# For no good reason, I"m doing three minutes of open mic stand up in about a month **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 7, 2017, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761 "2017-12-07T04:20:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/1 "2017-12-07T04:20:09Z")
A friend of mine has been doing it and it looks fun. I don’t think of myself as a really funny guy, but I tried for the past several weeks to take note of amusing moments and thoughts and see if I could make them into something. Here is what I have at the moment. What do you think? > [@](#): > > I have a PhD in philosophy. That is my first joke. On my wife. > > I’m bisexual. That means I’m attracted to ladies–but only in pairs. > > I prefer being okay to being happy. Because when you are happy, there’s so much you haven’t thought through. > > My wife is a seven and I am a three. I know what you’re thinking. “He must have a huge ‘personality’.” But you’re wrong. It’s my penis. > > People walk up to me on the street and ask, “what’s your favorite sexy time music?” They do! > > My favorite sexy time music is four minutes and thirty three seconds of silence. > > Who here is in an open relationship that they know of? > > I have very paternal instincts. I love children. When I grow up, I hope to have three of them. One for the food stamps. One to run to the store and get daddy his cigarrettes. But first, I will need one very mature eldest child to raise the other two after mommy finally runs off. > > I tend to forget things–little things like switching the laundry, picking my wife up from work. This has caused her some consternation over the years. We’ve had to learn some life lessons about love and forgetfulness. She has learned from me, for example, that my forgetfulness doesn’t make my love any less real. And I have learned from her, that my love is worthless. > > I did bring a series of racially offensive jokes. Which way do you think I should go with those? > > There’s a street corner where several hispanic people often wait just hoping for an honest day’s work. Then the other day I saw a young white millenial hipster standing there with them. What a comment on our society today. Gentrification rears its ugly head again. > > If I could go back in time, I would visit my dad’s house, and I would ask him “don’t you recognize me pa?” and he would say no, because I wouldn’t have been born yet. Then he would shoot me, because I am making love to his wife. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/2 "2017-12-07T04:58:19Z")
Honestly? They’re horrible. Most of them don’t even make sense. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/3 "2017-12-07T05:10:16Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Honestly? They’re horrible. Most of them don’t even make sense. I can see the humor, or at least the potential for humor, in them, but a lot would depend on the delivery. And if it’s intended to be a complete routine, well, in my totally inexpert opinion, it doesn’t flow very well. ---
**Author:** ![Buttercup\_Smith](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/buttercup_smith/32/473_2.png) [@Buttercup\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buttercup_Smith)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/4 "2017-12-07T05:16:31Z")
Especially that last one makes absolutely no sense. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/5 "2017-12-07T05:17:37Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > I can see the humor, or at least the potential for humor, in them, but a lot would depend on the delivery. > > And if it’s intended to be a complete routine, well, in my totally inexpert opinion, it doesn’t flow very well. Definitely a lot will depend on the delivery. As to flow, it should be thought of as a series of disconnected one-liners, if that makes sense. (Each of them is almost completely it’s own thing, though I tried to arrange them with different intended intensities of humor in mind, like a chuckle followed by a big laugh followed by a couple more chuckles etc. Just kind of spitbaling on that.) How will I deliver it? For my first attempt, assuming there are any more after that, it’s going to be almost like a deadpan recitation. I have a lot of public speaking experience though so while the appearance will be of a deadpan recitation, I’ll actually of course be taking into account what’s actually happening, and throwing out winks and nods as appropriate, etc. Hope that makes sense. The proof will be in the doing. The vibe I’m going for I guess is like a Mitch Hedberg and Steven Wright style. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/6 "2017-12-07T05:19:12Z")
> [@Buttercup\_Smith](#): > > Especially that last one makes absolutely no sense. Yeah that one… It’s the one that’s most likely to be just cut out from this set. It’s also why I put it last, last one in the list is most likely to be cut for time. It’s _supposed_ to be just an absurd thing where the audience suddenly realizes this comedian has buried the lede, that he’s having sex with his own mom, and treating this as normal and just a “by the way” kind of thing. ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/7 "2017-12-07T05:22:15Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Definitely a lot will depend on the delivery. … I would suggest being naked and farting peas at the moon as part of your delivery. That’d be a reality show for sure. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/8 "2017-12-07T05:26:32Z")
> [@Morgenstern](#): > > I would suggest being naked and farting peas at the moon as part of your delivery. That’d be a reality show for sure. Seems unwise but I will give it a try! ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/9 "2017-12-07T05:32:24Z")
While yes, they aren’t great at all, they are still MILES ahead of some of the “jokes” I’ve heard at many an open mic night I’ve accidentally been to. You’d be the funniest one there. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/10 "2017-12-07T06:37:50Z")
In all seriousness, don’t give up the day job. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/11 "2017-12-07T06:39:55Z")
Yea, that last one, at first it kind of hung out there in the air. But, I thought about it, like you were there with your supposed Mom, but she’s not your Mom cause you’re not born yet and in walks Dad with a gun, but he’s not your Dad. In other words you are your own Dad, oh…wait, that doesnt work. It’s like this…no that won’t do either. Oh, forget it. NM. It is not funny, at all. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/12 "2017-12-07T06:40:20Z")
> [@](#): > > I tend to forget things–little things like switching the laundry, picking my wife up from work. This has caused her some consternation over the years. We’ve had to learn some life lessons about love and forgetfulness. She has learned from me, for example, that my forgetfulness doesn’t make my love any less real. And I have learned from her, that my love is worthless. Good evening, Earth revellers. Have you ever noticed that in a typical human monogamous heterosexual relationship the male partner frequently acts in ways that differ from the behaviours of his female opposite, causing a verbal tension which often escalates into a long-standing rancor? I mean, what is up with that? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/13 "2017-12-07T06:46:48Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > Good evening, Earth revellers. Have you ever noticed that in a typical human monogamous heterosexual relationship the male partner frequently acts in ways that differ from the behaviours of his female opposite, causing a verbal tension which often escalates into a long-standing rancor? I mean, what is up with that? No, I don’t think your way is as funny. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/14 "2017-12-07T07:17:20Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Yea, that last one, at first it kind of hung out there in the air. But, I thought about it, like you were there with your supposed Mom, but she’s not your Mom cause you’re not born yet and in walks Dad with a gun, but he’s not your Dad. In other words you are your own Dad, oh…wait, that doesnt work. It’s like this…no that won’t do either. Oh, forget it. NM. It is not funny, at all. It worked for Philip J. Fry. He slept with his grandmother and became his own grandfather. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/15 "2017-12-07T12:05:56Z")
So, about your mom… ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/16 "2017-12-07T12:38:15Z")
I thought the Open Relationship gag, and the Gentrification one, were fairly good. ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8dc957/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/17 "2017-12-07T12:52:10Z")
Oddly enough, I did like the last one. Needs a little tighter editing though. Like, “…I’d say, ‘Do you recognize me?’ And he’ll say, ‘You’re the guy screwing my wife! Get the hell outta my bed!’” Also keep the open relationship one. The rest, weeellll, it’s up to you. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/18 "2017-12-07T13:08:56Z")
Who are you? Where do you come from? What makes you say those things? That’s missing from your OP, the audience needs a context to find those lines funny. Jokes aren’t just words, they’re part of a story, told by a character with a background and motive, leading to a conclusion. A comic needs to be a complete character. Otherwise, keep your day job for now. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/19 "2017-12-07T13:18:09Z")
Honestly, they seem a little sterile, but it’s hard to tell without the props. Protip: use a bicycle horn or duck call to cue the audience on when to laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Cardigan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardigan/32/187_2.png) [@Cardigan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardigan)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2017, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/20 "2017-12-07T13:28:52Z")
What do you think is (or will be) your greater strength: developing your own material, or the delivery? I tend to think you’d be further ahead if your monologue were to focus on jokes built around two or three loosely defined ‘themes’ (e.g. relationships, sex, job, family, etc.) as opposed to a series of disjointed one-offs. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761.md?page=2)