# Fictional characters you could just slap the sh-t out of **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 2, 2003, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314 "2003-02-02T16:27:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/101 "2003-02-03T21:58:12Z")
> [@](#): > > not to mention Angel Clare from “Tess of the Durbervilles”. Urk! Forgot all about Tess of the Durbervilles. Damn, there are so many slap-worthy characters in that book, I’m going to have to cut out the middle men, go dig up Thomas Hardy’s corpse, and smack the shit out of it. ---
**Author:** ![Primaflora](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Primaflora](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Primaflora)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/102 "2003-02-03T22:21:22Z")
Rebecca was the dead wife in Du Maurier’s book. We never learn the name of the protagonist. It was probably Hortense or something like that. ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/103 "2003-02-03T23:01:37Z")
Oooh, I have more. Angel from BtVS and AtS. I hate him soooo much. He was a jerk and he’s dull and I just can’t stand him. I’m slowly warming to Xander again, but it’s a very long, _slow_ delicate process that may not even be complete by the end of S7. He was acting like a real dick last year, he’s pretty self-centered, and he never, ever takes responsibilty for anything he does. He even _blames Anya_ for what happened last year. ---
**Author:** ![ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chockfullofheadygoodness/32/511_2.png) [@ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/104 "2003-02-04T00:28:48Z")
Once again, Holden Caufield. In _Alien_, Lambert (Veronica Cartwright’s character AKA the female that wasn’t Ripley). A full 50% (3 of the 6) of the characters that die in that film die because she’s a simpering ninny. I can just hear the writer - “OK, how should this person die. I know, have Lambert freeze up terror _yet again_” ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Rieux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dr.Rieux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Rieux)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/105 "2003-02-04T00:40:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kiz \* > \*\*Her name’s Brett Ashley. > > She was a nymphomaniac. He was impotent. Ergo, their complaining… \*\* Yeah, but he still had two hands and a tongue, so what was the problem?!😉 Um, **SpoilerVirgin** , that was Gregory Peck in _Gentleman’s Agreement_, not Cary Grant. ---
**Author:** ![Fionn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Fionn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fionn)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/106 "2003-02-04T01:19:37Z")
Sidda, from _The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood_. Quit whining about your goddamned mother for a second and realize just how great your life turned out. Jonathan, from _BtVS_. Shoulda known better. I would also like to slap Holden from _Chasing Amy_. You’re 28, for crissakes! High school was a decade ago. Let it go! Everyone in _Catch-22_, with a good solid ass-beating thrown in for Arfie. Amelie, toward the end of _Amelie_. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the movie, but it was time for her to either get with the guy or find a new hobby. ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/107 "2003-02-04T01:40:18Z")
That bastard William Hamleigh in Ken Follett’s “Pillars of the Earth.” Just decided to re-read that. Forgotten how much I hate that character and wish I coud do all sorts of nasty things to him. ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/108 "2003-02-04T01:42:04Z")
Melanie Daniel’s in **The Birds**. What a ditzy spoiled twit. The school teacher also annoys me. You’re no longer with Mitch anymore. Let it go. ---
**Author:** ![shy\_guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a6a055/32.png) [@shy\_guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shy_guy)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/109 "2003-02-04T03:59:42Z")
Time for two vastly different additions. 1. God of the Old Testament. He’s a crybaby jerk. Same reasoning I used for the Greek Gods. 2. Henry Pym from early Giant-Man and the Wasp adventures. He treated Jan like crap, and actually, she’s no better for putting up with it. ---
**Author:** ![Orual](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/779978/32.png) [@Orual](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orual)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/110 "2003-02-04T04:19:28Z")
Oh! Oh! Oh! Feanor from _The Silmarillion_! Such an arrogant nasty jerk! Bad Noldo! No cookie! ---
**Author:** ![stringy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/919ad9/32.png) [@stringy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stringy)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/111 "2003-02-04T04:49:43Z")
I could have slapped Sansa Stark for the first two books of _A Song of Ice and Fire_, but after the last one she’s growing on me. However, I find Lysa Arryn completely slappable, along with Lord Tywin, and Lord Frey. The last few chapters of the last book had me laughing with much satisfaction, but I think Lord Frey has worse in store for him than a few slaps about the head. ---
**Author:** ![non-native](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bc8723/32.png) [@non-native](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/non-native)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/112 "2003-02-04T04:56:49Z")
I have to second **Hamlet.** I hate him. “Did you hear my monologue on the unspeaking emotional torture I’m going through yet? Don’t worry, there’s about 5 dozen that I haven’t said yet left in the play.” And let’s not forget “Hey, I just accidently killed Claudius, father of Laertes. It’s like how my father died sans the dignity! Have you heard me go on for hours about my dead father yet? Well, let me go on some more in case you have trouble remembering.” Your petty bullshit is the direct cause of Denmark’s downfall to Norway. Why didn’t you just kill yourself at the beginning like you were contemplated and save us this looong play about you and your tantrums? It’s especially bad in Kenneth Branagh’s version. That narcissistic bastard puts himself as the lead in every goddamn movie he directs. An egocentric playing another egocentric. Hooray. ---
**Author:** ![SpoilerVirgin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@SpoilerVirgin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpoilerVirgin)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/113 "2003-02-04T06:06:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dr. Rieux \* > \*\*Um, **SpoilerVirgin** , that was Gregory Peck in _Gentleman’s Agreement_, not Cary Grant. \*\* :smack: Isn’t there a “most embarassing thing I’ve done” post around here somewhere? I think there must be some kind of Guadere’s law corollary – the more personally significant a subject is to you, the more likely you are to mess up when posting about it. Nah, there’s no excuse. I guess I’ll just have to watch the movie another dozen times before I can remember that it’s **Gregory Peck** , dammit, **Gregory Peck**! :smack: :smack: :smack: (At least I smacked the sh\*t out of someone). ---
**Author:** ![Mr.A.Nemo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/94ad74/32.png) [@Mr.A.Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.A.Nemo)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/114 "2003-02-04T06:59:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CaptMurdock \* > \*\*Gotta go with **photopat** on this one. As much as I love _Friends_, Ross Gellar needs to be bitch-slapped for screwing up the relationship he had with Rachel Greene, the woman he loved since high school and against all odds managed to make realize that he was The Guy for her, by being so insecure and controlling that he basically drove her away, and then by being so distraught that he sought solace in the arms of the first woman he ran into in a bar, sleeping with her, and pretty much guaranteeing that Rachel would break up with him for good. > \*\* They. Were. On. A. Break. Can’t blame Ross at all. Even though he’s a whiny freak-o. Slap Rachel around for being the petty, controlling, Princess. And Holden Caulfield needs his head stuck into a vice. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/115 "2003-02-04T07:22:10Z")
I figure if Peggy Hill counts (and I agree), then I can add my pick: Jean Teasdale. I guess the really infuriating thing is that I know people with the same complete cause/effect disconnection. If what I’ve read in The Pit is any indication, so do you. ---
**Author:** ![CadburyAngel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c2a13f/32.png) [@CadburyAngel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CadburyAngel)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/116 "2003-02-04T07:41:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Primaflora \* > \*\*Rebecca was the dead wife in Du Maurier’s book. We never learn the name of the protagonist. It was probably Hortense or something like that. \*\* I guess that’s how much I hate the protagonist. A character who is DEAD can overshadow her in my memory. Thanks for catching that. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 8:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/117 "2003-02-04T08:42:30Z")
I think I’d like to slap Ross _and_ Rachel around a bit. Ross, for no other reason than that he never told Rachel “I overheard a man on the phone when I called you to make up, and I thought you were going to sleep with him, and I paniced.” at the very beggining of the whole mess, which might have at least _helped_ straighten out the situation. And then I’d slap him for sleeping with someone just because he felt hurt. ---
**Author:** ![gex\_gex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/94ad74/32.png) [@gex\_gex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gex_gex)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/118 "2003-02-04T12:35:22Z")
> [@](#): > > _originally posted by Mr. A. Nemo_ > They. Were. On. A. Break. Can’t blame Ross at all. I gotta agree with this. Back in the day when Friends was still vaguely watchable, I always thought this. What Ross did was perfectly legit, and Rachel’s just trying to have it both ways. Not with the guy, but still controlling him. Someone should still slap the shit out of Ross though. Whiny punk. ---
**Author:** ![DKW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dkw/32/3118_2.png) [@DKW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DKW)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/119 "2003-02-04T16:57:04Z")
Eric Cartman. Except instead of slapping, I want to take a crowbar to both his knees. Repeatedly. Try kickin’ me squeah in da nuts _now_, you goddam obnoxious self-absorbed waste of construction paper. The Canker sisters, from Ed, Edd, and Eddy. Except instead of slapping, I want to knock them out, tie them up, and steal all their worldy belongings. (Then I’d buy the Eds really horrible-tasting jawbreakers to help them kick that stupid habit.) Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney. Except instead of slapping, I want to run over those criminal sociopaths who always get away with EVERYTHING with a steamroller. And considering just how much they got away with in 12+ years, even that might be going a little easy on them. Bender. Except instead of slapping, I want to forcibly shut him down with a giant electromagnet (if that doesn’t work, a rocket launcher will do) and reprogram to _not_ be a greedy self-absorbed foulmouthed pig. Or I’d just leave him a lifeless shell, which also accomplishes the task of never having to deal with that greedy self-absorbed foulmouthed pig again. Mr. Yotsuya from Maison Ikkoku (Rumiko Takahashi’s more serious classic series). Except instead of slapping, I want to put him in a rocket and send it on a one-way trip to the nearest black hole. I don’t give a damn about his history, job, motives, past relationships, inner demons, fetishes etc., I just want that parasitic puddle of slime off my planet for good. The Goddesses That Can’t Shoot Straight in Oh My Goddess. Except instead of slapping, I want to blast those numbnuts out of existence and replace them with intelligent, competent, dedicated, compassionate immortals who can actually get the damn job done right. Oh yeah, I’d do the same to Mara and replace her with a potted plant. ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/120 "2003-02-04T17:01:08Z")
Camille in **Cookie’s Fortune**. Although I think I’d be at the back of a line which includes essentially the entire town of Holly Springs. Continuing the slapping of the Final Fantasy universe … I want to smack basically the entire world of Final Fantasy Tactics, all at once with a super God sized hand. My word, what is wrong with these people! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314.md?page=7)