# First Contact scenario **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 31, 2006, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942 "2006-08-31T16:55:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2006, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/21 "2006-09-01T15:59:00Z")
Well, they’re here for a reason, right? And since you said it wasn’t an invasion but a true first contact, and that they landed somewhere that had a lot of witnesses, it’s obvious that they want to tell the entire population something. So, - They tell us about the entry requirements to Galatic civilization - They’re here to warn us about the berserker machines coming to eradicate life on our planet - They are trying to recruit us to help them overthrow the legitimate Galactic government With the scenario you’ve posed, that’s what comes to mind. And then we will argue and squabble amongst ourselves until the opportunity they present (good or bad) is gone, and it’s too late. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2006, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/22 "2006-09-01T17:39:23Z")
[QUOTE=Klaatu] Your choice is simple. Join us and live in peace or pursue your present course and face obliteration. We shall be waiting for your answer. The decision rests with you. [/QUOTE] So if you and your fancy smancy robots are so damn smart, who obiliterate us? You got those cool space ships, just blow up anything that tries to leave orbit. But no, you’ve got to obliterate the everyone from the war mongering Commies in the kermlin to the little !Klung babies that have never heard of your ultimatium because they never saw a TV or heard a radio. You jokers are about as intelligent and civilized as Genghis Kahn. ---
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2006, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/23 "2006-09-01T19:31:40Z")
[QUOTE=Winston Smith] We panic and kill them. Or try to. I can’t imagine any scenario that does not end in violence. I mean, this is _us_ we’re talking about, here. [/QUOTE] I don’t know much about the south or Atlanta in particular … but I do know they are not fucking peasants frightened by “woodless fire” and “magical clouds from the sky”. ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2006, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/24 "2006-09-01T21:01:55Z")
[QUOTE=Push You Down] I don’t know much about the south or Atlanta in particular … but I do know they are not fucking peasants frightened by “woodless fire” and “magical clouds from the sky”. [/QUOTE] I don’t know the poster’s intent for certain, but I’m pretty sure he ment “we” as in humans, not a particular jab at southerners. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2006, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/25 "2006-09-01T21:17:39Z")
[QUOTE=Skald the Rhymer] Instead I’d be plotting to take advantage of their obvious naivete by manipulating them into giving me control of their starcraft so that I might use its advanced technology to overthrow all legitimate governments & cast you all into chains. 'Cept Anaamika and Carlyjay. [/QUOTE] Dude, remember when we chatted about what would happen if you went all evil overlord and stuff? It’s two in the head for you. Unless, of course, you cut me in on the action. For starters, I’ll accept the head of your first listed coconspirator… ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2006, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/26 "2006-09-01T22:40:33Z")
[QUOTE=Oakminster] Dude, remember when we chatted about what would happen if you went all evil overlord and stuff? It’s two in the head for you. Unless, of course, you cut me in on the action. For starters, I’ll accept the head of your first listed coconspirator… [/QUOTE] 😕 **Oakminister** , why would you remind me of the fact that I have to have you sentenced to the pickle mines as soon as I become God-King? I had COMPLETELY forgotten. But now I have put it in Outlook. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2006, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/27 "2006-09-02T01:35:01Z")
What happens next? The Atlanta airport gets shut down while authorities try to sort things out. This causes a massive tangle in the air traffic system which leads to the cancellation of thousands of flights for days. Fights break out among passengers stranded at airports. The fights gradually turn into full-scale rioting. Soon the largest cities in the United States are in flames. Since mosty passenegers are traveling for business, international commerce is thrown into chaos. Stock markets around the world collapse. Universal upheaval and global revolution follow. The entire world is now ripe for alien takeover without their having to take a single aggressive act. If the aliens had landed at O’Hare, they could have conquered the entire solar system. ---
**Author:** ![Llama\_Llogophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@Llama\_Llogophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Llama_Llogophile)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2006, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/28 "2006-09-02T01:48:01Z")
Homeland Security would screen them for such futuristic weapons as nail clippers and hair gel. They would be refused entry visas by Customs. Then we’d put them on the terrorist watch list. Unfortunately, I’m actually being kind of serious. I seriously believe this is what we have come to. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2006, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/29 "2006-09-02T03:19:10Z")
[QUOTE=Skald the Rhymer] 😕 **Oakminister** , why would you remind me of the fact that I have to have you sentenced to the pickle mines as soon as I become God-King? I had COMPLETELY forgotten. But now I have put it in Outlook. [/QUOTE] See, there’s your first mistake. Never, ever, under any conditions, allow the potential hero the chance for a glorious escape to lead the revolution. If you want to keep power, you kill those that oppose you. Then you cremate the bodies, mix the ashes with holy water, then scatter them to the 4 winds. You need me. And my loyallty is for sale. Not cheap, but for sale. Have your people call my people, and we’ll do lunch. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2006, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/30 "2006-09-02T03:29:00Z")
Skald: Dude, don’t do it, it’s A Clever Ruse. Sure you’ll do lunch, and Mr. Super Hero will leave you with the tab. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2006, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/31 "2006-09-02T09:17:31Z")
Drive a tank up to the ship (turret either reversed, or at a 90° angle away from the craft), playing “Ode to Joy” over a PA system. (I basically cribbed that from John Christopher. Sue me, it’s a good idea. Although, this being America, we might substitute the Allegro from the Brandenberg Concerto, or _Variations on a Shaker Melody_.) [QUOTE=carnivorousplant] You jokers are about as intelligent and civilized as Genghis Kahn. [/QUOTE] Didn’t Genghis Khan unite most of Asia under a single, meritocratic government, with religious freedom for all, and tax exemptions for teachers and artists? (True, he killed a lot of people to do it. I mean a _lot_. Whooole lotta corpses. Yep, a dearth of not-deaddies.) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Foldup\_Rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df788c/32.png) [@Foldup\_Rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Foldup_Rabbit)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2006, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/32 "2006-09-02T09:38:12Z")
[QUOTE=Ranchoth] Drive a tank up to the ship (turret either reversed, or at a 90° angle away from the craft), playing “Ode to Joy” over a PA system. (I basically cribbed that from John Christopher. Sue me, it’s a good idea. Although, this being America, we might substitute the Allegro from the Brandenberg Concerto, or _Variations on a Shaker Melody_.) [/QUOTE] Being America, I bet you’ll be playing Justin Timberlake’s _SexyBack_, actually. ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2006, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/33 "2006-09-02T12:35:46Z")
it just occurred to me that nobody has yet stated the obvious answer: “Gork Klaatu Nikto Barata” ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2006, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/34 "2006-09-02T13:12:23Z")
[QUOTE=Ranchoth] Drive a tank up to the ship (turret either reversed, or at a 90° angle away from the craft), playing “Ode to Joy” over a PA system. [/QUOTE] A vote for [Robert Johnson’s](http://www.deltahaze.com/johnson/) _Crossroads Blues_ or [Blind Willie Johson’s](http://www.bigroadblues.com/features/blindwillie.shtml) _Dark Was the Night, Cold Was the Ground._ Show them we are intelligent and have class. [QUOTE=Ranchoth] Didn’t Genghis Khan unite most of Asia under a single, meritocratic government, with religious freedom for all, and tax exemptions for teachers and artists? [/QUOTE] Hell if I know. _You_ try and insult some guy with FTL drive and an eight foot, 1950’s style death ray toting robot. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2006, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/35 "2006-09-02T23:09:14Z")
WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOUR PLANET SINCE IT’S CREATION…5000 YEARS AGO…BY GOD!! ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2006, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/36 "2006-09-02T23:10:15Z")
but they would say “its”, not “it’s” ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2006, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/37 "2006-09-03T00:53:38Z")
[QUOTE=msmith537] 5000 YEARS AGO..BY GOD!! [/QUOTE] Well, I’m glad we got _that_ settled. ---
**Author:** ![Wendell\_Wagner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8491ac/32.png) [@Wendell\_Wagner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wendell_Wagner)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2006, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/38 "2006-09-03T01:48:37Z")
Atomic Dog writes: \> The ship (what it is is not important - flying saucer, Millennium Falcon, General \> Products hull, whatever) settles on the tarmac with thousands of airport \> passengers as witnesses; local news, network news, cable news - they’re all \> there in a heartbeat. No way can the feds cover this up; it’s all out in the open. Sorry to nitpick this, but the scenario wouldn’t work quite that way. The air traffic controllers would stop all air traffic in and out of Atlanta. The planes on the ground would be immediately sent to the landing gates and all the passengers would be told to get off the planes and leave the secure area of the airport. All the passengers who were waiting for their planes would also be told to leave the secure area. They would be told to go home or to a hotel if possible and otherwise to wait outside the secure area, but they’d be told that it’s likely that no flights will take off for at least a day. No cars would be allowed to enter the airport area (except maybe some taxis to get passengers home or to a hotel if that’s possible). There’s no way to cover up what’s going on, since hundreds of passengers will have cell phones with them and will be phoning everyone they know about what’s going on. Some official U.S. government team will be sent to the airport to await the aliens coming out of their vehicle. Since what’s going on will soon be on the news, many news teams will arrive at the airport. Many other nations will ask to be there when the aliens come out of the vehicle. This would probably end with news people allowed to watch what’s going on from the windows in the secure area of the airport and some non-American official observers allowed to watch the vehicle from slightly further away than the American team. When the aliens finally step out from their vehicle, everyone will wait to see what they do. Nobody’s going to shoot the aliens or try to blow up their vehicle if the aliens don’t do anything violent themselves. There will doubtlessly be people on the observer teams who’ve seen the movie _The Day the Earth Stood Still_ and who know very well what a stupid idea it would be to shoot first. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2006, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/39 "2006-09-03T02:14:08Z")
[QUOTE=Winston Smith] We panic and kill them. Or try to. I can’t imagine any scenario that does not end in violence. I mean, this is _us_ we’re talking about, here. [/QUOTE] You’re a human being. Would YOU shoot them? I would imagine there’d be a panicked scramble to find some reasonably serious scientists who wrote papers on xenobiology, while some Air Force colonel tried to make basic contact based on what he vaguely remembers from “Close Encounters of the Third Kind,” or at least the parts where he wasn’t necking with Susie McBackseat. The thing is, it really does matter what the aliens are like. If they look like Klingons or Twi’leks or something humanoid and have already managed to learn at least a few words of English, like “Hello! We are being the aliens! We come are pleased to meet you! Let us now negotiate the agreements yes!” and don’t mind sitting down to grunt and gesture some basic understandings, things might go reasonably well. If, on the other hand, the door opens and out oozes a gelatinous blob that lives in a symbiotic relationship with a colony of eleven-legged bug-eyed spider-things that cover almost the entire blob and it communicates by spaying mucous at you, things might not go so well. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2006, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942/40 "2006-09-03T03:02:20Z")
[QUOTE=msmith537] WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOUR PLANET SINCE IT’S CREATION…5000 YEARS AGO..BY GOD!! [/QUOTE] “Yes, the General Operations Director of Worlds R Us. He’s on board to deliver eviction papers; I’m afraid your rent is 4,999 years overdue.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-contact-scenario/370942.md?page=3)