# Fix Your Life. The Rue DeDay Way! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127 "2001-09-17T11:07:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/1 "2001-09-17T11:07:18Z")
While I was out communing with Nature this weekend, (Nature says “Hi”. She also gave me her phone number and made the “Call me” sign with her pinky and thumb. She was out drinking with Luck and the Fates, Metaphorical Girls’ Night Out, and she was kinda tanked. Father Time and Old Man Winter gave me the Stink Eye, so I didn’t keep her number) I thought I’d try to help people. I figured writing a self-help book would be the way to go. Things aren’t going too great, but this is what I have so far… > [@](#): > > Introduction. Or foreword, or preface or something. > So your life is screwed up? You just woke up one day and realized that? So you hie yourself down to your local bookstore and pick up a book. (Don’t flirt with the girl behind the counter wearing genie pants, she’s busy.) This book you got, it’s written by someone who you’ve never met and has no idea who the heck you are. Right? And you’ve managed to screw yourself up so bad you’re taking advice from some rich shmuck who pounded out a book. All by yourself you’ve gotten into this state and now, with the help of a book, you’re going to straighten everything out? Yeah, good luck with that. > > Chapter the First: Don’t Be a Butt > Really. That’s my advice to you. “Don’t be a butt.” When people are cheesing you off and you just want to slap the ever-living crap from them, don’t. They are people too. Maybe the have a good reason to be the way they are. Maybe they weren’t smart enough to buy this book. You’re a better person that they are. Cut them some slack. > > Chapter the Second: Quit Yer Whining. > I don’t want to hear it. Bitching to me won’t solve anything. If the world sees you as a doormat, either: > A) Get a t-shirt that says “Welcome” (you might get some dates this way too.) > or > 2. Stand up for yourself. > > You have a voice, let’s hear it. Take this book and tap it to your forehead. Not too hard. _Poof_ You’re Empowered. (You know it’s good advice if I’m throwing around New Age-y catchphrases like “Empowered”. It’s even capitalized, so you know I mean it.) Stand up and say: “Don’t be a butt. I’m not going to take it anymore!” Then slap them upside their head with this big-assed Self-Help Book. They have to be good for something. > > Chapter the Third: Yes, Virginia, It Is Your Fault. > “Waaaa! The mean girl took my favorite truck away from me on the playground when I was three! That’s where my problems all come from.” Nope, sorry, but thanks for playing. You have problems because you cause your problems. I’m so sorry to hear about your truck, but jeez, let it go. Get over it and get on with your life. Live in the present and quit your whining. Did you see how each chapter referred back to the previous one? That’s some big-time technique used by real literature types. I’m sure. Anyway, things look pretty short. It just doesn’t scream _The New York Times_ Best Seller List. It doesn’t even say, in a conversational tone, _The East Lansing Courier_ List of Pretty OK Books That Maybe You Should Read If You Have Some Time On Your Hands. So, I’m thinking I’ll pad it. Just a squintch. I’ll put in my **Rue DeDay Sure-Fire Way to Lose Weight** … > [@](#): > > Introduction. (All good books have an “Introduction”, especially if you get paid by the word.) > So you want to lose weight? Good for you. Here you go… > > Chapter Uno: The Plan > > 1. Eat less. > 2. Do more. > 3. Repeat. > > Chapter Deux: Drugs? > If you think you need drugs to help you lose weight, don’t bother with that over the counter stuff. They’re in the business of making money. If you actually lost your weight, you’d stop taking their pills. They don’t want that to happen. And they’re either dressed up caffeine, which makes you jittery, or they’re that stuff _60 Minutes_ says makes you crazy. Like you really need that grief. > > If you want to go the drug route, I’d suggest heroin. Or crack. You hardly ever see a junkie or a crack-whore who’s chunky. Just use your heads, people. Still pretty short. Maybe the **Rue DeDay Relationship Building Thingy**. > [@](#): > > Men aren’t from one place and Women aren’t from another. That would be stupid. How would they meet if there was a transportation strike or something? I mean, really. Men and women want essentially the same things. Nachos. Women would like a nice blouse and pants that make their butts look smaller, but it’s still going to be nacho color, to hide the stains. > > Sometimes, in their search for nachos, men and women will be in about the same place at approximately the same time. This is Fate. Followed by True Love. If they’re both lucky there might be some Sex. Sex and nachos, who could ask for anything more? > > So you want more? Cold beer to go with your sex and nachos? Picky bastard, ain’tcha? Talking and cuddling after sex? Bitch, bitch, bitch. You got sex and nachos, count yourself lucky. That’s all I got. It’s still too short to be a book. Maybe I could photocopy it at Kinkos and sell the sheets for $2.00. Whadda ya think? Or I could have my own radio call-in show. I couldn’t be worse that some of the yobs out there. -Rue. ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/2 "2001-09-17T11:08:33Z")
I like it. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 11:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/3 "2001-09-17T11:24:19Z")
Ya know, **Rue** , I started your Rah Rah Fan Club and all, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way - I mean, I do have dirty dreams about you but that’s another thread entirely - maybe being a guru isn’t your forte’… but really - _NACHOS??_ Get a grip man!! ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 11:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/4 "2001-09-17T11:43:37Z")
**Snickers** , sweetheart, baby, it’s just a metaphore. Really. If it makes you feel better, in FairyChatLand it can be those little ice cream balls covered in chocolate so you can pick them up with you fingers and not get all gooey. (“Nachos” is quicker to type. Even with cut-and-paste.) If your _really_ want to feel better, e-mail me with those “another thread entirely” ideas. I’ll throw together a **Rue DeDay Sensual Massage and Scented Body Oils Gift Pack** and show up right at your very own door. How would that be? Where did you say you lived again? -Rue. ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/5 "2001-09-17T11:51:11Z")
…and it’s not “forté”, it’s “forte”. It’s French not Italian. “Forte” is French for “strength” pronouced “fort”. “Forte” is Italian for “loud” and is pronounced “for-tay”. And before anyone says it… > [@](#): > > usage In forte we have a word derived from French that in its “strong point” sense has no entirely satisfactory pronunciation. Usage writers have denigrated 'for-"tA\ and 'for-tE\ because they reflect the influence of the Italian-derived 2forte. Their recommended pronunciation 'fort, however, does not exactly reflect French either: the French would write the word le fort and would rhyme it with English for. So you can take your choice, knowing that someone somewhere will dislike whichever variant you choose. All are standard, however. In British English 'fo-"tA\ and 'fot\ predominate; 'for-"tA\ and \for-'tA\ are probably the most frequent pronunciations in American English. ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/6 "2001-09-17T11:53:05Z")
I was kidding with the whole “Language and Usage” lesson. Just so you know. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/7 "2001-09-17T12:04:02Z")
**Rue DeDay, Language Guy**?? Sorry, wrong answer, but thanks for playing… 😛 ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/8 "2001-09-17T13:47:25Z")
Mornin’ **Rue** , tell Nature I say “Hi” back. In no particular order, I have to go with **FCM** on the Language Guy thing. But I liked the self help tome, at least it was a decent start. I would look for something a little more common ground than Nachos, but can’t think of what that might be off the top of my head. Also, maybe take all three different sections and find creative ways to tie them together. I am not creative or I would do it for you. Unless this is all just a code way for you and FCMom to have cyber sex together, if so please excuse my intrustion. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/9 "2001-09-17T14:18:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ShibbOleth \* > \*\*Unless this is all just a code way for you and FCMom to have cyber sex together, if so please excuse my intrustion. \*\* I beg your pardon? We all _KNOW_ that Moms don’t have sex, cyber or otherwise! That would upset the natural balance of the universe. Now go wash your mouth out with soap and sit in that corner and think about what you just said. And you can forget about going out this weekend - you’re grounded!! Cyber sex indeed… ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/10 "2001-09-17T14:31:34Z")
Well, **Spider Woman** likes it. And that’s good enough for me. All the problems of a person’s life solved in one handy guide… Hmmm… so, **Shibb** , you think there’s really a market for that? Wouldn’t there be a better profit margin keeping each area separate? Not that I’m doing this for the _money_. No, no, no, that would be crass. I’m just thinking I could _sell_ the books and use the funds to finance my many other charitable organizations. And cyber-sex with **Snickers** … again, hmmm… how would that work exactly? Something like [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=20722)? (The Fates can be too cruel sometimes.) Did you know **Snickers** is married? And she used to be in the Navy? If I (nacho)cheesed her off she, or her husband, could probably call on some of their Navy friends and park a destroyer on my chest. (She’s also an [engineer](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=63301). Along with a destroyer, there could be a train on me.) (I remember this because in one of my early posts I _very lightly_ mocked Chief Scott. Then I had much remorse (see upcoming “Popeye” scenario) and said “maybe I should pick on FairyChatMom instead”. Then I find out she was in the Navy too. D’oh!) That’s why I stay away from beaches. You never know when someone might go all Popeye. Eat a can of spinach, your muscles get real big, there’s a humorous yet descriptive animated skit on your chest, and then you flatten someone. Nope, don’t want that to happen to me. That’s why I stay away from sailors. (Or ex-sailors. You never can be too carefull.) And I’m just glad no Dopers need advice from me on their lives. That would take up all my free time, and my JaiLai game is already suffering. -Rue. P.S. While I was “Previewing” **Snickers** let **Shibb** have it on the cyber-sex front. So forget anything I had to say about it. ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/11 "2001-09-17T14:57:21Z")
If I may add a few things? **Chapter 6: People Who Wear Sweatpants In Public Have Just Given Up On Life.** Statistics show that most people who buy self-help books wear sweatpants to the bookstore. You’ve got to stop that, people. Now by sweatpants, I don’t mean those ultra cute track pants with the flare and stripe down the side, or those “yoga pants” you picked up from Victoria’s Secret - I mean those stained fleecy grey heather sweatpants with elastic at the ankles. By wearing these pants out of the house, you are saying “World, I’ll never fit into leather pants and I’ve just accepted that like the sheep that I am.” You are saying “Please don’t ask me for a date. I don’t like attention from others.” Oh, “but sweatpants are comfortable”, you whine. Yeah, so are a pair of soft faded jeans worn with tennies or sexy boots. Or a pair of soft black pants that make your hips look small. Sweatpants are of course acceptable under limited circumstances: working out in a gym, working out outside a gym, working out at home, and lounging around at home during cold winters when you know you aren’t going to be seeing anyone. Now go change. Tune later to **Chapter 8: Why All Your Friends Are Annoyed with Your People-Pleasing, Approval-Seeking Behavior** and **Chapter 9: Don’t Tell Every Private Detail Of Your Romantic Relationships to Your Friends** ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/12 "2001-09-17T15:15:39Z")
Hmm. Needs padding. How about a chapter 4 - Eat Your Greens? You could use that to tie the weight-loss program to the self-help method. Maybe a subheading “Stay Regular” would be in order. pan ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/13 "2001-09-17T16:06:33Z")
You’re right **Rue** , the bookstore girl IS busy. Could you maybe give me some advice on how to effectively manage my workspace? Puddin’ ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/14 "2001-09-17T18:31:20Z")
**magdalene** , and **kabbes** , thanks for the help. I’ll take your suggestions under advisement. One point of clarification. **kabbes** , is it any greens or something particular? M&M’s, Jolly Ranchers, and Chuckles all have a green option. Would these count? OK, two points… “Stay Regular” What if you’re a “petite”, or “long”? Then what do you do? And since my JaiLai practice isn’t for a bit, **Puddin’** , I’m going out on a limb here, but your workspace would be mostly… books? I’d try shelves. Large stacks of books on the floor _are_ esthetically pleasing, but shelves are more convenient. And you can use the shelves as lanes for after-hours cart racing. (You do get those wheelie-carts to help you move the books around, right?) -Rue. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/15 "2001-09-17T20:54:23Z")
Trust me on this one, you just want to sell a lot of copies of one book, then you cash in on the option for the film rights and other product tie-ins. Make sure you keep merchandising control of the characters, there’s gold in them thar hills. Now I see Bruce Willis playing me in the film version… ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/16 "2001-09-17T21:36:47Z")
**Rue** , I like it. I’d pay $2.00 for a copy. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by FairyChatMom \* > **I beg your pardon? We all _KNOW_ that Moms don’t have sex, cyber or otherwise!** Maybe that’s the problem. If I’m not a Mommy anymore, can I get laid? :d&r: ---
**Author:** ![bernse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a9a28c/32.png) [@bernse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bernse)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/17 "2001-09-17T21:51:52Z")
Heh. I’d say the opposite, **fairychatmom** 😉 I remember in my early teen-age years we’d see the odd young single mothers in their late teen-ish/early 20ish years walking with a baby stroller. We’d just say to each other that “yeah, you know _they_ put out”. ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/18 "2001-09-17T22:35:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ShibbOleth \* > \*\*Now I see Bruce Willis playing me in the film version… \*\* Do you see yourself more as the _Death Becomes Her_ Bruce, or the _Hudson Hawk_ one? Although since **Ginger** showed up, the “Action Figures” should sell pretty good. Especially in the “Males 14-28” demographic. Even if she doesn’t get Kung-Fu Grip™. -Rue. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/19 "2001-09-17T22:56:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rue DeDay \* > > Do you see yourself more as the _Death Becomes Her_ Bruce, or the _Hudson Hawk_ one? No, sort of a mix between _Moonlighting, Twelve Monkeys, Unbreakable_ and _Color of Night_. Okay, I didn’t like _Color of Night_ but the costar was kind of hot, in a way which I would never, ever, dare to imagine **FairyChatMom**. Ever. Really. > [@](#): > > Although since **Ginger** showed up, the “Action Figures” should sell pretty good. Especially in the “Males 14-28” demographic. Even if she doesn’t get Kung-Fu Grip™. > -Rue. I can just hear the cash registers tinkling merrily in the distance… ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2001, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127/20 "2001-09-18T00:26:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bernse \* > \*\*Heh. I’d say the opposite, **fairychatmom** 😉 > > I remember in my early teen-age years we’d see the odd young single mothers in their late teen-ish/early 20ish years walking with a baby stroller. We’d just say to each other that “yeah, you know _they_ put out”. \*\* _Odd_ single young mothers? How narrow-minded of you to make such judgements!! I am aghast!! \ Just out of curiosity, what did you say about 40-somethings standing forlornly in driveways as their teenager daughter drives off in the family car? Did sex ever occur to you then? I mean with the mom, not the teenage daughters… No, wait, don’t answer that. I have enough stress with the girl driving… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ShibbOleth \* > **… the costar was kind of hot, in a way which I would never, ever, dare to imagine FairyChatMom. Ever. Really** Well, actually, I am kinda hot. I just got back from walking the dogs and it is still a bit warm out… so go ahead - imagine me hot! 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fix-your-life-the-rue-deday-way/82127.md?page=2)