# First date after divorce **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 11, 2012, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366 "2012-10-11T00:14:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/1 "2012-10-11T00:14:58Z")
Hello dopers, I need your advise! I am going on my first date in about 16 years and well it is a bit perplexing. I am a 46 yo man who has been separated for 12 months. A little while ago I put up a profile on POF and got tons of messages, it was very flattering! Anyway to cut a long story short I am meeting up with a lady I met on line and have spoken to four times, each time for about 2 hours. The vibe is pretty cool, very relaxed but also playful. So first date, do I turn up with flowers? Any other tips from people who are closer to the dating scene would be awesome, I have never really dated as such. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/2 "2012-10-11T00:46:01Z")
My first date I did not show up with flowers. We met for dinner. Talked. Promised to have a second date. We have been dating for almost 2 years. ---
**Author:** ![Lochdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/edb3f5/32.png) [@Lochdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lochdale)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/3 "2012-10-11T00:54:35Z")
> [@sisu](#): > > Hello dopers, I need your advise! > > I am going on my first date in about 16 years and well it is a bit perplexing. I am a 46 yo man who has been separated for 12 months. A little while ago I put up a profile on POF and got tons of messages, it was very flattering! > > Anyway to cut a long story short I am meeting up with a lady I met on line and have spoken to four times, each time for about 2 hours. The vibe is pretty cool, very relaxed but also playful. > > So first date, do I turn up with flowers? > > Any other tips from people who are closer to the dating scene would be awesome, I have never really dated as such. Do not show up,with flowers. Instead, be yourself, have fun and pay for dinner. ---
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/4 "2012-10-11T00:55:07Z")
Yeah I am a flowers kind of guy but on a first date I think it would be cheesy, but hey I am a guy! Yes I fully plan on paying for dinner, wouldn’t have it any other way. ---
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/5 "2012-10-11T00:57:36Z")
Don’t bring flowers. It’s too much, too soon. It makes you look kind of desperate and/or a bit clueless. Stick to coffee and conversation. Maybe dinner and conversation, if you already know each other. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/6 "2012-10-11T01:00:29Z")
Female here. No flowers, definitely not. Good luck. Relax and just try to enjoy yourself! ---
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/7 "2012-10-11T01:41:51Z")
Well this may be confirmation bias but sounds like my plan is golden! My plan is to be me, a charming me but still me. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/8 "2012-10-11T01:50:18Z")
I agree that you should skip the flowers. It’s a good sign that you’ve had some good phone conversations. I assume that she knows that it’s your first date so don’t sweat it. Just have a good time. ---
**Author:** ![Hockeyshrink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4491bb/32.png) [@Hockeyshrink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hockeyshrink)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/9 "2012-10-11T01:56:00Z")
I didn’t go on any dates until almost three years after my divorce was final. I think if you look at it as “two people getting together as friends, and maybe something romantic will happen, but even if it doesn’t I still get to make a new friend” it takes a lot of the pressure off. ---
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/10 "2012-10-11T01:59:00Z")
> [@Hockeyshrink](#): > > I didn’t go on any dates until almost three years after my divorce was final. I think if you look at it as “two people getting together as friends, and maybe something romantic will happen, but even if it doesn’t I still get to make a new friend” it takes a lot of the pressure off. Sage advice, I like it. Widening my social circle is pretty important at the moment. It’s amazing how many people are friends of the couple but not of the individuals. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/11 "2012-10-11T03:38:08Z")
Moved from MPSIMS to IMHO, our advice forum. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/12 "2012-10-11T04:31:38Z")
Is it a date, or is it a meet-and-greet? My advice for online dating is to make your first meeting a meet-and-greet - have a coffee/drink together for half an hour or so, then end the meeting. You don’t know until you meet someone in person if there is any chemistry or not, and a whole long date with a stranger can be a very long time. No flowers, no gifts on the first meeting - just show up all showered and clean and good-smelling, wearing nice casual clothes, and be your best self. Don’t stress too much - she’s just as nervous as you are. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![duchessofdork](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4af34b/32.png) [@duchessofdork](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duchessofdork)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/13 "2012-10-11T06:14:58Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Is it a date, or is it a meet-and-greet? My advice for online dating is to make your first meeting a meet-and-greet - have a coffee/drink together for half an hour or so, then end the meeting. You don’t know until you meet someone in person if there is any chemistry or not, and a whole long date with a stranger can be a very long time. > > No flowers, no gifts on the first meeting - just show up all showered and clean and good-smelling, wearing nice casual clothes, and be your best self. > > Don’t stress too much - she’s just as nervous as you are. 🙂 This is all really good advice. ---
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/14 "2012-10-11T06:19:52Z")
Well just about to head off, all advice gratefully received! ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/15 "2012-10-11T07:12:20Z")
Hope it went well! FWIW, I’d have also said “no flowers” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/16 "2012-10-11T12:09:39Z")
> [@sisu](#): > > Sage advice, I like it. Widening my social circle is pretty important at the moment. It’s amazing how many people are friends of the couple but not of the individuals. Thats exactly how I did things. Got out more. Met people. Networked with friends. Met there friends. Had sex with semi-random women. Before I found a girlfriend to date exclusively. Now things are pretty settled down. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/17 "2012-10-11T12:52:03Z")
Last night I was on my phone so I didn’t put any real advice. As someone who has gone through this recently I have a few things to add. Hope its not too late. 😃 No flowers. At our age hopefully the women you meet will be beyond to little girl notion of romance and being swept off their feet. You want someone interested in substance. Not a bad idea to throw in romance too but this is just the first time you have met. Be yourself. Don’t try to spin things in your life. Don’t try to hide things. Better that those negative things come out sooner rather than later. Don’t lie. Even a little bit. Not if you are hoping for a relationship. The subject will come up but don’t dwell on your ex or the divorce. Think about your deal breakers ahead of time. Look for signs of them during the date. You do not want to waste your time on someone with issues you can not overlook. If it doesn’t feel right just move on. We are supposed to be older and wiser now. No pressure, just try to have fun. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/18 "2012-10-11T14:09:37Z")
My advice, and from the women I dated they appreciated this, was if there is any connection whatsoever when you meet give it about 30 minutes that ask for the second date. It seems to set everyone at ease that “they want to see me again” and puts less pressure on the first date. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/19 "2012-10-11T14:50:33Z")
I would have said - don’t be late. But it looks like OP hasn’t even made it home yet. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366/20 "2012-10-11T14:54:09Z")
> [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#): > > I would have said - don’t be late. But it looks like OP hasn’t even made it home yet. 😃 I hope he didn’t wake up in a tub full of ice with a kidney missing. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-date-after-divorce/637366.md?page=2)