# Friends with Benefits -- WTF? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 17, 2013, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531 "2013-10-17T23:03:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/21 "2013-10-18T00:29:35Z")
> [@PaulParkhead](#): > > Agree that most people are interested in sex, I don’t agree that people who don’t have casual sex are uptight. Many folks simply don’t want sex outside of a committed relationship. > > I simply don’t pass judgement on those who _do_. I wish this board had a like or vote up button. Yes, sex is awesome, but casual sex isn’t awesome for everyone. Some people prefer an atmosphere of familiarity and trust to relax and enjoy sex. That’s a preference, not a hang-up. ---
**Author:** ![boytyperanma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4491bb/32.png) [@boytyperanma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boytyperanma)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/22 "2013-10-18T00:33:11Z")
> [@Roderick\_Femm](#): > > There are, but they’re all gay. As a single gay man, this is a complete myth. Gay men are just as or more fucked up then the ones described. If any of you ladies fall for a decent trustworthy emotionally well adjusted guy who turns out to be gay please send him my way. ---
**Author:** ![SerafinaPekala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@SerafinaPekala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SerafinaPekala)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/23 "2013-10-18T00:57:14Z")
> [@boytyperanma](#): > > As a single gay man, this is a complete myth. Gay men are just as or more fucked up then the ones described. > > If any of you ladies fall for a decent trustworthy emotionally well adjusted guy who turns out to be gay please send him my way. Actually I have. What are your qualifications please? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![LinusK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@LinusK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LinusK)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/24 "2013-10-18T01:08:52Z")
It sounds like you just need to put it in your profile that you’re not interested in sex. I suspect that would cure the problem, completely. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/25 "2013-10-18T01:09:57Z")
There’s nothing wrong with you wanting to have sex only within a committed relationship and not finding these proposals appealing, but I don’t get how they would be using you. ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/26 "2013-10-18T01:24:42Z")
> [@aNewLeaf](#): > > Everyone is interested in sex. And the opposite of casual is uptight. In my humble single opinion. I thought the opposite of casual was formal? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![boytyperanma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4491bb/32.png) [@boytyperanma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boytyperanma)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/27 "2013-10-18T02:10:20Z")
> [@SerafinaPekala](#): > > Actually I have. What are your qualifications please? 🙂 Within an hour of me, 25-55, smart, employed, active, tall is good too. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![SerafinaPekala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@SerafinaPekala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SerafinaPekala)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/28 "2013-10-18T02:27:19Z")
Thanks boy! I guess I worded the Q poorly. I meant to say, what are your own good qualities? Im not pimping my Good Thang out to just anyone yanno 😉 ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/29 "2013-10-18T02:29:45Z")
> [@aNewLeaf](#): > > Everyone is interested in sex. And the opposite of casual is uptight. In my humble single opinion. The opposite of casual sex is sex within a long term committed relationship, what’s wrong with that? I’m about the same age as the OP and a woman as well, based on my own experiences as well as those of my friends and relatives, having casual sex with a potential love mate almost guarantees nothing but a one night stand. Whereas, being a little more respectful of yourself gives men a chance to get to know you. The goal is love in addition to lust, not JUST lust. ---
**Author:** ![Lok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e8c25b/32.png) [@Lok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lok)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/30 "2013-10-18T03:41:55Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > I am becoming more and more convinced that there are no decent, trustworthy, emotionally healthy single men left in the world. :(☹ Damn! Was looking good until you got to the emotionally healthy part. Always a deal-breaker. ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/31 "2013-10-18T03:56:28Z")
It’s obvious what the OP’s problem is: she is completely passive in her online dating: she waits for men to message her. Instead she should be searching profiles and sending messages to the men of interest. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/32 "2013-10-18T04:25:35Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > It’s obvious what the OP’s problem is: she is completely passive in her online dating: she waits for men to message her. Instead she should be searching profiles and sending messages to the men of interest. I’d be interested in seeing how many men our age prefer this (I don’t know, I’m just wondering). The OP is in her mid 50s, presumably the men she’s dating are somewhere around that age too. They, like many of us of “a certain age” do have more traditional ways of dating, so I don’t think she’s really doing anything all that wrong. 50s doper men, what do you think? ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/33 "2013-10-18T06:24:33Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > The OP is in her mid 50s, presumably the men she’s dating are somewhere around that age too. They, like many of us of “a certain age” do have more traditional ways of dating, so I don’t think she’s really doing anything all that wrong. I, for one, do not (would not ever) mind if the woman initiates contact, regardless of the situation. I’m 58. This does **not** mean that I’m looking for a wife. On the contrary, I’ve had enough learning experience in my life to completely turn me off of the idea. Until that one-in-four-billion woman comes my way, I’m perfectly cool with keeping things casual. I respect any woman who wants a more serious relationship, but I think a great many older men feel the same way I do. She may not find anyone who fits her bill. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/34 "2013-10-18T07:26:06Z")
> [@LinusK](#): > > It sounds like you just need to put it in your profile that you’re not interested in sex. I suspect that would cure the problem, completely. I must have skipped where she says that she’s not interested in sex. What I read was that she didn’t want to just be a sexual outlet for the guys who wanted sex without commitment. She might be VERY interested in sex within a committed relationship. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/35 "2013-10-18T10:47:40Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > I’m about the same age as the OP and a woman as well, based on my own experiences as well as those of my friends and relatives, having casual sex with a potential love mate almost guarantees nothing but a one night stand. Whereas, being a little more respectful of yourself gives men a chance to get to know you. Different goals and different people call for different strategies. I think your idea of casual sex never leading to anything more is an interesting point, though I think it really depends on the situation and the type of people involved. I have some anecdotal evidence to the contrary, too. However, I do want to object, and strongly, to the the part of your post where you talk about a woman “being a little more respectful” of herself. Look, I’m totally one hundred percent respectful of myself. I also have a tendency to sleep with people who take my fancy in very casual settings. We both know what we’re in for, it’s fun and it says absolutely nothing negative about my self respect. ---
**Author:** ![aNewLeaf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ac91a4/32.png) [@aNewLeaf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aNewLeaf)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/36 "2013-10-18T11:32:35Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > The opposite of casual sex is sex within a long term committed relationship, what’s wrong with that? How do you get into a long term committed loving relation with someone you haven’t had sex with? And why would you? What if you’re completely incompatible? I can live with a woman who leaves the cap off the toothpaste. I can’t live with a woman who doesn’t like to receive oral sex. I’d hate to find out after three years of commitment that the relationship was doomed over something that could be determined so much earlier. ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/37 "2013-10-18T12:26:49Z")
> [@sisu](#): > > But sex while shopping sounds ideal. I got thrown out of a Kroger for that once. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/38 "2013-10-18T12:40:00Z")
> [@woodstockbirdybird](#): > > I’m surprised anybody over the age of 25 would even put forward the idea of friends with benefits. That is uncharacteristically insanely naive. WTF, people, both approaches and everything in between are perfectly ok so long as everyone is being honest. I am in my late 40s and have been divorced for several years. I have had no shortage of female friends over a wide age range who are perfectly happy with a FWB situation for various reasons. I’ve also been in a few committed relationships, a couple of which started out as casual. Just after getting divorced, I would read about online dating experiences here and was dreading a life of loneliness. Luckily my experience was much better than how things seemed to be in Doperville. Yeah, it can be a bit of a grind but it’s been a hell of a ride. The conventional wisdom is true. It’s a numbers game. Keep on trying and don’t get bitter. No one likes bitter. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/39 "2013-10-18T13:12:07Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > That is uncharacteristically insanely naive. > > WTF, people, both approaches and everything in between are perfectly ok so long as everyone is being honest. I am in my late 40s and have been divorced for several years. I have had no shortage of female friends over a wide age range who are perfectly happy with a FWB situation for various reasons. I’ve also been in a few committed relationships, a couple of which started out as casual. > > Just after getting divorced, I would read about online dating experiences here and was dreading a life of loneliness. Luckily my experience was much better than how things seemed to be in Doperville. Yeah, it can be a bit of a grind but it’s been a hell of a ride. The conventional wisdom is true. It’s a numbers game. Keep on trying and don’t get bitter. No one likes bitter. I agree. In fact I found things much easier in my mid 40s than when I was young. Both sides are better able to articulate what we want. Fewer games. More sex. Now I found who I want to be with and we are happy. Before that having FWBs made life much nicer for all involved. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/40 "2013-10-18T13:24:38Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > I am becoming more and more convinced that there are no decent, trustworthy, emotionally healthy single men left in the world. :(☹ Maybe you’re not clear up front about what you’re looking for. There are plenty of decent, trustworthy, emotionally healthy single men out there. Some are interested in casual sex, and some aren’t. But frankly (and I say this as a middle-aged man), I’d be more surprised that people of my age are interested in finding someone to settle down with long-term than learning that they’re interested in a FWB relationship. By this point in our lives, many of us have been married, raised kids, and been with someone we intended to spend the rest of our lives with. To have done that and now find ourselves single, I think it’s perfectly understandable to want to play the field a bit. And let’s face it- nobody’s trying to project an image of virginal purity anymore. We’re responsible adults, and a little harmless casual sex while we decide if you’re the perfect woman is perfectly normal. But to say that there aren’t any healthy, stable men out there just because the ones you’re meeting are OK with casual sex is a fallacy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531.md?page=3)