# For all of you who still can't find your ass with both hands **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 24, 2002, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381 "2002-04-24T16:26:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/1 "2002-04-24T16:26:19Z")
It’s behind you. Just lettin’ ya know. If you need to get a pen and paper and write that down, that’s okay. Take your time. This thread will wait until you get back. Okay, ready? Put your hands on your thighs, and then – remember to keep your hands in contact with your legs at all times – slide them around to the backs of your legs. (You may want to do this standing up. Don’t lose your balance.) Then slowly, SLOWLY, move your hands up the backs of your legs to your ass. You may have a wallet or some change in a pocket back there – good, that’s good. Get your hands on your ass. Think you got it? You might have gone too high. Try looking over your shoulder into a full-length mirror, or get a buddy to spot for you. If you still can’t do it, have your buddy take your hands and place them on your ass for you. Okay, there you go. You’ve found your ass, and it only took two hands, written directions, a mirror, and a spotter. If you need more help, just let me know. I’m here for you. ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/2 "2002-04-24T16:31:43Z")
Are you _sure_ that’s my ass? It looks more like a hole in the ground to me. (That was pretty funny **lno** ) ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_Wright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Steve\_Wright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_Wright)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/3 "2002-04-24T16:34:23Z")
I’m confused now. My ass is above my thighs? I thought it was, well, about half way along my arm. ---
**Author:** ![Why\_A\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Why\_A\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_A_Duck)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/4 "2002-04-24T16:37:10Z")
Hmmm. Apparently my ass is named Levi. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/5 "2002-04-24T16:44:05Z")
This was relatively easy. I can’t wait for LNO’s Anatomy Chapter 2 – The G-Spot. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/6 "2002-04-24T16:56:19Z")
:hands LNO a flashlight: Thanks now that I know where my ass is I can concentrate on trying to figure out what the hell you call these things on my arms. I’ve got em on both arms, located about halfway between the place where my sleeve starts and the place where my bracelet or watch goes. There seems to a sort of hinge located underneath the skin. My arms bends right there and that comes in real handy for picking my nose and stuff and now if I could only figure out what to call that area I would be really happy. Do you think you could help me with this? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![EVO95](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/df705f/32.png) [@EVO95](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EVO95)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/7 "2002-04-24T16:56:19Z")
Damn…now I’ve got shinola on my hands…wait a minute…:eek: ---
**Author:** ![Pucette](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/278dde/32.png) [@Pucette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pucette)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/8 "2002-04-24T20:58:09Z")
Ok, so now both of my hands are on my ass. What now? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/9 "2002-04-24T21:29:43Z")
Now I cannot shake Tenacious D from my head. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![PhiloVance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e19adc/32.png) [@PhiloVance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PhiloVance)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/10 "2002-04-24T21:42:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Pucette \* > \*\*Ok, so now both of my hands are on my ass. What now? \*\* 🆒 How did you type the above? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Kamandi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5daacb/32.png) [@Kamandi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamandi)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/11 "2002-04-24T22:35:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Pucette \* > \*\*Ok, so now both of my hands are on my ass. What now? \*\* Push down real hard and your head should pop right out! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/12 "2002-04-24T22:36:19Z")
I followed your directions, and I have one question: WHERE THE HELL DID MY HANDS GO? ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/13 "2002-04-24T22:38:39Z")
[8 year old Timmy] Daddy, what’s an ass? [8 year old Timmy] ---
**Author:** ![Newton\_meter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/57b2e6/32.png) [@Newton\_meter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Newton_meter)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/14 "2002-04-24T22:49:55Z")
Priceless, **lno**. I can already see that this thread will get linked to a lot in GD. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/15 "2002-04-24T23:08:28Z")
Hey, LNO, I happen to have a boot full of piss. Could you maybe give me some recommendations on how to empty it out? (Somebody told me instructions were written on the heel, but I haven’t been able to figure out how to read them yet.) ---
**Author:** ![dave316](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@dave316](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dave316)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2002, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/16 "2002-04-25T02:13:45Z")
i see INO has written the first chapter on his new book “Hookey Pookey for Dummies” ---
**Author:** ![hobgnoblin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hobgnoblin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hobgnoblin)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2002, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/17 "2002-04-25T04:49:05Z")
This is great! Now I can wind my watch! Thanks **lno**! Hob (heretofore confused as to whether he should scratch his watch or wind his ass) ---
**Author:** ![comradegonzo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/47e85d/32.png) [@comradegonzo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/comradegonzo)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2002, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/18 "2002-04-25T22:51:13Z")
“Hmm, what’s this big, round thing coming towards me? … I wonder if it will be friends with me…” Please pardon the likely misquoting 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2002, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/19 "2002-04-26T00:41:58Z")
So that’s where the cat went. Thanks, **lno** ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2002, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381/20 "2002-04-26T01:02:42Z")
And in part two, finding someone else’s ass with both hands… OW! Why are you hitting me? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-all-of-you-who-still-cant-find-your-ass-with-both-hands/105381.md?page=2)