# For those in "open marriages" how do you deal with your SO going on a date? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 29, 2005, 8:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263 "2005-01-29T08:42:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Arwin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/51bf81/32.png) [@Arwin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arwin)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/61 "2005-02-03T13:48:52Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Thanks **kniz**. I was wondering when someone in the know would post something not-so-rosey. It certainly happens, and it’s nice to hear an actual anecdote. (And all I can say about that friend of yours is anyone looking to marry “the wildest whore he knew” prob’ly deserves what he gets. But his kids don’t, and so I’m sorry for them.) > > The worst crash and burn story I know … I have a funny happy counterbalance story to this one, a friend of mine shared it with me. There was a girl who was in an open relationship with a guy. But she wasn’t regular by any means, she was, in fact, exceptionally promiscious, so much so that when she got pregnant, like the example you gave, she wasn’t sure if it was her regular guy, or a close friend of his. Since they got along so well, however, they agreed that the child would simply have two fathers. Not only that, but they went on to convince the parents, al three pairs, to accept this fact, so that the child had three pairs of grandparents. By the time a DNA test became an option (I think that’s still pretty expensive), they were all so happy with the arrangement that they decided not to test at all. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/62 "2005-02-03T14:16:40Z")
Thank you, **Arwin**! That is a great story. ---
**Author:** ![flight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbce88/32.png) [@flight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flight)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/63 "2005-02-03T18:46:54Z")
**WhyNot** , have you or your husband ever had any extracurricular activity with someone else in a poly relationship? How did that work out? I imagine treading lightly with the complex feelings of that many people could be difficult. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/64 "2005-02-03T18:55:42Z")
> [@flight](#): > > **WhyNot** , have you or your husband ever had any extracurricular activity with someone else in a poly relationship? How did that work out? I imagine treading lightly with the complex feelings of that many people could be difficult. Last year I had a deep friendship with a man in an open marriage. While it looked like (and he told me his intent was) we were going to “go there,” he and his wife were really looking for another woman to become part of their family. Because I’m not interested in that, I sort of let things fade away. No problems, per se. Just gently let it be known that that wasn’t a relationship I was lookiing for. WhyDad’s been with several women who also had other partners. It sometimes seems to grate on him a bit, but never caused any major problems. He’s told me he didn’t feel as “connected” to them, but whether that was because they had other partners or it was just a personality thing, I really couldn’t say. But generally speaking, yes, I’d say the more people involved, the more potential for complications. ---
**Author:** ![Mdm.President](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@Mdm.President](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mdm.President)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/65 "2005-02-03T19:18:28Z")
Wait, I got a little lost at that last bit. Your hubby gets annoyed at his other partners having other partners? ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/66 "2005-02-03T19:29:42Z")
> [@Mdm. President](#): > > Wait, I got a little lost at that last bit. Your hubby gets annoyed at his other partners having other partners? Male dominance issues ? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/67 "2005-02-03T19:39:09Z")
> [@Mdm. President](#): > > Wait, I got a little lost at that last bit. Your hubby gets annoyed at his other partners having other partners? I didn’t say he gets annoyed, I said he feels there’s less intense of a connection there. As for why there’s not less of a connection between he and I, neither he nor I can explain it. But it helps to explain why he married me, instead of us just dating. We maintain a strong connection despite my seeing others. I learned years ago not to psychoanalyze the man. That’s his therapist’s job. ---
**Author:** ![Mdm.President](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@Mdm.President](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mdm.President)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/68 "2005-02-03T20:05:27Z")
Ok, I thought by grate on his nerves you meant annoyed, or I just wasn’t comprehending your sentence at all. I didn’t get much sleep last night. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/69 "2005-02-04T13:49:34Z")
> [@Mdm. President](#): > > Ok, I thought by grate on his nerves you meant annoyed, or I just wasn’t comprehending your sentence at all. I didn’t get much sleep last night. I can see that. Perhaps “concern” or even “sometimes worry” would have been better word choices than “grate”. ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/70 "2005-02-04T14:11:58Z")
What was the worst crisis in your open marriage WhyNot ? Was it related to the polyamorous aspect of it ? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/71 "2005-02-04T14:25:19Z")
> [@Rashak Mani](#): > > What was the worst crisis in your open marriage WhyNot ? Was it related to the polyamorous aspect of it ? The worst crisis is one unrelated to the polyamory, and so it’s not relevant to this thread. And I don’t want to answer anyway. 😉 That’s MY therapist’s job! ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/72 "2005-02-04T18:35:29Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > post-college - 2 years. Monogomous, to the best of my knowledge. He broke up with me because I had a nightmare about a good (male) friend being run over by a car and wanted to call him in the middle of the night to make sure he was OK. This was inappropriate, because I “belonged” to my fiance," and the phone call was the sign of a slut. Whatever. I made the phone call, he broke off the engagement. He actually left right then in the middle of the night and I never spoke with him again. I do not take ultimatums well! 😃 (The friend was OK, but en route to the hospital, so there you are.) (completely OT) Wow, that’s a great story. So the friend had actually been hurt? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/73 "2005-02-04T19:35:35Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > (completely OT) Wow, that’s a great story. So the friend had actually been hurt? (completely OT reply) Yes, but not badly, surprisingly enough. Jason got a flat tire on the shoulder of the highway and was changing it when his car was sideswiped. His car fell off the jack or something, and pushed him over and crushed his foot under the wheel. He was able to call an ambulance on his cell, and all was well under control by the time I called him. But it was still pretty freaky. He was changing the passenger side tire on the right side shoulder, and the car never stopped, so the driver may not have even known he injured someone. Or he was an ass and drove off anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263/74 "2005-02-04T20:01:13Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > The worst crisis is one unrelated to the polyamory, and so it’s not relevant to this thread. And I don’t want to answer anyway. 😉 That’s MY therapist’s job! oh sorry… didn’t want details… just wanted to know if the poly aspect made for extra couple crisis… or not. :smack: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/for-those-in-open-marriages-how-do-you-deal-with-your-so-going-on-a-date/287263.md?page=3)