# First Words on Mars **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 4, 2001, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385 "2001-05-04T20:29:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2001, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/1 "2001-05-04T20:29:00Z")
According to Kim Stanley Robinson’s **Red Mars** , the first words spoken on Mars will be “Well, here we are.” I love the idea, but I think it’s a bit unlikely that it’d get past the PR people at NASA. But it got me thinking about what I’d say if I was the first human there. Maybe… “Hmm… nice planet.” or… ::does pratfall:: “Umm… that’s one small trip for a man, one giant trip for mankind.” or… “No…air… can’t…breathe…” Got any suggestions? ---
**Author:** ![mrblue92](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@mrblue92](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrblue92)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2001, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/2 "2001-05-04T20:56:05Z")
“No, not that button!” “What do you mean we’re out of fuel?” “Bob, where’d you put the freeze-dried… What the hell was that bump? Hey did we just land?” “I think I just stepped in something.” “I’m so excited I just peed my space-suit.” “You told me we were going to Disneyland!” Or just plain: “Aieeeee! Radioactive steam!” (I hope someone gets the reference…) ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2001, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/3 "2001-05-04T23:22:08Z")
“Oh shit, it’s O.J.” ---
**Author:** ![Albert\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Albert\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Albert_Rose)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2001, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/4 "2001-05-04T23:38:45Z")
“Hello, Mars. I’d like to tell you about Jesus.” “Ni!” “I’m bored. Let’s leave.” “Cecil, go heat up some f\*ckchops.” ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/5 "2001-05-05T02:27:25Z")
You say your name is _Tars Tarkas_? Is that spelled with one or two "t"s? ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/6 "2001-05-05T02:29:09Z")
“Jesus Christ! There’s already a ‘Starbucks’ here!” ---
**Author:** ![Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/earl_snake-hips_tucker/32/3269_2.png) [@Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earl_Snake-Hips_Tucker)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/7 "2001-05-05T04:39:20Z")
Good Luck, Mr Gorsky! ---
**Author:** ![Mercutio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/51bf81/32.png) [@Mercutio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mercutio)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/8 "2001-05-05T04:46:52Z")
“Wait, wait. Can we do that take over again? There’s a coyote in the background!” ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/9 "2001-05-05T04:55:33Z")
Uncle Martin! ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/10 "2001-05-05T05:01:36Z")
“No honey! You said take a left and I took a left. And let me tell you something, this does NOT look like aunt Margarets!” ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_Rhosis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d9b06d/32.png) [@Sir\_Rhosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_Rhosis)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/11 "2001-05-05T05:04:04Z")
1. All your Mars are belong to us. 2. NASA, it closely resembles Edward James Olmos’ face. 3. Hi, Opar (OK, I’m mixing my ERB, so sue me!) 4. Mars ain’t no kind of place to raise your kids. In fact it’s cold as Hell. And there’s no one there to (something-the-other) if you did/died/dead. 5. And the trusty standby, “Take me to your leader.” Sir Rhosis ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/12 "2001-05-05T07:14:51Z")
Huh. So _that’s_ what happened to the dinosaurs. ---
**Author:** ![lawoot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/35a633/32.png) [@lawoot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lawoot)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/13 "2001-05-05T07:17:33Z")
“Do I have to make a purchase to use the can?” ---
**Author:** ![Palmyra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/57b2e6/32.png) [@Palmyra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palmyra)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/14 "2001-05-05T07:37:42Z")
::climbs down the ladder and steps onto the surface:: [E.I.] OOOH! It’s all sticky! Made of jam. [/E.I.] ---
**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/15 "2001-05-05T11:15:51Z")
How about: -“ **Whoa**! _Dude!_ We made it!! Let’s spark up another one to celebrate!” -“AHHHHHH!!! The mind-lice!!! It _ **BURNS** _!!!” (just to keep NASA on its toes for a bit!) -“one small step for a man, one giant leap for **bump** OW! OW! DAMN! My funny bone…” -“I’M not going first! What if there are sandworms? YOU go first!” -“uh… uh… CRAP! I forgot what I was gonna say!!” ---
**Author:** ![darian00](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dfb087/32.png) [@darian00](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/darian00)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/16 "2001-05-05T13:09:23Z")
let’s try… \*What kind of name is Barsoom anyway? (someone PLEASE get this) \*Who farted? \*Anyone feel like we’re being watched? \*So where’s this face we keep hearing about? ---
**Author:** ![Tommy\_the\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Tommy\_the\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tommy_the_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/17 "2001-05-05T14:09:32Z")
So that’s where that damn probe landed. ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/18 "2001-05-05T18:25:47Z")
A non-doper friend suggested… “Blue? It’s not supposed to be blue…” And Darian00… I may not be a clean-limbed fighting man from Virginia, but I know a banth from a thoat, and I can find Helium with my eyes closed. ---
**Author:** ![Albert\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Albert\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Albert_Rose)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/19 "2001-05-05T18:29:35Z")
“Jack Chick is an a\*\*hole.” ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2001, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385/20 "2001-05-05T18:31:16Z")
“‘God,’ he said, dying on Mars, ‘we made it!’” --Theodore Sturgeon [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/first-words-on-mars/64385.md?page=2)