# For St. Patrick's Day . . . some Irish humor **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 16, 2007, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165 "2007-03-16T07:06:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2007, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/21 "2007-03-16T18:10:06Z")
Pat Murphy is walking through the streets of Belfast at night, when someone grabs him from behind and hold a knife to his throat. “What religion are you?” a voice asks. Pat is terrified, knowing that if he says he’s Catholic and the asssailant is Protestant, his throat will be slit. But if he says he’s Protestant and the assailant is Catholic, his throat will still be slit. Thinking fast, Pat says, “I’m Jewish.” The assailant is silent for a moment, and then chuckles, “Well now, I must be the luckiest Arab in all Ireland.” ---
**Author:** ![hawthorne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@hawthorne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hawthorne)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2007, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/22 "2007-03-17T13:00:07Z")
An Irishman moved to London in the 60s and was looking for work. A mate of his told him to apply for a job on a building site, but warned him that the foreman was a racist bastard and to watch out for his tricks in the interview. So he turns up for the interview, and sure enough, the guy is pretty hostile. He accuses the Irishman of lacking the skills and education required for the job. “I bet you can’t even tell me this, you ignorant Paddy: What’s the difference between a girder and a joist?” The Irishman pauses for a moment, before replying “The former wrote Faust, the latter Ulysses.” ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2007, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/23 "2007-03-17T15:08:53Z")
What’s long and green and has an asshole every 10 feet? St. Patricks Day Parade. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2007, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/24 "2007-03-17T15:22:43Z")
An Irishman fell down a flight of stairs with a full pint of Irish whisky and didn’t spill a drop. He kept his mouth closed. The brewery foreman went to to see Mrs. Flannigan with some bad news. ‘I’m sorry, ma’am, but there’s been an accident. Your husband Seamus has drowned in a vat of beer.’ ‘Oh, the poor man!’ cried Mrs. Flannigan, ‘He never had a chance!’ ‘The truth be told, ma’am, he did get out three times to piss!’ Irish rheumatism: Where you get stiff in all the joints. Okay, okay. I _kid_ the Irish! I don’t mean to imply that the Irish drink to much. But… An Irish friend of mine died and his body was cremated. It took them three days to put out the fire. O’Malley lay on his deathbed, and he smelled the aroma of bacon and cabbage wafting up from the kitchen. He called to his wife asking that she bring a bowl up to him. ‘Sure, and I can’t do that!’ cried his wife, ‘I’m saving it for the wake!’ Irish VD: Where your penis goes to doublin’. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2007, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/25 "2007-03-17T16:58:32Z")
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman go into a pub and each order a beer. Three flies zoom over and land, one in each man’s beer. The Englishman sees the fly in his beer and pushes the beer away. The Scotman sees the fly in his beer, fishes it out, and keeps drinking. The Irishman grabs the fly, holds it over the beer and shakes it, yelling, “Spit it out, ye bastard! Spit it out!” ---
**Author:** ![John\_W.Kennedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_w.kennedy/32/1031_2.png) [@John\_W.Kennedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_W.Kennedy)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2007, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/26 "2007-03-18T14:54:53Z")
The following is from _The Glory of Columbia: Her Yeomanry_, a patriotic musical extravaganza about the American Revolution from the early 1800s. It was written by William Dunlap, with a large part of it taken from his unsuccessful tragedy of 1798, \*[André](http://pws.prswerv.net/jwkennedy/Andre) \*. (Nowadays, _André_ is regarded as America’s first great play – there’s a production running at the [Metropolitan Playhouse](http://www.metropolitanplayhouse.com) in NYC right now – while _The Glory of Columbia_ is forgotten except by a handful of literary scholars.) > [@](#): > > _enter Dennis O’Bogg, with arms and accoutrements as a british soldier—knapsack at his back—sings without._ > > _Song._ > > ``` > There was an irish lad, > Who loved a cloister’d nun; > And it made him very sad, > For what was to be done: > > ``` > > He thought it was a big shame, a most confounded sin, > That she could not get out at all and he could not get in; > Yet he went ev’ry day, he could do nothing more, > Yet he went ev’ry day to the convent door, > And he sung sweetly Smalilou, > Gramachre! and Paddy Whack. > > ``` > To catch a glimpse at her, > He play’d a thousand tricks, > The bolts he tried to stir, > And he gave the wall some kicks: > > ``` > > He stamp’d, and raved, and sigh’d, and pray’d, and many times he swore, > The devil burn the iron bolts—the devil take the door, > Yet he went ev’ry day, he made it a rule, > He went ev’ry day and look’d like a fool, > And he very sweetly sung Smalilou, _&c._ > > ``` > One morn she left her bed, > Because she could not sleep, > And to the window sped, > To take a little peep; > > ``` > > And what did she do then? I’m sure you’ll think it right, > She bade the honest lad good day, she bade the nuns good night; > Tenderly she listen’d to all he had to say, > Then jump’d into his arms, and so they ran away. > And they sung sweetly Smalilou, _&c._ > > _O’Bogg._ Devil burn the fashion, but this trotting with a full knapsack on an empty stomach is apt to make a man’s back ache with hunger. _(takes off the knapsack)_ So, I have supported you long enough—let’s see what you can do to support me. _(sits, opens his pack and takes out some cold boil’d potatoes)_ What, have I nothing left but wall fruit? not a delicate piece of ration beef? or a savory rind of bacon? well, they say hunger makes sauce to a man’s meat. I wonder couldn’t it make meat to his sauce. _(eats)_ > > _enter Paulding, Van Vert, and Williams_ > > _Will._ Who the nation have we got there? a fish out of water! > > _O’Bogg._ And he sweetly sung smalilou, _&c. &c._ > > _Will._ No, dang it, he’s a humming bird. > > _Pauld_. You seize his arms. _(Williams takes possession of Dennis’ musket)_ > > _Van V._ I’m afraid we shall spoil his singing. _(Paulding and Van Vert advance one on each side with bayonets presented towards Dennis’ breast)_ > > _O’Bogg._ “One morn she left her bed, because she could’nt sleep.” _(singing)_ > > _Pauld._ You’re a prisoner! > > _O’Bogg._ _(after looking round with great indifference)_ You may put up your knives and forks, gentlemen, _(pointing to the bayonets)_ the devil of any carving is there to do. > > _Van V._ You are our prisoner! > > _O’Bogg._ Will you ate a potatoe? > > _Will._ Civil enough! have you nothing better for dinner? > > _O’Bogg._ _(rises)_ You may say that; for I ate all the best part of my dinner for breakfast. It’s a trick my daddy learnt me. “Dennis,” says he, for my name’s Dennis O’Bogg, at your sarvice; “Dennis,” says he—I had just then began to nibble at the tail of a salt herring, “Dennis,” says he—— > > _Will._ Your daddy was very fond of your name; what else did he say. > > _O’Bogg._ Always ate the best first, my boy, and you’ll ate the best last. > > _Van V._ Soldier, are you alone? > > _O’Bogg._ I should be sorry to say so much in your presence. But before the company came to dinner, the devil a christian soul was there here but I and the potatoes. > > _Will._ Dang my buttons, this fellow has fun in him—how the nation came you here all alone like a cat in a strange garret? are you a deserter? > > _O’Bogg._ You may say that—saving any imputation on my honor. The short and the long of the story is, I never could be settled in any one place,m but what with whiskey and love it grew too hot for me. So finding how your general Arnold is treated by sir Henry Clinton, at York, with honor and command, I thought I might as well get rid of my little inconveniences, for they will be springing up round an irishman, like mushrooms round a dunghill. > > _Pauld._ What do you mean by little inconveniences? > > _O’Bogg._ O, debts, and children, and wives, and such like articles. So I thought I would come and take a little fresh air in the country here, join your army a bit and claim equal rank. > > _Will._ Rank! ha—ha—ha!—what rank? what the deuce had you to do with rank. > > _O’Bogg._ Rank! ay to be sure! rank and file too! > > _Van V._ We shall be glad of a strong and well equip’d soldier; but before we take you into our mess, we > should be glad to hear you give good reasons for quitting New-York? > > _O’Bogg._ Oh, then you shall have more than one.—First, by mere accident I found I had two wives in the garrison. > > _Will._ Two wives! You needn’t say no more. > > _Pauld._ How did that happen? > > _O’Bogg._ Without the least intention on my part—I had but just got married, t’other day, when my widow came from Letterkenny to seek me. > > _Van. V._ Your widow! how your widow? > > _O’Bogg._ Fait, hadn’t she lost her husband? and doesn’t that make a widow any time? > > _Will._ Now give us your second reason for running away. > > _O’Bogg._ Becase, general sir Henry Clinton gives good encouragement for it. > > _Pauld._ He encourages our soldiers to go and join him, but certainly he doesn’t encourage desertion among his own troops. > > _O’Bogg._ And a’n’t that now the same thing? if it’s as broad as tis long, won’t it be square? if he invites your folks to come to him, doesn’t he invite his own folks to go to you? isn’t that plain now? > > _Pauld._ Not plain enough for my eyes. > > _O’Bogg._ Arrah then put on your spectacles. Talking of spectacles puts me in mind of my mammy. > > _Will._ She wore spectacles, I guess. > > _O’Bogg._ No, she couldn’t; she had no nose. > > _Van V._ How did spectacles remind you of her then? > > _O’Bogg._ Be azy and I’ll tell you. When my brother Teddy was hanging up in a hempen necklace, “oh, what a spectacle!” says my mammy. “Dont blubber and howl so, mammy.” says I, “see they’re just stringing brother Phelim, and then you’ll have a pair of spectacles, and all of your own making.” > > _Will._ And how the dickens comes it they didn’t hang you too? > > _O’Bogg._ Becase, when my two twin brothers broke into the church, I was so drunk I couldn’t go with them. > > _Van V._ You’re a precious fellow. > > _O’Bogg._ You may say that. > > _Will._ What did your brothers go into the church for, Dennis? > > _O’Bogg._ And you may ax that. If they had kept in the way of their parents, as all good and dutiful children ought to do, and only have gone to the ale house, they might have been as pretty boys at this present spaking as our humble servant, Dennis O’Bogg. > > _Van V._ Dennis, are you most knave or foll? > > _O’Bogg._ I believe I’m between both. But if I was to speak the honest truth, to-day—— > > _Van V._ What would you say? > > _O’Bogg._ Something I might be asham’d of to-morrow. > > _Will._ Come, let’s move on to the camp. We’ll carry your arms for you, though. > > _O’Bogg._ Fait and I’d thank you if you’d carry my legs too. I could footnote for ages, but I’ll just point out that loss of the nose is a symptom of advanced syphilis. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2007, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/27 "2007-03-18T15:58:10Z")
[QUOTE=saoirse] Did you know Jesus was Irish? He lived with his mother for 30 years, drank like it was a sacrament, and thought he was God Almighty. [/QUOTE] Way I heard it: He worked in the building trades, he was always telling stories, and his last request was a drink. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2007, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/28 "2007-03-18T21:32:56Z")
Two Irish guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie that said, “O.K., so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I’ve been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I’m burned out.” You guys only get 1 wish and then I’m outta here, so make it a good one." The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!” “Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared. “Great move, Einstein,” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. “Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat!” ---
**Author:** ![Miscue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8491ac/32.png) [@Miscue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miscue)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2007, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/29 "2007-05-28T18:28:26Z")
How many Irishmen to change a lightbulb? Three - one to hold the bulb and the other two to drink until the room spins. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2007, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/30 "2007-05-28T20:22:48Z")
Then there was the Irishman who was on a pilgrimage to Rome, and got so drunk that he kissed his wife, and beat the pope’s foot to a pulp with a coal shovel. What should you do when an Irishman throws a pin at you? Run like Hell! He has a hand grenade in his mouth! JAILED IRA TERRORIST’S LETTER TO HIS WIFE: I hid the machine guns in the back garden. Dig them up and pass them along to my friends. WIFE’S LETTER IN REPLY: The police intercepted your letter. They came and dug up the whole garden and found nothing. What should I do now? IRA TERRORIST: Now plant the potatoes! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2007, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/31 "2007-05-28T20:31:06Z")
An Irishman runs into the church, stows his machine gun under a pew and goes to the confessional. He tells the priest, “Forgive me, Father, for I’ve have sinned. I’ve just blown up twelve miles of English railroad!” The priest replies, “All right, my son. For penance, do the stations!” ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2007, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/32 "2007-05-28T20:32:40Z")
[QUOTE=FlyingDragonFan] “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.” The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?” “Yes, Father, it is.” “And who was the woman you were with?” “Sure and I can’t be telling you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Patricia Kelly?” “I’ll never tell.” “Was it Liz Shannon?” “I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.” “Was it Cathy Morgan?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Fiona McDonald, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.” Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” “Three month’s vacation and five good leads!” says Tommy. [/QUOTE] The way I heard the punchline: “Did Father O’Malley give you absolution?” “No, but he gave me five good leads!” ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2007, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/33 "2007-05-28T20:36:04Z")
There’s a whole subcategory of Irish jokes based on a kind of oxymoron called the “Irishism” or “Irish bull”. E.g.: SEAN TO MARY: Sure, an’ 'tis a fine thing to be along, especially when your sweetheart is with you! PAT TO MIKE (who is visiting America): Well, and how are things in Ireland these days? MIKE: Same as ever. The Protestants live in the north and the Catholics in the south and they’re at each other’s throats as often as not. If only we were heathen so we could all live together like good Christians! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/34 "2007-05-29T00:47:53Z")
Moody’s wife was sick of his drinking. One night when she was expecting him to roll home drunk, she dressed up in a bedspread with a mop across her shoulders and a saucepan on her head. When Moody walked in, drunk, she started dancing around and moaning, “Whoo! Whoo! Moody, ye better stop drinkin’! Ye better stop drinkin’!” Moody said, “Who are you?!” “I’m the Devil! Whooo! Whooo! I’m the Devil!” Moody grinned and stuck out his hand. “Shake hands, I’m married to yer sister!” ---
**Author:** ![Noone\_Special](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/noone_special/32/2863_2.png) [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/35 "2007-05-29T06:27:38Z")
An Englishman and an Irishman are sitting opposite an attractive young woman and her mother on a train. As the train goes into a tunnel, there is the sound of a mouth kissing flesh, then the sound of a fist hitting home… As the train emerges, the Englishman is sitting there with a black eye. What each one is thinking: Mother: “So, the Englishman tried to sneak a kiss at my daughter, huh? Good girl, she showed him!” Young woman: “Heh, the Englishman must have really dug me… and tried to sneak a kiss in the dark. Probably got caught by a lurch and ended up kissing my mother by mistake… \” Englishman: “Sodding Mick must have kissed the nice young lady in the dark, and got the right reaction, too! But I guess she missed her punch and got **me** instead!” Irishman: “There’s another tunnel coming up in a mile… and I’ll kiss my hand again and puff up the blasted Limey’s **other** eye!” ---
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165/36 "2007-05-29T08:31:33Z")
[QUOTE=Noone Special] An Englishman and an Irishman are sitting opposite an attractive young woman and her mother on a train. As the train goes into a tunnel, there is the sound of a mouth kissing flesh, then the sound of a fist hitting home… As the train emerges, the Englishman is sitting there with a black eye. What each one is thinking: Mother: “So, the Englishman tried to sneak a kiss at my daughter, huh? Good girl, she showed him!” Young woman: “Heh, the Englishman must have really dug me… and tried to sneak a kiss in the dark. Probably got caught by a lurch and ended up kissing my mother by mistake… \” Englishman: “Sodding Mick must have kissed the nice young lady in the dark, and got the right reaction, too! But I guess she missed her punch and got **me** instead!” Irishman: “There’s another tunnel coming up in a mile… and I’ll kiss my hand again and puff up the blasted Limey’s **other** eye!” [/QUOTE] A little late, but worth the wait! Thanks! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-st-patricks-day-some-irish-humor/396165.md?page=1)