# Finally - a bigger penis. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 11, 2002, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920 "2002-12-11T02:43:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Scruff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Scruff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scruff)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/21 "2002-12-11T16:51:12Z")
Consider the juxtaposition of the username **Caught@Work** with the statement _I find that masturbation will also Expand, Lengthen And Enlarge My Penis…_ Where do you work, exactly? And what do you do there? :o ---
**Author:** ![pohjonen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pohjonen/32/423_2.png) [@pohjonen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pohjonen)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/22 "2002-12-11T17:56:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RexDart \* > \*\*Two cars in every garage, and a penis on every groin. It’s the American (wet) Dream. > > It is one of those cruel twists of fate that we all would be better off with penises, but only 49% of us are lucky enough to get one. If only technology could provide a way to give us all the equal chance to have a penis. I’m not jealous. I’d welcome by new penis-toting brethren with open arms. A world in which there are enough penises for everyone…oh, dare to dream. > > Cruel fate, how tempst thou those poor penis-less ones with your offers of penis bounty? How can you dangle that glorious member right beneath their noses yet snatch it away right as they grasp for that glistening rod? “Shafted again!” is their cry, echoing longingly into the dark of night. They brave the night forsaken to cry forth “bring unto me your promised gift, send me the power by which I may coax to fruition my lifelong aspiration, a penis at last, with bulbous head to make the portentious poet forever sheath his pen!! Oh muse, Phallatio, sing to me of penises without end, and bringeth forth in me the passions known henceforth alone to those which grasp the penis in their hands.” > > Alas, the penis-giver lays silent, dormant…flaccid. And the penis-less ones are left to dream another day, of the promise yet unkept, and the penis living only in their minds. Take me from this place, oh guide, for I cannot bear to see the pain, ere lovely maidens’ maidenheads do sprout to heads made to den in maidens. \*\* _wiping away tears_ ---
**Author:** ![evilhomer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/43a26b/32.png) [@evilhomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evilhomer)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/23 "2002-12-11T18:15:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scruff \* > \*\*Consider the juxtaposition of the username **Caught@Work** with the statement _I find that masturbation will also Expand, Lengthen And Enlarge My Penis…_ > > Where do you work, exactly? And what do you do there? :o \*\* I’m not sure I want to know what he’s caught in though. Sounds painful. And from the post you quoted, I think we can make a guess at what ho does there 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kantalooppi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a5b964/32.png) [@Kantalooppi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kantalooppi)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/24 "2002-12-11T18:32:39Z")
> [@](#): > > And from the post you quoted, I think we can make a guess at what ho does there Well, that kind of depends on how much he’s willing to pay the ho. _coughs_ ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Rieux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dr.Rieux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Rieux)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/25 "2002-12-11T19:06:04Z")
If he could afford to pay a ho, he wouldn’t be doing _that_. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/26 "2002-12-11T19:40:26Z")
Majorly old joke follows… ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/27 "2002-12-11T19:43:13Z")
I was hiking with a friend of mine who is very competative. We come to a bridge over a river and both decide now is a good time to take a whizz. Friend: “Whew! That water’s cold!” Me: “Deep, too!” ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/28 "2002-12-11T19:44:30Z")
Told ya it was old… ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/29 "2002-12-11T19:45:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RexDart \* > \*\*It is one of those cruel twists of fate that we all would be better off with penises, but only 49% of us are lucky enough to get one. If only technology could provide a way to give us all the equal chance to have a penis. \*\* Silicone, my darling. I don’t need to make any of my three penii longer, I can just buy a new one for twenty bucks. \ ---
**Author:** ![roadrunner70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e19b73/32.png) [@roadrunner70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roadrunner70)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/30 "2002-12-11T19:49:50Z")
See, that’s the problem with spam. They can’t put that “AS SEEN ON TV” tag on 'em, so you can’t tell if it really works or not. ---
**Author:** ![Human\_Bean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/43a26b/32.png) [@Human\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Human_Bean)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/31 "2002-12-12T06:53:48Z")
I get the “enlarge your penis” spams and the “enlarge your breasts” spams (as do all the rest of you.) It seems to me that if you take both pills, you could have a promising and lucrative new career as a model on she-male websites. [Um, not that I’ve ever seen any of those, but, er, I’ve heard about them, and not that there’s anything wrong with that.] Actually, I tried one of those penis-enlarger things once. I didn’t really have any need to, but why not give it a try? It was a cream; the instructions said, “Apply to penis and massage for five minutes to absorb into skin.” And you know what, it worked! I was very impressed; the increase in length and girth was amazing! Unfortunately, the size increase didn’t seem to last very long. When I tried to contact the vendor for a refund, it seemed that they had moved and not left a forwarding address. I’m disappointed, and the tube is almost empty; maybe I’ll have to try those pills… ---
**Author:** ![RexDart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b77776/32.png) [@RexDart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RexDart)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/32 "2002-12-12T07:00:32Z")
Sounds alot like Steve Martin’s Penis Beauty Cream, **Human Bean** 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Human\_Bean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/43a26b/32.png) [@Human\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Human_Bean)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/33 "2002-12-12T07:14:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RexDart \* > \*\*Sounds alot like Steve Martin’s Penis Beauty Cream, **Human Bean** 😉 \*\* It’s possible, but not likely; my knowledge of his _oeuvre_ is limited to the public airwaves, and I don’t think that this subject qualifies for that. Maybe great minds think alike? Or at least a pig can find a truffle occasionally. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/34 "2002-12-12T07:18:10Z")
So, if someone had those pills rammed up their ass, would they develop an enlarged prostate? Or Hemmorhoids? ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/35 "2002-12-12T22:03:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SPOOFE \* > \*\*I want a penis. What’re they like? \*\* Ask [the Monty Python crew](http://www.stone-dead.asn.au/albums-cds/lyrics/penis-song.html). ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/36 "2002-12-13T01:45:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by apotheosis \* > \*\*Incorrect nitpicks 'R us. Or, at least, insufficiently inclusive: > [cite.](http://worldkids.net/entertainment/music/lyrics/kidsongs/earshang.htm) > ['Nother one.](http://www.grandfolkies.com/rack1.htm) > > That’s the way we sang it through many, many years of Scouting. > > In the interest of fairness, [here’s](http://homepage.tinet.ie/~chambers/songs.html) one with the ‘regimental’ mod installed. > > RE the OP: Contact them posing as a government lawyer, warn them of potential fines for their customers’ obstruction of commercial airways unless they add disclaimers warning them not to sleep on their backs. \*\* Googlefight for “over your shoulder like a [continental/regimental] soldier” shows 103 to 8 for continental. Just FYI 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![SandyHook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@SandyHook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SandyHook)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2002, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/37 "2002-12-16T16:50:03Z")
Laugh if you wish but it works. For the past few months I’ve been using these pills along with viagra and I haven’t rolled out of bed once during the night. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2002, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/38 "2002-12-16T16:54:22Z")
…the plural for _penis_ is, of course, **pensare**. Well, it _should_ be. ---
**Author:** ![ranwashingt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/779978/32.png) [@ranwashingt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ranwashingt)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2002, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/39 "2002-12-16T18:32:04Z")
Being a long time partaker of Porzac, as well as a regular regiment of other so inclined personality contrceptives, I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with an enlarged and raging penis. Its all I can do to brew up some Sleepy Time Tea, and stare out the window! Rand ---
**Author:** ![80sHairMetalMaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/8/ed655f/32.png) [@80sHairMetalMaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/80sHairMetalMaven)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2002, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920/40 "2002-12-16T18:39:51Z")
ROTFLMAO:D IDBB [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finally-a-bigger-penis/141920.md?page=3)