# For no good reason, I"m doing three minutes of open mic stand up in about a month **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 7, 2017, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761 "2017-12-07T04:20:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2017, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/81 "2017-12-08T21:29:14Z")
> [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](#): > > I would drop the stuff about worthless love and not getting along with your wife. It’s an entertainment show, so don’t make it seem like the message is, “no, really, I’m miserable!” But then again comedy touches on touchy subjects, so there ya go. That was my favorite among the jokes. I guess humor is relative. **Frylock** if you’re serious about getting into stand-up, Chris Hardwick’s _Nerdist_ podcasts involve interviews with a lot of stand-up comedians (he is himself one,) the life, culture and process. It’s a brutal life, culture, and process, but as a writer, I relate a lot to the grindy, thankless aspects of stand-up comedy. Whatever the outcome, it takes balls to do it at all. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2017, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/82 "2017-12-08T23:29:01Z")
OK, \*\*Frylock \*\*- I’ve come up with a line I would do myself if I had your testicles: “Guy comes up to me and says he ran a half-marathon the other day. Congrats, dude, for accomplishing \<_pause_\> half of something. \<_pause_\> I told him I bowled half a perfect game last week.” As usual, the timing would make or break it. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/83 "2017-12-09T01:33:21Z")
Your shit is funny! I think you’ll kill. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/84 "2017-12-09T01:50:05Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > That was my favorite among the jokes. I guess humor is relative. I like that one too, and changing it to something milder, like “Love doesn’t take out the garbage,” turns it insipid and humorless IMO. The time travel thing is interesting, but neither your nor **k9bfriender’s** take really works for me; **k9bfriender’s** completely doesn’t work IMO. But what if originally it’s something like: > [@](#): > > Do you believe in time travel? I’m not sure myself, but I met a man the other day that claimed to be my son from the future. I didn’t recognize him, but that’s because I don’t have any kids. > > Now, I do have a PhD in Philosophy…that was going to be my first joke…so it got me to wondering, what if he kills me? What if I’m killed by my son who’s not born yet? Hah! Jokes on him! or something. Then at the end, maybe you can reveal that you’d got it all wrong, it wasn’t your son from the future, you were HIS son from HIS future, it was your dad. So you killed him. > [@](#): > > I’m out! I dunno. I’m not convinced it works a lot better, but at least it’d set up the killing-yer-own-dad bit early and tie it back in. ---
**Author:** ![Isosleepy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/isosleepy/32/479_2.png) [@Isosleepy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isosleepy)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2017, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/85 "2017-12-10T05:24:30Z")
The last joke is great if you can get away with another synonym for Fucking. “Boning” for example. Delivery will be key. Don’t do lame puns, like the suggested "buy"sexual. I love the Ok vs happy one, and the open relationship one. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2017, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/86 "2017-12-11T13:41:52Z")
A possible addition/replacement: A woman once said to me, she said, “Surely, an actual vagina…” I pause here for a moment, to give you time to imagine how that sentence may plausibly continue. She said “Surely, an actual vagina feels better than a fleshlight.” I’m going to let her continue believing that. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2017, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/87 "2017-12-11T13:43:59Z")
> [@Isosleepy](#): > > The last joke is great if you can get away with another synonym for Fucking. “Boning” for example. Delivery will be key. Don’t do lame puns, like the suggested "buy"sexual. I love the Ok vs happy one, and the open relationship one. While I originally selected “making love” because I imagine the “character” behind this set having kind of a stilted affect, I think “boning” may work better even given that mannerism. Especially, actually. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2017, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/88 "2017-12-11T15:10:04Z")
> [@Isosleepy](#): > > The last joke is great if you can get away with another synonym for Fucking. “Boning” for example. Delivery will be key. Don’t do lame puns, like the suggested "buy"sexual. I love the Ok vs happy one, and the open relationship one. I’d go with “banging” myself. Or even “screwing.” I don’t think I’ve heard “boning” used around here since high school. (Then again, seeing the above, maybe it’s appropriate for the character.) ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2017, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/89 "2017-12-11T16:38:10Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > I’d go with “banging” myself. Or even “screwing.” I don’t think I’ve heard “boning” used around here since high school. (Then again, seeing the above, maybe it’s appropriate for the character.) Me, I make a circle with my left hand and then rapidly move my right index finger in-and-out of that circle, thus transcending the generational changes that occur in language. ---
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2017, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/90 "2017-12-12T04:11:31Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > That was my favorite among the jokes. Well excuuUUuuuUuuse me! Ahem. Dr. Frylock, I suggest applying the scientific method to your routine. Try out your material. See what works. Do more than one open mic night, and adapt. I have done a lot of these things as a music performer, the thing I really got interested in was pronunciation- speaking to a crowd is different that speaking to a person. The rules don’t matter, in fact, the rules can get in the way of clear communication. You know what I mean… ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2017, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/91 "2017-12-12T15:24:21Z")
Haha guys it appears I will be doubling down if time and audience reaction permits: > [@](#): > > If I could travel back in time, I would visit my father’s house. I would ask him, “Don’t you recognize me Pa?” and he would say “No,” because I would not have been born yet. Then he would shoot me, because I am in his bed. Banging his wife. > > No it’s okay! Adopted! Adopted! … I have adopted a casual attitude towards the prospect of incest. Between my mother, and myself. > > Listen it’s inevitable. I may as well enjoy it when it happens. I’m sorry! It’s experimental! It’ll be fun even if it bombs! XD ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2017, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/92 "2017-12-12T15:27:18Z")
> [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](#): > > Well excuuUUuuuUuuse me! > Ahem. Dr. Frylock, I suggest applying the scientific method to your routine. Try out your material. See what works. Do more than one open mic night, and adapt. I have done a lot of these things as a music performer, the thing I really got interested in was pronunciation- speaking to a crowd is different that speaking to a person. The rules don’t matter, in fact, the rules can get in the way of clear communication. You know what I mean… Yes, I am approaching this all as experimental. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2017, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/93 "2017-12-12T16:56:58Z")
I read they scanned a 2000 year old mummy. A 2000 year old mummy. They announced that it had cancer. … How is this helping? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2017, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/94 "2017-12-12T21:17:48Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > A possible addition/replacement: > > A woman once said to me, she said, “Surely, an actual vagina…” > > I pause here for a moment, to give you time to imagine how that sentence may plausibly continue. > > She said “Surely, an actual vagina feels better than a fleshlight.” > > I’m going to let her continue believing that. I’m not sure why, but this makes my skin crawl, and not in a good way. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2017, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/95 "2017-12-12T21:55:17Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I’m not sure why, but this makes my skin crawl, and not in a good way. So… yeah… the persona here is kind of a weirdo misogynist… I recognize that… It’s one of those things where the joke is supposed to be on the persona but I know some people will just take it more straightforwardly. Having said that, this particular joke comes from an actual conversation I had with a super feminist friend of mine. And I in fact, to be clear, have no idea whatsoever what a fleshlight feels like btw. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2017, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/96 "2017-12-12T22:44:31Z")
Better if it was your wife not “a woman” and better if it was last night rather than “once.” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2017, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/97 "2017-12-13T02:31:17Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > So… yeah… the persona here is kind of a weirdo misogynist… I recognize that… It’s one of those things where the joke is supposed to be on the persona but I know some people will just take it more straightforwardly. > > Having said that, this particular joke comes from an actual conversation I had with a super feminist friend of mine. And I in fact, to be clear, have no idea whatsoever what a fleshlight feels like btw. Are you trying for the old Vaudeville hook thing? ---
**Author:** ![DooWahDiddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9bcb4/32.png) [@DooWahDiddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DooWahDiddy)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2017, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/98 "2017-12-13T02:54:53Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > And I in fact, to be clear, have no idea whatsoever what a fleshlight feels like btw. See, this right here is very telling. It’s almost like you’re trying to write for someone else; for some character in a TV show. My advice, as someone who has done what you’re doing (except I did 8 minutes) is to stick with what you know. Write from your point of view, and don’t branch out yet into things you don’t have firsthand knowledge of. Some of your jokes elicited a smile from me, and with a solid delivery probably would have garnered a laugh. But when you do the weird sexual stuff that you didn’t really live through, it comes across as lame and just plain bizarre. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2017, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/99 "2017-12-13T03:33:26Z")
> [@DooWahDiddy](#): > > See, this right here is very telling. It’s almost like you’re trying to write for someone else; for some character in a TV show. My advice, as someone who has done what you’re doing (except I did 8 minutes) is to stick with what you know. Write from your point of view, and don’t branch out yet into things you don’t have firsthand knowledge of. And the “weirdo misogynist” persona? This isn’t a recurring show, you’ve got three minutes to convince a bunch of strangers that’s just your act, otherwise you’re going to be written off as a creep who’s only there to vent about his down on women. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2017, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/100 "2017-12-13T14:56:54Z")
Revision! I here put in a quote box the set of jokes that can definitely be done in under three minutes. Second quote box is the ones I’ll throw in at the end if things are going well and I have time. Third quote box is stuff I kind of think could be worked into something but I ended up dropping. (This is to satisfy a request for such from above.) > [@The Set](#): > > I have a PhD in philosophy. That is my first joke. > > I’m bisexual. That means I’m attracted to ladies–but only in pairs. > > I prefer being okay to being happy. Because when you are happy, there’s so much you haven’t thought through. > > My wife is a seven and I am a three. I know what you’re thinking. “He must have a huge ‘personality’.” But you’re wrong. It’s my penis. > > People walk up to me on the street and ask, “what’s your favorite sexy time music?” They do! > > My favorite sexy time music is four minutes and thirty three seconds of silence. > > Who here is in an open relationship that they know of? > > I love children. When I grow up, I hope to have three of them. One for the food stamps. One to run and grab me a beer. And I’m going to need another kid to be responsible for raising the other two. > > I tend to forget little things like picking up my wife after work. > > My wife and I have had to learn some life lessons about love and forgetfulness. She has learned from me, for example, that my forgetfulness doesn’t make my love any less real. And I have learned from her, that my love is worthless. > > I did bring a series of racially offensive jokes. Which way do you think I should go with those? > > There’s a street corner near my house where several hispanic people stand just hoping for an honest day’s work. Then the other day I saw a young white millenial hipster standing there with them. Gentrification rears its ugly head. > > I read they scanned a 2000 year old mummy, and announced that it had cancer. How is this helping? > [@The Reserve](#): > > If I could go back in time, I would visit my dad’s house, and I would ask him “don’t you recognize me pa?” and he would say no, because I wouldn’t have been born yet. Then he would shoot me, because I am in his bed, banging his wife. > > It’s okay! Adopted! Adopted! I have adopted a casual attitude. Towards the prospect. Of incest. Between my mother and myself. > > It’s inevitable. I may as well enjoy it when it happens. > > A woman once said to me, she said, “Surely an actual vagina…” I will now pause, to give you a moment to imagine how that sentence may plausibly have ended. > > Time is up. She said “Surely an actual vagaina feels better than a fleshlight!” I’m going to let her keep believing that. > [@The Rejects That May Have Some Possibilities](#): > > My wife never says “I love you” she only says “I tolerate your existence.” It’s cute! > > A few weeks ago my wife started telling me she loves me. She’s been keeping it up ever since. Something is terribly wrong. > > Life under Donald Trump is a dream come true for me. Who here voted for Trump? Ah so this living nightmare is your fault. > > Now we know who the Trump voters are. Buy them a drink, they don’t know it but they’re having a hard time right now. > > They told me there are two rules you must never break as a newcomer to standup comedy. The no shop talk rule, and the rule of threes. > > Earlier I mentioned my penis. When it is erect, it tilts a little to the left. I have always wondered. Is that how it is for everyone, or is it because I’m right handed? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761.md?page=6)