# Friend won't let me shower at his house, am I being unreasonable? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 19, 2022, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036 "2022-04-19T04:04:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/21 "2022-04-19T10:57:03Z")
Maybe it is the wife who objects? Some people are strange. Is there a Y somewhere close? Some campgrounds do have showers, but they are campground showers. I’d suck it up and sponge bathe for a day or two probably, but it would not be fun for me. I shower twice a day. ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/22 "2022-04-19T11:02:34Z")
At least now you know who is not your friend and possibly a jerk, better to know such things. If you can budget 3–5 gallons you can take a real shower (or whatever you want to call dumping a bucket of water over yourself), not even a “sponge bath”. I can’t tell you precisely how much water it takes even though I’ve done it plenty of times; basically, you need no more and no less than enough to rinse off all the soap. ---
**Author:** ![psychonaut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/psychonaut/32/4655_2.png) [@psychonaut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychonaut)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/23 "2022-04-19T11:10:40Z")
Is there a public swimming pool nearby? If so, paying admission there to use the shower will probably work out a lot cheaper than buying a gym membership or renting a room at a hotel. Train stations and airports sometimes have public showers as well; soap and a towel is usually included in the admission price. Last year our water heater broke and we were without hot water for about a week while we waited for a repair appointment. We made do with sponge baths, every other day, with water we heated on the stove and put into a bucket in the bathtub. One large bucket is more than enough to get your whole body wet for soaping up and then rinsing off. As @DPRK says, there will be enough left over to pour over your head for a short “shower”. ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/24 "2022-04-19T11:35:55Z")
> [@chela](#): > > My MIL had no problem using our shower when visiting but using someone else’s washing machine would give her the heebie jeebies. Ridiculous! So I take it she would never use a laundromat? ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/25 "2022-04-19T12:09:06Z")
Why was he showering at your house. That’s the weird part. That he’s used your shower, but doesn’t want you to use his. ---
**Author:** ![Capn\_Carl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/838e76/32.png) [@Capn\_Carl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capn_Carl)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/26 "2022-04-19T12:09:23Z")
I thought about her, too. The OP and others here write as if it’s all up to the OP’s friend. It isn’t. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/27 "2022-04-19T12:14:43Z")
I dunno, i think my husband could just tell a friend it’s okay to use the shower. So long as he warned me and our adult daughter, who lives here, that a stranger will show up, briefly, for the facilities. If my friend needed a shower, i might “ask” my husband after I’d said “yes” to the friend, or i might just tell him. I can’t imagine he’d say “no, they can’t shower here.” If he used our towels, is expect whoever invited him over to wash those towels. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/28 "2022-04-19T12:25:30Z")
Who the hell knows why. It’s odd after you letting him use your shower, but at the first sign of him not being interested in letting you use his shower, I would just move on to other options. I personally don’t care what the explanation is; he doesn’t owe me one. I may reconsider how much of a “friend” he might be, or I may not, depending on past behavior. People get weird and territorial about all sorts of stuff, and me wondering why or speculating why or demanding an explanation, is not helpful, IMHO. It’ll just make you more angry and stress you out. But being upset at this situation is certainly not unreasonable. ---
**Author:** ![Tibby](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tibby/32/17030_2.png) [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/29 "2022-04-19T12:29:16Z")
> [@Lord\_Feldon](#): > > Is this the same friend you [scolded for not owning enough hats](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-literally-only-owns-a-single-hat-am-i-the-asshole-for-thinking-you-should-own-more/853765)? Not wanting you to borrow his hat is unreasonable. Not wanting you to shower at his house is unreasonable. Not wanting you to borrow his hat and wear it in the shower is reasonable. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/30 "2022-04-19T12:33:23Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > People get weird and territorial about all sorts of stuff I think it is fair to say that friend is being unreasonable about not allowing reciprocal emergency showering. However, it is important to accept that it is actually OK for people to be _occasionally_ unreasonable about things. We all have our stupid little quirks, and those quirks don’t make us assholes or bad friends, they just mean we’re human. ---
**Author:** ![Tibby](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tibby/32/17030_2.png) [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/31 "2022-04-19T12:44:07Z")
I see 3 possibilities: 1. He’s busting your chops as a joke. But, you should know if he’s that type of jokester. 2. He’s pissed off at you for some reason. Denying you his shower could be reasonable depending on what you did to piss him off. 3. He’s an asshole. If it’s 1 or 2, keep him as a friend, with caution. If it’s 3, kick him to the curb. I believe since he used your shower with no qualms, that negates the quirk possibility. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/32 "2022-04-19T12:46:45Z")
I’m not a person who absolutely must have a shower every day - but the people I know who must have a shower each day are somewhat inflexible about the timing. They take a shower first thing each morning or after they have coffee or every day after they get home from work or right before bed or . . . But the person who needs a shower first thing every morning in order to be able to function can’t take one after work instead and so on. So I’m wondering if the friend’s refusal to let you use the shower is related to timing ? I mean, although I would normally let a friend or neighbor use my shower , it might be different if they were going to come over and shower at 5 am (because they leave for work at 6 ) when I don’t normally wake up until 7:30. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/33 "2022-04-19T12:50:37Z")
Absolutely ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/34 "2022-04-19T12:56:34Z")
No, the horror! ---
**Author:** ![k9bfriender](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k9bfriender/32/3283_2.png) [@k9bfriender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k9bfriender)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/35 "2022-04-19T13:14:32Z")
That was kinda my thought on the matter. It’s one thing to be over at a friend’s and be working or playing and need to wash up and use their shower. It’s another to expect a friend to let me in their house at 7am so that I can take a shower before work. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/36 "2022-04-19T13:32:50Z")
I’d say this gives you information as to how strong of a friendship this guy thinks the 2 of you enjoy. Which should inform your assessment of the relation. Personally, I’m with the “couple of days of sponge baths won’t kill you” camp. And yeah - what were the circumstances when he was showering at your place? And the **“absolutely needs a hot shower once a day to function”** sounds a bit extreme. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/37 "2022-04-19T13:50:43Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > I have to ask, if you are visiting him and need to use the toilet do you have to go home? Maybe the friend is this poster! > [@No, you can't use my bathroom](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/no-you-cant-use-my-bathroom/311491): > > Dear random worker who is doing random work in my home, Stop taking 15 minute dumps in my bathroom. It’s fucking disgusting. See that van you rolled up in? The one with the letters and business phone number on the side? Take your fat ass, get in your van and go to the local gas station. Wreck their bathroom. In fact, don’t wreck their bathroom either. The only place you should be taking shits is in your own home, you reckless bathroom stinker asshole. It’s been two days since you and your par… ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/38 "2022-04-19T14:06:49Z")
Well, that thread was interesting … and definitely goes to show how _odd_ some people can be about things 98% of the rest of the human population wouldn’t have a problem with. Best not to go into a deep psychological dive or cast aspersions on it – it will do no good. Just accept some people are wired differently and have very different boundaries than you. As long as there are not other things in the friendship that raise red flags, it’s just something to accept as an irrational quirk. Lord knows we all have them. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/39 "2022-04-19T14:15:31Z")
> [@Asuka](#): > > Now I’m angry at the fact I’ve let him shower at my house multiple times in the past and suddenly the one time I need that favor back he starts getting fucking fresh. Did you remind the friend that he’d used your shower in the past? If so, what was his response? ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2022, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036/40 "2022-04-19T14:17:31Z")
BTW, if a local gym won’t let you use their showers without paying, there may be municipal facilities you can use. Years ago my parents’ house was without power for over a week after a hurricane and they used the showers at the town pool. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-wont-let-me-shower-at-his-house-am-i-being-unreasonable/963036.md?page=3)