# Fictional characters you could just slap the sh-t out of **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 2, 2003, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314 "2003-02-02T16:27:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Tanaqui](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Tanaqui](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tanaqui)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/141 "2003-02-05T23:35:35Z")
I liked Squall and Cloud, but the guy from FF9 is so boring I can’t even remember his name, and Tidus is a completely selfish bastard. Not that the other two weren’t, mind you; but I’d take an annoyingly anguished hero over a whining self absorbed jock any day. Plus Squall is _gorgeous_. I also want to slap every NPC in Morrowind. They repeat their idiotic little phrases every time you get within 5 feet of them. I wish I could kill them all. Moving on to literature, I want to slap every single character in “Jenna Starborn,” which is a SF version of “Jane Eyre.” No doubt I’d feel the same way about the characters in the original, but it’s even worse in this setting–the straight-laced society the author created feels so fake. ---
**Author:** ![Nithy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@Nithy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nithy)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2003, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/142 "2003-02-07T18:43:04Z")
How about this one: Faramir from the movie Two Towers. And Peter Jackson for making him that way. I was in the theater during the midnight first showing (when all of the rabid fans came) and I swear everybody in that theater wanted to go up and beat the snot out of him for being so completely wrong from the book. I can understand taking out characters, but changing them that much from their original parameters is completely unacceptable. (deep breath) Good Lord, it felt good to find a place where I can say this. Also, about half of the characters from Voltaire’s Candide. ---
**Author:** ![avery](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed655f/32.png) [@avery](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/avery)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2003, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/143 "2003-02-07T19:04:51Z")
How about Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater? ---
**Author:** ![avery](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed655f/32.png) [@avery](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/avery)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2003, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/144 "2003-02-07T19:25:13Z")
How about Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater? ---
**Author:** ![Nithy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@Nithy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nithy)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/145 "2003-02-08T04:19:13Z")
Sherlock Holmes. Yes, he’s a genius; Yes, he always gets his man; Yes, he’s never wrong; but admit it–if you ever met a man that arrogant, wouldn’t you just love to slap his face halfway into next week? ---
**Author:** ![Sock\_Munkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Sock\_Munkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sock_Munkey)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/146 "2003-02-08T08:27:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bricker \* > \*\*Er… is Regis Philbin a fictional character? \*\* Oops, I was caught up in a frenzy of contempt and his name just came into my head. :o ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 9:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/147 "2003-02-08T09:09:32Z")
Scarlett O’Hara. Even though I love the book and have read it many times, she could really use a swift kick. Isabel from The Razor’s Edge. Spoiled little snit. She oughta been up for murder for what she did to Sophy. Cathrine. I haven’t read all the book. The movie seems fairly sympathetic to him, so I’ll save dumping on Heathcliff for later. Bob and Margaret. My vote for slappable cartoon characters. Nadine and the pimply teenage girl from The Stand. The Creep Sisters. They both freaked my out. Mildred in Of Human Bondage. The ultimate user. Mary Astor’s character in The Maltese Falcon. I’ll be GLAD if they hang her! Rocco from Key Largo Give her the damn drink! And last, but not least… The Energiser Bunny! Sorry Mom! Even though he seems to be trapped in a battery these days, he’s still That Damned Rabbit! ---
**Author:** ![ricepad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b38774/32.png) [@ricepad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ricepad)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/148 "2003-02-08T09:17:34Z")
George W. Bush. What’s that you say? He’s not a fictional character? Sure…if you insist… ---
**Author:** ![jeanster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc348/32.png) [@jeanster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jeanster)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/149 "2003-02-09T02:32:37Z")
Lucy’s fiance in 7th Heaven. I quit watching that show because he’s in it. I can’t stand his smirk and his bossiness. ---
**Author:** ![jeanster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc348/32.png) [@jeanster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jeanster)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/150 "2003-02-09T02:35:25Z")
Bertie Wooster’s horrid Aunt Agatha. Loved it when she got hit with that powerful blast of water from the firehouse in the theatre house. From the tv series Jeeves & Wooster starring Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie. ---
**Author:** ![Kaitlyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/73ab20/32.png) [@Kaitlyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaitlyn)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/151 "2003-02-09T07:35:45Z")
Barry from the movie “High Fidelity”. I’ve never hated a fictional character as much as this one. He antagonizes the customers at the record store where he works. He belittles his coworker. He insults his boss. Why? Because they have different taste in music or know less than he does about classic rock music than he does. He gets under my skin so much because I encounter people like him a lot. He’s one of those who think their intimate knowledge of some obscure corner of pop culture, or ability to play some game well makes them superior to other people, and isn’t shy about belittling others at every opportunity. He’s kinda like the comic book guy from the Simpsons, but to a much bigger degree. Rob from the same movie for not firing his ass in every single scene the characters share. ---
**Author:** ![Avarie537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/48db29/32.png) [@Avarie537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avarie537)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/152 "2003-02-10T18:54:44Z")
(Well, she’s not really fictional, but I don’t think I’ve **EVER** yelled at the TV so much.) The female half of the team that won the last series of _The Amazing Race_\> OH MY GOD!!! I had to keep calling my mother-in-law (who LOVES that series) because my husband just didn’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![carlotta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@carlotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carlotta)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/153 "2003-02-15T04:51:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by zoogirl \* > \*\* > And last, but not least… > The Energiser Bunny! > Sorry Mom! Even though he seems to be trapped in a battery these days, he’s still That Damned Rabbit! \*\* swear to God, the other day I was driving and there in the middle of the road was an exploded, driven-over pink plush carcass. I just about died laughing. Guess he finally kept going and going across the wrong road. So anyway… Raskolnikov from _Crime and Punishment_. Three words dude…Get A Job. SMACK! oh, and some other folks who could use a job-the two main characters in _Dangerous Liasions_, Valmont and (something like)Merteuil. Gee, we just have way too much time on our hands, so we’ll just f\*ck up people’s lives, including ours, for fun. SMACK SMACK SMACK!!! ---
**Author:** ![Shana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3bc359/32.png) [@Shana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shana)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/154 "2003-02-15T05:15:37Z")
The whole cast of Dawson’s Creek. Urrggh. Elizabeth Bennet’s sister Lydia in Pride and Prejudice. Self-serving little tart! SLAP! Oh, and Faramir annoyed the heck out of me in the movie too!! Who does that Peter Jackson think he is? Grrrr. DOUBLE SLAP! ---
**Author:** ![ElwoodCuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/edb3f5/32.png) [@ElwoodCuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElwoodCuse)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/155 "2003-02-15T06:51:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by screech-owl \* > \*\ ***Eeyore** from _Winnie the Pooh_. > > Not the cutsey, sad smiling, woe-is-me quadruped from the Disney films (although a good cuff to the noggin would be a good thing. I’m talking about the sarcastic jerk from the original books. Can’t find the passage right now, but there’s one chapter where he’s floating on his back in a river, and just has a smart-assed (no pun intended) answer for every question, no matter how innouous. > > Get that critter a Prozac I.V. Please. \*\* Eeyore = basis for Marvin from _Hitchhiker’s Guide_? Discuss. How about Nina from _Office Space_? “Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays.” I believe you’d get your ass kicked saying something like that. ---
**Author:** ![Mothchunks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a587f6/32.png) [@Mothchunks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mothchunks)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 8:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/156 "2003-02-15T08:38:22Z")
\>oh, and some other folks who could use a job-the two main characters in Dangerous Liasions , Valmont and (something like)Merteuil. Gee, we just have way too much time on our hands, so we’ll just f\*ck up people’s lives, including ours, for fun. SMACK SMACK SMACK!!!\< Yes please, and Keanu for losing his wrestling match with a period English accent. Two smacks for same error in Dracula. Thank you to the person who hated Cusacks’ character in “High Fidelity.” Faramir. Ugh. I realize the actor was taking direction, he doesn’t write the script, but it bordered on fanfic character fiddling. Add a huge smack to Jack Black for “Shallow Hal” and everything else he ever did. ---
**Author:** ![rumraisin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8e7dd6/32.png) [@rumraisin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rumraisin)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 8:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314/157 "2003-02-15T08:43:07Z")
My vote goes to Amelie from Amelie. She’s so quirky it hurts. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fictional-characters-you-could-just-slap-the-sh-t-out-of/152314.md?page=7)