# Friend w cancer. Should i inform his estranged daughter? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 23, 2012, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899 "2012-12-23T04:52:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![SerafinaPekala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@SerafinaPekala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SerafinaPekala)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/41 "2012-12-23T20:08:40Z")
I would not contact the kids until Dad gives the ok to do so. He’s an adult and should be given the courtesy of a choice. My own father did not want my mother (his ex-wife) notified that he had cancer and was in hospital; we honored his wishes. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2012, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/42 "2012-12-23T20:12:22Z")
> [@cougar58](#): > > Cougar is my pen name, because my first car was a Cougar, and the movie “Top Gun” …where Tom Cruise played F14 TomCat pilot “Cougar”, was one of my fav’s when it came out. Shouldn’t you be going by Maverick, then, because that’s who Cruise played. Cougar was the guy in the beginning that turned in his wings after getting locked on by the MIG. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/43 "2012-12-24T05:45:12Z")
Gone to Facebook, but first… Why would it be your place to say anything?. How’d you get so involved with a neighbor anyway? Enough to loan him hundreds of dollars? Just curious. ---
**Author:** ![Simple\_Linctus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Simple\_Linctus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simple_Linctus)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/44 "2012-12-24T06:08:35Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > No NO and No. It is not a stranger’s place to interfere in family business. If the guy wants his children to know he should write them not the neighbor. The whole thing is a bad idea. OP, it isn’t your place, this isn’t a movie, and you aren’t doing anyone a favor. > > Plus, the grand kids don’t even know him, what would be accomplished by telling them their unknown gramps has cancer? Depends upon yer definition of interefering,. I see this more as a job of amplification. I may demonstrte this again next time you’re after someone on cam apirl but seriously I hope you understand that knowing what is going on makes consideratable sense ---
**Author:** ![Simple\_Linctus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Simple\_Linctus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simple_Linctus)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/45 "2012-12-24T06:10:13Z")
Can someone explain to me obligations to **not** do so? I can totally get why many observers of this rubbbish are not interested in pointing the message upon, parrticularly since moving towards the futures is so important. So how to foilks think for thnext few days and muych more importantly next few weeeks ---
**Author:** ![cerberus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cerberus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cerberus)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/46 "2012-12-24T06:10:26Z")
Dying person makes the rules, for good or for ill. Medical information should be presumed private unless the patient says otherwise. A caregiver may ethically suggest that certain people might benefit from information, but release of said information is up to the patient. ---
**Author:** ![cougar58](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@cougar58](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cougar58)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/47 "2012-12-24T06:23:00Z")
> [@Becky2844](#): > > Gone to Facebook, but first.. > Why would it be your place to say anything?. How’d you get so involved with a neighbor anyway? Enough to loan him hundreds of dollars? Just curious. I travel a lot, and he goes no where…so he watches my house from his…he drove into my driveway once when a relatives visited from out of state, who i gave the digital code to the house to…and he confronted them. Before he came up with his patented lumber machine, he was a union welder, on bridges, power plants, etc…had less than a yr to qualify for their retirement. Few union welding positions open, even considering he used to travel hundreds of miles from long term assignments…so he finally found one via my ipad that was interviewing, but he had no money to drive there, nor hotel $. So i loaned him 500. He said there was a huge number of ppl applying, unlike he ever saw before…you have to be union to even interview, iirc. Btw, your post really caught my attention…becky is her name, and you said you were going to fb now. I heard his 2 kids were exceptional bright in college…not in the medical field, are you? ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/48 "2012-12-24T22:07:06Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > They’re not periods, they’re [ellipsis](http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ellipsis). I’m assuming the OP is using them to indicate “a pause” (see definition 2); she’s trying to reproduce her speech patterns in writing. Most people would use other kinds of punctuation marks when writing in English, but she’s not the first case I’ve met (or the first one I’ve met here) who puts an ellipsis in any point where they had to think of the right word or where there is any kind of pause in speech. That’s how I read it too. Back on topic: my advice, based on experience, is stay out of it. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/49 "2012-12-24T23:19:53Z")
Another vote for :stay out of it. He may be sick and dying, but he’s an adult and can make his own choices. At most, ask him if he would like you to contact his kids. My father died of cancer. He did not want anyone except a couple of family members (myself, his sister) to know he was sick. His wish was honored, even though we didn’t agree with his reasoning. But it was his life and his death and he was facing it the way he wanted to. To dishonor that wish would have been intrusive, demeaning, even mean-spirited. ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/50 "2012-12-24T23:28:09Z")
No. Please no. Yes, as above, ask him if he wants them to know. It simply is not your place. ---
**Author:** ![cougar58](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@cougar58](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cougar58)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2012, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/51 "2012-12-25T00:17:30Z")
> [@fisha](#): > > Paul Harvey is…dead. I see what you did there clever ---
**Author:** ![ftfu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d26b3c/32.png) [@ftfu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftfu)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2012, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/52 "2012-12-25T02:00:58Z")
Stay out of it. Your friend knows his children are on Facebook and can contact them if he wishes. Since he is the one who is sick I think he should be the one to decide where to go from here. It might be too stressful for him to deal with the possible rejection. Also the children may have a perfectly good reason for avoiding him; you only know one side of the story. I doubt your friend would tell you if he did something horrible to his children. My mother is estranged from her mother for many reasons, including physical, verbal and emotional abuse. My grandmother has concocted her own version of events and has convinced all her other children and her friends that my mother is lying. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2012, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/53 "2012-12-25T06:14:06Z")
> [@cougar58](#): > > I travel a lot, and he goes no where…so he watches my house from his…he drove into my driveway once when a relatives visited from out of state, who i gave the digital code to the house to…and he confronted them. > > Before he came up with his patented lumber machine, he was a union welder, on bridges, power plants, etc…had less than a yr to qualify for their retirement. Few union welding positions open, even considering he used to travel hundreds of miles from long term assignments…so he finally found one via my ipad that was interviewing, but he had no money to drive there, nor hotel $. So i loaned him 500. He said there was a huge number of ppl applying, unlike he ever saw before…you have to be union to even interview, iirc. > > Btw, your post really caught my attention…becky is her name, and you said you were going to fb now. I heard his 2 kids were exceptional bright in college…not in the medical field, are you? In the words of Bob Dylan, It Ain’t Me Babe. I went to Facebook because I learned from **Bob Ducca** about “other” messages; found two, blasts from the past. I’m probably old enough to be their…aunt. This is just me; you seem more entangled with this guy’s story than I’d be with a cousin. Unless you really like drama, I’d step back. ---
**Author:** ![manila](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e5b9ba/32.png) [@manila](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manila)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2012, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/54 "2012-12-25T09:42:46Z")
When I had kidney cancer I didn’t tell any of my family. I figured that either the nephrectomy would get it all out or if it had metastasized and I was in for a protracted but inevitable one way journey, then in both cases the last thing I wanted to deal with was worried and panicking parents and siblings. As it happened the tumour was confined to the capsule and the operation removed it all. Had it turned out to be terminal I may have informed them but not until near the end. And I would not have been impressed with some other person passing the information on. Leave it up to your friend ---
**Author:** ![phall0106](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phall0106/32/5934_2.png) [@phall0106](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phall0106)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2012, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/55 "2012-12-26T03:24:57Z")
I haven’t talked to my father in several years, and with good reason. When I moved, I didn’t even give him my address, for fear that he’d get it into his head to show up on my doorstep. If he calls (and he hasn’t in over a year), his call goes straight to voice mail and it isn’t returned. Cold? Whatever, like I said, it’s with good reason. If some yahoo sent me a message via FB that my dad had cancer, I’d block him, too. Don’t care, don’t want to know. My advice would be to butt out and MYOB. ---
**Author:** ![duchessofdork](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4af34b/32.png) [@duchessofdork](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duchessofdork)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2012, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/56 "2012-12-26T07:02:38Z")
I’m a little concerned that you say you’re looking at the pages of the daughter’s friends and trying to figure out where she works. I think you need to back off. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2012, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/57 "2012-12-26T13:47:29Z")
> [@cougar58](#): > > Just guessing. Yeah, you’re doing a lot of guessing here. And based on your imaginings, you want to jump in and mess around with these people’s lives because you know what’s best for them? Who do you think you are? Even if you knew the whole situation with certainty, it’s none of your business. The phrase “none of your business” was _invented_ for situations just like this. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2012, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/58 "2012-12-26T13:54:22Z")
**cougar** , I like you fine (so far as I know) and I am sorry that my last post has an angry tone, but the arrogance of people who don’t mind their own beeswax really grinds my gears. ---
**Author:** ![al27052](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@al27052](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/al27052)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2012, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/59 "2012-12-26T17:08:44Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > **cougar** , I like you fine (so far as I know) and I am sorry that my last post has an angry tone, but the arrogance of people who don’t mind their own beeswax really grinds my gears. Deal with an estate mess once or twice. You’ll change your tune, I guarantee. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2012, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899/60 "2012-12-26T17:48:28Z")
Here’s a thought: He knows exeactly why they cut him off, and he hasn’t chosen to admit it to you. If he should ask you to help him contact them, send them his contact info and then back off. Do not do it in such a way that their response is to contact through you. "I’m writing to inform you that your father is suffering from cancer. He asked me to let you know, and give you his contact information. Ph# Address" End of involvement. And only if he asks you to do so. At most, offer to do this and do it only if he wishes it. Also, it seems to me that you may be in a little deeper to supporting this man than you planned, and that you may (please ignore if wrong) be looking to offload him. Whether he gets in touch with his kids or not, you have a right to limit the amount of time and effort (and money!?!) you put into someone else’s life. Have a good long think about what you are willing to do and start saying “No” to anything over the limit. I strongly suspect that the first or second time you say “no” you’ll get a good understanding of why his family want nothing to do with him. Again, I’m going on very little info, so please ignore if wrong. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-w-cancer-should-i-inform-his-estranged-daughter/644899.md?page=4)