# Fractured Movie Titles **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 22, 2005, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961 "2005-05-22T16:51:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/1 "2005-05-22T16:51:44Z")
The following are some silly bendings of OLD movie titles, giving new descriptions. _ALL ABOUT STEVE_: Ambitious male stripper plots to take over Chippendales. _ALONG CAME THE JONES_: Father Shaft is unable to keep his vow of celibacy. _ANTHONY AND CLEOPATRICK_: Weird Roman finds love with Irish transsexual. _BEEN-HER_: Dramatization of the life of Rue Paul. _BLAZING PADDLES_: Bondage master rides into western town. _BLOOD AND SAND_: Sabatini’s pirate romances Chopin’s butch girlfriend. _CONAN THE LIBRARIAN_: Muscle-bound bookworm moves volumes from shelves to stacks without a cart. _DANCING IN THE ARK_: In this musical, Noah and family while away the hours on the ballroom floor (after much sweeping and mopping). _DAY OF THE JACKIE_: Suddenly, all comedy clubs in America are headlined by comics called “Jackie.” Sequel to “Day of the Shecky.” _THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILLER_: Jerry and Anne take their act from the Catskills to the Big Apple. _ENTER THE DRAG QUEEN_: Another Bruce battles the evil master of a sequin cartel. _FLUSH GORDON_: Emperor Ming controls Planet Mongo by taxing the only toilet that works; until a young plumber from Earth. . . _FORBIDDEN PLANT_: Leslie Nielsen, Anne Francis and Walter Pigeon discover they don’t need a rocket to visit outer space. _GUNGA’S DINER_: Neighborhood Indian restaurant curries favor with people who favor curries. _I’M NO ANGLE_: Arc joins circle of friends for discussion, but no one can come to a point. _MATA HARVEY_: Seven-foot invisible rabbit engages in espionage long before meeting up with Elwood P. Dowd. _MEN OF SURE WEIRD FOREST_: Fellows in tights and jerkins cavort in English thickets. They walk in the woods, too. _SILENT RUNNY_: Old man suffers post-nasal drip without comment. _RETURN OF THE JED_: Mountaineer Clampett resumes residence in Beverly Hills after Granny’s passing because his kinfolk, none of whom can stand him, convince him that “Californy is still the place he ought to be.” _SUPERMANNY_: Emanuel Kent, weakened by Kryptonite, misses the mark slightly when he publishes his “Critique of Pure Raisin.” _VILLAGE OF THE DARNED_: Tiny backwoods hamlet has had no new socks in generations. _THE YEAR OF LEAVING DANGEROUSLY_: Mel Gibson stars as a roué who always exits married lover’s boudoir through a thirteenth-story window. I’m sure some of you can come up with more current titles to warp in the same way. Go for it! ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/2 "2005-05-22T17:11:40Z")
NEVER FINDINGLAND: The story of the Flying Dutchman. ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/3 "2005-05-22T17:21:04Z")
**Overbored** : A rich bitch almost falls off a boat, and blames the cook. **The Passion of the Chris** : An Apprentice candidate cries, and screams that he’s not gay. **The Wizard of Og** : A young girl from Kansas joins a cult. **Star Drek** : The Start Trek Enterprise crew makes a movie. **Star Warts** : Lucas forgets his promise to just say no next time. **Taxi Drivel** : A psychotic man on a mission makes confessions from the back seat. **Donnie and Clyde** : A gay couple robs banks. ---
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/4 "2005-05-22T17:55:30Z")
😃😃😃😃😃 Great! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/5 "2005-05-22T19:39:13Z")
**Kingdom of Steven:** Segal converts from Buddhism to Catholicism, decides to revive the Crusades, and conquers Israel and Palestine single-handed. **The Scorpion Fling:** The Rock experiments with a whole new, and exceptionally dangerous, form of bestiality. **Star Wars: Revenge of the Syph:** Mental effects of untreated venereal disease drive Anakin Skywalker to the Dark Side. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/6 "2005-05-22T20:38:29Z")
> [@DesertGeezer](#): > > _BLAZING PADDLES_: Bondage master rides into western town. Or: _Blazing Paddles_: Western town is thrown into chaos with announcement that Pong tournament will be held there. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/7 "2005-05-22T20:40:47Z")
**The Ex-Men:** The story of an all-transgendered mutant crimefighting team. **Debbie Does Daleks:** Porn spinoff from _Dr. Who._ **Midnight Ploughboy:** The tragic misadventures of an Amish gigolo. ---
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/8 "2005-05-22T22:34:50Z")
This is fun. You guys are great! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/9 "2005-05-22T22:51:13Z")
First three Star Trek movies… **Star Trek I: The Lotion Picture** – The Enterprise delivers cosmetics and ointments to outlying planets **Star Trek II: The Wrath of Han** – The Millenium Falcon does battle with the Enterprise over which franchise is best **Star Trek III: The Search for Spork** – Kirk, in the lunchroom, desperately seeks a plastic utensil. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/10 "2005-05-22T23:04:24Z")
**The Last HamOnRye;** Tom Cruise plays the owner of a Deli going out of buisness **The Plastic Giant** ; A documentary about the search for a porn star with just the right “talent” **The Vibarator** ; Same movie as above, different cast, total rip off **Puce Almighty** Jim Carrey plays a gay decorator with a strange obsession **Saving Ryans Privates** John Bobbit plays in a movie loosely based on his own life story. **American Booty** A documentary from the producers of Girls gone wild. **Pretending your Life** Albert Brooks plays a man who has to convince Meryl Streep he’s in love with her. hmmmm is it my imagination or are these getting worse? **The Green Smile** Tom Hanks plays a man with Horrible dental hygiene **Forest Dump** Hunters find themselves in dire straights when they are miles away from a bathroom with no toilet paper. **AmIDad** Matthew McConaughey defends a runaway slave only to discover its his father. **The Last Emporers Club Strikes Back** Former Chinese Rulers enlist the help of a gifted professor to create a light sabre and regain control of China. Fiction ---
**Author:** ![Stark\_Raven\_Mad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Stark\_Raven\_Mad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stark_Raven_Mad)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/11 "2005-05-22T23:06:50Z")
**Casablanka** – Crazed green electric monster is loosened upon Nazi-occupied Morocco. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/12 "2005-05-22T23:12:17Z")
**A Mighty Awful WInd** A group of folk singers strive to overcome a severe flatulance problem ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/13 "2005-05-22T23:16:23Z")
**Mr Hollands Orifice ;** Richard Drefus plays a music teacher plagued with hemroids ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/14 "2005-05-22T23:21:12Z")
**Bennies and Joon** Mary Stuart MAsterson plays a woman hooked on amphetamines. Johnny Depp plays her dealer who forces her to sell her Charlie Chaplin collection to support her habit. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/15 "2005-05-22T23:31:51Z")
**The Indelibles** Animated short about a family of magic markers who work at the post office and try to stop their black sheep son from ruining clothing. **Schindlers Lisp** Liam Neason plays a german with a speech impediment. **The Last of the Moccasins** Daniel Day Lewis plays a trader who struggles with a lack of footwear. {renter} please God, make me stop!!! ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/16 "2005-05-22T23:53:00Z")
**Pulp Friction** Bruce Willis kills John Travolta and Samual Jackson for giving him the wrong kind of orange juice **The Bonfire of the Panties** Angry at their wives, Tom Hanks and Bruce Willis burn all their underwear. **An Incontinent Man** tom Selleck gives a sensitive preformance as a man with bladder control issues. When asked “Who will enjoy this movie?” Selleck replied “Depends” **Enema of the State** Gene Hackman is the White house physician and the President is constipated. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2005, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/17 "2005-05-23T00:06:50Z")
**What Little Women Want ;** The Secret steamy sex life of Louisa May Alcott ---
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2005, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/18 "2005-05-23T01:52:24Z")
> [@cosmosdan](#): > > \*\*please God, make me stop!!! **An Incontinent Man** tom Selleck gives a sensitive preformance as a man with bladder control issues. When asked “Who will enjoy this movie?” Selleck replied “Depends.” _DON’T_ stop! You’re killing me, and I _WANT_ to die . . .laughing! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2005, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/19 "2005-05-23T02:02:43Z")
**Ben-Her** -A young Jewish girl, determined to make it in chariot racing, disguises herself as a man. ---
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2005, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961/20 "2005-05-23T02:03:19Z")
Okay, you knew there’d be more, didn’t you. Well, didn’t you? **AGING BULL** : Ferdinand, now retired to pasture, cant remember what a heifer is for. **ALL THIS, AND LEAVEN TOO** : Israelites pool resources to buy yeast after Passover. **THE AMAZING, COLOSSAL, GIGANTIC, ENORMOUS, PRETTY BIG MAN** : In this sequel to a sequel to a sequel the hero finally learns to stay away from nuclear test sites. **THE APART MEN** : Gay thespians can’t get their act together. **BALLY THE KID** : Six-year-old gunslinger charges neighbor children for workouts on his jungle gym. **THE BIG SHEEP** : Ba-a-a-a-ad movie about sexual alternatives on an honor farm. **THE BLACK SCALLION** : Slovenly housekeeper leaves onion on the pantry shelf too long. **BRAVES NEW WORLD** : Boston baseballers move their franchise to the deep south, where all develop cholesterol problems. **CHILDREN OF THE CORNY** : Hee Haw’s attempt at a horror Halloween special. **COMMA** : Unscrupulous journalist stockpiles punctuation marks. **CYBORGE** : Danish comedian Victor uses bionic fingers to continue career after accident. **DIRTY DANZIG** : Fussy Adolph insists Sudeten Germans tidy up before he sends his troops in their spotless uniforms. **ELEMER’S GANTRY** : Uplifting story of Fudd’s Farm Machinery Factory and its state-of-the-art hoist. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fractured-movie-titles/304961.md?page=2)