# For The Sick And Twisted **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 15, 2000, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941 "2000-02-15T01:24:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![TripleAnt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19adc/32.png) [@TripleAnt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TripleAnt)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2000, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/41 "2000-02-15T23:17:00Z")
The monkey stole a school bus in Albany, NY (that’s where I was born, so it makes that much more better). * * * “The idea of a walk-in closet sounds frightening. If I’m ever sittin’ at home and a closet walks in, I’m gettin’ outta there.” ~George Carlin ---
**Author:** ![Surgoshan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Surgoshan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surgoshan)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2000, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/42 "2000-02-16T01:21:00Z")
The monkey taught evolution in a second grade class in Kansas! * * * I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail. ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2000, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/43 "2000-02-16T02:06:00Z")
SqrlCub, you are truly a force of evil. But holy shit! Way to go, El Smasho! Methiks it’s time for the unholy primate to to walk the earth again tonight… * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. ---
**Author:** ![tenspeedjohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/439d5e/32.png) [@tenspeedjohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tenspeedjohn)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2000, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/44 "2000-02-16T02:30:00Z")
The monkey spanks itself. * * * If chickens could pee, they would be wet on the bottom. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2000, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/45 "2000-02-16T04:28:00Z")
Well, I’m on my second game of this. Got picked up in Oregon for violating the fish and wildlife laws (or something like that, I forget exactly) at about 1100 in my first one. Some of my favorites so far (I tried to omit any duplicates): The monkey sells belladonna vitamin supplements in Bakersfield, California. The monkey sells a national forest to a lumber company for clear-cutting in Gresham, Oregon. The monkey stalks a local celebrity in Henderson, Nevada. The monkey breaks into a morgue and steals dozens of gold fillings in Pierre, South Dakota. The monkey feeds speed-laced steak to some lions at a circus in Sierra Vista, Arizona. The monkey steals a police car in Wheeling, West Virginia. (Just because now I’m driving it through every other state.) The monkey runs over an endangered squirrel in Skokie, Illinois. Oh, and I just got on Illinois wanted list: The monkey mugs an elderly man in Burbank, Illinois. The monkey boasts of his crime to an undercover cop posing as a local drug dealer. The monkey is now wanted for felonious assault in the state of Illinois. The monkey feeds Alka-Seltzer to seagulls in Wooster, Ohio. ---
**Author:** ![danielnsmith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c89c15/32.png) [@danielnsmith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danielnsmith)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2000, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/46 "2000-02-16T23:10:00Z")
The monkey proves beyond a doubt that nothing of any interest ever happened in Roswell, New Mexico. The monkey is now wanted for singlehandedly destroying the local tourist trade in the state of New Mexico. (Now wanted for destroying the tourist trade in New Mexico!) The monkey drops bowling balls onto the freeway during rush hour traffic in Gillette, Wyoming. The monkey sets up a 900 number for divorce advice in Tulsa, Oklahoma. SCORE: 10031 The monkey is currently wanted for reckless endangerment in Minnesota, first-degree murder in North Dakota, first-degree murder in South Dakota, violating fish and wildlife regulations in Iowa, reckless endangerment in Illinois, product tampering in Kentucky, product tampering in Indiana, second-degree murder in Pennsylvania, sedition in West Virginia, reckless endangerment in Ohio, fraud in North Carolina, fraud in Georgia, first-degree murder in Tennessee, treason in Texas, singlehandedly destroying the local tourist trade in New Mexico, reckless endangerment in Utah, impersonating an officer in Arizona, reckless endangerment in Nevada, software piracy in Montana, product tampering in Wyoming, petty larceny in Missouri, practicing law without a license in Oklahoma, armed robbery in Arkansas, and a hit-and-run in Mississippi. The monkey drives his stolen school bus from Mississippi to Tennessee. The monkey is pulled over by the Tennessee State Highway Patrol 43 miles from the Mississippi border and arrested for first-degree murder. Game Over. Your final score is 10031, painstakingly earned through 106 flagrant violations of U.S. law. 10031 The patron god of monkey crime – Dan 24 states ---
**Author:** ![kinoons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a698b9/32.png) [@kinoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kinoons)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2000, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/47 "2000-02-17T03:56:00Z")
Monkey carves his face into Mt. Rushmore, and is wanted for vandolism in South Dakota Sweet! * * * knuckle-dragging hose mongerer. SDMB Self-Righteous Clique ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2000, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/48 "2000-02-17T05:35:00Z")
How about this one: **The monkey inundates 207 different newsgroups with ‘MAKE MONEY FAST’ spam in Waterbury, Connecticut.** I think my favorite one is **The monkey drops bowling balls onto the freeway during rush hour traffic in Lovelock, Nevada.** though. * * * Your Official Cat Goddess since 10/20/99. **The monkey inadvertantly inspires several children to pray in a local elementary school in Ashland, Oregon.** ---
**Author:** ![Brood\_McEto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/65b543/32.png) [@Brood\_McEto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brood_McEto)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2000, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/49 "2000-02-17T06:12:00Z")
My two faves: Unloads an AK-47 at an NRA convention in Macon, Georgia Helps an elderly lady _halfway_ across the street in Omaha, Neb. I gotta send this addy out… * * * “Rolling with the dopes you know. Rolling with the wrong gun on you” “I dream that she aims to be the bloom upon my misery” - _I Miss The Girl_ Soul Coughing ---
**Author:** ![SqrlCub](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2000, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/50 "2000-02-17T15:05:00Z")
Just had to add this one: The monkey spikes the local water supply with LSD in Portland, Oregon. A local psychic witnesses the monkey’s crime in a vision and convinces the police to issue an arrest warrant. The monkey is now wanted for reckless endangerment in the state of Oregon HeheehheHUGS! Sqrl ---
**Author:** ![SqrlCub](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2000, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/51 "2000-02-17T15:13:00Z")
Sorry had to add this one too. The monkey steals a white Ford Bronco in Los Angeles, California. The monkey discovers a new way to cheat in a web-based game about a monkey on a crime spree in Minneapolis, Minnesota The monkey is now wanted for gratuitous self-reference in the state of Minnesota. Sqrl ---
**Author:** ![El\_Smasho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f9ae1b/32.png) [@El\_Smasho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Smasho)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2000, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/52 "2000-02-18T06:57:00Z")
I’m surprised no one mentioned this one. Maybe you all have more class than I do, but _my_ personal favorite was: The monkey leaves a loaded handgun on a playground full of children in San Francisco, California. The monkey is now wanted for reckless endagerment in the state of California. It’s priceless. * * * Hey, if it ain’t broke, give ME a shot at it. ---
**Author:** ![SwimmingRiddles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2000, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/53 "2000-02-17T19:19:00Z")
Thanks, John. Now when I’m not wasting time at work on the boards, I’ll be playing this. Productivity, schmoductivity. Favorites include: -starts a riot in Alliance, NE. -Neglects and abuses his pet hampster in Hauvre, MO. -Wins 2nd prize in a beauty contest in \_\_\_\_ (didn’t write it down) - fails to rise for the national anthem before a baseball game in Belgrade, MO. (that one got the friggen’ FBI on my tail…) * * * Habit rules the unreflecting herd. - Wordsworth ---
**Author:** ![MadPoet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8c91f0/32.png) [@MadPoet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadPoet)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2000, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/54 "2000-02-17T20:00:00Z")
The monkey stalks and kills three film students camping in the woods outside Burkittsville, Maryland. ## The monkey is now wanted for contributing to local folklore in the state of Maryland. [http://www.madpoet.com](http://www.madpoet.com) Clerks - Just because they serve you doesn’t mean they like you. ---
**Author:** ![SwimmingRiddles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2000, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/55 "2000-02-17T20:08:00Z")
The monkey rigs numerous Furbys with plastic explosive and donates them to a charity shop in Longmont, Colorado. The monkey confesses his crime to a local priest who, after much moral torment, decides to break the sanctity of confession and report him to the police anyway.The monkey is now wanted for product tampering in the state of Colorado. * * * Habit rules the unreflecting herd. - Wordsworth ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2000, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/56 "2000-02-17T21:23:00Z")
Hey, _my_ monkey scammed a bunch of elderly people out of millions with a pyramid scheme. But for no apparent reason, it continued to travel on foot. “Oh my God - the monkey’s killed Kenny!” ---
**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2000, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/57 "2000-02-17T22:26:00Z")
The monkey buries a big, friendly dog under tons of concrete in Havre, Montana. ---
**Author:** ![PTVroman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bb73d2/32.png) [@PTVroman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PTVroman)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2000, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/58 "2000-02-18T19:31:00Z")
> [@](#): > > The monkey inadvertantly inspires several children to pray in a local elementary school in Franklin, New Hampshire. > > The monkey loosens a few key nuts and bolts from an aircraft stabilizer in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. > > The monkey inundates 207 different newsgroups with ‘MAKE MONEY FAST’ spam in Las Vegas, Nevada. > > The monkey kidnaps and brainwashes a wealthy > heiress in Sparks, Nevada. > > The monkey replaces the coffee with Folgers > crystals at an upscale restaurant in Madison, > Wisconsin. > > The monkey attempts to sell human organs in Santa Fe, New Mexico. > > The monkey feeds speed-laced steak to some lions at a circus in Chicago, Illinois. > > The monkey removes several mattress tags from a furniture store in Red Bank, Tennessee. > > The monkey operates a numbers racket out of a > local church in Newark, New Jersey. > > The monkey bribes poultry inspectors to pass a batch of salmonella-infected chickens in Northampton, Massachusetts. You people are sick! * * * _“The large print givith, and the small print taketh away.”_ Tom Waites, “Step Right Up” ---
**Author:** ![John\_Corrado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a88e4f/32.png) [@John\_Corrado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Corrado)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2000, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/59 "2000-02-19T00:07:00Z")
The monkey secretly loads several rifles with live ammunition at a paintball range in Boise, Idaho. Looks like they’ve updated the crime database. Remember- they take suggestions for new crimes and ways to get caught! * * * JMCJ Winner of the _Mr. & Mrs. Polycarp Award for Literalizing Cliches_ for knowing an actual atheist in a foxhole. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2000, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941/60 "2000-02-19T00:27:00Z")
Wow. That is a sick, sick thing. I love it. Just played my first game. Didn’t get very far, though. Got a little too comfortable in Oregon. I am definitely going to go back for more. Hehehehehehehe… * * * Changing my sig, because Wally said to, and I really like Wally, and I’ll do anything he says, anytime he says to. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-the-sick-and-twisted/13941.md?page=4)