# Fly TV, or Oh! the Humanity! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 8, 2000, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934 "2000-07-08T04:54:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2000, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/1 "2000-07-08T04:54:44Z")
This is one of those helpful little around-the-house posts that belongs on MPSIMS, except the theme could cause some PETA-type to get a raging case of the whim-whams, so I’m posting it here, where people understand torture and grisly, untimely death. The wet, warm Spring in the Chicago area was supposed to result in record numbers of mosquitos. This may be true outside of my yard, but I have few mosquitos. Their niche, as annoying biting insects, has been filled by ferocious flies by the dozens. We clean up after the dogs a couple of times a day and the garbage service has given everybody new cans that seal well. I’m fairly sure there isn’t a portal to Hell nearby, but one can never be too sure. I don’t know where they are all coming from; I’m blaming the neighbors. The flies keep coming. Green bottle flies, common house flies, even little, tiny, black flies I’ve never seen before. I have gotten sick of them and their filthy ways and am striking back: I bought a fly trap. This is a plastic bag with a conical opening on top. It comes with “attractant,” which looks like a pale turd. You fill the bag halfway with water, the turd crumbles, the whole thing starts to ferment. It doesn’t smell that bad to humans, but you should keep it ventilated some. Flies crawl in looking for a tasty meal, but cannot figure out how to get out. They fly around, licking condensation and looking for an exit, and never realize that they’d be out in a jiffy _if they’d just go out the way they came in._ Eventually, they tire and fall into the water. Here’s the best part: one of the most effective fly baits is **dead flies**! The little bastards just keep rebaiting the trap! And you are not killing them; they are killing themselves with their stupidity. You only provide the means. Trapping flies is full of high drama and life-or-death struggle, as you watch a fly crawl around the entrance, tentatively starting down the cone, only to chicken out and crawl out. “It looks fishy,” the fly says, “but it smells delicious. And look–all of my friends are in there!” Eventually, they succumb to temptation and crawl the rest of the way. The bag is clear, so you can watch as the flies blunder around inside. If you bump the bag the live flies start buzzing in annoyance, as if you’re interrupting their party, which adds an audio to the visuals. But by nightfall all is quiet. When the bag is full you close it up and drop it in the garbage. Not all flies are dumb enough for traps, or I’m just impatient, so I bought a flyswatter. They just love the top of the garbage can, especially since it now looks, and probably smells, like a windshield after a trip through Iowa. It is especially rewarding when I nail a couple screwing. Divine retribution right out of a televangelist’s wildest sermon or Son of Sam’s boyhood. My cleanup crew, the ants, now worship me as their god, since the flies I swat land at the ants’ feet like manna. Protein gets recycled and the circle of life goes around. I am not really sadistic. Flies are filthy vermin that spread disease. Killing a pair mating prevents new generations of flies, followed by more generations until there are more flies than the number of atoms in the known universe. Therefore, I am performing a public service. And they bite me, so they deserve to die. ---
**Author:** ![fnord1966](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2000, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/2 "2000-07-08T05:01:49Z")
Fuck PETA. Wait, fuck all tree hugging vegan animal rights preaching but I wear leather shitheads. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2000, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/3 "2000-07-08T05:38:46Z")
Well. except for the contribution of our resident Illuminatus, this really strikes me as more of a MPSIMS topic. Good imagery, though. ---
**Author:** ![Commander\_Fortune](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Commander\_Fortune](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commander_Fortune)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2000, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/4 "2000-07-08T08:05:09Z")
> [@](#): > > My cleanup crew, the ants, now worship me as their god, since the flies I swat land at the ants’ feet like manna. Just be real careful if they make a big sand sculpture of you, though. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2000, 9:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/5 "2000-07-08T09:56:30Z")
It’s good to see some people getting true joy out of the mundane things in life. Well done. ---
**Author:** ![fippo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/2bfe46/32.png) [@fippo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fippo)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2000, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/6 "2000-07-08T21:14:16Z")
Don’t you see what you’re doing? You said yourself that not all the flies are stupid enough for the trap. Therefore, you’re just weeding out the moronic flies to create a race of _ahem_ super-flies! Beware! ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2000, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/7 "2000-07-09T01:17:54Z")
The flyswatter takes care of the smarter ones. It’s the **smartest** ones that have me worried. And **fippo** , are you suggesting there might be a modicum of truth in Darwinian evolution? That’s the first step down the slippery slope to dancing and card playing! ---
**Author:** ![tbea925](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dc4da7/32.png) [@tbea925](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tbea925)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2000, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/8 "2000-07-09T01:29:13Z")
Personally, I plan to picket the front of your house, passing out little plastic trash cans with bloody flyswatter-wielding Dropzone figures inside. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2000, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/9 "2000-07-09T05:07:52Z")
Do the Dropzone inaction figures get carried away by ants? ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/10 "2000-07-13T19:43:23Z")
The super flies are the ones that scare me… they will sit there all peaceful until I grab the fly swatter and then they are no-where to be found. ---
**Author:** ![pldennison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc29f/32.png) [@pldennison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pldennison)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/11 "2000-07-13T20:45:40Z")
> [@](#): > > The super flies are the ones that scare me It’s not so much them by themselves, but the _wardrobe_. Oh, and as a member of PETA and a committed vegetarian, all I can say is: Insects are not a member of kingdom _Animalia_. Kill 'em all. Especially the stingy ones. Oh, and fnord? Bite my crank, you monkey-fucking, horse-fellating, dog-fisting pile of bear semen. ---
**Author:** ![Necros](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/necros/32/11086_2.png) [@Necros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Necros)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/12 "2000-07-13T22:20:51Z")
**dropzone** said: > [@](#): > > When the bag is full you close it up and drop it in the garbage. This is just about the most unpleasant image I’ve had offered to me all day. A big bag filled to the brim with dead flies? Ugh. ---
**Author:** ![robinh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b77776/32.png) [@robinh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robinh)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/13 "2000-07-13T23:27:22Z")
Ooh, ooh, may I share a bug-killing story? Each spring I have to spend a couple days on a search and destroy mission for squash beetles. They come in two waves, the first on my potatoes (where they don’t actually do much harm) and the second on the squash and cucumbers, where their larva burrow into the vines and kill my plants. The more I kill the first time around, the better, so I quash my usual bug phobia and go after them. They’re a pretty good sized beetle, so they crunch when you squish them, which I find very unpleasant. I had an idea to drop them (they always come in pairs this time of year) into a bucket of water and drown them instead. So I’m going merrily along, tapping them into the bucket, when I realize that, not only are they not drowning, they are making this weird chirping/sqeaking noise. And they’re crawling all over each other, madly trying to procreate. So by the time I’m finished I have this clusterfuck of some 40-50 horny, noisy little beetles all squirming around in there. This was not an improvement on the squish-them-one-at-a-time-with-a-maple-leaf method I had used previously. I crushed them against the side of the pail with a sand shovel. Some of them had to be squished 2 or 3 times before they would die. Then I went out the next night and did it again. ---
**Author:** ![ATTGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc348/32.png) [@ATTGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ATTGuy)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2000, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fly-tv-or-oh-the-humanity/24934/14 "2000-07-13T23:35:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dropzone \* > **The flyswatter takes care of the smarter ones. It’s the smartest ones that have me worried.** It’s not the flies that make me sweat, its those _damn dirty apes_… Oh wait, did I type that out loud?