# For once I have an etiquette question!
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [May 17, 2012, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202 "2012-05-17T12:37:51Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/1 "2012-05-17T12:37:51Z")
One of my coworkers is marrying her girlfriend today–she wants to keep it quiet (she is not closeted, just shy), and she e’d half-a-dozen of our maybe 20 coworkers to tell us. Of course, we have to do _something_, so I got a lovely card. No party or anything.
Now, I think everyone in the office should sign it; others think that only the people she e’d should sign it. Problem is, this is an open-space office full of gossiping loudmouths, and \*everyone \*is going to know about the wedding before long. I think the people who were pointedly not asked to sign the card will feel hurt and left-out. I have been overruled, and only the elect will sign it. I am not going to countermand this, but I think it is rude and the bride should suck it up and accept all her coworkers’ signatures on a card.
What is your take?
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### Author:  [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/2 "2012-05-17T12:43:10Z")
If that “e’d” does indeed stand for “elected” and she did indeed ask you guys to spread the news discreetely (rather than asking y’all to keep it hush-hush) then I agree that the card should have been signed by anybody who wanted to.
Great way to spread the news discreete but officially, too.
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### Author:  [@Dave\_Hartwick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dave_Hartwick)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/3 "2012-05-17T12:44:02Z")
Sorry, but WTF does “e’d” mean?
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### Author:  [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/4 "2012-05-17T12:44:59Z")
The BRIDE should suck it up? It sounds kind of odd to say that the person this whole to-do is in honor of should be the one to suck it up.
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### Author:  [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/5 "2012-05-17T12:46:15Z")
I’m with you on this: in a small office space everyone will know anyway, and they will feel embarrassed not doing anything. However low-key the bride wants to keep it, I think she should’ve considered this anyway. People care, and want to show her they care about this special occasion: they should have that opportunity. Extra signatures on a card isn’t exactly devastating to the bride. It points out she was perhaps a little inconsiderate in not thinking of them in the first place, but no harm done. IMHO.
ETA: Yeah, what does e’d mean? I was going with short for emailed, as it was a low-key announcement…?
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### Author:  [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/6 "2012-05-17T12:50:59Z")
There are many degrees of “closeted”, and many degrees of comfort with personal news in professional spaces. I think I’d err on the side of caution, and only have the e’d people sign. Those are the people you \*know \*she wants to share her news with. There’s some reason (and it may have nothing to do with her being gay) that she hasn’t announced it to the whole office.
To me, the important part of your first paragraph says it all: “she wants to keep it quiet.” That’s all I need to know. Will word get around? Sure, of course it will. But I wouldn’t hasten the process by passing around a public card.
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### Author:  [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/7 "2012-05-17T12:51:39Z")
Also, she may well learn that many more of her officemates are happy for her, or even neutral about her orientation. Someone who is shy may never realize how much support or indifference she actually has among her peers. (This is a positive indifference I’m referring to - that far fewer people have an issue with her choice of partners than she imagines.)
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### Author:  [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/8 "2012-05-17T12:56:29Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#):
>
> Also, she may well learn that many more of her officemates are happy for her, or even neutral about her orientation. Someone who is shy may never realize how much support or indifference she actually has among her peers. (This is a positive indifference I’m referring to - that far fewer people have an issue with her choice of partners than she imagines.)
Or she may well learn that her officemates do not approve of her orientation. Who are we to make that judgment call?
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### Author:  [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/9 "2012-05-17T12:57:57Z")
Has anyone, like, maybe just _ **asked** _ her what she thought? Unless you want the card to be a “surprise,” of course.
FTR, I’m not sure how I fall on this – I’d probably try to get myself into the bride’s head regarding the question. Being neither female, nor gay, I suspect I’d do a piss-poor job of trying to think like her, though – hence my suggestion of asking her what she thinks!
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/10 "2012-05-17T13:01:13Z")
> [@Dave\_Hartwick](#):
>
> Sorry, but WTF does “e’d” mean?
E-mailed.
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/11 "2012-05-17T13:06:18Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#):
>
> Or she may well learn that her officemates do not approve of her orientation. Who are we to make that judgment call?
Oh, I work in a Benetton ad: old, young, every nationality and ethnicity and religious/non-religious affiliation and sexuality–hell, even \*I \*work here. No one has a problem with her marrying another woman, and everyone knows she’s gay.
She just wants to keep it low-key, as it is a quiet city-hall ceremony. I just think leaving people out of a simple card-signing will cause unwonted office prickliness.
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### Author:  [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/12 "2012-05-17T13:08:10Z")
It’s not your place to publish that information to anyone outside of the select few that she “e’d”. The bride should not be expected to suck it up- you should respect her wishes.
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### Author:  [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/13 "2012-05-17T13:17:17Z")
Another vote for ‘a card from those she emailed is appropriate.’ I’m assuming there isn’t going to be some grand ceremony where the card is presented and she’s expected to make a speech.
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### Author:  [@OldnCrinkly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OldnCrinkly)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/14 "2012-05-17T13:25:02Z")
I can understand why the lady may not want her personal business to be the subject of this weeks office gab. But she has put Eve in a very awkward position. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the point of having a marriage ceremony a public acknowledgement of a private relationship? After all, marriage licenses are published in the newspaper. It is rude to include some people and keep secrets from others in the same group. If you don’t want your business in your business, keep it out. It is unreasonable to expect other people to have to tip toe around office politics games on behalf of your personal issues. I think either way Eve will end up looking like she has been rude to someone and it is not right to put her in that position.
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### Author:  [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/15 "2012-05-17T13:26:17Z")
> [@OldnCrinkly](#):
>
> I think either way Eve will end up looking like she has been rude to someone and it is not right to put her in that position.
Why Eve in particular? She’s one of six co-workers who knows about the wedding.
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### Author:  [@OldnCrinkly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OldnCrinkly)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/16 "2012-05-17T13:30:02Z")
Well she’s the one asking, but I also think it put the other people in the same awkward position. I don’t think it is fair for them either. Cliques are grade school level pettiness.
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### Author:  [@Folacin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Folacin)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/17 "2012-05-17T13:30:06Z")
Word gets out. I’d circulate the card just to the e-mailed - but if someone else hears about it, let them sign if they want.
I assume the bride wouldn’t be offended if someone she didn’t notify directly congratulated her on the nuptials - and that’s all the card is.
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### Author:  [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/18 "2012-05-17T13:31:39Z")
I would give her a card just from myself and suggest that others do too. So she can have lots of cards!
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/19 "2012-05-17T13:31:56Z")
> [@corkboard](#):
>
> It’s not your place to publish that information to anyone outside of the select few that she “e’d”. The bride should not be expected to suck it up- you should respect her wishes.
Oh, I _am_–I gave the card to one of the elect and told her to have whoever was on the e-list sign it. I just think there are going to be some hard feelings when it gets out, as it is bound to.
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/20 "2012-05-17T13:37:56Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#):
>
> I would give her a card just from myself and suggest that others do too. So she can have lots of cards!
That is actually an excellent idea, but 90 minutes late–I already bought and signed a card and gave it to Joan and Lito and they are forwarding it to the other A-listers.
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