# Finding A Soulmate **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [August 18, 2003, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002 "2003-08-18T17:19:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2003, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/41 "2003-08-20T15:56:55Z")
**WillSantini** , do you think that everyone has a soulmate, or only some people? And do you think people can have more than one? And do you think the two of you were born soulmates or grew into it? (Also, I’m wondering if you’re using “incredibly deep friendship” to mean soulmate where the rest of us are using “happily ever after Lifetime movie ending”.) ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2003, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/42 "2003-08-20T16:45:09Z")
Oh dear. Two unrequited love “soulmates” in the same thread. **WillSantini,** I actually am happily married to the woman I love, which explains why I know this “soulmate” stuff is ridiculous baloney and you don’t. A truly fulfilling romantic relationship is the result of **HARD WORK.** It’s an ongoing process of self-examination, personal improvement, conflict resolution, and planning. I’m not quite as cynical as **transitionality** but his basic point is correct; a relationship is an ongoing exchangee, and the world’s economists are right; you get what you pay for, and if you put nothing in you will get nothing in return. It is not something that is destined to be, or something that just by magic happens to exist between two people. It is the result of a conscious decision to make a relationship work followed by substantial effort. And I’ll go further and state that, quite frankly, someone you aren’t having sex with or are going to have sex with isn’t much of a “soulmate.” A good friend, perhaps, but you obviously aren’t as close to this woman as a real couple is, or on a very basic level as close as you would be to someone you WERE sleeping with. Sex ain’t a replaceable thing. This silly, fantasyland idealism is exactly what leads to broken hearts, busted marriages, single parent homes, nasty divorces and screaming matches at 3 AM. I have known a lot of successful couples and a lot of unsuccessful ones. Absolutely, without one single exception, the success of a couple is directly proportional to how practical and work-oriented they are to their relationship. I have never in my life seen an exception to that rule and I never expect to. The most successful couples are the ones who think a relationship is about effort, work and compromise - who know that “love” is best understood as a verb, not a noun. And every couple I’ve known who believed they were “soulmates” and that they were just destined to be together, that they were “perfect” for each other, and butterflies would guide their way ended up in a horrible, messy split. ---
**Author:** ![Dogface](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@Dogface](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogface)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2003, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/43 "2003-08-20T19:34:24Z")
At one time the whole “soulmate” rubbish actually _required_ that the couple could not be married. The Court of Love ruled that it was impossible for a married couple to have true _Amor_. “Soulmate” is just another social construction, another mass neurosis that has plagued society since the whole _Amor_ nonsense got made up by the _trouveres_ in order to get a few more coins out of a frustrated old noblewoman’s purse. ---
**Author:** ![WillSantini](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ed8c4c/32.png) [@WillSantini](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WillSantini)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2003, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/44 "2003-08-20T20:50:25Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Super Gnat_ > **WillSantini, do you think that everyone has a soulmate, or only some people? And do you think people can have more than one? And do you think the two of you were born soulmates or grew into it? > (Also, I’m wondering if you’re using “incredibly deep friendship” to mean soulmate where the rest of us are using “happily ever after Lifetime movie ending”.)** I believe everyone has a soulmate. And there are lots of “ifs, ands, & buts” that I doubt I can explain. I don’t think any person has more than one soulmate. Like I said before, there are probably several people one could have a fulfilling life with, a successful marriage with, be happy with, but only one soulmate. I think most folks here are thinking soulmate = _happily ever after Lifetime movie ending_, but like I said before, finding your soulmate doesn’t automatically mean marriage and a picket fence. I’ve found my soulmate, and I doubt I will ever marry her. Marriage is a man made concept. Sharing a soul goes beyond social constraint. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Super Gnat_ > **WillSantini, do you think that everyone has a soulmate, or only some people? And do you think people can have more than one? And do you think the two of you were born soulmates or grew into it? > (Also, I’m wondering if you’re using “incredibly deep friendship” to mean soulmate where the rest of us are using “happily ever after Lifetime movie ending”.)** I believe everyone has a soulmate. And there are lots of “ifs, ands, & buts” that I doubt I can explain. I don’t think any person has more than one soulmate. Like I said before, there are probably several people one could have a fulfilling life with, a successful marriage with, be happy with, but only one soulmate. I think most folks here are thinking soulmate = _happily ever after Lifetime movie ending_, but like I said before, finding your soulmate doesn’t automatically mean marriage and a picket fence. I’ve found my soulmate, and I doubt I will ever marry her. Marriage is a man made concept. Sharing a soul goes beyond social constraint. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by RickJay_ > **WillSantini, I actually am happily married to the woman I love, which explains why I know this “soulmate” stuff is ridiculous baloney and you don’t.** I don’t doubt or question your love for your wife, but who says you will feel the same ten years from now? > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by RickJay_ > \*\*A truly fulfilling romantic relationship is the result of HARD WORK. \*\* Who says? Can’t some things come easy for some, and harder for others? I suppose any two people can get along if they work hard at it. But sometimes you don’t have to work hard for it, it just comes natural. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by RickJay_ > **And I’ll go further and state that, quite frankly, someone you aren’t having sex with or are going to have sex with isn’t much of a “soulmate.” A good friend, perhaps, but you obviously aren’t as close to this woman as a real couple is, or on a very basic level as close as you would be to someone you WERE sleeping with. Sex ain’t a replaceable thing.** I am closer to her than anyone I’ve ever had sex with. I would happily trade all my past sexual experiences for an embrace from **her**. I won’t dare think of what I would give up to spend a night with her. I am by no means saying that sex isn’t important in a romantic relationship. But there is more to life than sex. There is more to a romantic relationship than just sex. And why would you think she and I aren’t as close as a _real couple_? Cause we don’t have sex? I would venture to say that she knows more about me than any woman I’ve ever slept with. I think sex is a replaceable thing. I would rather hold her hand than jump into bed with a supermodel. I do find other women attractive, just not so much sexually attractive. I’ve come to realize that I don’t want anyone else, not even on a purely physical/horny level. And I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have sex with her if given the opportunity, but between us, we share something stronger than our physical selves. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by RickJay_ > **And every couple I’ve known who believed they were “soulmates” and that they were just destined to be together, that they were “perfect” for each other, and butterflies would guide their way ended up in a horrible, messy split.** Every newlywed couple believes they have married their soulmate, and that they will forever be together. I doubt anyone gets married knowing they will divorce in a few years. And we all make mistakes. Maybe it takes a few years to realize you have made a mistake. And some folks just weren’t meant to be together, others were and are, and still others were and aren’t. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Dogface_ > **"Soulmate" is just another social construction, another mass neurosis…** I know what I feel, I have lived my experiences, and I believe I have found my soulmate. ---
**Author:** ![Radon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Radon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Radon)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2003, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/45 "2003-08-20T21:20:10Z")
**I Heard an Idea that Impressed Me** The sermon was that marriage is a just a way to improve yourself. Just as diamonds are polished by grinding them against other diamonds (nothing is harder), the partners in a marriage grind away at each other until all the rough spots are gone. The tendency to flame up at insults gets tiring. The tendency to pick on the flaws of others results in fights, the tendency to be selfish causes blowback, lack of consideration for boring things that are important to others results in anger. Eventually, the married people develop real character. I like this idea because if you approach a marriage this way, you will not be as afraid of making the wrong choice because you could do “Better”. ---
**Author:** ![Joe\_Random](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Joe\_Random](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joe_Random)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2003, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/46 "2003-08-20T22:51:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WillSantini \* > **I believe everyone has a soulmate. And there are lots of “ifs, ands, & buts” that I doubt I can explain. I don’t think any person has more than one soulmate. Like I said before, there are probably several people one could have a fulfilling life with, a successful marriage with, be happy with, but only one soulmate.** From where did you draw this conclusion? Wishful thinking would seem the most obvious answer, but I’m interested to know what it is that has convinced you that not only do soulmates exist, but everyone has one and only one. > [@](#): > > **I’ve found my soulmate, and I doubt I will ever marry her. Marriage is a man made concept. Sharing a soul goes beyond social constraint.** Please demonstrate that people have something called a “soul”. Then explain what you mean by the phrase “sharing a soul”. After that is done, we can have a meaningful discussion. Otherwise, you’re just throwing around terms that would appear to have no meaning. Also, I find it a bit odd that you wouldn’t marry your “soulmate”. I don’t wish to pry, but I would guess that she is already married, or at least unavailable somehow. After all, you stated “ **I won’t dare think of what I would give up to spend a night with her** ”, which would imply that you _want_ to have sex with her, but something is preventing you from doing so. If you are unable to share a sexual relationship, perhaps things aren’t as perfect between you as you think they are. If two people were soulmates, wouldn’t they eschew all other bonds in order to be close to each other? Wouldn’t she want to have sex with you as much as you want to have sex with her? Something’s up there, and I’m sure that you’re in a better position to judge than I am, but it still seems that calling someone whom you are unable to sleep with (and who you will never marry) your soulmate is flawed somehow. Of course, since you have yet to define what the term “soulmate” really means, we could just be looking at things from totally different perspectives. > [@](#): > > **I don’t doubt or question your love for your wife, but who says you will feel the same ten years from now?** And who says that you’ll feel the same way about your “soulmate” ten years from now? > [@](#): > > \*\*I know what I feel, I have lived my experiences, and I believe I have found my soulmate. \*\* Please read what you wrote just before that: > [@](#): > > **Every newlywed couple believes they have married their soulmate** That suggests that it is quite common to believe that you have found your “soulmate” (whatever that is) even when you have not. I propose that your belief that you have found you soulmate has an equal probability of being in error. At any rate, it would be useful if you could define what you believe a soulmate **is**. Otherwise, we’re likely to end up talking past each other. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/47 "2003-08-21T02:15:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WillSantini \* > **Who says? Can’t some things come easy for some, and harder for others? I suppose any two people can get along if they work hard at it. But sometimes you don’t have to work hard for it, it just comes natural.** Well, _I_ say, and my wife says, and _every single person I have ever met in my entire life who had a long and successful partnership says._ I will take the opinions of dozens and dozens of people with relevant experience in these matters. If you are saying that pining away for an unattainable woman doesn’t require much effort, well, you may be right. Frankly, that’s not a “soulmate,” pal. > [@](#): > > And why would you think she and I aren’t as close as a _real couple_? Cause we don’t have sex? Well, that, and I’m presuming you don’t live together, share a car, share a financial life, have moved together to pursue one person’s career, have buried a parent or two together, or have raised children together. Just guessing, but those are the things that are the proving grounds of a REALLY close relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/48 "2003-08-21T03:30:09Z")
A really close relationship of a particular type. That isn’t the only sort of relationship there is; hell, it isn’t the only sort of romantic relationship there is, let alone the only sort of life-partnership. That doesn’t invalidate the belief that the whole “one-and-only-one” notion is defective; given that my posited soul is such that I cannot be happy in a one-and-only-one situation _at all_, if the concept of a “soulmate” is going to have validity, it at a bare minimum would have to lose the whole cachet of exclusivity. ---
**Author:** ![transitionality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5e925/32.png) [@transitionality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/transitionality)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/49 "2003-08-21T04:18:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WillSantini \* > **I am closer to her than anyone I’ve ever had sex with. I would happily trade all my past sexual experiences for an embrace from her. I won’t dare think of what I would give up to spend a night with her.** Dude, if she isn’t putting out to you, you’re obviously not her soulmate. I’m sorry. I do understand that you like her a lot (to the point of obsession, in fact) but she clearly doesn’t like you back as much – if she does at all. She goes around letting other guys bone her while you’re the chump buying her dinner and clothes and what have you. The way I understand the concept of soulmates, it’s supposed to be two people who are predestined to share their bodies, minds and emotions with each other, to the point of complete abandon and joy, forever. (This is not to say that I believe it, merely understand the definition.) The way you’re describing your relationship with this girl, you’re just obsessed with her, and she’s tolerating it (and probably leveraging it financially) up until when you start inconvinencing her too much, at which point she will dump your sorry ass. I’ve seen this sort of thing happen over and over. I know you mean well, but it’s not going to turn out pretty in the end. It never does. Please, for your own sake, get a clue. ---
**Author:** ![Wake\_up\_call](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/dec6dc/32.png) [@Wake\_up\_call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wake_up_call)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/50 "2003-08-21T05:18:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by transitionality \* > \*\*One can choose to not dump or not hurt one’s partner. One cannot choose to not get dumped or to not get hurt. We cannot make other people do or not do the things we wish of them. \*\* So, the insurance policy against people who do not do the things you wish of them is – To live a non-monogamous life. If any of them try to hurt you or dump you, you simply say bye-bye, because you already have other soulmates that you have maintained for years in parallel. My monogamous nephew thinks that my philosophy is a bunch of baloney. He cannot possibly think of having another relationship simultaneously while he has his one-and-only soulmate. So, at the end of the day, either you are monogamous, or you are not. If you are monogamous, you look for “The soulmate”. If you are not, you don’t have to be a Hugh Hefner, but you can get by on this planet without being hurt or dumped. ---
**Author:** ![Psifireus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Psifireus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Psifireus)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/51 "2003-08-21T06:41:35Z")
In my early twenties I lost a fiance in an alcohol related MVA. In the eighteen years that followed, I eventually dated, married, and even had a child, but I never found another love like the love I lost. Never even got close… Because of this, I came to believe, even feared at times, that this _lost love_ might have been my Soul Mate. Since he was gone forever that meant that I would most likely live out my life never again having that special bond with someone. Then, about a year ago, I went out with someone who sparked my interest and got me thinking he could _light that fire_ again. But with each passing day I realized that this was not an old fire being rekindled. What I feel for and share with this man far surpasses that which was shared with any other before him. What we have is no _common bond_. He feels it also. We _both_ know who we are to one another. I was raised to buy into that _Happily Ever After_ mentality and, for some reason the term _Soul Mates_ just evokes that same image of an effortless life made possible entirely because you are loved by another. But I certainly don’t discount the concept. On the contrary I tend to believe there is alot of truth in this… > [@](#): > > Posted by **flonks** > …Soulmates are not “just” together to experience happiness and luck. They are also together to learn from each other, and this can be painful. > > I do believe, that there is a purpose in this life, and that we are here on this planet to learn lessons, that we are here for spiritual development. Soulmates are one more aspect of that: We have them, because they are our perfect learning partners. They do have the exact characters we need to develop ourselves. That also means that they sometimes trigger very painful experiences in the relationship, which need to be overcome through personal development. > > And: we can’t fulfill our lives through others. Searching and longing for a soulmate is not necessarily bad, but we should not rely on a soulmate to value ourselves, our lifes or what we are. but I also agree with this… > [@](#): > > Posted by **RickJay** > > … A truly fulfilling romantic relationship is the result of HARD WORK. It’s an ongoing process of self-examination, personal improvement, conflict resolution, and planning. I’m not quite as cynical as transitionality but his basic point is correct; a relationship is an ongoing exchangee, and the world’s economists are right; you get what you pay for, and if you put nothing in you will get nothing in return. It is not something that is destined to be, or something that just by magic happens to exist between two people. It is the result of a conscious decision to make a relationship work followed by substantial effort. ---
**Author:** ![Mdm.President](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@Mdm.President](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mdm.President)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/52 "2003-08-21T15:51:28Z")
I suppose I have to believe in soul mates because there is no other explanation for why my husband and I are so happy. We don’t deserve it anymore than the next person and sometimes it makes me feel quite guilty. There is just no explanation for why we work so well when others are caused so much pain from people they love. We have been together since we were 17 so I know our happiness is not, at least hasn’t always been, due to hard work, understanding, compromise, etc.…we were just kids. Looking back we have had some really hard times so far (being dirt poor) but at the time we just felt so lucky we couldn’t dwell on the negative. It can’t just be coincidence. We were each others first everything (well I did let another boy get to 2nd base, but that’s it! I hope we all have the same interpretation of 2nd base.) so it’s not due to experience. We both grew up in a small town (14,000) so it’s not like we had lots to choose from. But everywhere its good to be different, were different, and everywhere its good to be the same, were the same. We have had people twice our age tell us they have never seen such a stable couple. We both even have horrible tempers. I learned to control mine and now I try to teach him to do the same. So why? Why else would we work? ---
**Author:** ![WillSantini](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ed8c4c/32.png) [@WillSantini](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WillSantini)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/53 "2003-08-21T16:41:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Joe Random \* > **From where did you draw this conclusion? Wishful thinking would seem the most obvious answer, but I’m interested to know what it is that has convinced you that not only do soulmates exist, but everyone has one and only one.** I draw this conclusion from my own experiences. I’ll be the first to say that I sure as hell don’t have the answers to everything, I don’t have the answers to most things. But I know what I feel with this woman can not be anything less than the closeness of soulmates. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Joe Random \* > **Please demonstrate that people have something called a “soul”. Then explain what you mean by the phrase “sharing a soul”.** I can not demonstrate that people have a “soul”, nor can I demonstrate people have a mind, or feel love, but can you demonstrated that people don’t have a soul? “Sharing a soul” means just that. Two bodies, one soul. When/If you find your soulmate, you will know. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Joe Random \* > \*\*Also, I find it a bit odd that you wouldn’t marry your “soulmate”. \*\* What does marriage, a man made concept, have to do with anything? Does one have to be married to be happy? > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Joe Random \* > **If you are unable to share a sexual relationship, perhaps things aren’t as perfect between you as you think they are. If two people were soulmates, wouldn’t they eschew all other bonds in order to be close to each other? Wouldn’t she want to have sex with you as much as you want to have sex with her?** Is sex so important that two people can’t be happy without it? Like I said before, I would give up all my past sexual experiences for an embrace from her. When you share a soul, sex isn’t really all that important. All other bonds can not be cut. Sacrifices have to be made, we can not be together right not, maybe never. Somethings are more important than our own happiness. She says she does want to have sex with me, but because of previous decisions, we can not. And I never said things are perfect between us. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Joe Random \* > **Something’s up there, and I’m sure that you’re in a better position to judge than I am, but it still seems that calling someone whom you are unable to sleep with (and who you will never marry) your soulmate is flawed somehow.** Yes, concerning my experiences and my feelings, I do believe I am in a better position to judge. Not being able to sleep with her, or marry her, has nothing to do with being soulmates. There is so much more to being in love, and making love, than sex or marriage. A simple touch of her hand is more love than any of my past sexual experiences. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Joe Random \* > **That suggests that it is quite common to believe that you have found your “soulmate” (whatever that is) even when you have not. I propose that your belief that you have found you soulmate has an equal probability of being in error.** I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am. A feeling like this can not be wrong. ---
**Author:** ![WillSantini](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ed8c4c/32.png) [@WillSantini](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WillSantini)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/54 "2003-08-21T16:44:41Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by RickJay_ > **If you are saying that pining away for an unattainable woman doesn’t require much effort, well, you may be right. Frankly, that’s not a “soulmate,” pal.** I don’t think I’m pining away for her. I know I can’t be with her, and that’s that. Her being unattainable has nothing to do with her being my soulmate. Previous decisions prevent us from being together. But we still share a friendship, we just can’t live together as a “normal couple”. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by RickJay_ > **Well, that, and I’m presuming you don’t live together, share a car, share a financial life, have moved together to pursue one person’s career, have buried a parent or two together, or have raised children together. Just guessing, but those are the things that are the proving grounds of a REALLY close relationship.** Thousands (millions?) of couples have done all that and still divorced. So going through those experiences really has no relevance. Just like there are plenty of couples who are at each other’s throats and spend the rest of their lives together. ---
**Author:** ![WillSantini](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ed8c4c/32.png) [@WillSantini](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WillSantini)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/55 "2003-08-21T16:46:49Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by transitionality_ > **Dude, if she isn’t putting out to you, you’re obviously not her soulmate. I’m sorry. I do understand that you like her a lot (to the point of obsession, in fact) but she clearly doesn’t like you back as much – if she does at all. She goes around letting other guys bone her while you’re the chump buying her dinner and clothes and what have you.** So “putting out” equals soulmate? And how can you gather that she doesn’t feel the same for me? She tells me; almost on a daily basis, that she does. And she’s not going around letting other guys bone her. And I very rarely buy her anything. The occasional beer, the occasional lunch. And she does the same for me. Her paycheck is bigger than mine, so it’s not like she’s taking advantage of me financially. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by transitionality_ > **The way you’re describing your relationship with this girl, you’re just obsessed with her, and she’s tolerating it (and probably leveraging it financially) up until when you start inconvinencing her too much, at which point she will dump your sorry ass.** Obsessed- To preoccupy the mind of excessively. (from [www.dictionary.com](http://www.dictionary.com)) Yes, I suppose I am. Isn’t everyone who is in love? Why would you assume she is just tolerating me? You haven’t heard her side of the story. As far as me inconveniencing her, she has made me promise to never break contact with her. **sorry ass** … must we stoop to name calling? ---
**Author:** ![Joe\_Random](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Joe\_Random](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joe_Random)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/56 "2003-08-21T18:05:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WillSantini \* > **I can not demonstrate that people have a “soul”, nor can I demonstrate people have a mind, or feel love, but can you demonstrated that people don’t have a soul?** First off, given some EEG equipment and some test subjects, one _can_ demonstrate that people have a mind and feel something that they call love. Those things are merely functions of the brain. However, one does not have to demonstrate that people don’t have a soul any more than they have to demonstrate that the tooth fairy doesn’t exist. Claims like that are assumed false until evidence can be provided to show otherwise. So if you can provide no evidence that something called a “soul” exists, then there’s no reason for anyone to believe in it. > [@](#): > > **"Sharing a soul" means just that. Two bodies, one soul. When/If you find your soulmate, you will know.** Sounds to me like you’re romanticizing things overly much. First of all, you can’t even show that something called a soul exists. I’ll wager that you have no way to show that one soul can be split across multiple people, nor can you demonstrate a single instance of this splitting. Basically, you’re taking popular mythology and applying it to your emotional state, causing you to read more significance into this relationship than actually exists. > [@](#): > > **Is sex so important that two people can’t be happy without it? Like I said before, I would give up all my past sexual experiences for an embrace from her. When you share a soul, sex isn’t really all that important.** I think you’re deluding yourself. You already said that you wouldn’t want to think of what you would be willing to give up for one night with this woman. Based on that statement, sex _is_ important to you. Important enough that you’d be willing to give up almost anything for it. You can’t go back and say that sex _isn’t_ important after that. At least, you can’t say that and _mean_ it. > [@](#): > > **All other bonds can not be cut. Sacrifices have to be made, we can not be together right not, maybe never.** So you would be willing to give up almost anything to have sex with her, but she doesn’t feel the same way (e.g. there are a number of things that she will _not_give up for your relationship). It doesn’t sound like she considers you _her_ soulmate. I don’t know what the situation is, but if she is married, and if being with one’s soulmate is as important as you say it is, then she would get a divorce in a heartbeat. So I’m going to take my assumptions a step further and assume that she is either very religious, or she has children with her current husband (or both). > [@](#): > > **She says she does want to have sex with me, but because of previous decisions, we can not.** Sure she can. You two go somewhere where you can be alone for a while and you have sex. It’s quite simple. It sounds to me like this “soulmate” thing is pretty much one-sided. Either that, or I was right about her aforementioned religious convictions. Just another example of religion hampering people from attaining happiness. Of course, if the whole religion angle is correct, and God created the two of you with one soul, then wouldn’t it stand to reason that God would _want_ her to be married to you instead of whoever she’s with right now? > [@](#): > > \*\*I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am. A feeling like this can not be wrong. \*\* So sayeth every divorced couple at their honymoon. Considering the ~50% divorce rate, I am forced to conclude that a feeling like that _can_ be wrong, and _is_ wrong at least 50% of the time. You’re just suffering from our-love-is-different syndrome, which is closely related to it-will-never-happen-to-me syndrome. Both of those are all too common. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/57 "2003-08-21T18:21:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WillSantini \* > \*\* I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am. A feeling like this can not be wrong. \*\* The sheer _earnestness_ of this statement is almost overwhelming. If I’ve learned anything at all, it’s that feelings are neither right, nor wrong. There is no correlation with the strength of the feeling and the truth of the situation. I do hope you have found true happiness. It may be unlikely, but it _could_ happen. After all, the race is not always to the swift, nor the victory to the strong. But that’s the way you should bet. Hey, what the heck ever happened to **Isabelle** anyway? ---
**Author:** ![Isabelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b5a626/32.png) [@Isabelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isabelle)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/58 "2003-08-21T18:26:39Z")
Isabelle is present and accounted for. Reading all the posts!! ---
**Author:** ![Creative\_Munster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/919ad9/32.png) [@Creative\_Munster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creative_Munster)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/59 "2003-08-21T18:48:45Z")
How old are you, WillSantini? I am just curious because you have the self delusion of a young man or someone who hasn’t had much experience at all. I take it this woman is in a loveless marriage, is afraid of leaving the marriage and is seeking the emotional love she needs. You are fulfilling that need for her. Everything the previous posters have written is true. Being a hopeless romantic doesn’t make you noble. It just makes you hopeless. ---
**Author:** ![transitionality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5e925/32.png) [@transitionality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/transitionality)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2003, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002/60 "2003-08-21T18:57:11Z")
The only way a man like **WillSantini** will ever get a clue is when he gets his heart broken into shatters, burned to ashes, machinegunned into giblets. His sort of self-delusion is completely self-consistent, completely insane as it is. The more we object to it, the more he will justify it to himself. I hate to see a man hang himself with enough of his own rope, but sometimes there is no other alternative to self-enlightenment. As Morpheus says in The Matrix: “Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.” The Matrix is, of course, an illusion, much like the soulmates mythos. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/finding-a-soulmate/196002.md?page=4)