# Fill in the blanks on this posthumous letter **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 3, 2011, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fill-in-the-blanks-on-this-posthumous-letter/577061 "2011-04-03T18:35:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2011, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fill-in-the-blanks-on-this-posthumous-letter/577061/1 "2011-04-03T18:35:44Z")
Dear \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, If you are (reading this letter, watching seeing this thread on a message board, or \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_), it means I am almost certainly dead, probably due to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, or, if things went really bad, \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_). It also means that the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ is in \_\_\_\_\_\_, that you and \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ are probably \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. Well, y’all need to \_\_\_\_\_, because if I died the way I currently fear, you have less than 2 days to \_\_\_\_\_ the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ or things will get even worse. But no lecture. I trust you to do the right thing. So much, in fact, that I am going to share my greatest secret with you right now. Go to my \_\_\_\_\_ and check the first \_\_\_\_\_\_ on the \_\_\_\_\_ in the blank, and you will find \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. Armed with that, you should be able to do what you need to do. And do that **first**. Leaving taking your revenge on \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ for later. Good luck. Please know that I’ve always (loved you/considered you my best friendwanted you for \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_). Also, if \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ is still alive, please tell (him/her/it) that \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. Thanks, (your name) ---
**Author:** ![\_mostly\_Harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/_/9d8465/32.png) [@\_mostly\_Harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/_mostly_Harmless)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2011, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fill-in-the-blanks-on-this-posthumous-letter/577061/2 "2011-04-03T23:42:57Z")
Dear Imperial Mercenary Liaison, If you are (reading this letter), it means I am almost certainly dead, probably due to chronic digestion, insanity, or, if things went really bad, over-intake of sand). It also means that the rebel alliance is en route, that you and your creepy looking Emperor are probably beyond screwed but too proud to realize it. Well, y’all need to look out for potential traitors high in your ranks, because if I died the way I currently fear, you have less than 2 days to avoid total calamity and defeat or things will get even worse. But no lecture. I trust you to do the right thing. So much, in fact, that I am going to share my greatest secret with you right now. Go to my sail barge and check the first footlocker on the right in the blank, and you will find a sweet wizard-shaped bong and some Creedence 8-tracks. Armed with that, you should be able to do what you need to do. And do that first. Leaving taking your revenge on he who shall not be named for later. Good luck. Please know that I’ve always (loved you/considered you my best friend/wanted you for general camaraderie). Also, if the Sarlacc is still alive, please tell (him/her/it) to take a fucking breath mint once in a while. Thanks, Boba Fett ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2011, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fill-in-the-blanks-on-this-posthumous-letter/577061/3 "2011-04-04T01:56:47Z")
Dear **contributor** , If you are (reading this letter, watching/seeing this thread on a message board, or **hearing it read to you inside your own head** ), it means I am almost certainly dead, probably due to **lethal polonium-210** , **being lowered into a tank of sharks** , or, if things went really bad, **my only true weakness – exploding Swedish hookerbots** ). It also means that the \*\*BOA internal email data – (HR to customer relations) \*\* is in **circulation** , that you and **Cher** are probably **compromised**. Well, y’all need to \*\*execute plan delta Q \*\*, because if I died the way I currently fear, you have less than 2 days to **find** the **mole** or things will get even worse. But no lecture. I trust you to do the right thing. So much, in fact, that I am going to share my greatest secret with you right now. Go to my **island lair** and check the first **shelf** on the **left** in the fridge, and you will find **my Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox**. Armed with that, you should be able to do what you need to do. And do that first. Leaving taking your revenge on **my hair stylist** for later. Good luck. Please know that I’ve always wanted you for **your mind, not your body**. Also, if \*\*Roy Scheider \*\* is still alive, please tell him that **I loved him in seaQuest DSV**. Thanks, Julian Assange ---
**Author:** ![Nametag](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nametag/32/406_2.png) [@Nametag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nametag)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2011, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fill-in-the-blanks-on-this-posthumous-letter/577061/4 "2011-04-04T06:18:11Z")
Dear Mother, If you are reading this letter, seeing this thread on a message board, or hearing it by singing telegram, it means I am almost certainly dead, probably due to gas, poison, or, if things went really bad, exsanguination. It also means that the knife is in the hands of the police, that you and I are probably doomed to spend eternity bound together in torment. Well, y’all need to admit that you died years ago, because if I died the way I currently fear, you have less than 2 days to get the hell out of my head or things will get even worse. But no lecture. I trust you to do the right thing. So much, in fact, that I am going to share my greatest secret with you right now. Go to my room and check the first candle on the left in the shrine to you, and you will find that it is impregnated with our blood. Armed with that, you should be able to do what you need to do. And do that first. Leaving taking your revenge on that blonde whore for later. Good luck. Please know that I’ve always loved you. Also, if the rat that lives in your skull is still alive, please tell it that its check bounced. Thanks, Norman ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2011, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fill-in-the-blanks-on-this-posthumous-letter/577061/5 "2011-04-04T07:00:17Z")
Dear Hokkaido Brit, Kinki, Auto, JapanDude and other Dopers in Japan If you are (reading this letter, watching, seeing this thread on a message board, or listening to All Things Considered), it means I am almost certainly dead, probably due to cesium-137, Iodine-131, or, if things went really bad, plutonium). It also means that the Daiichi reactors are in smoke, that you and two thirds of Japan are probably in danger. Well, y’all need to move quickly, because if I died the way I currently fear, you have less than 2 days to get the fuck out of dodge or things will get even worse. But no lecture. I trust you to do the right thing. So much, in fact, that I am going to share my greatest secret with you right now. Go to my dresser and check the first drawer on the top, and you will find a voucher for a free cocktail on Delta Airlines. Armed with that, you should be able to do what you need to do. And do that first. Leaving taking your revenge on TEPCO for later. Good luck. Please know that I’ve always wanted to go to a beer garden with you. Also, if my wife’s boss is still alive, please tell her that 0.1% occurrences sometimes _do_ occur. Thanks, Tokyo “Glowing” Player ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2011, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fill-in-the-blanks-on-this-posthumous-letter/577061/6 "2011-04-04T07:17:07Z")
Dear Mog, If you are reading this letter, it means I am almost certainly dead, probably due to **exposure** , **tribal warfare** , or, if things went really bad, **the wrath of Winter God Maal**. It also means that the **village** is in **deep shit** , that you and **Gorm** are probably **fucking**. Well, y’all need to **stop that** , because if I died the way I currently fear, you have less than 2 days to **appease** the **gods** or things will get even worse. But no lecture. I trust you to do the right thing. So much, in fact, that I am going to share my greatest secret with you right now. Go to my **backpack** and check the first **pouch** on the **top** , and you will find **my special mushroom of funny dreams**. Armed with that, you should be able to do what you need to do. And do that first. Leaving taking your revenge on **the people who will one day disturb my body from it’s resting place** for later. Good luck. Please know that I’ve always **liked your tailoring skills**. Also, if **our son** is still alive, please tell him that **he’s the new village chief so he’d better stop fucking around**. Thanks, Otzi