# Friend Comes Out : What is This Straight Boy Expected to Say? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 2, 2005, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659 "2005-01-02T05:29:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2005, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/21 "2005-01-04T08:06:17Z")
I grew up in a very gay-friendly household (dad was gay). Because of this I’ve had several friends open up to me. I guess because they figure I’m safe and won’t judge them at all. The conversation normally goes like this: Them: I’m gay. Me: …and? Them: Uhhhh? I dunno. Me: Okey-dokey then. Want another beer? ---
**Author:** ![SolGrundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@SolGrundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SolGrundy)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2005, 9:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/22 "2005-01-04T09:27:46Z")
> [@Seven](#): > > Them: I’m gay. > > Me: …and? > > Them: Uhhhh? I dunno. > > Me: Okey-dokey then. Want another beer? Oh, come on! That takes all the fun out of it! You’ve got to at least feign discomfort or interest or something for at least a little while. If only for the drama potential. When gay people say that they just want it to be a non-issue, we don’t want it to be a _total_ non-issue. (No, I’m not being entirely serious.) ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2005, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/23 "2005-01-04T09:32:48Z")
This is great. How about, “So I can like _touch_ you an’ stuff, and I won’t like, catch “Gay”?” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![tim314](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim314/32/3468_2.png) [@tim314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim314)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2005, 9:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/24 "2005-01-04T09:34:41Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > We really need to expand our social niceness responses to cover things like this: > > “I’m getting married” > “Congratulations, I’m so happy for you!” > > “My father died.” > “Oh, I’m so sorry. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.” > > I propose “Thank you for trusting me with that” as the polite answer to “I’m gay.” I think we can simplify it even more than that. How about this: “I’m gay.” “OK, that’s cool.” “I’m getting married.” “OK, that’s cool.” “My father died.” “Ooh, that’s not cool.” (Unless, you know, their father was a jerk or something.) ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2005, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/25 "2005-01-04T10:53:26Z")
> [@SolGrundy](#): > > When gay people say that they just want it to be a non-issue, we don’t want it to be a _total_ non-issue. When my friend came out as gay, later he told me he was a bit annoyed because no one was making a big fuss about it. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2005, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/26 "2005-01-04T11:02:59Z")
> [@AngelicGemma](#): > > When my friend came out as gay, later he told me he was a bit annoyed because no one was making a big fuss about it. 😃 Hell, as long as I don’t get “I don’t believe you” (or something similarly insulting) I’m happy. Since I’ve related (long and short version of) the “I don’t believe you” story on more than one occasion, I’ll stop there:) ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2005, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/27 "2005-01-04T11:25:24Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > We really need to expand our social niceness responses to cover things like this: > > “I’m getting married” > “Congratulations, I’m so happy for you!” > > “My father died.” > “Oh, I’m so sorry. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.” > > I propose “Thank you for trusting me with that” as the polite answer to “I’m gay.” Dangerose, you rawk. **PC** For Lesbian Outing _Thank you for the honor of your trust._ **Not PC** _Wanna join the Softball Team?_ **PC For Gaydom** _Thank you for trusting me with that._ **Not PC** _When will you come over and decorate my house._ or \* Liza or Barbara?\* **PC** for pet death. _I am so sorry to hear about Mr. Tibbles. He was an excellent cat/dog/goldfish._ **Un Pc** Want to get some Chinese food? ---
**Author:** ![FilmGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@FilmGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FilmGeek)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2005, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/28 "2005-01-04T15:59:38Z")
When my ex boyfriend called me up and made awkward small talk for 20 minutes I wondered if something was up. I said my goodbyes and started to hang up, hoping to scare him into just “coming out” with it. (tee hee) My first reaction was Congratulations! I asked if he was dating yet, or if he wanted to talk further about it. He seemed so relieved that I was cool with it. Though one of my best friends in high school was gay, my prom date was gay, my two best friends in college were gay, etc… We get together and talk about boys. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2005, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/29 "2005-01-04T16:15:10Z")
See if you can get his old “straight” porn, since he won’t need it any more… ---
**Author:** ![yellowval](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/919ad9/32.png) [@yellowval](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowval)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2005, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/30 "2005-01-04T16:38:22Z")
> [@Homebrew](#): > > The only better response is “Well, duh … It’s not like it’s a surprise.” or “I’ve been wondering when you would finally come out.” That was our response when a close friend came out to my husband and me. We basically said, “Well, damn, it’s about time!” What was really funny was that when he told a close family member, our friend made a HUGE deal out of it like he was announcing the end of the world or something. The family member’s reacion? “That’s _it_? Oh, I’m so relieved. I thought you were going to tell me you were dying or something!” ---
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2005, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/31 "2005-01-05T05:40:35Z")
> [@SolGrundy](#): > > Oh, come on! That takes all the fun out of it! You’ve got to at least feign discomfort or interest or something for at least a little while. If only for the drama potential. When gay people say that they just want it to be a non-issue, we don’t want it to be a _total_ non-issue. > > (No, I’m not being entirely serious.) Oh don’t worry. I’ll give them a fair amount of “stereotype” crap later. To guys: “Oh, so that’s _gay_ beer?” or “I washed a red shirt with a white t-shirt and it made it pink. Do you want it?” To girls: “Can I cut your hair into a mullet now??” or “Man, lesbians are HOT” But I wait until I know THEY know I don’t really mean any of it. ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2005, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/32 "2005-01-05T16:48:45Z")
> [@tim314](#): > > “My father died.” > “Ooh, that’s not cool.” _He’s_ cool. I’m sure this was discussed in one of the _About the Gay Guy_ threads. I think it’s a spectrum between (1) Person has grown up in a repressed culture and probably feels very nervous about this, and you’re a good friend and the first person they’ve trusted, to which the answer is “Thank you for trusting me,” and follow up with getting them to talk about themselves and find out how they feel, what they’ll do, will they tell their parents, etc. (2) They’re out to pretty much everyone, but thought they should mention it, to wchih the answer is “Thought so. My round?” It’s a bit like being vegetarian – more acceptable in some cultures – in that it has to get mentioned at some point or it gets awkward when you get to the buffet line, but it’s odd to just say, because the only response is “Yeah, so?”[1] I do remember giving one of the few pieces of advice I was proud of in a thread a bit like (2), when someone was coming out and finding it awkward to tell all their family, and I recommended telling mother, and letting the gossip mill do the rest. [1] Except that the sort of meat that’s not being swallowed is different. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2005, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659/33 "2005-01-05T18:28:46Z")
I’m in the process of coming out to my friends and family. (And when I say I’m coming out to my family, I mean “I told my mom, and got her to tell everyone else.”) So far, I’ve gotten the following reactions: From my mom: “Does this mean you’re finally going to start dating?” From a close friend, while playing a boardgame: “Yeah, I know. Everyone knows. You’re totally a fag. It’s your move.” From the same friend, two weeks later, when I told him I have a boyfriend: “Wait, you were _serious_? Holy shit! I thought you were joking!” (so far, my favorite response) From another friend: “Wow. I can’t believe you’re gay. That’s totally awesome!” \ From a third friend: “Okay.” From an ex-girlfriend: “Huh?” (second favorite response) From my dad, the most emotionally constipated man on Earth, after mom told him: “So… uh… you’re happy with… everything?” “Yeah, I am.” “That’s… good. I’m happy for you.” So far, all good responses. In my experience, any variation of the above would be appropriate. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-comes-out-what-is-this-straight-boy-expected-to-say/282659.md?page=1)