# Found out my dad is drinking again after being sober 20 years..... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 29, 2011, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474 "2011-11-29T18:40:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2011, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/1 "2011-11-29T18:40:27Z")
Some background, my dad drank heavily until I was about 17 and he got arrested for his final DUI. He stopped that next day and didn’t pick up alcohol again until recently. We’ve been estranged for almost two years because of ongoing mental and emotional abuse that has carried into my adulthood. I finally had enough of the abuse and walked away and haven’t looked back. He is the type of person who has no filters, but says every ugly thing that comes into his head. He has no restraint, can’t control his temper no matter what is going on. We could have a house full of guests on Christmas, but if he got mad he’d throw the fit in front of everyone. And this was “sober.” He never went to treatment, no AA, just white knucked it for years and years, and it was very clear through his mental state and outlook that he has been a deeply troubled person who is unwilling to admit a need for help of any kind. And let me emphasize how terribly he treated me, and not just me, really, all of my siblings and people he’s worked with, just everyone. I would bet most people have never even been talked to once the way my dad talked to me and my siblings every day of our lives. Up until I walked away, I would have racing heartrate, etc, just when my phone would ring. It didn’t even have to be him. Just the worry that he was pissed and going to get mad over something was enough to give me panic. But luckily, I have been able to get completely past that stress now that he’s not in my life. Over the holiday, my sister was over and was telling me that our dad has been drinking again. You’d have to understand how stubborn and self-righteous he is about his “sobriety” and his attitude that because he could quit, anyone should be able to walk away from an addiction. It’s alarming to me that he’s suddenly going out to the bars in their small town, partying with friends of my younger brothers, and his employees, etc. I’m trying really hard to explain to my mom that him doing this after 20 years is a major sign of something wrong with him mentally (more than he already is). To me, it says, “Fuck it. I just don’t give a shit anymore,” which is an incredibly dangerous attitude to have, IMO. What do you all think? What would you say the mental state is of someone like this? I’m really concerned about this, but I don’t know what to say to my mom to get her to understand what this could mean. ---
**Author:** ![Bloodless\_Turnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@Bloodless\_Turnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bloodless_Turnip)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2011, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/2 "2011-11-29T18:46:01Z")
Are you familiar with the term “dry drunk”? That’s what he sounds like to me. It may be he’s convinced himself that he can handle it now, rather than something more sinister. Of course, he won’t be able to, but he won’t listen. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2011, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/3 "2011-11-29T19:51:02Z")
> [@Indygrrl](#): > > I’m trying really hard to explain to my mom that him doing this after 20 years is a major sign of something wrong with him mentally (more than he already is). To me, it says, “Fuck it. I just don’t give a shit anymore,” which is an incredibly dangerous attitude to have, IMO. > > What do you all think? What would you say the mental state is of someone like this? He is an alcoholic. Just because he has been sober for 20 years does not make him less of an alcoholic. Now, there could certainly be circumstances that triggered him to begin drinking again, but it is not necessarily mental illness. It could be as simple as his desire to drink became stronger than his desire to stay sober. I am an alcoholic, and I have been sober 14 years, but there is not a day goes by without thinking about drinking. I am not strong enough to quit drinking forever, but I can quit drinking for one day; and for now, that is good enough. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2011, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/4 "2011-11-29T20:13:07Z")
**Indygrrl** , consider Al-Anon for yourself. It’s not for everyone, but it can help you in devising strategies for coping with his substance abuse and minimizing its toxic effects on your life. ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2011, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/5 "2011-11-29T21:20:39Z")
From my experience with family alcoholism, family members have a way of overstating “drinking” with becoming a problem drinker, for those members of the family with a history of being lushy. It’s possible he has too much every now and then, or has a few beers a night, or its possible he overconsumes habitually with negative consequences. No way to tell without observing him for a good long while or at least seeing if he was withdrawal when abstaining. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2011, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/6 "2011-11-29T21:23:40Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > He is an alcoholic. Just because he has been sober for 20 years does not make him less of an alcoholic. He hasn’t been sober at all – he’s been dry. Big difference. A drunk is a drunk, whether or not booze is involved. Second the suggestion that you check out Al-Anon. There are people who there who will be happy to share their experience, strength, and hope with you. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Doom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Dr\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Doom)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2011, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/7 "2011-11-29T21:34:16Z")
Tell her to go to Al-Anon IMMEDIATELY. She can train herself to survive. But it isn’t easy. A lot of people sometimes make fun of self-help books, or seeing a therapist, or counselling, but I can tell you 100% that Al-Anon will help her, if she believes in herself. Books, counsellors, therapists are a hit-and-miss proposition because there are many that simply are ‘making a living’, and aren’t necessarily effective. You should also strongly consider this avenue, should you begin to be affected by the substance-abuse problems of someone you love. Good Luck. ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/8 "2011-11-30T00:27:45Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > he’s been dry. Big difference. A drunk is a drunk, whether or not booze is involved. I got to know – I’ve heard this term dry drunk, but isn’t that just the same as being a sober asshole? I don’t want to detract from the OP’s legitimate concern and whatever problems she might be having, but since there is a lot of theory about alcoholism (I don’t know what the medical term is) here, I thought a little aside clarification wouldn’t be out of place. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/9 "2011-11-30T04:53:46Z")
> [@Jaledin](#): > > I got to know – I’ve heard this term dry drunk, but isn’t that just the same as being a sober asshole? Strictly speaking, it refers to an alcoholic who has stopped drinking but declined to obtain any treatment for whatever issues may have catalyzed the substance abuse. ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/10 "2011-11-30T07:02:06Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > Strictly speaking, it refers to an alcoholic who has stopped drinking but declined to obtain any treatment for whatever issues may have catalyzed the substance abuse. So, basically, he or she is just a little (or a lot) mental? So someone who has never been an habitually excessive drinker but has mental problems is technically a “dry drunk,” too, right? Just trying to understand, believe me – I have no agenda whatsoever. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 8:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/11 "2011-11-30T08:57:58Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > He hasn’t been sober at all – he’s been dry. :rolleyes: Is there anyone besides Anonymous Alcoholics who thinks that the word sober means anything other than “not intoxicated”? ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 9:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/12 "2011-11-30T09:02:11Z")
I’m sorry, **Indygrrl** , for your mom and the rest of your family. This isn’t a good thing. I have no advice. Your dad doesn’t sound like the kind of guy who is going to listen to anyone. I hope there is some way your mother can protect herself. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 10:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/13 "2011-11-30T10:21:46Z")
**Jaledin** , dry drunk is an AA label specifically. It doesn’t mean “mental”, it basically means someone who has quit drinking but hasn’t accepted it and is angry. > **[Overcoming Dry Drunk Syndrome or PAWS](https://www.verywellmind.com/dry-drunk-syndrome-63281)** > > Post-acute withdrawal syndrome, aka dry drunk syndrome, can be a challenge for someone recovering from alcohol addiction, but it's not insurmountable. Or it just means someone who’s a jerk whether they’re drinking or not, aka a sober asshole which could well be the case with the OP’s dad. I’m thinking more the latter, going by the OP. **Indygrrl** , I have no clue what’s going on in your dad’s head (and maybe he doesn’t either.) Could be he just decided he’d been sober long enough and thinks he can now handle or control his drinking. You didn’t mention any specific problems he’s had as a result of drinking, although going out to bars with your brother’s friends doesn’t seem very mature. Could he be having an affair, or thinking about it? ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/14 "2011-11-30T12:21:44Z")
This really isn’t advice, but just a suggestion. If your father’s drinking is really that distressing to you, you might check out [Al-Anon](http://al-anon.alateen.org). ---
**Author:** ![Bloodless\_Turnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@Bloodless\_Turnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bloodless_Turnip)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/15 "2011-11-30T15:00:48Z")
A dry drunk is an alcoholic who exhibits the same insane characteristics when sober as they do when drinking. ---
**Author:** ![elninost0rm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ed655f/32.png) [@elninost0rm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elninost0rm)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/16 "2011-11-30T15:34:26Z")
Can always count on \*\*ACM \*\* to pop up in these threads. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/17 "2011-11-30T21:50:06Z")
> [@elninost0rm](#): > > Can always count on \*\*ACM \*\* to pop up in these threads. Just like **Twicks** , huh? In any case, I think this is only my second alcoholism thread and I wouldn’t have posted anything had she not dropped that turd in here. ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/18 "2011-11-30T22:53:33Z")
> [@Bloodless\_Turnip](#): > > A dry drunk is an alcoholic who exhibits the same insane characteristics when sober as they do when drinking. So they’re just plain insane, is what I’m getting from this. I’m making the assumption that they don’t slur their words or try to have gay/straight sex (depending on “orientation”) or go all Scooby for a sip of liquor. I’m just having trouble seeing the usefulness of the term “dry drunk” – it seems evident to me that most drunks have some mental issues, whether they are self-medicating, or reasons for getting to the point of being physically addicted. Some drunks, I’ll admit, have benign resigns for overconsuming – they just like to feel “happy” and take it too far and literally need to keep consuming to stave off the very real pain of withdrawal. ---
**Author:** ![Bloodless\_Turnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@Bloodless\_Turnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bloodless_Turnip)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/19 "2011-11-30T23:00:16Z")
No. From an article on dry drunks: > [@](#): > > When we say that somebody is a dry drunk we usually mean that they are behaving in much the same way as they did as an addict. They may not be actually ingesting alcohol but in many other ways it is business as usual. This is a dangerous type of behavior for reformed addicts because a dry drunk syndrome can easily lead to a real return to addiction. > > Dry drunk symptoms > > - Frequent anger outbursts > > - Self-pity > > - Resentment about being classed as an addict > > - Denial about the extent of their former addiction problems > > - Secretive behavior > > - Isolating themselves from other people > > - Manipulative behavior > > - Blaming > > - Looking for evidence that they can drink safely again > > - Spending time in bars in an attempt to recapture the “good old days” > > - Romancing the drink - thinking about the good times drinking > > - Losing interest in hobbies > > - Constantly complaining about recovery > > The above dry drunk symptoms are only a selection of the possible behaviors exhibited by someone in the midst of this syndrome. Just because people exhibit some of these dry drunk symptoms does not necessarily mean anything; we all have bad days. A dry drunk is a pattern of behaviors over a period of time. A dry drunk has stopped the drinking but remains in the drinking mindset they’ve developed over many years. For most, it takes more than simply removing the alcohol. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474/20 "2011-11-30T23:28:11Z")
> [@Bloodless\_Turnip](#): > > No. > > From an article on dry drunks: > > A dry drunk has stopped the drinking but remains in the drinking mindset they’ve developed over many years. For most, it takes more than simply removing the alcohol. Just to reiterate - this is from AA or an AA-centric or friendly website, right? To clarify, “dry drunk” is not a diagnosis or official term in any way. It’s simply an insulting AA term for someone who is sober, but for some reason or another, has an attitude about it. AA has done a shitload of good for many people but they and their methods are not the only game in town. Other recovery modules (Rational Recovery, SMART Recovery) would simply classify a “dry drunk” as “a sober asshole, also an asshole when drunk.” Rather than labeling any asshole who didn’t get with the program as a “dry drunk” which BTW is a major perjorative in AA-speak. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/found-out-my-dad-is-drinking-again-after-being-sober-20-years/604474.md?page=2)