# For no good reason, I"m doing three minutes of open mic stand up in about a month **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 7, 2017, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761 "2017-12-07T04:20:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/141 "2017-12-20T18:24:31Z")
> [@Sir\_T-Cups](#): > > When are you actually doing it? > > I want to check in without having to open this thread every day Well it’s suposed to be Jan 9 but, though I have actually had verbal confirmation of that, I haven’t received a certain email I should have received so I may have to revise that date. ---
**Author:** ![DooWahDiddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9bcb4/32.png) [@DooWahDiddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DooWahDiddy)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/142 "2017-12-20T19:46:01Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > I have found a couple of local open mics which really seem to be _just_ comedians telling jokes to other comedians–like, the whole audience ends up getting up there over the course of the night. I don’t know yet whether that would be a great place to get pointers or a horrible place to try someting out as a first-timer. It would be a good place to learn by watching, but a horrible place to try something out as a first-timer. Comedians generally don’t laugh at other comedians; even if they _do_ find something funny, they don’t laugh because they’re trying to figure out why it’s funny. So it wouldn’t be a very good real-time gauge of how strong your material is. But you would definitely learn just by watching, like writers getting better with every book they read. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/143 "2017-12-20T20:58:20Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Comedian friends: Just the one who I’ve been helping with joke writing. She finds the set hilarious but–she knows me, we’re really good friends, and also she’s pretty inexperienced. I think she’s good but she herself would not say she’s someone to go to for authoritative advice at this time. > > I have found a couple of local open mics which really seem to be _just_ comedians telling jokes to other comedians–like, the whole audience ends up getting up there over the course of the night. I don’t know yet whether that would be a great place to get pointers or a horrible place to try someting out as a first-timer. If you ask for help and offer to show up early for a writing session, they will likely be very welcoming. I was very welcomed when I started and once I was a bit more experienced I loved helping newbies. There’s not a lot of competition, despite what you see on TV and in movies. You won’t get many laughs, which is fine. Comedians don’t laugh much at such things; if you get a chuckle you are doing well. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/144 "2017-12-20T22:55:25Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > That’s just such a hackneyed line, though. I prefer **Knowed Out** ’s version by far, but I still think “would you like fries with that?” is just so worn-out a “joke” that it’s not funny anymore (if it ever really was.) > > That said, I’m starting to warm to the whole line-after-line type of joke telling. I can see it working with the right delivery and the right crowd. About 1/2 the jokes elicited a chuckle or smile from me. It’s not in its best form when told that way: \*“I have a Phd in philosophy. Would you like fries with that?” \* It’s better in the way suggested by someone previously: _"I have a PhD in philosophy. Which means I have spent 7 years studying the deepest questions of mankind. Such as, “do you want fries with that?”_ Yes, it’s been done a million times… but nonetheless I would suggest that he holds that joke in his pocket and only pulls it out if the crowd is silent or bored. Because even though it’s hackneyed its pretty much guaranteed to get a decent laugh. A lot of folks who pay to see comedy actually want simple jokes-even if something like his has been done before. They can’t deal with much that is out-of-the-box or challenging. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2017, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/145 "2017-12-20T23:04:35Z")
(after edit window) Or maybe instead of holding the joke in reserve for a “rainy day” it would be better to tell it very early in your set as **RickJay** suggested. It _will_ get laughs… which will set the crowd up to laugh at other stuff that might not have gotten much of a a laugh otherwise. It’s important to get them on your side. ---
**Author:** ![Kropotkin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kropotkin/32/18045_2.png) [@Kropotkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kropotkin)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/146 "2017-12-21T02:19:59Z")
“So I said to my wife with the wooden leg, Peg, I said…” You’re welcome. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/147 "2017-12-21T02:23:16Z")
> [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](#): > > It’s not in its best form when told that way: \*“I have a Phd in philosophy. Would you like fries with that?” \* It’s better in the way suggested by someone previously: > > _"I have a PhD in philosophy. Which means I have spent 7 years studying the deepest questions of mankind. Such as, “do you want fries with that?”_ I think you just exactly restated what I said. That is **Knowed Out** ’s take on the line that I referred to. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/148 "2017-12-21T02:25:43Z")
Why hold back a joke you know will get laughs unless you literally have too many guaranteed laughs to fit into your time? ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/149 "2017-12-21T03:48:10Z")
I heard most of these in my head in Steven Wright’s voice and delivery, and found them hilarious, though dated and offensive. If your not familiar with him, he has a very dead-pan but perfectly timed delivery. ("… so if anyone has any boxes …" still kills me). The thing is, his timing for his pauses was impeccable. I’ve never seen anyone successfully steal one of his punch lines. He always started out with obvious and strong lines, to loosen up the audience, and then moved on to more subtle ones. I didn’t read the other replies (so my reaction wouldn’t be influenced), so I apologize if this is duplicative. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/150 "2017-12-21T04:08:10Z")
nm, wrong thread ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/151 "2017-12-21T04:09:56Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Well it’s suposed to be Jan 9 but, though I have actually had verbal confirmation of that, I haven’t received a certain email I should have received so I may have to revise that date. Let me know, I’d like to come if I don’t have other arrangements (I shouldn’t). Maybe we can turn this into a central Indiana doper convention or something if other dopers are going. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/152 "2017-12-21T05:04:02Z")
> [@j666](#): > > though dated and offensive. > . What do you refer to as dated here? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/153 "2017-12-21T15:50:53Z")
I got new glasses today and wrote down the following joke, which is more in the friendly self-deprecating vein many here advocate: I need my glasses to reflect my personality. Square, and kind of thick. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/154 "2017-12-21T18:49:07Z")
An almost total revision. Here I make some compromises based on feedback here and elsewhere–I’ve removed _most_ of the meanspirited and offputting jokes. I’ll save those for a longer set after I have had a chance to test my delivery on easier jokes. I did keep the incest one, I just really want to see what happens. It’s near the end. Also kept the 4’33’', again, I just really want to see what happens. I now have a bit of a running thread. It is in truth a little bit homophobic but hopefully in a way that invites mockery of homophobia. I know it’s a fine line. It also involves a _very_ dated reference but I lampshade that in the last joke so maybe it’s okay? I have attempted to make the thing more friendly and self-deprecating, not as a permanent change to my approach (maybe) but as a “first timer” thing. > [@](#): > > I have a PhD in philosophy. That is my first joke. > > I just bought these glasses. I told them I need my glasses to reflect my personality: Square and a bit thick > > As it turns out, I am married. On the scale of attractiveness, my wife is a seven. I of course am a three. I know what you’re thinking: “This man must have a huge personality.” But you are wrong. It’s my penis. > > I told my wife that joke a while ago to make sure she was okay with it. She turned to me and smiled sweetly, saying “Aw, honey. I can see a booger in your nose.” > > People walk up to me on the street and ask me, “Kris, what’s your favorite sexy time music?” … …They do. > > My favorite sexy time music is four minutes and thirty three seconds of silence. > > By the way, I am bisexual. This means I’m attracted to ladies–but only in pairs. > > No, honestly I’m very straight, except when George Michael (from Wham and may he rest in peace) is looking _directly_ through the camera and into my soul. > > I read they scanned a 2000 year old mummy, and they announced that it had cancer. How is this helping? > > Who here is in an open relationship that they know of? > > Any straight man in the room who denies their heart goes a bit a-flutter when George Michael sings “Last Christmas” and gazes at me lovingly… is a damn liar. > > I was driving across the country and I heard on the radio at one point, “Spirit FM. The more you listen, the closer you get to God.” I mean, these people are not playing around. > > There’s a street corner near my house where several hispanic people stand just hoping for an honest day’s work. Then the other day I saw standing there with them, a young white millenial hipster type. Gentrification rears its ugly head. > > If I could go back in time, I would visit my father’s house, and I would ask him “don’t you recognize me pa?” and he would say no, because I wouldn’t have been born yet. Then he would shoot me, because I am in his bed, banging his wife. > > Truly I say unto you, by the power of George Michael’s gaze, a biological male can in fact be impregnated. > > Backstage they told me there are two rules you must never break as a newcomer to standup comedy. The no eighties references rule, the rule of threes… and that is all, good night. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/155 "2017-12-21T20:02:46Z")
Are you going to tell them in that order? I don’t get why the George Michael jokes are apart, or why. The open relationship joke should be grouped with the marriage jokes. It’ll make it easier for people to get them. I don’t think you have three minutes of material here and you probably don’t even have two, but better short than long. I love the parting line. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/156 "2017-12-21T20:07:45Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > Are you going to tell them in that order? I don’t get why the George Michael jokes are apart, or why. The open relationship joke should be grouped with the marriage jokes. It’ll make it easier for people to get them. > > I don’t think you have three minutes of material here and you probably don’t even have two, but better short than long. > > I love the parting line. I think it is better to have less than three than to have more than three, is it not? As to the george michael jokes, it’s a running thread–the idea was it’s like, I keep coming back to this, it’s clearly more of an obsession than I mean to let on. The third one comes at the end as a callback, as well. (I was trying to incorporate suggestions from above by crafting a running thread and a callback.) I’ll take a look at the open relationship/marriage pairing–that’s how it used to be. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/157 "2017-12-21T20:12:54Z")
(I wasn’t going to flood the thread with this, but about the three minutes, I do have this longer set of basically _all_ the jokes I’ve actually worked on (as opposed to noting down in the moment), somewhat intentionally arranged. But it has all the mean spirited and off putting stuff in it, and also, I feel like it’s better to have a complete set that is less than three minutes than to end up having to cut yourself off in the middle of an incomplete one on a lame joke.) > [@](#): > > I have a PhD in philosophy. That is my first joke. > > I just bought these glasses. I told them I need my glasses to reflect my personality: Square and a bit thick > > As it turns out, I am married. On the scale of attractiveness, my wife is a seven. I of course am a three. I know what you’re thinking: “This man must have a huge personality.” But you are wrong. It’s my penis. > > I told my wife that joke a while ago to make sure she was okay with it. She turned to me and smiled sweetly, saying “Aw, honey. I can see a booger in your nose.” > > People walk up to me on the street and ask me, “Kris, what’s your favorite sexy time music?” … …They do. > > My favorite sexy time music is four minutes and thirty three seconds of silence. > > By the way, I am bisexual. This means I’m attracted to ladies–but only in pairs. > > No, honestly I’m very straight, except when George Michael (from Wham and may god rest his soul) is looking _directly_ through the camera and into my soul. > > I read they scanned a 2000 year old mummy, and they announced that it had cancer. How is this helping? > > Who here is in an open relationship that they know of? > > Any straight man in the room who denies their heart goes a bit a-flutter when George Michael sings “Last Christmas” and gazes at me lovingly… is a damn liar. > > I was driving across the country and I heard on the radio at one point, “Spirit FM. The more you listen, the closer you get to God.” I mean, these people are not playing around. > > I talk to God every day. Does anyone here talk to God? I do, every day. He’s kind of an asshole wouldn’t you agree? > > For example the other day I was trying to masturbate… And God Said “Kris, I know what you’re doing in there.” To really rub it in he used my wife’s voice to say it. > > Still in my wife’s voice, he said “I’m right here!” I’m like I know, you’re everywhere, I read your book. > > I love children. When I grow up, I hope to have three of them. One for the food stamps. One to grab me a beer. And I will need another kid, to be responsible for raising the other two. > > My wife never says “I love you” she only says “I tolerate your existence.” It’s cute! > > A few weeks ago my wife did start telling me she loves me. She’s been keeping it up ever since. Something is terribly wrong. > > I do tend to forget little things like picking up my wife after work. > > My wife and I have had to learn some life lessons about love and forgetfulness. She has learned from me, for example, that my forgetfulness doesn’t make my love any less real. And I have learned from her, that my love is worthless. > > There’s a street corner near my house where several hispanic people stand just hoping for an honest day’s work. Then the other day I saw standing there with them, a young white millenial hipster type. Gentrification rears its ugly head. > > A woman once said to me, she said, “Surely an actual vagina…” I will now pause, to give you a moment to imagine how that sentence may plausibly have ended. > > Time is up. She said “Surely an actual vagina feels better than a fleshlight!” I’m going to let her keep believing that. > > I did bring a series of racially offensive jokes. Which way do you think I should go with those? > > If I could go back in time, I would visit my father’s house, and I would ask him “don’t you recognize me pa?” and he would say no, because I wouldn’t have been born yet. Then he would shoot me, because I am in his bed, banging his wife. > > It’s okay! Adopted! Adopted! I have adopted a casual attitude. Towards the prospect. Of incest. Between my mother. And myself. > > It’s inevitable. I may as well enjoy it when it happens. > > You may recall, earlier I mentioned my penis. When it is erect, it tilts a little to the left. I have always wondered. Is that how it is for everyone, or is it because I’m right handed? > > Truly I say unto you, by the power of George Michael’s gaze, a biological male can in fact be impregnated. > > Backstage they told me there are two rules you must never break as a newcomer to standup comedy. The rule against eighties references, and the rule of threes… and that is all. Good night. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/158 "2017-12-21T20:18:24Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > I don’t think you have three minutes of material here and you probably don’t even have two, You have to figure in the clock eaten up by thunderous applause and maniacal laughter. > [@RickJay](#): > > better short than long. That’s what his wife said. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/159 "2017-12-21T20:29:29Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > You have to figure in the clock eaten up by thunderous applause and maniacal laughter. **Kayaker** gets it. More seriously, when I time it, even without leaving space between the tellings, the first five jokes take up a minute, the second six take up a minute, and the final six actually take up like a minute and twenty seconds, so I’ve been more worried it’s too _long_. It may be that I’m saying them very slowly when I time myself. But I do think I’ll be saying them a bit slowly. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2017, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761/160 "2017-12-21T20:46:27Z")
You absolutely will not say them that slowly on stage. That’s incredibly slow, for one thing; you are either talking like Steven Wright dubbing “Drunk Donald Trump” while you speak, or you’'re taking pauses between jokes that are way beyond “comic timing” and into “uncomfortably weird.” And, being a newbie, you will talk faster than you planned. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-no-good-reason-i-m-doing-three-minutes-of-open-mic-stand-up-in-about-a-month/803761.md?page=9)