# Friend w cancer. Should i inform his estranged daughter? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 23, 2012, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899 "2012-12-23T04:52:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![cougar58](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@cougar58](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cougar58)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/1 "2012-12-23T04:52:46Z")
As mention in another OP, my good friend and next door neighbor was just last week diagnosed…he is a simple country boy. Something happened yrs ago, and neither his son nor daughter communicate with him…my guess is, yrs ago, he struck gold with a clever design and build of lumber processing eqpt. Made millions, then had affair with his paralegal…kids mom left him…yet he put them both thru college, after the affairs. Yes, more than one, and he would buy them $$$ items like new Corvettes. He pist away lots of $$$ on hot bimbos, then the housing market crashed, as well as a better process from China entered the market…he is now broke…verified as i have loaned him hundreds to get by. I once looked up and found both kids on my ipad facebook, and showed them to him…he had never seen his grandkids…he walked fast into another room, then returned minutes later…crying was evident to have occured. So now i feel like the kid in “home alone” who meets the scary loner neighbor in church, and finds out a similar story…kid reunites them. Should I msg them via facebook?..with the bad holiday news…the girl is a nurse, the boy is in some technical field…i did msg the girl at his request last summer when i showed him her facebbok page…she never replied. He just wanted to say hello and ask how they were doing. ---
**Author:** ![al27052](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@al27052](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/al27052)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/2 "2012-12-23T05:09:11Z")
I feel his children have a right to know. If he dies, then it will keep things simpler and less messy for everyone if they are ready ahead of time. If he doesn’t die, then it’s still useful information to know about their own potential for cancer. It doesn’t sound like reuniting them would be easy, but that’s not entirely your job, anyway. You can lead a horse to water, etc… If you at least tell his kids about his cancer, then you’ve done (probably, depending on how close you are to him, etc.) most/all of your job. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/3 "2012-12-23T05:09:16Z")
This always ends really well in the movies. How long’s he got? If they’re saying a couple years, maybe drop them a line this summer saying “Hey, it might be a good idea to see if you can get together with your dad for Christmas this year…” That also gives him time to contact them first. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/4 "2012-12-23T05:15:17Z")
If it was my dad, and some guy I didn’t know messaged me to tell me the jerk had cancer, I’d say good. Should have thought about not having anyone around for him in his old age before he screwed around on my mom. Life isn’t a movie. ---
**Author:** ![Simple\_Linctus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Simple\_Linctus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simple_Linctus)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/5 "2012-12-23T05:23:45Z")
Yes, you should let them know. And depending upon the age of the grandkids, if they are older than 13 say, then you should tell them too. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/6 "2012-12-23T05:32:06Z")
> [@Simple\_Linctus](#): > > Yes, you should let them know. And depending upon the age of the grandkids, if they are older than 13 say, then you should tell them too. No NO and No. It is not a stranger’s place to interfere in family business. If the guy wants his children to know he should write them not the neighbor. The whole thing is a bad idea. OP, it isn’t your place, this isn’t a movie, and you aren’t doing anyone a favor. Plus, the grand kids don’t even know him, what would be accomplished by telling them their unknown gramps has cancer? ---
**Author:** ![al27052](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@al27052](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/al27052)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/7 "2012-12-23T05:36:18Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > No NO and No. It is not a stranger’s place to interfere in family business. If the guy wants his children to know he should write them not the neighbor. The whole thing is a bad idea. OP, it isn’t your place, this isn’t a movie, and you aren’t doing anyone a favor. > > Plus, the grand kids don’t even know him, what would be accomplished by telling them their unknown gramps has cancer? If I were going to have to take a week off work to dispose of an estate, plan a funeral, deal with mourners, etc., yeah, I’d like to know ahead of time. Also, if I had any siblings, I’d want to know ahead of time even more so, if there was any possibility of conflict over the inheritance. That stuff can get extremely messy. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/8 "2012-12-23T05:50:16Z")
Then the father should tell his children. Why would it ever be ok for a stranger to get involved??? And according to the OP there isn’t much inheritance to fight over. The jerkoff pissed it away. OP, have you even asked the guy is he wants his kids to know? If not, you are way over stepping your boundaries. ---
**Author:** ![al27052](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@al27052](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/al27052)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/9 "2012-12-23T05:53:56Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Then the father should tell his children. Why would it ever be ok for a stranger to get involved??? > > And according to the OP there isn’t much inheritance to fight over. The jerkoff pissed it away. Sometimes having a 3rd party involved can reduce the potential drama. As far as inheritance, the father probably owns a house. Real estate inheritance law gets very messy in some states. And you’re ignoring, for unknown reasons, the fact that the children have a right to know if they are predisposed to this type of cancer. ---
**Author:** ![cougar58](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@cougar58](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cougar58)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/10 "2012-12-23T06:05:35Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > If it was my dad, and some guy I didn’t know messaged me to tell me the jerk had cancer, I’d say good. Should have thought about not having anyone around for him in his old age before he screwed around on my mom. > > Life isn’t a movie. April, if it were your dad, remember, he put you thru college…long after the bimbos…otherwise, you might be working at Walmart…my 2nd most recent gf got her masters, and 2 yrs later she is still at Walmart at $10 per hour Also, he is upside down on house…he bought it after they split…he gave her their house in divorce. No inheritance…is it possible kids could be responsible for his debts? He never filed C11. Lpg gas dealer wants 2000 from him, so i helped him put in a wood burning system. ---
**Author:** ![cougar58](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@cougar58](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cougar58)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/11 "2012-12-23T06:08:46Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Then the father should tell his children. Why would it ever be ok for a stranger to get involved??? > > And according to the OP there isn’t much inheritance to fight over. The jerkoff pissed it away. > OP, have you even asked the guy is he wants his kids to know? If not, you are way over stepping your boundaries. April no i never asked him…but he asked me to contact her last summer…she nvr replied…so i could ride that coat tail now…or not ---
**Author:** ![cougar58](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@cougar58](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cougar58)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/12 "2012-12-23T06:14:38Z")
As far as outlook, 70% survivability now…but doc wants to CT scan lungs next week…treatment starts after that. Plus he refuses to give up beer and cigs, both documented attributes of this variety. ---
**Author:** ![cougar58](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@cougar58](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cougar58)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/13 "2012-12-23T06:18:43Z")
GrandKids are, guessing around 4 and 6 yrs old ---
**Author:** ![cougar58](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@cougar58](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cougar58)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/14 "2012-12-23T06:22:46Z")
The unknown: after the divorce, the girl and boy lived with him…he said she actually paid him support…he puts both thru expensive private college, then they cut him out of picture, not before…so either they found out what happened while in college, or he did something else…my guess is the kids found out he pist away their inheritance, to bimbos younger than them. Just guessing. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/15 "2012-12-23T06:24:56Z")
> [@al27052](#): > > If I were going to have to take a week off work to dispose of an estate, plan a funeral, deal with mourners, etc., yeah, I’d like to know ahead of time. > > Also, if I had any siblings, I’d want to know ahead of time even more so, if there was any possibility of conflict over the inheritance. That stuff can get extremely messy. I have cancer, and I say stay out of it. The quote above is one big reason why. The guy is dealing with cancer, which is emotionally devastating. He doesn’t need his friggin’ kids showing up just because they don’t want to deal with a mess when he dies. If he wants to reconcile with them, he will initiate the process. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/16 "2012-12-23T06:28:13Z")
> [@cougar58](#): > > April no i never asked him…but he asked me to contact her last summer…she nvr replied…so i could ride that coat tail now…or not Wow, I had assumed that he’d asked you to and just couldn’t/wouldn’t use Facebook on his own. You absolutely should not contact his children or grandchildren without his knowledge. I wouldn’t even bring it up. He knows you can find them on Facebook, and if he wants you to help him contact them then he’ll say so. ---
**Author:** ![cougar58](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@cougar58](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cougar58)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/17 "2012-12-23T06:33:52Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > I have cancer, and I say stay out of it. The quote above is one big reason why. The guy is dealing with cancer, which is emotionally devastating. He doesn’t need his friggin’ kids showing up just because they don’t want to deal with a mess when he dies. If he wants to reconcile with them, he will initiate the process. Both kids moved away, but within 2 hrs drive…unknown city…but i do know what hospital she works at, by investigating her bff coworkers fb pages. I didnt tell him that, and i assure you, otherwise, he does not know how to contact either…he has no internet …whats odd is his kids also cut off contact with his mom in florida…their grandmother. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/18 "2012-12-23T06:53:37Z")
> [@al27052](#): > > If I were going to have to take a week off work to dispose of an estate, plan a funeral, deal with mourners, etc., yeah, I’d like to know ahead of time. > > Also, if I had any siblings, I’d want to know ahead of time even more so, if there was any possibility of conflict over the inheritance. That stuff can get extremely messy. Renounce the inheritance, that solves all those problems in one fell swoop. If he’s not your father for Christmas, weddings and childbirth announcements, he’s not your father when it comes to inheriting. ---
**Author:** ![Junkman209](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/junkman209/32/5522_2.png) [@Junkman209](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Junkman209)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/19 "2012-12-23T14:42:18Z")
“Should i inform his estranged daughter?” No! If (but only if) he asks you to inform his children should you consider doing so. You can suggest that HE informs his children, and offer to help him. If he wants to inform them by a letter, you could offer to help him compose the letter. On the other hand, if he does not want to inform them about his cancer, you should respect that choice. Living with cancer, living with knowing you might die soon, is stressful. Only he can know if trying to reunite with his children would create more stress than he can bear. Furthermore, he should know (far better than you could know) if informing his children about his cancer would be viewed by them as manipulative or as a genuine attempt at reconciliation (or both). Don’t add to his stress by telling his children–an act that might drive them further away. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/20 "2012-12-23T15:02:02Z")
> [@cougar58](#): > > April, if it were your dad, remember, he put you thru college…long after the bimbos…otherwise, you might be working at Walmart…my 2nd most recent gf got her masters, and 2 yrs later she is still at Walmart at $10 per hour You really think you can buy your way out of destroying a family? If they want their father in their lives they would know about the cancer. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899.md?page=2)