# For once I have an etiquette question!
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [May 17, 2012, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202 "2012-05-17T12:37:51Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@OldnCrinkly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OldnCrinkly)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/21 "2012-05-17T13:38:16Z")
I agree with Sigmagirl’s suggestion. Just a card from yourself and let anyone else handle it in their own way as well.
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### Author:  [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/22 "2012-05-17T13:43:30Z")
> [@Eve](#):
>
> That is actually an excellent idea, but 90 minutes late–I already bought and signed a card and gave it to Joan and Lito and they are forwarding it to the other A-listers.
If you don’t mind “spoiler-ing” the “big event”, you can still ask the bride – “see, we got you a card, all low-key like you wanted, but we’re sure there are others in the office that would like to sign it too – mind if we pass it around and get a few more people to sign?”
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### Author:  [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/23 "2012-05-17T14:06:35Z")
> [@Noone\_Special](#):
>
> If you don’t mind “spoiler-ing” the “big event”, you can still ask the bride – “see, we got you a card, all low-key like you wanted, but we’re sure there are others in the office that would like to sign it too – mind if we pass it around and get a few more people to sign?”
+1
The bride kinda-sorta set the tone by the e-list; it is her day. This would make her intentions clear.
But +1 also for seperate/ additional cards from other people who weren’t listed & want to show they have the class to rise above & wish her well anyway.
A well-wish is merely a gift that the bride can accept or not. If she accepts it with grace, it will say a lot about her.
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/24 "2012-05-17T14:06:42Z")
Well, I should have logged on here \*before \*sending the card on its merry way. I just hope no one else finds out about this. I will keep \*my \*yap shut, but knowing Jeffrey and Lisa, they probably know about this in Bird Center, Iowa, by now.
Really, I think the bride either should have told no one, or sent out an all-office e-mail saying “we are keeping this low-key, _please_, no party or gifts or anything.” Rather than “I only like \*some \*of you.”
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/25 "2012-05-17T14:37:53Z")
I just got this e-mail from one of the other elect:
> [@](#):
>
> She only included us because I’m sure she does not want to deal with certain other people making a fuss. If they find out, “Kate didn’t want everyone making a big deal” is plenty good enough reason for them not knowing. I think everyone on this list has signed the card and that is ideal. I don’t like people feeling slighted or left out, but I’d feel far worse betraying Kate’s trust. We have to put her feelings first, in this case.
I am just not talking to \*anyone \*in this fucking office ever again about _anything_. I hate cliques and office politics.
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### Author:  [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/26 "2012-05-17T14:39:53Z")
You’d rather talk to us anyway.
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### Author:  [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/27 "2012-05-17T14:45:14Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#):
>
> I would give her a card just from myself and suggest that others do too. So she can have lots of cards!
That’s what I would do. Why force something that is an individual effort into a group exercise? Especially in a situation like this. And the card gets sent to her house.
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/28 "2012-05-17T14:56:07Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#):
>
> That’s what I would do. Why force something that is an individual effort into a group exercise? Especially in a situation like this. And the card gets sent to her house.
No, it’s too late for that (and no one has her home address anyway). The Elect have all signed the card and it will be given to her, and _no one_ can say a \*word \*about this to _anyone_, and some of my own office friends are not among The Elect. As far as I’m concerned Kate’s marriage never happened and I never heard about it, as I cannot remember who The Elect are.
I hate office cliques. I am just going to sit here mum at my desk and work and surf the internet and not talk to _anyone_. (It also makes me wonder what group things I have not been told about because someone hates _me?_)
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### Author:  [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/29 "2012-05-17T14:58:58Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#):
>
> I would give her a card just from myself and suggest that others do too. So she can have lots of cards!
This was going to be my answer, too. An individual sending a card can include a personal note. Group cards end up being signed with more mundane “Good Luck” or “Much Happiness” since there’s not enough space for long wishes.
OK, day late and a dollar short, but what ya gonna do… 😉
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### Author:  [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/30 "2012-05-17T16:25:18Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#):
>
> This was going to be my answer, too. An individual sending a card can include a personal note. Group cards end up being signed with more mundane “Good Luck” or “Much Happiness” since there’s not enough space for long wishes.
>
> OK, day late and a dollar short, but what ya gonna do… 😉
Next time. Avoids all those politics and is nicer.
However, you did get the card, and I think that makes it your call on who gets to sign the card.
I think I’d mention to one of your friends not among the elect the situation, and have someone from the office get a second card from everyone. Not that I’d let anyone know I was orchestrating it…but things slip out, you know…and I suspect any friend of yours is Bright enough to put things together.
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### Author:  [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/31 "2012-05-17T16:33:20Z")
I don’t think you should be sending a card. Signed by anyone.
She asked, specifically, for ‘keep it quiet’, then told only a select handful of people. What am I missing?
These two things scream, “Please don’t circulate a card!”. If I were her, I would wonder why that wasn’t clear to y’all.
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### Author:  [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/32 "2012-05-17T17:58:41Z")
In places where I’ve worked, if a group of people didn’t get around to signing a card (they were away/in another office/it just didn’t get to them) someone usually went out and bought another one anyways, and sent it around for those who missed the first one.
So much drama over such an insignificant issue. It’s a card. If the bride can’t appreciate that people are happy that she’s happy, she can throw the damn thing out and mope for the rest of her life. It’s not like they got clowns and balloons and a Macy’s parade float and an airplane to write “Katie’s getting MARRIED!!” across the Manhattan sky in purple glitter smoke.
Though that would be kind of cool to see.
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/33 "2012-05-17T18:10:08Z")
And now the “in crowd” is chipping in to get her a gift, which is idiotic–it will only make \*sure \*that the “untouchables” are made aware that they were not to be told. I am staying as far away from this whole thing as possible.
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### Author:  [@Patience\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patience_Jones)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/34 "2012-05-17T18:18:13Z")
This whole kerfuffle will surely end up destroying your life as you know it!
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/35 "2012-05-17T18:19:27Z")
> [@Patience\_Jones](#):
>
> This whole kerfuffle will surely end up destroying your life as you know it!
I \*hope \*so. My life as I know it _sucks_.
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### Author:  [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)
#### Post date: [May 17, 2012, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/36 "2012-05-17T18:32:49Z")
I guess I’m not really sure why she told anybody about the marriage in the first place. Unless it was an invitation to the wedding or reception, then it sounds like she’s just fishing for gifts.
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### Author:  [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2012, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/37 "2012-05-18T03:54:30Z")
> [@elbows](#):
>
> I don’t think you should be sending a card. Signed by anyone.
>
> She asked, specifically, for ‘keep it quiet’, then told only a select handful of people. What am I missing?
>
> These two things scream, “Please don’t circulate a card!”. If I were her, I would wonder why that wasn’t clear to y’all.
I don’t see how you are connecting the two different concepts. Circulating a card amongst those who already know is not telling anyone. Yeah, people will eventually find out, but in the same way they’ll eventually find out about the marriage.
Unless they are actually passing it at work in front of everyone. But that would be stupid, since you are trying to keep it secret.
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### Author:  [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2012, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/38 "2012-05-18T03:58:42Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#):
>
> I guess I’m not really sure why she told anybody about the marriage in the first place. Unless it was an invitation to the wedding or reception, then it sounds like she’s just fishing for gifts.
Because that’s what friends do. Most people have a natural desire to share their emotions with others. In fact, not doing so is a sign of certain mental disorders in children, like Asperger’s.
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### Author:  [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2012, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/39 "2012-05-18T06:56:31Z")
Send her five cards.
One from the select group.
One from just you.
One from Ellen DeGeneres.
One from some obscure but famous dead person that only you seem to know.
One from Elijah. (if she or the bride is Jewish)
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### Author:  [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2012, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-once-i-have-an-etiquette-question/622202/40 "2012-05-18T07:52:31Z")
Speaking as a shy person who’s getting married, what I would probably mean is “I only told people I would be sure would actually care, I didn’t want to impose on everyone else”, but would be very happy if everyone did decide to get me a card. But it sounds like there’s some specific drama she’s trying to avoid, and I don’t know what’s behind that; getting everyone in the office but two people to sign would probably be worse. (It also depends how big the office is, if six people know out of twelve, that’s a bit embarrassing, but if six people know out of twenty-four, then maybe she just told the people she knows best, which seems perfectly reasonable!)
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