# Friend was fired 'cause she's involved w/a sex offender. What do I say? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 7, 2014, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720 "2014-02-07T01:59:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/61 "2014-02-07T22:28:41Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > And I’m pretty sure that the reason they immediately made that rule up is because none of them had ever remotely considered the possibility that one of their employees would be **in a relationship with a known pedophile**. Yep. A definite wait . …what? ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/62 "2014-02-07T22:36:54Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > No, it means they can fire you for no reason at all, or for any reason at all, as long as it doesn’t involve a protected class. > > If I’m in sales, and my employer says I’m being fired because I’m not making enough sales, that doesn’t give me a magic “get out of being fired” card. Yes, they can. But since 'at will" means they don;t have to give a reason, it’s stupid to do so. It can lead to bad publicity, a lawsuit, etc. You most certainly can sue if you’re fired in at will state for a silly reason, but you have to hire your own lawyer, etc. You can’t just file thru the State. “Not making enough sales” is Ok, but like I said- you have to be a idiot to give a reason in a “at will state”…unless you’re trying to get out of paying Unemployment. Why give a reason at all? ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/63 "2014-02-07T22:42:00Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > How do you fire someone for this? It’s a new rule, wouldn’t they have to at least send her a warning letter? Weird. And, “fraternizing”? How do they define that? I’m pretty sure it’s more “Hey, we need to fire this Shelley chick before parents find out one of our employees is dating a child-molester. Also, we need a rule that nobody is allowed to date child molesters.” It’s like the time I was at a hotel swimming pool that had the sign: “If you have had diarrhea in the last three weeks you are not allowed in the pool.” Somebody didn’t just come up with that rule out of thin air, there’s a reason it came into existence. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/64 "2014-02-07T22:43:04Z")
> [@Desert\_Dumpster](#): > > Actually, you should be. They are human beings. It’s very easy to pile on when the person/class at the bottom of the pile is despised. But when you can justify ignoring the civil rights of someone simply because you loathe them, that same justification just might be applied to you or me in the near future. (And no, that’s not merely a slippery slope argument.) > > The guy, at least in the eyes of the law, hasn’t re-offended. He served his time for the crime he committed. He deserves the benefit of the doubt. And yes, I know that some people, including some on this board, rabidly, vehemently, eyes-bulging-and-turning-purple, disagree with that premise. But y’know–civil rights still count even if you really, really feel that someone doesn’t deserve them. Hey, brand new poster defending child molesters. You’re too obvious. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/65 "2014-02-07T22:45:27Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > Yesbut, in that case they just say “Hey, so long and thanks for all the work, the door is that way”. Giving a reason like this means someone can complain or sue. Uh, most people complain when they get fired. It’s not something we enjoy having happen, normally. > [@DrDeth](#): > > Yes, they can. But since 'at will" means they don;t have to give a reason, it’s stupid to do so. It can lead to bad publicity, a lawsuit, etc. > > You most certainly can sue if you’re fired in at will state for a silly reason, but you have to hire your own lawyer, etc. You can’t just file thru the State. > > “Not making enough sales” is Ok, but like I said- you have to be a idiot to give a reason in a “at will state”…unless you’re trying to get out of paying Unemployment. > > Why give a reason at all? Bad publicity? As opposed to having an employee that’s dating a child diddler? I don’t think the PR on this will go the way you’re thinking. You really think the world would be better if people just got fired w/o being told why? ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/66 "2014-02-07T22:48:27Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > I am shocked by all the anti-pedophile bigotry in this country. Shocked. _snerk_ > [@choie](#): > > Regarding asking for more details – first, I’m pretty sure that was a joke on the poster’s part, because obviously I am reeeally not gonna be doing that. Same about giving more specifics on the town, because it _is_ so small and it would be irresponsible of me to post on a permanent message board, accessible via Google, the name of this podunk little backwater where five people live. […] > > Sigh. I’m not weeping sad tears for Rick, because to use a super-inappropriate phrase, he made his bed. (Assuming the conviction was just.) But the lives of everyone around him are affected, starting mostly with the child, her relatives and, now, Shelley. Nobody’s asking you for exact locations or identifying information. At least, _I’m_ not asking about that. All I asked about was the nature of Rick’s crime, esp. the victim’s age, and you can’t even come up with that. Also, kindly note that despite your friend losing _both_ of her jobs as well as not being eligible for unemployment, you are still feeling sympathy for Rick, the sexual predator, even if you don’t flat-out say it. Frankly, I’m not happy with pedophiles or any other kind of rapist. This is mostly a media hysteria thing, but their existence casts a dark light on all adult single men. Heck, just today, I tried to access a high school library to look up an old friend, but was turned away at the admin office due to policy (since I had attended a neighboring school, not my friend’s) and the secretary gave me a dirty look as if she’d assumed I was some kind of creepy stalker. (Naturally, she changed her tune and became apologetic once I looked her in the eye and gave her my name as well as the name of my friend, but she still couldn’t help me.) RICK has utterly ruined your friend’s life and livelihood, and unfortunately I must agree with everyone else that she has only herself to blame. Society sucks, but it’s a society we must exist & behave in. Had she not been a schoolteacher, my reaction would be different. But I think it’s clear to everyone now that your friend allowed herself to be toyed with by a dangerous manipulative psychopath. ---
**Author:** ![OleOneEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f14d63/32.png) [@OleOneEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OleOneEye)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/67 "2014-02-07T22:48:56Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > We don’t know, maybe you don’t know, but if Mr. SuperFreak has confessed to having that particular “mental illness”, we should assume the worst via Occam’s Razor. (Unless, in the case of 17-13, he’s been brainwashed by therapy.) … and/or was required to “confess” to get parole. As I understand it, if you want parole, you’re not allowed to deny guilt. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/68 "2014-02-07T22:56:48Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Hey, brand new poster defending child molesters. You’re too obvious. Y’see? This is the kind of prejudice I’m talking about. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/69 "2014-02-07T22:58:20Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > It’s like the time I was at a hotel swimming pool that had the sign: “If you have had diarrhea in the last three weeks you are not allowed in the pool.” . In ground pools are a pain to maintain, but if I ever have one I’m gonna be posting that sign. Although for close friends and relatives I’m willing to go with seven days. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/70 "2014-02-07T23:05:12Z")
Hey I think I found someone who also graduated from this one-room school house. > [@buddha\_david](#): > > Nobody’s asking you for exact locations or identifying information. At least, _I’m_ not asking about that. All I asked about was the nature of Rick’s crime, esp. the victim’s age, and you can’t even come up with that. “I can’t even come up with that”? I’m sorry, when did it become required that I determine and then hand over every piece of information to you? (And yes, someone else asked about the town.) If it’s none of my business to learn this, as I strongly feel it is, it is unbe_lievably_ much more none of _your_ freakin’ business. Jesus! Prurient interest is all well and good, hey it’s the official sport of IMHO, the Pit and MPSIMS not to mention countless snark boards, but it has nothing, bupkissimo, to do with the problem I posed in the OP. > [@](#): > > Also, kindly note that despite your friend losing _both_ of her jobs as well as not being eligible for unemployment, you are still feeling sympathy for Rick, the sexual predator, even if you don’t flat-out say it. Even if I don’t flat-out say it? In the paragraph you quoted, I _specifically_ said that I’m _not_ weeping sad tears for him. Reading Is Fundamental! > [@](#): > > Frankly, I’m not happy with pedophiles or any other kind of rapist. What a brave stance. I applaud you, sir. That is truly a courageous thing to say, in this day and age, among strangers and on a public forum. Kudos to you, and kudos again. > [@](#): > > This is mostly a media hysteria thing, but their existence casts a dark light on all adult single men. Heck, just today, I tried to access a high school library to look up an old friend, but was turned away at the admin office due to policy (since I had attended a neighboring school, not my friend’s) and the secretary gave me a dirty look as if she’d assumed I was some kind of creepy stalker. (Naturally, she changed her tune and became apologetic once I looked her in the eye and gave her my name as well as the name of my friend, but she still couldn’t help me.) Mmm hmmm. Naturally. Do you have PROOF that she changed her tune? No! You can’t even give us _that_! > [@](#): > > But I think it’s clear to everyone now that your friend allowed herself to be toyed with by a dangerous manipulative psychopath. Holy fucknuts, now he’s a psychopath. You know less about the situation than I do and you’re declaring him a psychopath. Words mean things, y’know. Anyhoo I thank everyone for helping me with the _reason I started this thread_, which was not to go into the revolting details of whatever happened, if it happened or when it happened. I’m being sympathetic to Shelley and trying to give her practical advice, and basically just listened with appropriate “mm hmm” noises when she called. That’ll continue to be my strategy, because that’s the most I feel comfortable doing. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/71 "2014-02-07T23:08:55Z")
> [@OleOneEye](#): > > … and/or was required to “confess” to get parole. As I understand it, if you want parole, you’re not allowed to deny guilt. No, I know he revealed his pedophilia to his family either a year or a few years before any of this happened. Then his sister/brother-in-law accused him of the crime, and eventually he was convicted. So, not a condition of parole. Unless you mean confessing the _crime_? That much, I don’t know. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/72 "2014-02-07T23:11:56Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > \*Not only does the criminal have a scarlet P for life, but apparently it attaches to the people they associate with. I had scarlet pee but the tablets cured it right up. ---
**Author:** ![JerrySTL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e274bd/32.png) [@JerrySTL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerrySTL)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/73 "2014-02-07T23:19:31Z")
I have a niece who married a sex offender and had children with him. The three children have been removed from her and he’s back in jail. I don’t know the full story, but it can’t be good. I say that your friend is a fool if she wants to be around children. Probably her best bet is to leave that guy and the area to start life fresh elsewhere. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/74 "2014-02-07T23:24:53Z")
The broad answer is to work to destroy all “at-will” regulations and force employers to have a good reason to fire someone and allow any employee to challenge a firing. That way, she can challenge the firing herself without needing to keep it a secret. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/75 "2014-02-07T23:39:21Z")
> [@choie](#): > > No, \*\*I know he revealed his pedophilia to his family either a year or a few years before any of this happened. Then his sister/brother-in-law accused him of the crime, and eventually he was convicted. \*\*So, not a condition of parole. Unless you mean confessing the _crime_? That much, I don’t know. Sorry. Doesn’t that chronology seem odd to you? I know you don’t know any context behind it, but isn’t it strange? If I were in Shelly’s shoes and loved kids as much as she must to have had two jobs working w/ them I’d have beat feet the minute my boyfriend told me he believes himself to be a pedophile. ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/76 "2014-02-07T23:44:14Z")
**choie** , the hard reality of the situation with your friend, Shelley, is that Rick will always be like a boat anchor, dragging her down, impeding her progress. He doesn’t ever pick her up at work, because he probably can’t get a driver’s license. Is he employable in this little town? Will he ever bring income into the family unit? It doesn’t matter how much she loves him. He might even be a nice guy. But she will drag this anchor behind her wherever she goes. She is young. A good friend would ask her what she sees in her future. If she says I will carry Rick’s worthless ass to the end of time, let her. Sometimes these things do work out. Just as long as you, and her, see what the relationship offers in the long run. Old people settle for ‘good enough’, young people should not. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/77 "2014-02-07T23:55:15Z")
> [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > Doesn’t that chronology seem odd to you? I know you don’t know any context behind it, but isn’t it strange? Yeah, it definitely seems odd to me. The whole _thing_ seems odd to me. I just can’t imagine getting involved with someone whose illness/proclivity/crime/whatever is so antithetical to my own hopes for the future. Or even if it wasn’t–I can barely handle my own neuroses, I would never want to deal with something this serious in a partner. The only way I know this chronology is by reading anti-RSO blogs that mention this guy (these are blogs go out of their way to find RSOs and post as much about them). According to them, he started a blog back in the mid-2000s to talk about his issues and advocate for better mental health treatment, so it would be less daunting for people to admit that they have a problem. He mentioned in this blog that he’d revealed his feelings to his family. Fast-forward a year or two and he was charged with the crime and eventually an R.S.O. I can read this a couple of ways, honestly. He came out and then did something so incredibly stupid to his own family, the one group of people who knew IRL that he was someone to watch. Or, he came out and his sister/bro-in-law were so squicked out that they wanted him away from their daughter and so accused him of a false crime. (That’s the most generous reading of the timeline, obviously. I don’t buy it but I suppose it’s possible if they’re that freaked out by his admission.) But who the hell knows the real story–well, only those involved I guess. > [@](#): > > If I were in Shelly’s shoes and loved kids as much as she must to have had two jobs working w/ them I’d have beat feet the minute my boyfriend told me he believes himself to be a pedophile. For. Realsies. Ever since I’ve known this and considered all the problems she’s making for herself by hooking up with someone with such issues, I’ve been thinking the same thing. Unfortunately this girl is _hella_ loyal and if she’s your friend she’ll basically believe you make the sun and stars shine. Even our pretty distant relationship, she is constantly thanking me as if I’ve given her a million bucks for the tiniest things I do (and stuff she’s paying me to do, so it’s not like favors for which she should be grateful). So I have the feeling she’s cast him in the role of Tortured Hero and she’s the Stoic Sweet Princess who brings out the prince in the beast. Everything I know about her fits this pattern–she’s one of those people who thinks the Phantom was a misunderstood hero in _Phantom of the Opera_. :rolleyes: Frustrating but she’s a sweet girl. I just look forward to the day that either she finally gets her eyes opened, or somehow this all turns out to have a happy ending that I can’t actually envision. ---
**Author:** ![Desert\_Dumpster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@Desert\_Dumpster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Desert_Dumpster)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2014, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/78 "2014-02-08T01:27:19Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Hey, brand new poster defending child molesters. You’re too obvious. Ridiculous oversimplification. The class of people I was logically referring to was convicted sex offenders who have served their sentences and been released. But for that matter, even child molesters _are_ people, and they do have rights. Otherwise, we could just crucify them or burn them alive, right? Or give them all life sentences regardless of their offenses, right? Oh, wait, internet registries… I reiterate my point that we must be prepared to defend the rights of those in society who are the most despised, or nobody’s rights actually mean anything. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2014, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/79 "2014-02-08T01:44:10Z")
> [@Desert\_Dumpster](#): > > Ridiculous oversimplification. The class of people I was logically referring to was convicted sex offenders who have served their sentences and been released. > > But for that matter, even child molesters _are_ people, and they do have rights. Otherwise, we could just crucify them or burn them alive, right? Or give them all life sentences regardless of their offenses, right? Oh, wait, internet registries… > > I reiterate my point that we must be prepared to defend the rights of those in society who are the most despised, or nobody’s rights actually mean anything. Pray tell, how has the sex offending pedophile in the OP had their rights challenged? ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2014, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720/80 "2014-02-08T02:02:44Z")
OP - Has she asked you for money? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-was-fired-cause-shes-involved-w-a-sex-offender-what-do-i-say/680720.md?page=5)