# Frank letter to unreconciled sisters -- good or bad idea? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 10, 2019, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646 "2019-12-10T14:27:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2019, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/21 "2019-12-11T15:32:40Z")
> [@freckafree](#): > > I’m working on arranging this get together in early January. Any comments on how to guide this conversation so it’s productive and healing are most welcome! Everyone gets to have their own feelings, and no one does anything but sympathize about it. One sister can be sad her dog died, the other sister can be sad that someone couldn’t make it to her holiday gathering. Everyone agrees that those things are sad, and that feeling sad about them is okay. No one gets to _blame_ anyone for sad things happening. Most importantly, no one gets to expect that everyone else will behave in the way that will make them personally happy. Sister doesn’t get to expect everyone will be able to make it to her holiday gathering. You don’t get to expect that your sisters will reconcile because it would be more convenient for you. No one gets to base their happiness on the expected actions of the others. All of you seem to be trying to wield your emotions as weapons to get the others to do what you want. One sister doesn’t want to go to a holiday gathering, so she uses her dog’s death as an emotional excuse. Another sister wants you all to go to her holiday gathering, so she decides that whoever doesn’t go doesn’t love her. You want them to reconcile so you try to guilt them into doing so by implying they’re going to die unreconciled. “If you _really_ loved me, you’d [do thing I want]” is just about the most toxic way to approach any relationship that I can think of. So, if you want to have a relationship, no one gets to do that. Also, no one gets to be a mind-reader. One sister doesn’t get to intuit that the other considers her a snob. The other sister doesn’t get to suspect that the one in chronic pain is a drug addict. And you don’t get to dismiss their grievances with each other as petty annoyances. If someone can’t attend because of finances or another dog death, you all say “Oh, that’s too bad. We’ll miss you.” And you believe what they say, and then you get on with your own damn lives. And you sure as hell don’t get to believe that someone else’s choices all revolve around you. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2019, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/22 "2019-12-11T16:25:37Z")
As I mentioned above, for some people like me, familial relationships don’t override the fact that I just don’t care to socialize with certain people. I (think), I’ve put what caused my estrangement in the past behind me, but having dinner with my siblings once a year is more than enough for me. I don’t remember if I asked them not to or not to stop sending messaging me pics of their get together, but when they SMS me pics, I immediately delete them. I’m nearly the same as the OP [except that I’m a guy and looks like the OP is female], hitting 60 next year and my siblings are 7+ years older. As I’ve said, we’ve all moved on with our individual lives and will die as individuals. Move on with YOUR life and stop trying to force something the two of them have to resolve themselves. Life isn’t like the movies, there’s not always a happy ending and forever after. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2019, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/23 "2019-12-11T16:37:40Z")
It seems like both sisters are looking for a reason to reconcile. If I were you, I’d make the letter a lot less about you and the stress this rift creates for you, less about asking them to have specific regular conversations, and more about middle sister’s desire for a “healthy vibrant and loving sisterly relationship” , older sister’s desire to “attempt to rebuild the bonds” and your desire to help both of them. Frankly, given their last emails, maybe a letter from you isn’t needed at all, except perhaps to talk to them individually about what they suggested they wanted, and if you can help them make it happen. ---
**Author:** ![justanothermike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c2a13f/32.png) [@justanothermike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/justanothermike)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2019, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/24 "2019-12-11T16:52:33Z")
> [@Lightray](#): > > Speaking as someone who is estranged from some, but not all, of my family: you’ll probably piss both of 'em off. I suppose they’ll have being pissed off at you in common then, but I don’t see that causing a reconciliation. > > You’re not going to control their actions, nor their reactions to each other. They will certainly see this as you trying to control them. It won’t go over well. They messed up their relationship; they are going to have to be the ones to fix it, if it is to be fixed. And it sounds like the cause was emotions, so trying to reason to a solution won’t work, either. > > What you _can_ do is set some boundaries on _your actions_ to stop suffering all that stress. CUT THEM OFF every time one of them complains about the other. Do not accept even one teeny-tiny complaint. Firmly tell them that you don’t want to hear that, ask them to stop, and if they don’t do so you end the conversation. Hang up the phone, or tell them you’re leaving and will talk to them later. > > Plan gettogethers with no regard to their animosity; that’s _their_ issue to deal with. If you want to go visit both of them, go visit both of them and plan time separately with each. You’ll just have less time with each than with both together, but that’s their choice. If there is a family gettogether and they’re making it awkward and uncomfortable for everyone else, ignore them and their tension. If they make a scene because they’re not getting the desired drama for themselves, call them out on it and BE FIRM that none of you will stand for it. > > But, trust me, treating them like children and instructing them how they have to behave toward each other because the feelings which they regard as valid are inconveniencing you… will NOT end well. This ---
**Author:** ![justanothermike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c2a13f/32.png) [@justanothermike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/justanothermike)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2019, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/25 "2019-12-11T16:53:44Z")
> [@Lightray](#): > > Everyone gets to have their own feelings, and no one does anything but sympathize about it. One sister can be sad her dog died, the other sister can be sad that someone couldn’t make it to her holiday gathering. Everyone agrees that those things are sad, and that feeling sad about them is okay. > > No one gets to _blame_ anyone for sad things happening. Most importantly, no one gets to expect that everyone else will behave in the way that will make them personally happy. Sister doesn’t get to expect everyone will be able to make it to her holiday gathering. You don’t get to expect that your sisters will reconcile because it would be more convenient for you. No one gets to base their happiness on the expected actions of the others. > > All of you seem to be trying to wield your emotions as weapons to get the others to do what you want. One sister doesn’t want to go to a holiday gathering, so she uses her dog’s death as an emotional excuse. Another sister wants you all to go to her holiday gathering, so she decides that whoever doesn’t go doesn’t love her. You want them to reconcile so you try to guilt them into doing so by implying they’re going to die unreconciled. “If you _really_ loved me, you’d [do thing I want]” is just about the most toxic way to approach any relationship that I can think of. So, if you want to have a relationship, no one gets to do that. > > Also, no one gets to be a mind-reader. One sister doesn’t get to intuit that the other considers her a snob. The other sister doesn’t get to suspect that the one in chronic pain is a drug addict. And you don’t get to dismiss their grievances with each other as petty annoyances. If someone can’t attend because of finances or another dog death, you all say “Oh, that’s too bad. We’ll miss you.” And you believe what they say, and then you get on with your own damn lives. And you sure as hell don’t get to believe that someone else’s choices all revolve around you. And this. You all need healthier boundaries. This is toxic. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2019, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/26 "2019-12-11T17:05:17Z")
In the beginning, my reconciliation with my siblings was somewhat touchy feely with confessions of what caused my estrangement and confessions of things from that past that nagged at us, as well as good memories. Towards the end, our meetings were much more businesslike focused on finances, Mom’s failing health and the eventual sale of the family home. My oldest sister said I changed and I replied that it was only her perception of me that changed. She had/has this idea of happily ever after with all of us always together, but as I’ve said, we all have our own lives (and in their case, children and grandchildren). I recommend looking deep within yourself and seek out what is the root of this desire for reconciliation of your sisters, especially as has been pointed out is heavily self centered on your part. If you’re spiritual, speak to a spiritual adviser or a professional. It’s always best to speak to someone in person rather than reading posts on a message board from people you don’t know and don’t know you. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2019, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/27 "2019-12-11T17:40:30Z")
> [@freckafree](#): > > She closed her email with “I would be very happy for the three of us to get together to make an attempt to rebuild the bonds among us.” > > I’m working on arranging this get together in early January. Any comments on how to guide this conversation so it’s productive and healing are most welcome! Wait a second. Your older sister is worried about all three of you? You have not mentioned that your relationship with either sister was any less than good. Your sister’s comment suggests that she sees it not as you do - a conflict between your two sisters - but as a three-way conflict. You may think your role is neutral, as a facilitator, mediator, arbiter or whatever. My own dysfunctional family experience suggests offense-taking and hurt feelings tend to be more like Orwell’s shifting alliances and rewritten history in _1984_ than any easily identifiable cause and effect. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2019, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/28 "2019-12-11T17:56:33Z")
> [@freckafree](#): > > She closed her email with “I would be very happy for the three of us to get together to make an attempt to rebuild the bonds among us.” > > I’m working on arranging this get together in early January. Any comments on how to guide this conversation so it’s productive and healing are most welcome! This should be either a conf call or a neutral site face-to-face meeting, a restaurant or hotel equidistant from all parties, preferably just the three of you, no spouses or kids for that sit down. That will eliminate any before-discussion resentment of it being more of it physical burden on one party than another. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2019, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/29 "2019-12-11T19:33:24Z")
freckafree again as another youngest who fell into the same trap I advise a step back and question why you feel your place is to fix this. You can sit at a different chair position at the table. You don’t need to facilitate. You really shouldn’t. You can participate. Sibling hurts and thus angers are not usually about one event. And you may not have been old enough to understand what was going on in their teen years. Or even before. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2019, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/30 "2019-12-13T17:17:47Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Sibling hurts and thus angers are not usually about one event. And you may not have been old enough to understand what was going on in their teen years. Or even before. Agree 100% with this. I distinctly remember one full on battle (on the floor, hair pulling and screaming) between my sisters when they were in the teens and I was a young pre-teen. I asked them about it a few years ago and they both claim to have no memory of it because they had so many knock-down fights that I hadn’t witnessed. Neither gave details of why they constantly fought and I didn’t dig deeper. They get along now primarily because they rarely meet and their “I love you sister” is only a familial obligation. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2019, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/31 "2019-12-15T13:49:20Z")
One of my sisters managed to estrange two members of the family completely (I’m one of them), and although what she did was heinous, it was not the true cause of the breach, but a symptom. She finally had the opportunity to cause real harm, is what happened, but she’d been waiting for that moment practically all her life, it now appears. She’d been nursing a grudge from her childhood silently for forty years. From this personal situation, I might infer that in yours, the cause of the grievance may be much deeper than the supposed offense. In which case nothing save an equally deep intervention would suffice. You don’t know what lies under there. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/32 "2019-12-16T01:34:07Z")
I say leave it alone. In my experience, when two family members have long-term antagonism toward each other, at least one of them has a damn good reason. ---
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2019, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/33 "2019-12-17T16:40:48Z")
Did I read this correctly? The middle sister couldn’t afford a trip (at the time) to see older sister. Older sister then resents middle sister for spending money (later) on an animal? Was your middle sister never to save/spend money again? Or did the dog cost 5x what the trip cost? This info is important. If the dog was super expensive (and more than the trip cost) then the older sister has a valid gripe. Otherwise she’s out of line. ---
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2019, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/34 "2019-12-17T16:53:15Z")
As an aside I see no problem with you wanting to resolve this, but I’m not too confident you will succeed. My wife is in a similar situation with her brother. He was a frequent enjoyable house guest for years. Then he ceased all visits and social contact, ignoring his niece’s law school graduation and totally missing out on his young nephew’s life. Though upset with my wife, he wound up hurting both his niece and nephew by ignoring them. Thru another sibling we learned he was upset with my wife, but he would not tell my wife why. We were told “you know why”. Unfortunately the intervening sibling would not tell us the reason either, citing it wasn’t her place. Years have gone by. Finally because she couldn’t take it anymore the intervening sibling told my wife the reason. As suspected the reason was ridiculous, not anything that should have merited ignoring his niece and nephew (with whom he was close) and will not be resolved anytime soon because what bothers my brother-in-law about my wife is really none of his business. I can’t go any further. So you can try but you most likely are dealing with at least one intractable person. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2019, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/35 "2019-12-17T17:14:14Z")
I think IvoryTowerDenizen nailed in in the first reply and really I just wanted to boost it. You don’t have much to lose, but the likelihood of this working isn’t even one percent. I have NEVER known such a letter to work. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2019, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646/36 "2019-12-17T17:13:59Z")
I think IvoryTowerDenizen nailed in in the first reply and really I just wanted to boost it. You don’t have much to lose, but the likelihood of this working isn’t even one percent. I have NEVER known such a letter to work. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frank-letter-to-unreconciled-sisters-good-or-bad-idea/844646.md?page=1)