# Formalities in language among friends **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 31, 2008, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/formalities-in-language-among-friends/470363 "2008-10-31T01:49:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2008, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/formalities-in-language-among-friends/470363/21 "2008-11-04T16:44:40Z")
> [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](#): > > It’s interesting for me to see how many people view dropping the “please” from requests or “thanks” from pleasantries as less polite. To me, that sort of (mild) overpoliteness strikes me as a bit odd at best or a little rude/condescending at worst. I think that the closer I am with a person, the less I have to worry about acting differently than I would act were I alone. I’m the same way. Even hugging or kissing a friend hello is weird. Occasionally I’ll be making my way down a line of kisses goodbye and get to a ‘best’ friend only to have him or her say, ‘Wait, we don’t do this.’ If anything, we load on the insults at every occasion. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2008, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/formalities-in-language-among-friends/470363/22 "2008-11-04T18:34:19Z")
1. US, 40 2. Yes. 3. Yes. > [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](#): > > It’s interesting for me to see how many people view dropping the “please” from requests or “thanks” from pleasantries as less polite. To me, that sort of (mild) overpoliteness strikes me as a bit odd at best or a little rude/condescending at worst. I think that the closer I am with a person, the less I have to worry about acting differently than I would act were I alone. I see it as wanting to be nicest to the people that I’m closest to. ---
**Author:** ![5-HT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/f19dbf/32.png) [@5-HT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5-HT)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2008, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/formalities-in-language-among-friends/470363/23 "2008-11-04T19:41:18Z")
1. 30, USA 2. not always, but usually 3. In most cases yes, but no, not with friends ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2008, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/formalities-in-language-among-friends/470363/24 "2008-11-04T20:05:16Z")
American, 40. I say thanks no matter who, but sometimes it’s delayed if it’s someone who wouldn’t necessarily expect it and who wouldn’t be offended if I didn’t. “Fine thanks” is less common than “Fine, how are you”, which is an equivelant give and take in my mind. I would definitely say ‘Please pass the salt’ or append please on requests, even of friends. I might it a whiny or jokey please but it’s there. ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/formalities-in-language-among-friends/470363/25 "2008-11-05T03:10:42Z")
Hm, there aren’t a ton of responses here, but it does seem to divide along both an American vs virtually everywhere else line and an over/under 30(ish) line. And I guess an American north/south line. The lines obviously aren’t universal, but I guess I thought I’d get more people in here saying that there’s no way they’d say that with friends in general. I get that some people see it as being polite/kind/nice to those you care most about, but I’m just a bit surprised that there weren’t more people coming from the same general direction I am. I see it sort of from the people who say they use “please” in a joking tone or manner, or shorten it with friends. That’s from the same place I was talking about. It’s just interesting that certain societies or sections of societies allow for the formal please/thank you to be shortened but never quite dropped. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/formalities-in-language-among-friends/470363/26 "2008-11-05T12:26:15Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > I’m the same way. Even hugging or kissing a friend hello is weird. Occasionally I’ll be making my way down a line of kisses goodbye and get to a ‘best’ friend only to have him or her say, ‘Wait, we don’t do this.’ If anything, we load on the insults at every occasion. I have a friend who’s been known to answer his cell with a “wh’as up, you sonabitch?” when the phone said it was a friend calling, but he’ll ask the same friend to “passa cookies plez.” It’s just automatic, like breathing - we don’t think about it, it’s not an extra effort. It’s not formal. Formal would be “please, pass the cookies.” The tone of voice is completely different. Heck, the posture would be the first thing that’s completely different: that guy is the classical 6’4" beanpole who looks like a shawl dropped on a chair when he’s among friends but sits perfectly straight when not. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Gadai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@An\_Gadai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Gadai)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/formalities-in-language-among-friends/470363/27 "2008-11-05T17:48:06Z")
> [@Hrududu](#): > > 1. Ireland, 30. > 2. Always > 3. Always, would be rude not to. > Thats something I’ve noticed too. You never really hear “Sir” or “Madam” over here. I have an American friend who used to call his father “Sir” which I found very strange. Also strange was visiting the US this year and having everyone call me “M’am.” It took me a while to realise they were talking to me, it just felt so odd and kind of chilling for some reason. I sometimes use sir, never ever “m’am”, it’s too close to mam, as in mammy or ma. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Sonnenstrahl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Sonnenstrahl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sonnenstrahl)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2008, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/formalities-in-language-among-friends/470363/28 "2008-11-05T19:22:30Z")
Canadian, age 24. I think the big reason I don’t say “fine, thanks” when a friend asks me how I am is that that’s the generic answer you give to the grocery store cashier. (Actually, I tend to say, “Good, and you?” really quickly, but anyway.) When friends ask me, I give a short but real answer, and then I ask them and expect a real answer. If a good friend said “fine thanks” to me, I would assume something was up and she was lying. I do say please and thanks among friends and family. I get really annoyed when my father doesn’t say please to my mother and I - it smacks of ordering the woman-folk around. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2008, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/formalities-in-language-among-friends/470363/29 "2008-11-06T00:32:59Z")
1. What country are you from, and how old are you? 31 years in US, followed by 40 in Canada 1. Do you say “thanks” with (all/most) pleasantries? No, I nearly always respond to “How are you?” with “Fine, and you.” Thanks would seem irrelevant to me. Also see below for an exception. 1. Hi, Obama! ??? No, I would say, “How are you Mr. President?” (I know he is not president, but I am not sure what the proper mode of address is. Perhaps, “How are you, senator” is best. 1. Do you say “please” with (all/most) requests? Like, “Please pass the salt.” Yes I do. When the phone rings, usually at dinner time and someone whose voice I don’t recognize says, “How are you tonight?”, I often reply, “State your business!” in a most unfriendly tone. ---
**Author:** ![amarone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@amarone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarone)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2008, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/formalities-in-language-among-friends/470363/30 "2008-11-06T04:13:17Z")
1. English, 49 2. Yes 3. Yes [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/formalities-in-language-among-friends/470363.md?page=1)