# Finally - a bigger penis. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 11, 2002, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920 "2002-12-11T02:43:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![pohjonen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pohjonen/32/423_2.png) [@pohjonen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pohjonen)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/1 "2002-12-11T02:43:11Z")
I received this email. This Doctor Approved Pill Will Actually Expand, Lengthen And Enlarge Your Penis Safely and Naturally 100% GUARANTEED! Surprisingly, I followed the link and actually found a way to email this company. Here’s what I said: I received an email advertisement regarding a product which will enlarge my penis. What if I don’t have a penis? Will your product still work for me? Will I grow a penis if I take it? Does this mean I’d be able to earn a bigger salary and get promotions if I take your product? Please reply soon. I think a penis may be just what I need. Sincerely, pohjonen Anyone else have any questions regarding larger penises? I’ll be happy to email this company for you. Remember, it’s guaranteed. ---
**Author:** ![rexnervous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e9c0ed/32.png) [@rexnervous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rexnervous)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/2 "2002-12-11T02:45:21Z")
I don’t have any questions, but would love to see their reply 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![pohjonen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pohjonen/32/423_2.png) [@pohjonen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pohjonen)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/3 "2002-12-11T02:50:33Z")
[http://www.deepgiant.com/?097574787C74723D4249826A717878376C7876](http://www.deepgiant.com/?097574787C74723D4249826A717878376C7876) Here’s the link if any of you dopers would like to email them about larger penises. Is that plural for penis? Or would it be penii? Oh well. ---
**Author:** ![Caught\_Work](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/919ad9/32.png) [@Caught\_Work](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caught_Work)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/4 "2002-12-11T02:51:54Z")
I find that masturbation will also Expand, Lengthen And Enlarge My Penis Safely and Naturally 100% GUARANTEED!, so I don’t need them to help, thank you very much. ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/5 "2002-12-11T02:51:55Z")
My question is: When does the expansion primarily take place? While I’m asleep, at work, in my car, at restaurants? I don’t want to be ordering dinner and be distracted by the sensation of my penis stretching out and getting thicker. What if I’m at the doctors office for a physical and it stretches while I’m being examined? That would be embarassing. Perhaps a graph can be sent that shows average time periods during the day when penis expansion occurs. Is it affected by temperature? Is expansion greater during the summer? If so, perhaps I should wait. ---
**Author:** ![wireless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f14d63/32.png) [@wireless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wireless)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/6 "2002-12-11T03:03:11Z")
I’m sitting next to a co-worker the other morning and we’re both going through the nightly accumulation of e-mail/spam. Keep this in mind: He’s a quiet, unassuming engineer and I am his boss…and female. All of a sudden he says **"If my penis got as big as all these e-mails say it could be, it would be across the street!"** Perhaps it was the visual image or perhaps it was the source, but it nearly caused a coffee-spewing ( 😛 not :eek: ) moment for me. [obligatory Monty Python reference] How long is it?..[/OMPM] ---
**Author:** ![Haywood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Haywood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Haywood)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/7 "2002-12-11T03:06:38Z")
Can you throw it over your shoulder like a continental soldier? ---
**Author:** ![butter\_pie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aca169/32.png) [@butter\_pie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/butter_pie)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/8 "2002-12-11T03:11:02Z")
Can you tie it in a knot, can you tie it in a bow? ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/9 "2002-12-11T03:34:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Haywood \* > \*\*Can you throw it over your shoulder like a continental soldier? \*\* Regimental. Not continental. This message has been brought to you by “pedantic nitpicks R us” ---
**Author:** ![RexDart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b77776/32.png) [@RexDart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RexDart)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/10 "2002-12-11T04:29:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pohjonen \* > \*\*Here’s what I said: > > I received an email advertisement regarding a product which will enlarge my penis. What if I don’t have a penis? Will your product still work for me? Will I grow a penis if I take it? Does this mean I’d be able to earn a bigger salary and get promotions if I take your product? Please reply soon. I think a penis may be just what I need. > Sincerely, > pohjonen > \*\* Two cars in every garage, and a penis on every groin. It’s the American (wet) Dream. It is one of those cruel twists of fate that we all would be better off with penises, but only 49% of us are lucky enough to get one. If only technology could provide a way to give us all the equal chance to have a penis. I’m not jealous. I’d welcome by new penis-toting brethren with open arms. A world in which there are enough penises for everyone…oh, dare to dream. Cruel fate, how tempst thou those poor penis-less ones with your offers of penis bounty? How can you dangle that glorious member right beneath their noses yet snatch it away right as they grasp for that glistening rod? “Shafted again!” is their cry, echoing longingly into the dark of night. They brave the night forsaken to cry forth “bring unto me your promised gift, send me the power by which I may coax to fruition my lifelong aspiration, a penis at last, with bulbous head to make the portentious poet forever sheath his pen!! Oh muse, Phallatio, sing to me of penises without end, and bringeth forth in me the passions known henceforth alone to those which grasp the penis in their hands.” Alas, the penis-giver lays silent, dormant…flaccid. And the penis-less ones are left to dream another day, of the promise yet unkept, and the penis living only in their minds. Take me from this place, oh guide, for I cannot bear to see the pain, ere lovely maidens’ maidenheads do sprout to heads made to den in maidens. ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/11 "2002-12-11T05:11:17Z")
Seriously, what about this [Enzyte](http://www.enzyte.com) stuff? There were actually commercials for it on TV. I saw it and I was like “No. This can’t be a commercial for… what I think it’s a commercial for, can it?” But I went to the website, and it was. Weird. And, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the penis enlargement spam problem only start getting really bad after those commercials came out? I am not unhappy at all with the size of my penis. The only way I would even consider taking a pill to enlarge it would be if I were married or in a serious relationship with a woman who said “You know what? I really love you, and I think you’re incredibly sexy, but it would turn me on so much if you had a gigantic horsecock.” And then I’d only take it if it were proven to be safe. ---
**Author:** ![macabresoul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e68b1a/32.png) [@macabresoul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/macabresoul)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/12 "2002-12-11T05:22:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by cuauhtemoc \* > \*\*Seriously, what about this [Enzyte](http://www.enzyte.com) stuff? There were actually commercials for it on TV. I saw it and I was like “No. This can’t be a commercial for… what I think it’s a commercial for, can it?” But I went to the website, and it was. Weird. And, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the penis enlargement spam problem only start getting really bad after those commercials came out? \*\* I remember that commercial, with the hot lady in a bikini talking about how small of a cock I must have for being up so late to watch this commercial. “Size does matter, pencil dick”. Oh yea… she turned me on ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/13 "2002-12-11T05:25:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pohjonen \* > \*\*Here’s the link if any of you dopers would like to email them about larger penises. Is that plural for penis? Or would it be penii? Oh well. \*\* I believe the plural is **penes**. ---
**Author:** ![Muad\_Dib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/35a633/32.png) [@Muad\_Dib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muad_Dib)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/14 "2002-12-11T05:34:39Z")
I hate to tell you this, but did you notice the very long and akward link that you provided? It is used as a means of tracking which spam recipient looked at the message. By clicking on it, and giving us the link to click on, you have insured that they now know yours is a working e-mail addy and you will be getting more spam because of it. ---
**Author:** ![Fearless\_Freap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e56c9b/32.png) [@Fearless\_Freap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fearless_Freap)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/15 "2002-12-11T05:40:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Caught@Work \* > \*\*I find that masturbation will also Expand, Lengthen And Enlarge My Penis Safely and Naturally 100% GUARANTEED!, so I don’t need them to help, thank you very much. \*\* LOL… Now, that is funny!!!😃 ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/16 "2002-12-11T05:56:54Z")
I want a penis. What’re they like? ---
**Author:** ![apotheosis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ba8739/32.png) [@apotheosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/apotheosis)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/17 "2002-12-11T06:17:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by GuanoLad \* > \*\*Regimental. Not continental. > > This message has been brought to you by “pedantic nitpicks R us” \*\* Incorrect nitpicks 'R us. Or, at least, insufficiently inclusive: [cite.](http://worldkids.net/entertainment/music/lyrics/kidsongs/earshang.htm) ['Nother one.](http://www.grandfolkies.com/rack1.htm) That’s the way we sang it through many, many years of Scouting. In the interest of fairness, [here’s](http://homepage.tinet.ie/~chambers/songs.html) one with the ‘regimental’ mod installed. RE the OP: Contact them posing as a government lawyer, warn them of potential fines for their customers’ obstruction of commercial airways unless they add disclaimers warning them not to sleep on their backs. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/18 "2002-12-11T06:54:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SPOOFE \* > \*\*I want a penis. What’re they like? \*\* I hear you can do all _sorts_ of things with em. We had a MPSIMS thread a while ago that had a bunch of crazy things mentioned. Lemme find it. I think I got it, lemme just read through it to be sure. Oh. Never mind. ---
**Author:** ![pantheon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/6bbea6/32.png) [@pantheon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pantheon)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/19 "2002-12-11T07:01:28Z")
Was anyone else amused by the fact that someone with the screen name of “Caught@Work” was advocating masturbation? or have I just read too many Dear Hustler letters? ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/20 "2002-12-11T12:51:44Z")
IF the pills were to work, does that mean I would have to buy a smaller, less pretentious car? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920.md?page=2)