# Friend died ... Four years ago **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 29, 2014, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333 "2014-07-29T16:00:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/1 "2014-07-29T16:00:50Z")
Yesterday I thought it’s been too long since I’ve seen Steve and it was high time to meet up again. It’s been, what, a year or two since we last met up? Couldn’t get through on his numbers so I called his office. Steve died four years ago suddenly from cancer. About five months after I last saw him. He was 48. I didn’t know his family or work colleagues. No one would have known to inform me. I have no one to talk to about this who knew him. His family grieved four years ago, but this is a fresh loss to me. I have wept years a half dozen times in the last 24 hours. I guess I wasn’t a very good friend after all. But now that he’s gone I miss him and I’m so sad. And I feel so foolish. Years ago when I was having trouble with my job he said I could always come and work for him if I needed to. I never took him up on that, but I never forgot it. No one had ever said anything like that to me. I’m crying again now. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/2 "2014-07-29T16:05:30Z")
I’m so sorry, **Acsenray**. That is really tough. I don’t think you were a bad friend. There are people in our lives that we care about very much but don’t talk to all that often. It’s just the way life is. It’s okay to cry, healthy in fact. Give yourself time and talk to us. We’re here for you. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/3 "2014-07-29T16:25:09Z")
Wow, what a shock to you. I’m glad you at least shared a close enough friendship for him to make that job offer to you. His pain is long over. Yours has just begun. My sincerest and warmest condolences. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/4 "2014-07-29T16:42:26Z")
If I were his family, I would welcome hearing from you, to have a new perspective on him from someone who appreciated him so much. Don’t feel bad about the passage of time. That’s just the way it is. ---
**Author:** ![JackieLikesVariety](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackielikesvariety/32/296_2.png) [@JackieLikesVariety](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JackieLikesVariety)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/5 "2014-07-29T16:43:09Z")
I’m sorry to hear it.☹ > [@](#): > > I guess I wasn’t a very good friend after all. But now that he’s gone I miss him and I’m so sad. And I feel so foolish. makes me - and everyone reading your OP - want to rush out and re-connect with everyone we have lost touch with. so that’s a good thing. try not to be hard on yourself - you were a good friend, I’m sure. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/6 "2014-07-29T17:17:40Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > I guess I wasn’t a very good friend after all. Yes, you were. Otherwise he wouldn’t have offered you a job should you ever need one. Not all friendships are based on how regularly you stay in touch. As much pain as you’re in, you don’t need to add a load of guilt on top of it. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/7 "2014-07-29T17:45:12Z")
It’s a sign of what a good guy he was. We obviously weren’t close. But he was important to me and I wish I could have told him that. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/8 "2014-07-29T18:49:25Z")
I had a long-time college friend since 1982. She & I would go months without talking, then call each other out of the blue & pick things up. In 2000 & 2003, we made a go at long-distance romances with 2-3 visits in each year, abandoning the attempts as I couldn’t deal with her drinking. In 2009, I spoke with her in September, got a message from her on my answering machine in October, a week later had a surprise appendectomy & kinda forgot out the message, Finally, in February I realized I had not talked to her since September. She had died right after Christmas of alcohol-induced liver failure. I still have feelings of “I suck as a friend.” But you just never know & it’s easy for time to get away when you aren’t in close or constant contact. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/9 "2014-07-29T19:42:40Z")
I’m very sorry, Acsenray. What a shock. I’m moving your thread to MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/10 "2014-07-29T22:38:38Z")
When my brother passed, my mom was in a nursing home with alzheimer’s. We told her once that Ken had passed. After that, when she asked about him we told her that we hadn’t seen him for a while (he lived several states away) and that he sends her his love. We decided that was the kindest thing to do, rather than make her go through the same grief every time we had to remind her. Having said that, don’t be embarrassed. You have the right to grieve the loss of your friend. It’s a shame you can’t grieve with someone. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/11 "2014-07-29T22:51:40Z")
You don’t have to suffer through crappy Macaroni salad at a funeral. ---
**Author:** ![Lorene89095](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@Lorene89095](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lorene89095)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2014, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/12 "2014-07-29T23:11:18Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > When my brother passed, my mom was in a nursing home with alzheimer’s. We told her once that Ken had passed. After that, when she asked about him we told her that we hadn’t seen him for a while (he lived several states away) and that he sends her his love. We decided that was the kindest thing to do, rather than make her go through the same grief every time we had to remind her. > > Having said that, don’t be embarrassed. You have the right to grieve the loss of your friend. It’s a shame you can’t grieve with someone. Ranger Jeff,that was the right thing to tell your mother. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2014, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/13 "2014-07-30T05:21:57Z")
> [@Lorene89095](#): > > Ranger Jeff,that was the right thing to tell your mother. Thank you. Yes it was. After that, once I helped make her cry happy tears, but that was okay. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2014, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/14 "2014-07-30T05:42:56Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > You don’t have to suffer through crappy Macaroni salad at a funeral. I’m not sure that was in any way helpful. Actually, let me rephrase that: what in the fuck were you thinking to post such an idiotic and rude comment? ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2014, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/15 "2014-07-30T07:34:33Z")
My “the one that got away” was such a story: In 1997, I had a parcel I wanted her to have (we parted in 1973), so a quick Google show her in Texas (NOT good news; she was many things, but “Texas Girl” was NOT one of them). It never occurred to me that it was a permanent move - her home was in FL (not much better, IMHO, but she loved it). In 2006, I got to wondering if she had escaped TX. The history was June 2001 - turn 50 Aug 2001 - brain cancer with 90 days to live Aug - Sept 2001: Quick move back to FL Nov 2001 - dead on schedule. The other person who died in Nov 2001 of cancer of the brain was George Harrison. Good company, my little one. Yes, being too late to join the grieving and having to go it alone really sucks. You will recover, and will have the good memories again be the topmost thoughts of your friend. It’s just going to take a bit. Give yourself all the time (and kleenex) you need. Best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2014, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/16 "2014-07-30T07:40:42Z")
I don’t think the family would be at all offended if you reached out to them. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2014, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/17 "2014-07-30T12:05:36Z")
I’m so sorry for your shock and sadness, **Ascenray**. The last four years doesn’t define your friendship, how you feel about him does. Be proud to be such a friend. ---
**Author:** ![snowthx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowthx/32/10660_2.png) [@snowthx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snowthx)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2014, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/18 "2014-07-30T18:51:13Z")
**Ascenray** , sorry to hear this. I am sure it is painful, but know that your sharing this story here is a reminder to all of us reading to not hesitate in letting someone we care about know how we feel about them. It is also a reminder to connect with people we may have inadvertantly let slip off the radar. Some good has come from your posting this here. Thanks for that. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2014, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/19 "2014-07-30T19:00:25Z")
> [@usedtobe](#): > > …The other person who died in Nov 2001 of cancer of the brain was George Harrison. Good company, my little one. Not that it makes any difference but “[Harrison died on 29 November 2001, aged 58, from metastatic non-small cell lung cancer.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Harrison#Illness_and_death)[171]” Although it had spread to his brain. ---
**Author:** ![Dustin\_the\_Wind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f1d935/32.png) [@Dustin\_the\_Wind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dustin_the_Wind)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2014, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333/20 "2014-07-30T19:27:57Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > You don’t have to suffer through crappy Macaroni salad at a funeral. Stay classy [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-died-four-years-ago/694333.md?page=2)