# For some things, satire is superfluous. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 3, 2005, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694 "2005-03-03T02:49:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/1 "2005-03-03T02:49:28Z")
[Sometimes, there’s just no way to make something seem any more ridiculous than it already is.](http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4519090) Ankle bracelets? On all non-citizens seeking residence in the US? What kind of paranoid, 1984-ish crap _is_ this? If I had read this in a novel, I would have considered it a heavy-handed parody of a state gone nuts. I would have rolled my eyes and dismissed it as unbelievable. And, yet, here it is. For real. Like, here. In the US–land of the free, right? What the HELL?! ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/2 "2005-03-03T03:28:36Z")
Just keep repeating to yourself, “if you’ve got nothing to hide, there’s no reason to worry, this is for everyone’s safety and we all need to make a few sacrifices because this is a completely new situation and the old way of doing things just won’t work anymore and it’s not so bad, really, it’s not like anyone’s being hurt by this except the criminals so what are you complaining about?” Say it over and over again for long enough and you’ll begin to believe it or the oxygen will drain from your brain and you’ll pass out. Either way works. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/3 "2005-03-03T05:28:04Z")
> [@Scribble](#): > > Ankle bracelets? On all non-citizens seeking residence in the US? It’s absolutely outrageous. One of the aliens they interviewed in the story not only has a tracking bracelet on, but is effectively subject to house arrest for 12 hours a day, having to be inside his house between the hours of 6pm and 6am _every day_. The other one has to report to a private, government-contracted security firm three times a week, right in the middle of the day. This guy is a manager of a restaurant, who supervises 50 staff in an establishment that feeds 800-900 people a day, and he has to leave that restaurant right in the middle of the lunch rush to report to the security firm. In case you thought the story couldn’t get any more Orwellian, the name of the security company is Behavioral Interventions. Even worse, the Department of Homeland Security representative defending the plan seriously misrepresents the study he claims provides support for the new policy. The DHS rep claims, citing a Justice Department study, that 85% of aliens who are ordered to leave by DHS “bolt.” But the Justice Department study never said that 85% of people abscond; what it said was that 85% of those due to be deported do not get deported, and that a key reason for this is actually due to immigration officials themselves keeping records so shoddy and disorganized that, when the time comes to deport someone, they often can’t even locate the person in question. The Justice Department says no-one knows how many aliens try to cheat the system, and how many are innocent victims of government mismanagement. In many cases, the JD rep says, aliens send in change-of-address forms, but the DHS fails to process the forms properly and so ends up losing track of the immigrant. The audio file is only 9 minutes long; i highly recommend listening to the whole thing. It’s fucking unbelievable the crap that is going on. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/4 "2005-03-03T05:55:37Z")
Count me in the “It’s bat-shit crazy camp.” Add to that the fact that the TSA has now decided that if you try to bring a cigarette lighter or more than 4 packs of matches on a plane, you’re a terrorist, and I’m firmly in the “Please, let the aliens come and kill us all” camp. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/5 "2005-03-03T06:00:35Z")
Anyone else looking forward to Brutus’s attempts to polish this turd? ---
**Author:** ![elfbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b782af/32.png) [@elfbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfbabe)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/6 "2005-03-03T06:45:04Z")
> [@](#): > > Victor Cerda, director of Detention and Removal Operations at Homeland Security, says the anklets will help prevent tens of thousands of immigrants who are ordered to leave the country each year from “absconding” – going into hiding to avoid deportation. Help me out here, guys. When these people go into hiding to avoid deportation, wouldn’t one of the first things they’d do be… REMOVE THE ANKLET? 😕 Anybody who sees a point to this, please let me know. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/7 "2005-03-03T06:51:50Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > Anyone else looking forward to Brutus’s attempts to polish this turd? Why limit it to just **Brutus?** It’s not as if the SDMB is short of batshit crazy Bush apologists, despite all their bleatings about being a persecuted minority. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/8 "2005-03-03T07:27:15Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > Anyone else looking forward… $5 says it will involve the word “teh” and not actually refer to anything in the OP or the referenced article. Bonus points if the word “panties” gets used. ---
**Author:** ![Brutus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Brutus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brutus)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/9 "2005-03-03T08:05:14Z")
If you guys are going to start a fan club, at least pay dues. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/10 "2005-03-03T08:11:33Z")
> [@Sublight](#): > > $5 says it will involve the word “teh” and not actually refer to anything in the OP or the referenced article. Bonus points if the word “panties” gets used. Well, one out of three… you’re still doing better than missile defence. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/11 "2005-03-03T08:21:22Z")
> [@Brutus](#): > > If you guys are going to start a fan club, at least pay dues. Sent. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 9:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/12 "2005-03-03T09:09:25Z")
It may have finally happened. The Bush administration may finally have come up with a policy so ridiculous that even their most ardent supporters are looking this thread over and saying, “Damn, I’m not touching this one. They’re on their own this time.” ---
**Author:** ![Harborwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Harborwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harborwolf)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/13 "2005-03-03T12:01:26Z")
> [@Brutus](#): > > If you guys are going to start a fan club, at least pay dues. Check’s in the mail. Won’t be too hard to spot. It’s the rubber one. > [@elfbabe](#): > > Help me out here, guys. When these people go into hiding to avoid deportation, wouldn’t one of the first things they’d do be… REMOVE THE ANKLET? 😕 Don’t worry, they’ve been rigged to explode if removed or if taken more than 250 yards from the transmitter base. This has to be the dumbest thing I’ve heard since the last really stupid thing that they’ve done. Sadly, it will be replaced by something even dumber within a month. ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/14 "2005-03-03T14:44:26Z")
My favorite part of the story was how the subject of the story (his name escapes me) called his case officer at Behavior Interventions to reschedule his appointment because he had a very important meeting with a regional VP of his restaurant chain. BI wouldn’t budge. Then the GM and RVP called the case officer to stress the need for the guy to reschedule. The officer still wouldn’t budge, because he “needed to learn a lesson.” What lesson was that exactly? How to work his way up, learn English, and become a responsible and productive member of society? Or that you’re an officious prick? ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/15 "2005-03-03T15:00:25Z")
> [@Sublight](#): > > $5 says it will involve the word “teh” and not actually refer to anything in the OP or the referenced article. Bonus points if the word “panties” gets used. Teh panties. Please send me the $5.00. I need the cash. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Scoundrel\_Swanswater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@Scoundrel\_Swanswater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scoundrel_Swanswater)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/16 "2005-03-03T15:32:21Z")
Why do you people hate America? (I can’t believe I am the first!!) ---
**Author:** ![BJMoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@BJMoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BJMoose)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/17 "2005-03-03T15:44:23Z")
Gotta give credit where it’s due: kudos to **Brutus** for showing a sense of humor in this thread (interesting that even e won’t attempt to “polish this turd”). Let’s drink a toast to freedom, boys, while we still can. ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/18 "2005-03-03T15:51:37Z")
Yeah, **Brutus** , I don’t follow your posts, so I don’t have an opinion on you, but that post cracked me up. I heard this story on the air yesterday, and I got my panties in a bunch over that guy who tried to reschedule. Jesus. I mean yeah, they’re letting you stay in the US, but it doesn’t seem like they are making it easy for you to remain gainfully employed. I’m sure these individuals were chosen for the shock value, and I’m willing to entertain there are other sides to the story, but it seems like a little bit of rule bending to fit the situation would be in order. I know, I know, crazy talk… ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/19 "2005-03-03T16:18:36Z")
I do think this is less about the Bush Administration and more about the sorry state of the INS. Of course, the only option is to not reform the INS, but rather to pass more laws to screw up the INS even more. ---
**Author:** ![LibrarySpy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f9ae1b/32.png) [@LibrarySpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LibrarySpy)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694/20 "2005-03-03T16:42:40Z")
Sounds like the only thing we have to fear is efficiency. As usual, the ones who are punished the most are the ones trying to follow the rules. Please join me in a rendition of the Star-Spangled–I mean, God Bless America. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-some-things-satire-is-superfluous/292694.md?page=2)