# "Friend zone" dilemma **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 12, 2014, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306 "2014-05-12T22:33:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2014, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/41 "2014-05-14T23:42:41Z")
> [@Robert163](#): > > ok… but the point is, you are both attractive enough, or of similar level of attractiveness that you could date if you had met as strangers? that is a different dynamic than two people of unequal level of attractiveness trying to “be friends”. > > (not arguing with you, giving you my thoughts) Certainly. Early 20’s, both good looking (at least I would say so, neither of us had any trouble attracting people), lots of similar interests and so on. The dating topic came up because sometimes people would mistake us for a couple. ---
**Author:** ![Bozuit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@Bozuit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bozuit)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/42 "2014-05-15T00:02:16Z")
> [@wellanuff](#): > > ]Everytime you see her looking like a knockout, your penis is going to look up at you pleadingly and say, “Please? Can we? I bet this time she says yes!” And every time you behave yourself (and you will, because you are a decent man), your penis is going to hate you just a little bit more. Why be mean to the little fellow? He’ll be much happier in the long run if you chalk this one up to experience and work on finding someone who wants to be your friend AND your lover. > > … > > She just won’t be available to text or have lunch as often as before. And then it will be: “Drew, I’ve gotten engaged, and we’re having a little party to celebrate, We hope you’ll be able to come!” And of course your big brain will say all the right things about how glad you are for her and how lucky he is, but all the while your penis brain is going to be saying “dammit! dammit! dammit! dammit!” I know it’s a bit of a hijack, but I’m so tired of this “men thinking with their dicks” thing. I’m a man, and not an especially pure or virtuous one, but I’m quite capable of being attracted to women for reasons other than sex. I won’t pretend looks aren’t a bonus, but if I get to know a woman and I’m attracted to her, the physical attraction is a manifestation of my attraction to her as a person, and not the other way round. I imagine this experience isn’t unique to me. It sounds like **drewc** is in exactly this situation. ---
**Author:** ![drewc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/edb3f5/32.png) [@drewc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewc)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/43 "2014-05-15T00:04:44Z")
> [@Bozuit](#): > > I know it’s a bit of a hijack, but I’m so tired of this “men thinking with their dicks” thing. I’m a man, and not an especially pure or virtuous one, but I’m quite capable of being attracted to women for reasons other than sex. I won’t pretend looks aren’t a bonus, but if I get to know a woman and I’m attracted to her, the physical attraction is a manifestation of my attraction to her as a person, and not the other way round. I imagine this experience isn’t unique to me. It sounds like **drewc** is in exactly this situation. Bingo! ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/44 "2014-05-15T03:31:01Z")
Everyone already gave you all the advice, so I’ll just chime in to say two things: 1. I also think backing off and giving her some space is a good idea. It’ll probably be impossible for you not to obsess about it a little, but try to minimize that while you’re waiting for the awkwardness to settle down. 2. You’re a good, decent man who’s funny and has great taste in music. I know it’s hard to do between parenting and working, but if you could try to expand your social circle a little more, sooner or later you’ll meet someone who wants to be more than just a friend. 3. You have nothing to prove. There’s no way in hell you’d use the term “friend zone” in a non-ironic way. Wait. Three things. I had three things to say. ---
**Author:** ![emcee2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emcee2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emcee2k)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/45 "2014-05-15T07:18:20Z")
Not really the relationship expert nearly everyone else here seems to be, so I can’t tell you what your first mistake was. I can tell you what your second mistake was though: coming here for relationship advice. ---
**Author:** ![bucketybuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@bucketybuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bucketybuck)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/46 "2014-05-15T07:46:14Z")
You are making the classic mistake of people who just want to stay friends, ie: you are not actually treating her like any of your other friends. Think of your best male friend. Are you going to ask him to be explicit about his boundaries or what he wants? of course you aren’t, because he is just a mate. Would your life be over if you didn’t see him for a few weeks? Of course it wouldn’t, he is just a mate and you will catch up soon. You aren’t applying the same standard to this woman, you really need to relax, stop over thinking things, and if you really want to be friends with her then you need to start treating her as just a friend. ---
**Author:** ![wellanuff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@wellanuff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wellanuff)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 8:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/47 "2014-05-15T08:52:22Z")
> [@Bozuit](#): > > I know it’s a bit of a hijack, but I’m so tired of this “men thinking with their dicks” thing. I’m a man, and not an especially pure or virtuous one, but I’m quite capable of being attracted to women for reasons other than sex. I won’t pretend looks aren’t a bonus, but if I get to know a woman and I’m attracted to her, the physical attraction is a manifestation of my attraction to her as a person, and not the other way round. I imagine this experience isn’t unique to me. It sounds like **drewc** is in exactly this situation. I’m not questioning your or Drew’s ability to “be attracted to women for reasons other than sex.” I’m certainly not saying he’s thinking with his dick…more like his dick has got an opinion now, and it is going to be tortuous to try to maintain the level of friendship he had if he also wants to have sex with this woman. He has already gotten to the point of “physical attraction.” How he got there (whether through months of close friendship or because of some hypothetical directly sex-based means such as seeing her lounging on a bed in seductive lingerie) is not the point. He refers to how he wants to step the friendship up a notch, and how hard it is going to be to ignore his feelings for her now that she is even more physically attractive. I assume these feelings involve a desire for PIV sex. Otherwise, what is the fuss? He already had an extremely close relationship with her. If it wasn’t about sex, then he was stupid to say anything, because I guarantee she thought he was talking about sex. Can Drew fight off his base urges and manage to not attempt to rape this woman? Of course. I said as much in my original reply. But he wants to have sex with her, and if he can’t he wants to still maintain the previous level of close friendship that led to his desire…i’m just saying that just sounds like a recipe for ongoing frustration. If his physical desire for her was much more casual and easily dismissed than I’m assuming, then again he made a huge mistake in telling her he wanted to step the friendship up a notch. He says he has plenty of opportunities to date; if this friendship was so important, he should never have risked it over a casual desire for sex. ---
**Author:** ![drewc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/edb3f5/32.png) [@drewc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewc)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/48 "2014-05-15T14:13:51Z")
> [@InternetLegend](#): > > Everyone already gave you all the advice, so I’ll just chime in to say two things: > > 1. I also think backing off and giving her some space is a good idea. It’ll probably be impossible for you not to obsess about it a little, but try to minimize that while you’re waiting for the awkwardness to settle down. > > 2. You’re a good, decent man who’s funny and has great taste in music. I know it’s hard to do between parenting and working, but if you could try to expand your social circle a little more, sooner or later you’ll meet someone who wants to be more than just a friend. > > 3. You have nothing to prove. There’s no way in hell you’d use the term “friend zone” in a non-ironic way. > > Wait. Three things. I had three things to say. Thanks D 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/49 "2014-05-15T14:53:13Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > I personally have have numerous very close friendships like that with no intention of it ever being anything else. One that springs to mind, we would see each other practically daily, regular phone calls, going out to the club together virtually every weekend, etc. We had talked about if we should date and both laughed about it…would’ve been like dating a sibling. I was at a party the other week chatting to a friend, a male friend, a man! A newcomer to our little circle observed that he could tell we were a happy couple who’d been together for 20 years or so, so comfortable was our banter. We’re not a couple. Another friend chimes in - "yeah, so after 20 years (I’ve known the dude for about 5 years as she knows) how’s the sex? “No complaints, right Boo?” Says my mate. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![delsina363](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a6a055/32.png) [@delsina363](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delsina363)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/50 "2014-05-15T19:54:54Z")
Just my opinion Drew. I think you best forget about her and your friendship with her. Friendship changes when one crosses a bridge the other one is not ready to cross. Not saying you should not have expressed your feelings, however, I believe there is no going back. I find her behaviour very strange. It would appear with her texting, talking, calling, meeting the others children, she was interested too. I would say nothing, do nothing, and leave any further relationship, friendship or otherwise up to her. You told her how you felt, trying to explain further, or sending her a letter, or reading her a letter will just come off as creepy to her. Good Luck, I hope you let us know how this all turns out. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![drewc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/edb3f5/32.png) [@drewc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewc)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/51 "2014-05-16T01:13:24Z")
> [@delsina363](#): > > Just my opinion Drew. I think you best forget about her and your friendship with her. Friendship changes when one crosses a bridge the other one is not ready to cross. Not saying you should not have expressed your feelings, however, I believe there is no going back. > > I find her behaviour very strange. It would appear with her texting, talking, calling, meeting the others children, she was interested too. > > I would say nothing, do nothing, and leave any further relationship, friendship or otherwise up to her. You told her how you felt, trying to explain further, or sending her a letter, or reading her a letter will just come off as creepy to her. > > Good Luck, I hope you let us know how this all turns out. 🙂 Well there is an update of sorts. My daughter was asking tonight about the Mem Day cookout we had planned, as she was looking forward to it (and she of course knows nothing of the drama). Having no idea the answer, I just laid a straight-up question: We still on for the cookout, as drewckid asked about it tonight? Turns out yes, we are still on, except for the following weekend instead. She said “We can let the kids play at the park.” So there’s that… ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/52 "2014-05-16T01:20:44Z")
> [@drewc](#): > > Well there is an update of sorts. My daughter was asking tonight about the Mem Day cookout we had planned, as she was looking forward to it (and she of course knows nothing of the drama). Having no idea the answer, I just laid a straight-up question: We still on for the cookout, as drewckid asked about it tonight? Turns out yes, we are still on, except for the following weekend instead. She said “We can let the kids play at the park.” So there’s that… That sounds like good news. Hopefully you can get back to a place of good friends. They can be hard to come by, would be a shame to lose one over something like that. ---
**Author:** ![delsina363](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a6a055/32.png) [@delsina363](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delsina363)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/53 "2014-05-16T14:06:24Z")
> [@drewc](#): > > Well there is an update of sorts. My daughter was asking tonight about the Mem Day cookout we had planned, as she was looking forward to it (and she of course knows nothing of the drama). Having no idea the answer, I just laid a straight-up question: We still on for the cookout, as drewckid asked about it tonight? Turns out yes, we are still on, except for the following weekend instead. She said “We can let the kids play at the park.” So there’s that… That is great news. I am such a pessimist :smack: I am glad you guys are still having your cookout. That may just be the thing you both need to get over any tension their may be. I hope you have a great day. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306/54 "2014-05-16T15:12:38Z")
> [@PurpleClogs](#): > > …Just be normal. The more you bring it up the more it will make her uncomfortable and then she really will avoid you. Definitely. She said she just wants to be friends; just be a friend. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friend-zone-dilemma/688306.md?page=2)