# Forget Monkey Sex..... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 17, 2001, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373 "2001-03-17T14:27:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![dpr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dpr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dpr)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/1 "2001-03-17T14:27:37Z")
It’s Saturday night and I’m sitting here by myself\* and just when I think my social life can sink no lower IRL, fate once again tweaks my nose as if to prove a point. I’ve just sat and watched the mating rituals of octopii. More pertinant to my need to share it with you all is that I actually found myself watching fascinated. Now I know at first you’d think we as humans have nothing in common with the octopus sex drive (though I have female friends who swear they’ve met guys who seem to have eight hands) but truth is indeed stranger than fiction. I ended up enthralled by the habits which seemed to mirror our own bizarre sexual checklist. I chuckled as the male octopus sensed the female in her lair and “came a callin’.” He did this by standing at a distance that could be termed polite. She, in the best of female form, pretended to be oblivious to him (despite being down ‘wind’) and cleaned her area in a good domesticated imitation. I watched expectantly as the male did the posture thing, whirling his tentacles like mini helicopters and possibly releasing pheremones. And in the finest of mating traditions… she continued to play hard to get. In fact it was quite some time before she finally signified she had noted his presence let alone his interest (she did this by stretching out to - standing tall so to speak, as if showing off her body). Just as our little romeo was about to move in however, the tides bought in a casual passerby who also took an interest in our sultry seabound seductress. Yes, enter the Other octoGuy (henceforth known as the Groper Interloper - GI for short). Our hero of course responded as all males would. He confronted this interloper in an attempt to establish his territory. With the prospect of tentacle hentai on hand however, GI wasn’t ready to abandon this particular port just yet. The two males faced off and postured in front of each other, drawing themselves up to their full ‘heights’ trying to intimidate the other, and when that didn’t work resorted to the time-honoured flexing of tentacles, competing to see who had the largest suckers (I really am NOT making this up). Yes it seems even male octopii think size matters. All the while the little hussy of an octopussy just watched on - no doubt doing the multi-limbed version of batting her eyelids and giggling “oh y’all are fightin’ over lil ol’ me?” Finally our Bassanova wins out, banishing GI who flees with his tail between all of his legs. I quivered as the triumphant hero returned to claim his spoils. It WAS interesting to see the hesitant nature of his approach though. Do octopii also have insecurities and fear of rejection? It certainly seemed so as he tentatively edged forward, extended, hesitated and repeated the process. Finally he was within reach and he very slowly extended his very long hectagolis (?) through which he would insert the sperm. She - no doubt tired after all this sitting around passively flirting - consented by the merest twitch as she opened the appropriite passage. Still tentative, he slowly slid into her (to my cheers of ‘yeah baby’) and they sat there, with his sperm pumping into her. I watched spellbound as the waterlogged porn soundtrack washed over them. This is when I learnt - via the quite excited voyeuristic announcer - not only are these octopii very promiscuous but that they can do the actual penetration thing for hours. Sadly however our boy must not have had the right stuff or couldn’t find the right button (another case for similarities perhaps). Or perhaps she developed a headache. Whatever the reason, after only a few minutes she suddenly just ups and starts moving off. Worse still for the slimy suitor is the fact that’s he’s still attached and is dragged along unceremoniously in her wake. I sighed as - after a struggle to regain balance - he finally detached himself and left very quickly: no doubt struggling to come to terms with the rejection. He will probably retire to a sand bar where he will attempt to ruin the reputation of the gal octopuss by calling her easy. I could offer some insightful comments on our own rituals or make some further observations on whether insecurities exist in nature. I could continue making bad jokes and attempting to anthromorphise these suckers however all I’m going to say is: Yes, I may not have a life… but at least I’m not being pulled along the ocean floor by my penis. - long but strangely happy story (and unrelated) ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/2 "2001-03-17T15:30:38Z")
This is definately SIG material… " I may not have a life… but at least I’m not being pulled along the ocean floor by my penis. " Do I hear any bids? ---
**Author:** ![Totoro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Totoro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Totoro)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/3 "2001-03-17T15:37:55Z")
Ever been pulled a long by a tow truck by your genitals? OWWWWWWWW! But goddamn, that is weird. ---
**Author:** ![porcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ac91a4/32.png) [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/4 "2001-03-17T16:01:20Z")
Damn, **dpr**. And I thought I was sad and pathetic for watching “The Princess Bride” all my myself on a Friday night. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![gorkamorka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/87869e/32.png) [@gorkamorka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gorkamorka)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/5 "2001-03-17T16:21:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Feynn \* > \*\*This is definately SIG material… > > " I may not have a life… but at least I’m not being pulled along the ocean floor by my penis. " > > Do I hear any bids? \*\* I’ll take it! ---
**Author:** ![TruePisces](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/truepisces/32/13628_2.png) [@TruePisces](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruePisces)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/6 "2001-03-17T16:28:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Totoro \* > **Ever been pulled a long by a tow truck by your genitals? > OWWWWWWWW!** I worked for a motor club for three years, and that’s probably the only one I **haven’t** heard… ---
**Author:** ![AETBOND417](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@AETBOND417](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AETBOND417)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/7 "2001-03-17T16:32:15Z")
Hold up there **Gorkamorka** , you best be attributing that quote to the author. I smell the plagiarism police already. ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/8 "2001-03-17T17:10:01Z")
gorkamorka - you’ll take it when you can make the best bid for it, and get dpr’s permission to use said SIG. As is the custom I’ll take 10% of the bid as my fee and pass the rest along to dpr… Can I have an opening bid? Cash is always good but I’m sure dpr will accept anything of value. I’ve got some pocket lint… vintage stuff by the looks of it too… Beat that! ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/9 "2001-03-17T17:31:56Z")
Who needs porn when you have nature documentaries 😃 Robin ---
**Author:** ![ramesh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d07c76/32.png) [@ramesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ramesh)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/10 "2001-03-17T17:56:31Z")
I did something that was much more exciting on Friday night. I slept for a whole _twelve_ hours!!! Hah! I am better than you!!! ---
**Author:** ![Erika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/47e85d/32.png) [@Erika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Erika)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/11 "2001-03-17T19:09:32Z")
Hmm…I was gaming…which while slightly more social that watching octopi have sex, is probably just as sad. And I do approve of the sig line. But I’ve got one of my own already. And, of course, lack a penis. ---
**Author:** ![gorkamorka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/87869e/32.png) [@gorkamorka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gorkamorka)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/12 "2001-03-17T22:14:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AETBOND417 \* > \*\*Hold up there **Gorkamorka** , you best be attributing that quote to the author. I smell the plagiarism police already. \*\* Is this better? ---
**Author:** ![porcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ac91a4/32.png) [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/13 "2001-03-17T22:50:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gorkamorka \* > Is this better? \*\* Not much. You might want to, you know, actually put quotation marks around it. It’s also customary get the author’s ok unless it’s a board idiot like JDT. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2001, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/14 "2001-03-17T23:19:35Z")
Hot damn Octopussy! What? Someone had to say it. :d& r:😃 ---
**Author:** ![porcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ac91a4/32.png) [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2001, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/15 "2001-03-18T16:55:30Z")
Just wondering if you had an update for us, **dpr**. Have you viewed more invertebrate porn so you can provide a review for us? Squid, jellyfish, sea cucumbers, perhaps? Or maybe you have moved on to unusual vertebrate sex, such as [porcupines](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_207.html). 😃 [sub]Actually, I am just bumping this thread cause I laughed so hard reading the OP, I wanted to give others the opportunity to read it who might have missed it earlier.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2001, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/16 "2001-03-18T17:27:57Z")
Porcupine, How could you post that and not use your sig from DRY? ---
**Author:** ![porcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ac91a4/32.png) [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2001, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/17 "2001-03-18T17:49:06Z")
**lurker** , you’re right, how silly of me. **dpr** , please feel free to expound on your porcupine sex thoughts. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2001, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/18 "2001-03-18T19:20:36Z")
Ooooo Porcupine, you insatiable, inexhaustable wench you. You go girl. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![bare](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bare/32/471_2.png) [@bare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bare)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2001, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/19 "2001-03-18T19:40:04Z")
How do I miss all the great movies when they come out? ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2001, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/forget-monkey-sex/58373/20 "2001-03-18T20:13:29Z")
…just one more thing - does porcupine taste like chicken?