# Food Fight! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 19, 2002, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764 "2002-07-19T05:45:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/41 "2002-07-22T03:35:32Z")
_peels the jellyfish from his head and drops it on the floor. one of the tentacles had stuck to his cheek, causing it to bleed. he reaches up and wipes the blood from his cheek, then tastes it. his eyes narrow and his face takes on a look of grim determination. he drops the Mini-Meatballer[sup]TM[/sup] and reaches over his shoulder to unsheathe a Yard-o-Beef. He advances on **Horseflesh** _ [Bruce Lee sneer] Prepare to meet your doom, Fighter With Seafood! ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/42 "2002-07-22T04:03:43Z")
Ah, barbarian fighting, is it? _Tucks nunchuckas into jockstrap and picks up a Large Leg O’ Lamb. Bites into leg and tears off huge chunk of meat and spits it onto the floor now covered with slowly melting boobie-shaped chocolates and sickening puddles of clam chowder_ _Hefts leg from hand to hand, then twirls it from side to side_ Let’s dance, **Beef Boy**! _Time slows down as the combatants approach each other, meat clubs at the ready. Drops from the chowder shower hang magically in the air and an eerie silence descends…_ ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/43 "2002-07-22T04:52:09Z")
_The Yard-o-Beef moves in a slow, hypnotic pattern as he circles to the left. The silence is shattered as he suddenly leaps over **Horseflesh** , swinging his deadly sausage at his opponent’s head._ AAAIIYYY-YAAAHHH! _He slowly drifts to the ground, turning to keep his opponent in view and observing the results of his initial feint._ ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/44 "2002-07-22T07:01:01Z")
_Slightly dazed from a glancing blow of **LurkMeister** ’s [obviously FDA Grade C-] beef maul, **Hf** whirls around to face his worthy (but ultimately doomed) opponent. He pauses to spread some Gray Poupon on a few choice areas of his own deadly Lamb-inator._ Hey! You got beef products on my lamb meat! Mmmmm, gyros… _Leaps an incredible distance into the air, all the recent viewing of flying martial arts masters on film finally coming to fruition. Pausing above **LM** ’s head, he sniggers satisfactorily:_ Pardon me, sir, but do you have any… \ ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/45 "2002-07-22T12:38:44Z")
_The force of the blow snaps **LurkMeister** ’s head to the side and only a quick drop-and-roll saves him from further attack. Shaking Grey Poupon from his eyes, he realizes he has underestimated his opponent…a mistake he won’t make again._ You fight well, **Dances With Lamb** , but your puny efforts to subvert this noble contest with the use of mustard products will avail you naught. \ Let us take this fight to a higher level. _He leaps high into the air, hovering among the floating chowder and swinging his beef log in a series of complex moves about his head and shoulders as he waits for his opponent to join him_ ---
**Author:** ![ems](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cdc98d/32.png) [@ems](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ems)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/46 "2002-07-22T13:22:23Z")
Oooooooohhh I wanna join in lessee what do I have in my fridge that has been there for the two weeks I have been gone hmmmmmmmm … _catches cream pie in the back of the head_ Right who did that! Thats it out comes the off milk (with lumps uhuh!) and the bananas that have gone past being black to mouldy oooo what an interesting “milkshake” _loads of Super-Soaker and fires at anyone in range_ Bwahahahahahaha…take that & that & that… ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/47 "2002-07-22T16:47:13Z")
_Having slipped and fallen ungracefully to the floor due to the now thoroughly mixed slimy foodstuffs, he leaps to his feet and spys the **Beef JerkyMeister** hovering defiantly amidst the ceiling beams._ Ha! Your rump roast antics are laughable in the face of the **Horses of Evil™**. I too have mastered the ancient art of Holding-Your-Gas-Until-You-Can-Fly-Like-Tinkerbell. Prepare to be Silenced by the Lamb, knave! \ _Pointing at a chandelier, he rises to hover at its level. He deftly gives a roundhouse kick to an errant punch bowl that has somehow become lodged into its crystal ornaments._ Hey, Kool-Aid!! _ **B JM** is splashed with its refreshing cherry-flavored contents. **Horseflesh** ’s chocolate warpaint mixes with sweat and begins to run down his cheek._ ::Music swells:: ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/48 "2002-07-22T18:00:36Z")
_Sheathing his mighty Yard-o-Beef, he reaches into the pouch at his belt and extracts a handful of SlimJims, which he proceeds to hurl in rapid succession at the hovering **Horseflesh**. One of them severs the chandelier wire, sending it crashing to the ground, where it narrowly misses **ems**. Another lodges in his opponent’s left shoulder_ Aha! Prepare to meet _thy_ doom, **Lamb Boy**! _Simultaneously unsheathing the Sausage of Death and extracting another handful of SlimJims he swoops toward **Horseflesh** , a maniacal grin distorting his features (which were pretty gruesome to begin with)._ ::Music swells even louder:: ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/49 "2002-07-22T22:50:14Z")
[Hijack #1] I’d have to say that you guys are making it a pretty interesting sideshow, but for a minor detail… just what is the music playing here? I could get my brother in here to recommend some suitably dramatic pieces, as I don’t know of any offhand. However, they’d have to include dramatic violin crescendos and swells in the music, plus equally dramatic pauses. [/Hijack #1] [Hijack #2] No problem about the birthday greetings, **tritone**! In fact, I’d let you have some of this birthday cake, but it’s really old now. What do you say we just use it as an ingredient in the food fight? 😃 [/Hijack #2] Okay, now on to the business at hand. **Horseflesh** , may I present you with this package filled with cooked food? No skidding, that’s what it said when I bought it at the Chinese market: “Cooked Food.” And here’s something else I bought at the market today… **Pork intestines, pork uteri, ginseng, various innards, eels, tripe, and stinky tofu coming your way!** F\_X ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/50 "2002-07-22T22:50:14Z")
[Hijack #1] I’d have to say that you guys are making it a pretty interesting sideshow, but for a minor detail… just what is the music playing here? I could get my brother in here to recommend some suitably dramatic pieces, as I don’t know of any offhand. However, they’d have to include dramatic violin crescendos and swells in the music, plus equally dramatic pauses. [/Hijack #1] [Hijack #2] No problem about the birthday greetings, **tritone**! In fact, I’d let you have some of this birthday cake, but it’s really old now. What do you say we just use it as an ingredient in the food fight? 😃 [/Hijack #2] Okay, now on to the business at hand. **Horseflesh** , may I present you with this package filled with cooked food? No skidding, that’s what it said when I bought it at the Chinese market: “Cooked Food.” And here’s something else I bought at the market today… **Pork intestines, pork uteri, ginseng, various innards, eels, tripe, and stinky tofu coming your way!** F\_X ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/51 "2002-07-22T22:51:06Z")
[Hijack #1] I’d have to say that you guys are making it a pretty interesting sideshow, but for a minor detail… just what is the music playing here? I could get my brother in here to recommend some suitably dramatic pieces, as I don’t know of any offhand. However, they’d have to include dramatic violin crescendos and swells in the music, plus equally dramatic pauses. [/Hijack #1] [Hijack #2] No problem about the birthday greetings, **tritone**! In fact, I’d let you have some of this birthday cake, but it’s really old now. What do you say we just use it as an ingredient in the food fight? 😃 [/Hijack #2] Okay, now on to the business at hand. **Horseflesh** , may I present you with this package filled with cooked food? No kidding, that’s what it said when I bought it at the Chinese market: “Cooked Food.” And here’s something else I bought at the market today… **Pork intestines, pork uteri, ginseng, various innards, eels, tripe, and stinky tofu coming your way!** F\_X ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/52 "2002-07-22T22:58:00Z")
[Hijack #1] I’d have to say that you guys are making it a pretty interesting sideshow, but for a minor detail… just what is the music playing here? I could get my brother in here to recommend some suitably dramatic pieces, as I don’t know of any offhand. However, they’d have to include dramatic violin crescendos and swells in the music, plus equally dramatic pauses. [/Hijack #1] [Hijack #2] No problem about the birthday greetings, **tritone**! In fact, I’d let you have some of this birthday cake, but it’s really old now. What do you say we just use it as an ingredient in the food fight? 😃 [/Hijack #2] Okay, now on to the business at hand. **Horseflesh** , may I present you with this package filled with cooked food? No kidding, that’s what it said when I bought it at the Chinese market: “Cooked Food.” And here’s something else I bought at the market today… **Pork intestines, pork uteri, ginseng, various innards, eels, tripe, and stinky tofu coming your way!** F\_X ---
**Author:** ![Doubting\_Robert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e495f1/32.png) [@Doubting\_Robert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doubting_Robert)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/53 "2002-07-22T23:22:03Z")
Oh, neat, a quadruple post! Must be what happens when you get clam chowder in your keyboard! (Opens umbrella and runs from the room.) ---
**Author:** ![ResIpsaLoquitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@ResIpsaLoquitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ResIpsaLoquitor)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/54 "2002-07-23T00:28:53Z")
**Flami** , how about the 1812 Overture? ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/55 "2002-07-23T00:39:45Z")
_Looking at the still quivering projectile embedded in his shoulder, **Lambflesh** snaps into a SlimJim._ Ooooh, you’ve been a baa-aaa-aad boy, **L** of **M**. It’s Barbeque Time! _To **Flamsterette\_X** _ Why thank ye, milady. I will take all four portions of your offerings. I think this pork uteri would look mighty nifty on **Lurk** ’s head. Keep the tofu though, I have a feeling that you’ll be needing it to deal with **Doubting Robert**. As for the music, well, I was envisioning _Conan the Barbarian_ or maybe _Samurai Jack_ with faint strains of Weird Al’s “Eat It” in the background but I’m open to suggestions. What about it, **He Who Plays With His Sausage Too Much**? _Unraveling the intestines and tying on various cutlery as weights, he hurls them at the maddening **Jimmy Dean Wannabe**._ Avast ye squab! Here comes the “other” white meat!! ::Violins hold a single tremulous note while the pork missles are in flight:: ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/56 "2002-07-23T02:21:18Z")
::As the assorted pig parts near their intended target, the violins break into a frenzied _pizzicato_:: _After releasing another hail of SlimJims at the **Sacrificial Lamb** , the **Samurai of Sausage** twists about, in perfect time to the music, dodging some of the missiles and using his oversized meat stick to redirect the flight of others. One leg becomes entangled in a piece of intestine, temporarily interfering with the smooth flow of his motion_ So, you think to defeat me with empty sausage casings and offal, **Dogfood Wannabe**? _He untangles the makeshift bolo from his leg and hurls it back at his opponent._ Better men than you have tried…to their short-lived regret. ::At his gesture, the music cuts off. After a brief pause, the opening organ chords of Bach’s _Toccata and Fugue in D Minor_ fill the room:: ---
**Author:** ![leechbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@leechbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leechbabe)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/57 "2002-07-23T02:22:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ResIpsaLoquitor \* > \*\*Somebody get **leechbabe** in here. I got a pile of boobie-shaped chocolates to launch in her direction… \*\* Whoa here I am just getting off the plane and this pile of boobie shaped chocolates come flying my way. How do I explain this to the other passengers? Grabs bag of cheerio’s and starts hurling them across the room -----------------------------0 0 0 0 00 0 00 0 ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/58 "2002-07-23T04:27:01Z")
Why would I want to listen to someone who got a _D Minus_ on their music assignment? Two can play that game. _Hits jukebox with elbow, needle scratches the Bach record, then the first rousing violin notes of Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries begin to play._ _Picks up Super Chocolate Soaker and hoses down all female participants for good measure (oh no, not again!), then turns his full attention to the **Mad Cow Masher**._ So you wanna play Hide the Sausage, eh? I’ll baste you in your own juices, **Lurch**. _In an instant he is on his beefy opponent, the leg of lamb but a blur as it tries to connect to the **Filet Mignon Fiend**._ I’ve always thought red wine goes better with a meat dish _and splashes a full goblet of merlot into his face. Taking advantage of the distraction he swings the leg hard into his chest, sending him up and back 50 feet into the air._ **Gooooooaaaaaaal!!!** I do believe I need a hamburger. _Tosses a bottle of Extra Spicy Mrs. Dash up and catches it. Heads to the crumpled form of the defeated **Oscar Meyer Weinie** only to discover too late that he is no longer there…_ ---
**Author:** ![ResIpsaLoquitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@ResIpsaLoquitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ResIpsaLoquitor)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/59 "2002-07-23T04:44:28Z")
Of course…how could I forget to whip out… my **spud gun**? BOOM! Take that, ya lousy pinkos! Come on, men, who wants to die a hero? ---
**Author:** ![leechbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@leechbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leechbabe)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764/60 "2002-07-23T05:25:30Z")
distracted by all the chocolate around her leechbabe sits down on the tarmac to lick the nipple off each and every chocolate boobie 😛 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/food-fight/119764.md?page=4)