# Fictional characters you could just slap the sh-t out of **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 2, 2003, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314 "2003-02-02T16:27:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/81 "2003-02-03T14:24:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by GKW \* > \*\*Horatio Hornblower, C. S. Forester’s self-flagellating protagonist. I don’t care if he was the inspiration for Star Trek, his personality still sucks and he never changes. \*\* No, do not assault my Horny! Granted, he is more than a bit cold and distant, but he is an honorable, intelligent and upstanding individual. That’s if you are talking about the books. In the A&E mini-series, they made old Horny _much_ more likable. ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/82 "2003-02-03T14:28:35Z")
Scarlett O’Hara, of course. Ya goldurn meatball, give up on that Ashley twerp, already! It’s Rhett, damnit, Rhett!!! ---
**Author:** ![raygirvan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ac91a4/32.png) [@raygirvan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raygirvan)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/83 "2003-02-03T14:33:49Z")
High priests from any horror film (such as _The Wicker Man_) who trick the hero to coming to the temple, then claim this counts as his/her “coming of their own accord” for sacrifice. No. \ By any reasonable interpretation, “coming of your own accord” is ticking the ‘yes’ box of a form asking “do you want to be sacrificed” - not responding to an invitation to do lunch and finding you’re on the menu. ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/84 "2003-02-03T15:10:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Biggirl \* > \*\*No, do not assault my Horny! Granted, he is more than a bit cold and distant, but he is an honorable, intelligent and upstanding individual. > > That’s if you are talking about the books. In the A&E mini-series, they made old Horny _much_ more likable. \*\* Mmmmmm… Ioan Gruffudd… Er, sorry about that. As others have mentioned, **Hamlet** and **Bridget Jones** both deserve a swift kick in the teeth. And the whole pissant crew of **Voyager**. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/85 "2003-02-03T16:48:37Z")
Bouv, get a grip. I hate Xander and you being nasty to me about it isn’t going to change my mind. I don’t find him particularly loyal, and I could cite numerous examples to back up my position, but that would be hijacking the OP, so I won’t. I am entitled to my opinion, so the only ass that needs someone to get off it is mine. ---
**Author:** ![PigArcher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bcef8e/32.png) [@PigArcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigArcher)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/86 "2003-02-03T17:00:55Z")
Every one of the _Friends_, but especially Rachel and Phoebe. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/87 "2003-02-03T17:09:03Z")
Every male & female lead character in every novel Mercedes Lackey has ever written, for falling madly in love with each other and being too stupid to realize it, talk about it, and get on with their dang lives. ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/88 "2003-02-03T17:12:50Z")
ROSS. ---
**Author:** ![shy\_guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a6a055/32.png) [@shy\_guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shy_guy)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/89 "2003-02-03T17:20:32Z")
> [@](#): > > Prince Paris of Troy. Starts the disastrous Trojan War, and then sits back and idles around with Helen while his brother Hector desperately fights to defend their city from invading Greeks. I always want to give him a good swift kick in the balls. On that note, I’ve wanted to smack around the entire Greek Pantheon at one time or another. A bunch of arrogant immature pricks with superpowers. Suprised to see so little mention of Holden Caufield, one character who I would feel no remorse in utterly obliterating. Ditto for Huckleberry Finn. ---
**Author:** ![CaptMurdock](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/captmurdock/32/11736_2.png) [@CaptMurdock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaptMurdock)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/90 "2003-02-03T17:59:02Z")
Gotta go with **photopat** on this one. As much as I love _Friends_, Ross Gellar needs to be bitch-slapped for screwing up the relationship he had with Rachel Greene, the woman he loved since high school and against all odds managed to make realize that he was The Guy for her, by being so insecure and controlling that he basically drove her away, and then by being so distraught that he sought solace in the arms of the first woman he ran into in a bar, sleeping with her, and pretty much guaranteeing that Rachel would break up with him for good. Of course, Rachel then had to rub this in his face when they briefly reconciled, making Ross use his last bit of spine to deny full responsibility for their breakup… I won’t go into where he says the wrong name during the wedding vows to Emily, the drunken Vegas wedding, and then conceiving a child together. These two are the epitom of Dysfunctional but Co-Dependent. Slap Ross, and kick Rachel in the butt. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Miskatonic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.miskatonic/32/310_2.png) [@Mr.Miskatonic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Miskatonic)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/91 "2003-02-03T19:03:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Omorka \* > I’d say I want to slap Jar-Jar, but if I did I probably wouldn’t ever stop, \*\* As a friend of mine once put (in regards to someon else, mind you) “Slapping Jar-Jar once would be like eating one potato chip.” ---
**Author:** ![CadburyAngel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c2a13f/32.png) [@CadburyAngel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CadburyAngel)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/92 "2003-02-03T19:22:29Z")
I hate that paperclip. “It looks like you’re writing a letter.” Well, it looks like you’re MONITORING MY EVERY MOVE, YOU PERVERTED, VOYEURISTIC LITTLE STAPLE-WANNABE! Whoo. Okay. But for literary characters, I have always and forever wanted to violently beat Rebecca from the Daphne du Maurier novel of the same name. Her complete passiveness made that book unbearable. Fire the housekeeper already! ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/93 "2003-02-03T20:24:23Z")
Melanie from Gone With the Wind. Milque Toast for certain. ---
**Author:** ![gonzoron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a6a055/32.png) [@gonzoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gonzoron)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/94 "2003-02-03T20:24:36Z")
I came in here to say Holden Caufield but I was beat to it. So, seconds for him and: Ross Gellar, Dr. Frankenstien, Romeo, Claudio & Hero, & Squall. Damn you Squall… I wanna get through FFVIII, so I can move onto IX, and X. But geesh, I can’t play for more than a half-hour without wanting to strangle him. Squall, you sir… are no Cloud. (Speaking of FFVII, I’ll give a slap or two to Cait Sith) I refuse to allow anyone to slap Jar Jar until they take at least a convincing swipe at Fode and/or Beed. (The two-headed announcer from the Podrace scene.) Also, Marius, from Les Miserables. Twit. ---
**Author:** ![DaddyTimesTwo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@DaddyTimesTwo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaddyTimesTwo)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/95 "2003-02-03T20:31:29Z")
George Costanza and Barney Fife. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/96 "2003-02-03T20:34:45Z")
Cliff Claven ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/97 "2003-02-03T20:54:57Z")
Ray Romano. Good lord he just _asks_ for it half the time. Idiot. ---
**Author:** ![singular1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ba9def/32.png) [@singular1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/singular1)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/98 "2003-02-03T21:07:01Z")
**Larry David.** We never get through that movie without saying "What a _dick!!!_ ---
**Author:** ![Badge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@Badge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Badge)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/99 "2003-02-03T21:24:17Z")
I want to hold Dr. Frankenstein while the **monster** slaps him, then buy the big guy a beer. Diane Franklin in _The Last American Virgin_. She sleeps with a jerk and gets pregnant, then the main character hides her out and sells everything he has to pay for an abortion. At the end of the movie, he walks in to find her making out with the jerk who dumped her. When she was killed in _Amityville Horror II_, I cheered! ---
**Author:** ![hypnoboth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/bb73d2/32.png) [@hypnoboth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hypnoboth)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/100 "2003-02-03T21:50:55Z")
Every other damn politician on “Mister Stirling”. I mean, they let this self-righteous, conceited, pompous, preachy, self-absorbed twerp walk into the Senate and stomp all over them. Any majority leader that lets a freshman appointment dictate which committee he gets on deserves not only to be bitch slapped, but locked in the Senate men’s room and not let out until he has emptied his body of the excrement that has lodged in his brain. Line them up in the Senate chamber and bitch slap the lot. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314.md?page=6)