# Fiance is questioning my committment for keeping my name. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 18, 2017, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184 "2017-10-18T04:24:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Jungian\_Camisole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8baadc/32.png) [@Jungian\_Camisole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jungian_Camisole)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/121 "2017-10-21T00:34:23Z")
I think y’all are being too hard on the OP not coming back. It could be that she was injured in a skiing accident. She’s now a quadriplegic and using text to speech software. Also, she has…“followers”. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/122 "2017-10-21T00:43:54Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I did, and I will. But I was responding specifically to someone who said it would be an absolute dealbreaker–that no matter how I feel about my name, if I want to keep it, I’m “raising a stink”. It was an absolute dealbreaker for me but I didn’t ‘raise a stink’. Am I allowed to have dealbreakers? Part of my decision was that the name she wanted to keep wasn’t even her real name. It was a Japanese looking pass-name. And if she was marrying a Japanese guy she wouldn’t have asked to keep ‘her’ name. So I wasn’t going to be complicit in the perpetuation of racism. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/123 "2017-10-21T00:45:07Z")
> [@SpoilerVirgin](#): > > Wow. You completely misread my tone there. I just meant to suggest, from personal experience, some reasons why someone might want to take their husband’s name other than tradition or bowing to his wishes. I’m sorry I came off as antagonistic. I have no problem at all with women keeping their own name, or any of the myriad other options discussed in this thread. Yes, I apologize. I jumped on you for no reason - not sure why I felt it necessary to use that snarky tone. Sorry! ETA: For what it’s worth, if my original last name (I hate the term “maiden name”) had been something comical/hard to spell or pronounce while my husband’s was straightforward and simple, he would have totally understood changing my name for that reason. ---
**Author:** ![purplehearingaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@purplehearingaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehearingaid)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/124 "2017-10-21T00:52:34Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Be honest with yourself and with him. > > Is this a deal breaker for you? (It would be for me!) (Smells like a power move to me! I’d be running for the door!) > Is it a deal breaker for him that you take his name? > > If you both say yes, it’s a deal breaker, then so be it. > > Honesty. The best policy. Make it work for you, and Good Luck! This ! I feel the same way about this being a power move . My family is Jewish and a niece had a fiancé who is Catholic . The guy told my niece he wanted to raise their kids Catholic and she said “OK” My mom told me this and I told mom "Oh boy it not going to stop with this " Mom called me back and said the fiancé had just told X all the things he doesn’t like about she just before the wedding ! My niece was left about a half million dollars and her husband blew it all in no time ! Give an inch and a mile will be taken ! I think the OP should really take a second look at this guy ,this sound like a huge power trip to which could only get worse . The guy has jealousy issues and that is a RED flag! ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/125 "2017-10-21T02:54:31Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > Shortly after the wedding Mom wrote a letter to her daughter. Addressed to “Mrs. HusbandFirstName HusbandLastName”. > > My wife’s comment: “My own Mom has reduced my identity to a lower case ‘s’, the same as every other married woman in the country. No wonder I can’t get along with her.” > > I’m sure Mom had a real thrill writing her daughter’s name like that. As if being reduced to “s” was the high point in a woman’s life. I am befuddled here – what/who/where is this “s” of which you speak? ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/126 "2017-10-21T03:43:53Z")
I had a friend who took her husband’s name. She had always thought she wouldn’t, but the truth was, she never really got along with her father, and she said, when it came down to it, she just had some man’s name-- it could be some man she didn’t like, and was connected to by the accident of birth, or it could be the man she loved whose name she chose freely. I’d never thought about it before. Also, I know another woman who couldn’t wait to ditch her name. It was Heine, Pronounced “heiney,” like “buttocks,” and she taught high school. She married a man named Spencer. Couldn’t wait to take his name. I loved my father, and I liked my maiden name, but when I married a man named Maccaby, that was too good to pass up. We talked about changing the spelling to Maccabee when we married, but ultimately decided not to. I know a “Brunvald” and “Goldman” who took the name Sienna, because brown and gold mixed make Sienna. It good they weren’t Wasserman and Erdman. They would have been the Muds. ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/127 "2017-10-21T04:00:08Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > ETA: For what it’s worth, if my original last name (I hate the term “maiden name”) had been something comical/hard to spell or pronounce while my husband’s was straightforward and simple, he would have totally understood changing my name for that reason. That’s why my mother changed. She traded a long, difficult to spell, difficult to pronounce, difficult to remember Slavic name, for the slightly clunky, but very easy “Goldhammer.” She thought no one would ever ask her to spell her name again, but when she checked into the hotel on her honeymoon, and gave the new name as hers for the first time, the clerk asked her how to spell it. She said she almost climbed over the counter and throttled him. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/128 "2017-10-21T04:14:11Z")
> [@Gary\_T](#): > > I am befuddled here – what/who/where is this “s” of which you speak? When a woman is referred to Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName then the only thing distinguishing her from Mr. HisFirstName HisLastName is the “s” on the end of “Mrs.” Thus, her identity is reduced to an “s”. ---
**Author:** ![Pippers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b5a626/32.png) [@Pippers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pippers)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/129 "2017-10-21T04:46:31Z")
> [@nate](#): > > I have mixed feelings about this. The woman doesn’t want to change her name, and that’s OK, but I personally wouldn’t want to marry a woman that wouldn’t change her name. It has nothing to do with power, and I admit it’s an outdated tradition, but the type of woman that would put up a stink about this would be the type of woman I’d butt heads with for the rest of my life. Hahaha what a nub. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/130 "2017-10-21T06:03:08Z")
My wife took my last name legally in the US. Legally in China, which is her sole citizenship country, she kept her name. In China, I took her last name, and it’s on some legal documents. When I still resided and worked in China, both my English name and my Chinese name was on my work permit, so it was kinda “legally” my name in China. Our marriage certificate, OTOH, is in Japanese. With characters for her name, and katakana for mine. There is an English translation of the marriage certificate certified by the US embassy (but all it certifies is that it is a translation). God knows how we sort that one out if it ever becomes a real legal issue. Kids all have my wife’s name on their birth certificates, and my English last name on the Certification of Birth Abroad. Also, the Chinette’s all have English first name, full Chinese name in pinyin as their middle name, and English last name. The full Chinese middle name has come in handy, especially with airlines, to show that they are in fact the same person. Clear as mud, I know ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/131 "2017-10-21T06:36:36Z")
Ok. First husband freaked out that I wanted to take his name. Freaked out. Ok d of forbade me. We moved provinces a year into the marriage and I changed my name to a hyphenated one. When our son was born he freaked out agaon. Didn’t want me to register our son’s birth. We finally did…a week before we split up. I went back to my own name bit my son kept his father’s last name. I live common law with my partner. We aren’t married, I won’t ever get married again. Weirdly, recently he said that he would want his wife to take his name. I told him that was the least sexy proposal of all time, and on that grounds I would refuse. We laughed but I’m not super happy about it. Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 10:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/132 "2017-10-21T10:09:48Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > If aliens were reading this thread to learn about modern humanity they would have to conclude that marriage between a man and a woman without the wife changing her surname name to that of the husband is absolutely the most common and logical social choice. Is that the case where you live? My elderly in-laws have different names. In Malaysia, you get an identity card when you are born, and changing that is a lot more difficult than changing your birth certificate would be in parts of the USA. ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 10:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/133 "2017-10-21T10:18:15Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > I call bullshit on that. It IS about power. You’re asking someone to change a fundamental part of their identity, their name, and I doubt you would consider doing the same for an instant. > . I guess if it’s the kind of women who takes it as a power issue, it /is/ a power issue. For my 80 year old mother, who used my fathers name socially, not so much. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/134 "2017-10-21T12:46:44Z")
60 years ago women had a lot less freedom to say “no” to changing their names. Back then women couldn’t buy real estate or a car without a male co-signer, and could legally be paid less for the exact same work as a man, and a lot of other bullshit, too. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/135 "2017-10-21T13:55:06Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > It was an absolute dealbreaker for me but I didn’t ‘raise a stink’. Am I allowed to have dealbreakers? Part of my decision was that the name she wanted to keep wasn’t even her real name. It was a Japanese looking pass-name. And if she was marrying a Japanese guy she wouldn’t have asked to keep ‘her’ name. So I wasn’t going to be complicit in the perpetuation of racism. To me, your story reads like “How DARE she let racism interfere with sexism!” ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/136 "2017-10-21T14:08:53Z")
I took my husband’s name without feeling any major loss of power or identity. But only because he never made me feel obligated to change it. If I’d been insistent on keeping my name, he would have accepted that without complaint. And if he’d pressured me to take his, I probably would have pushed back. The decision felt entirely in my hands. Ultimately, I decided to take his name so that our family was united in last name, resulting in efficiencies in the long run. Although this choice meant my current name differs from that listed on my publications, at this point in my career, this doesn’t concern me. What I think bothers people is the expectation that because you’re a wife, you are duty-bound to a custom that takes a woman’s autonomy and identity completely for granted. A name is a very personal thing, so I don’t judge any woman who doesn’t want to give up this part of herself just to be married. It’s also isn’t always logistically easy to get the name change you want. I opted to replace my middle name with my maiden one at the same time I took my husband’s last name, and this came with a fair amount of paperwork and expense. I wonder if men who attach signficance to this are mainly worried about the opinion of outsiders. Do they worry that people will assume he isn’t the real head of the household, because his wife hasn’t outwardly subordinated herself to him? It sounds pretty bad when put this way, but it kind of mirrors the insecurity that some women have about engagement rings. If it’s not clearly expensive, then people might think he doesn’t really value you enough. Or he’s too broke to be a good provider. Or he lacks the manliness to be deserving of a wife. Etc. All of these beliefs come from centuries worth of patriarchal conditioning. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/137 "2017-10-21T14:30:30Z")
My wife took my last name, and I was a little dismayed about that, but figured it was her choice, not mine. We considered two other options: 1. Combining our last names into “Bagrow,” which sounds either wonderfully Hobbity, or like where homeless bag ladies sleep. I was more into this idea than she was. 2. Taking my mother’s maiden name, which I’m sure as hell not gonna share in case all y’all are identity thieves, but which is a common and whimsical English word. My wife was more into this idea than I was; although I love the name, I figured it could lead to hurt feelings from my dad, and didn’t want to go there. Hyphenated last names are a pain, and she wanted our whole family to share a surname, so she took mine. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/138 "2017-10-21T14:32:56Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > Based on the link in post 89, it appears the OP was lifted from an old advise column. I mean, there’s all sorts of reasons to distrust the OP here, but it’s not like the situation in the OP is particularly unique. I don’t see how that advice column relates to the OP other than being about the same subject (unless I’m missing some key words that they both share.) ---
**Author:** ![chaika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chaika/32/405_2.png) [@chaika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaika)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/139 "2017-10-21T15:24:52Z")
I’ve never understood the argument that women with long, complicated names would of course want to change to their husband’s shorter, more easily spelled or pronounced name. What about all the men with long, complicated names? And why would a woman need to get married in order to change her name if she wanted to simplify things? What would be stopping her from just choosing a new name and legally changing to that? And some of us like our unusual names. There are literally five people in the world with my last name and I am related to all of them. It isn’t difficult to pronounce but people tend to panic when faced with it in writing, because of the unexpected distribution of many vowels. I always have to spell it, usually at least twice since the first time the person probably got stuck after the first syllable. But I still never considered changing my name to my husband’s more easily spelled and pronounced name. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/140 "2017-10-21T15:48:57Z")
> [@chaika](#): > > I’ve never understood the argument that women with long, complicated names would of course want to change to their husband’s shorter, more easily spelled or pronounced name. What about all the men with long, complicated names? And why would a woman need to get married in order to change her name if she wanted to simplify things? What would be stopping her from just choosing a new name and legally changing to that? I chose to change my name to my first husband’s because I preferred his shorter, more easily spelled and pronounced name. It wasn’t worth going to a lot of effort, but it’s really easy in the US for a woman to change her name with marriage. To compare, I’ve long considered changing my first name to a variation on it that I’ve always gone by. Why don’t I do that? Because it’s harder than changing my last name with marriage was. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184.md?page=8)