# For no good reason, I"m doing three minutes of open mic stand up in about a month **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 7, 2017, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761 "2017-12-07T04:20:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2017, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/121 "2017-12-14T04:23:49Z")
> [@Spoons](#): > > On the Ph.D. in Philosophy bit… > > Now _that’s_ funny! > > I recall a thread from some years back, where our own **RickJay** spoke about his experience learning and doing standup: > > [Standup Comedy Is Hard, I Am Learning](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=592865) > > Rick shares what he learned, as do other Dopers with relevant experience. Many good tips there; **Frylock** , I’d suggest that you check it out. Good thread, thanks. I note that over there it turns out we’ve got a whole lotta people with experience here at SDMB. Didn’t know… ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2017, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/122 "2017-12-14T17:11:45Z")
My set is safer now: > [@](#): > > I have a PhD in philosophy. Would you like fries with that? > > I’m bisexual. That means I’m attracted to ladies–but only in pairs. > > Backstage they told me there are two rules you must never break as a newcomer to standup comedy. The no shop talk rule, and the rule of threes. > > I read they scanned a 2000 year old mummy, and announced that it had cancer. How is this helping? > > My wife is a seven and I am a three. I know what you’re thinking. “He must have a huge ‘personality’.” But you’re wrong. It’s my penis. > > Who here is in an open relationship that they know of? > > I love children. When I grow up, I hope to have three of them. One for the food stamps. One to run and grab me a beer. And I’m going to need another kid to be responsible for raising the other two. > > I tend to forget little things like picking up my wife after work. > > My wife and I have had to learn some life lessons about love and forgetfulness. She has learned from me, for example, that my forgetfulness doesn’t make my love any less real. And I have learned from her, that my love is worthless. > > There’s a street corner near my house where several hispanic people stand just hoping for an honest day’s work. Then the other day I saw a young white millenial hipster standing there with them. Gentrification rears its ugly head. > > A woman once said to me, she said, “Surely an actual vagina…” I will now pause, to give you a moment to imagine how that sentence may plausibly have ended. > > Time is up. She said “Surely an actual vagina feels better than a fleshlight!” I’m going to let her keep believing that. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2017, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/123 "2017-12-14T17:26:57Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > I’m kinda digging this: > > I have a PhD in Philosophy. Would you like fries with that? That’s just such a hackneyed line, though. I prefer **Knowed Out** ’s version by far, but I still think “would you like fries with that?” is just so worn-out a “joke” that it’s not funny anymore (if it ever really was.) That said, I’m starting to warm to the whole line-after-line type of joke telling. I can see it working with the right delivery and the right crowd. About 1/2 the jokes elicited a chuckle or smile from me. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2017, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/124 "2017-12-14T23:56:44Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > I’m kinda digging this: > > I have a PhD in Philosophy. Would you like fries with that? Agreed with lose the “would you like fries” bit. Can you reference the fact that you’re reduced to stand-up at an open mic night? "I have a PhD. in Philosophy. People think you can’t do anything with that degree. But that’s not true! I’m mean, technically, according to the modal theory of logic… …Truth is, I’ve found the most lucrative and useful thing you can do with a philosophy degree." Look at the audience,at the microphone, down at yourself, in slow despair. “oh. shit. I really have, haven’t I?” Something like that. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2017, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/125 "2017-12-15T01:02:02Z")
I vote you open with “you’re a great audience,” and stare silently without blinking for the entire three minutes. ---
**Author:** ![edwards\_beard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@edwards\_beard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/edwards_beard)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2017, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/126 "2017-12-15T17:42:19Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > That’s just such a hackneyed line, though. I prefer **Knowed Out** ’s version by far, but I still think “would you like fries with that?” is just so worn-out a “joke” that it’s not funny anymore (if it ever really was.) > > That said, I’m starting to warm to the whole line-after-line type of joke telling. I can see it working with the right delivery and the right crowd. About 1/2 the jokes elicited a chuckle or smile from me. The only thing I think of when I see “You want fries with that” is Robin Williams’ joke using the same line. I really have no clue what the joke with the mummy is supposed to be ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2017, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/127 "2017-12-15T22:32:38Z")
> [@edwards\_beard](#): > > The only thing I think of when I see “You want fries with that” is Robin Williams’ joke using the same line. > > I really have no clue what the joke with the mummy is supposed to be I _think_ the gist is that x-raying mummies is a waste of time because they’ve been dead for two millennia so archaeologists are teh dumzers lol, but I may be missing some nuance. ---
**Author:** ![DooWahDiddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9bcb4/32.png) [@DooWahDiddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DooWahDiddy)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2017, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/128 "2017-12-16T06:31:20Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > I _think_ the gist is that x-raying mummies is a waste of time because they’ve been dead for two millennia so archaeologists are teh dumzers lol, but I may be missing some nuance. I thought it had something to do with the fact that 2,000 years later we still don’t have a cure for cancer. But it’s anybody’s guess. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2017, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/129 "2017-12-18T17:48:41Z")
Just for reference, I’m going to put this here. This is Andy Daly from the album **Comedy Death Ray** , doing what I think is [a remarkable bit](https://youtu.be/qPD6A9k8Rlc): he goes at least three hilarious minutes without actually making a joke or talking about anything specific. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2017, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/130 "2017-12-18T18:13:33Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > …Truth is, I’ve found the most lucrative and useful thing you can do with a philosophy degree." Look at the audience,at the microphone, down at yourself, in slow despair. “oh. shit. I really have, haven’t I?” I like this suggestion! Definitely better than the fast-food cliche. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2017, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/131 "2017-12-18T20:49:28Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Most people will just politely chuckle if they catch an implication that sex with “me” is just quick and silent. A few will laugh rauccously at the John Cage reference. If I do it right the louder laughs will make the quieter laughs get louder. Man, how did I miss this thread? Neither joke is easily understood or funny. The John Cage reference isn’t a joke. It’s just a reference. No one will laugh at it even if they know 4’33". I know it, and John Cage, and didn’t find that funny at all. I do like some of your other jokes, but you’re going to have a great deal of difficulty not repelling your audience, sorry. One liner comedy is hard, and one liner comedy that sets you up as a jerk is REALLY hard. Being an unlikable comic is almost impossible. Only highly experienced and skilled comics can pull that off. > [@](#): > > I have a PhD in Philosophy. Would you like fries with that? This is a good joke. This or Knowed Out’s version. Is it hackneyed? It sure is. It is original? Not really, though I have not heard this specific means of delivery before. It is however a solid joke; it’s funny, relateable, and self-effacing, and those are important things. Take it from the guy who has actually been paid to perform standup comedy: You should tell it, preferably in the first thirty seconds. Everyone saying you shouldn’t is wrong. No offense, everyone. Not all your jokes have to be amazingly original. What you’re aiming for are the following: 1. Clear, concise jokes. Don’t worry about being a comedic genius; your jokes can be fairly straightforward as long as you aren’t directly copying them. “Fries with that” jokes are popular because people laugh at them. They are funny. At an open mic, just telling funny jokes puts you in the top shelf of comedians. 2. Be likable. You need to seriously consider jettisoning EVERY joke you have that is in mean spirited. Being likable is as important as being funny, especially in the first 60 seconds. If people like you they will want to laugh. If they hate you they will find reasons to not laugh. 3. Have a path. One liners will be exceptionally difficult for you to deliver and will be harder for the audience to get. String them together in a narrative. It doesn’t have to be a great story, just string things together. 4. Once you have established a thread, write a callback joke. Instant laughter and it makes you look brilliant. 5. Edit edit edit. Your joke to minute ratio must be very high. You know what the most common weakness of starting comedians is? They don’t tell enough jokes. You don’t have enough jokes to fill three minutes. You need more jokes. Knowed Out has some nice ideas for changing some of your jokes, but that illustrates the sixth thing you should do; Work with people to refine your material. Comedians work together a lot, because it works. The time travel joke, to be honest, I really like. It’s detailed and difficult, but it’s very Jack Handey - in fact it’s one of the best Jack Handey jokes I have ever heard that wasn’t written by Jack Handey (who is a real person.) You can’t NOT tell a joke that good. Have it in the latter half of your set. End at “banging his wife” though. Stop painting. In truth, you will probably not do great. If you practice and really sell your jokes, I don’t think you will bomb, but all starting comics are mediocre. However, I think you’ll get some laughs, and if you do it’ll be a wonderful experience. “Who here is in an open relationship that they know of?” is also a great joke. Timing your pause after “relationship” is key, but it’s solid. Love that joke. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2017, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/132 "2017-12-19T21:08:43Z")
Working with people: Definitely, in fact these have been worked through with someone who does a lot of open mic standup. (The reason I thought I might be able to do this at all is because I had been helping her out with her jokes, and many of my suggestions really did help, as measured by audience laughter at least.) And I’ve made changes as a result of feedback online here and elsewhere. Very valuable. Jack Handey: Exactly. His name came to mind previously, not sure why I didn’t mention him tbh. I actually imagine practically the whole thing in a kind of “Jack Handey Voice.” 4:33: You are almost certainly right. I am still going to try it especailly if I don’t come up with enough new jokes between now and the big day. In a certain written forum it got some (written) chuckles–but of course that’s different. I do think it’s not _just_ a reference because of the implicit implications of awkwardness and low stamina in bed but… I know, it’s probably not going to land. Likeability: Here’s the problem. I’m not likeable. I have what after 39 years I’ve finally decided is an _inescapably_ weird, abrupt, offputting first impression. I’m trying to use this rather than trying to use stand up as a way to “learn how to be likable.” I’m likable but only after you get to know me. On stage, no one gets to know you, especially not in three minutes, and also, I’m a horrible actor. Good at speaking, bad at acting. So… _for now_ I am just not even going to try to do the more standard likable comedian thing. I honestly don’t think I can make that work. But nothing here is permanent. I need to get up there and feel things out, know what I mean? ---
**Author:** ![Isosleepy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/isosleepy/32/479_2.png) [@Isosleepy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isosleepy)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/133 "2017-12-20T03:08:59Z")
Be you. Don’t change or weak sauce it. The mummy joke is amusing but doesn’t fit. The “rule of threes” doesn’t fit, and is not that funny. If you do political stuff, it needs to be punchy and strong, and your stuff from the third window isn’t. (Yet?) ---
**Author:** ![Isosleepy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/isosleepy/32/479_2.png) [@Isosleepy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isosleepy)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/134 "2017-12-20T03:10:01Z")
And for the love of the comedy gods, don’t do the fries thing. ---
**Author:** ![DooWahDiddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9bcb4/32.png) [@DooWahDiddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DooWahDiddy)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/135 "2017-12-20T04:49:14Z")
^^“Don’t change. But here’s three things you should change.” ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/136 "2017-12-20T05:33:42Z")
I think what everyone is saying is, just be yourself. But, you know, better. ---
**Author:** ![Isosleepy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/isosleepy/32/479_2.png) [@Isosleepy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isosleepy)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/137 "2017-12-20T14:47:51Z")
> [@DooWahDiddy](#): > > ^^“Don’t change. But here’s three things you should change.” I advocated deletion, not change. Unless you count changing back. Like from the fries. The godforsaken fries. Point is, he’s going for something between Wright and Jesselnick. Deadpan and uncomfortable. Will it work? Who knows, depends on his delivery or the audience of the night. But it is his voice, no point trying to force it into some weakened version of Artie Lange trying to work clean and phoning it in. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/138 "2017-12-20T14:48:44Z")
When are you actually doing it? I want to check in without having to open this thread every day ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/139 "2017-12-20T15:47:23Z")
Frylock, experience is the best teacher as the old saying goes. There is a way to channel your social awkwardness into a funny stage character, but it’s a learning process, and you need a thick skin. Do you have any comedian friends who can watch your performance and give you pointers? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/140 "2017-12-20T18:23:01Z")
Comedian friends: Just the one who I’ve been helping with joke writing. She finds the set hilarious but–she knows me, we’re really good friends, and also she’s pretty inexperienced. I think she’s good but she herself would not say she’s someone to go to for authoritative advice at this time. I have found a couple of local open mics which really seem to be _just_ comedians telling jokes to other comedians–like, the whole audience ends up getting up there over the course of the night. I don’t know yet whether that would be a great place to get pointers or a horrible place to try someting out as a first-timer. Experience as the best teacher: Most definitely, it’s why I’m not too worried about failing tbh. Failure is experience. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761.md?page=8)