# Friends with Benefits -- WTF? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 17, 2013, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531 "2013-10-17T23:03:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![LinusK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@LinusK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LinusK)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/41 "2013-10-18T13:34:49Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > I must have skipped where she says that she’s not interested in sex. What I read was that she didn’t want to just be a sexual outlet for the guys who wanted sex without commitment. She might be VERY interested in sex within a committed relationship. Maybe the part about feeling used is what threw me off. Anyway, if she puts her feelings about it, whatever they are, in her profile, she can avoid these indecent men, who are interested in sex, without being married first. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/42 "2013-10-18T14:38:03Z")
FWB is a wonderful thing, says this 43yo man. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/43 "2013-10-18T14:54:15Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > FWB is a wonderful thing, says this 43yo man. \ ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/44 "2013-10-18T14:57:14Z")
Men at that age are discovering they are the dating equivalent of a hot girl in their 20s and are starting to act like it. ---
**Author:** ![want2befree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3e96dc/32.png) [@want2befree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/want2befree)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/45 "2013-10-18T14:59:43Z")
I became single at 42, and ALL I met were guys who wanted FWB. ---
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/46 "2013-10-18T15:07:51Z")
51-yo woman. If I found myself suddenly single, I doubt I would look for anyone interested in a serious, committed relationship for at least several years. I’m right behind the idea of casual dating with sex as part of it. I’d still be fairly picky I think - not just desperate, lonely woman looking to have sex with anyone who asks, but for myself the idea of wanting to go into another LTR is way more unlikely than the idea of wanting to have fun dates that may or may not end up in the sack. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/47 "2013-10-18T15:15:39Z")
Unless they explicitly said they just wanted to hook up I think the OP jumped to a bad conclusion about these guys. Dating someone that far of a drive away sounds like a drag and if I was on the dating scene I think I’d want to keep my options open, too, until things got more serious. Plus, it sounds like you were pursuing both these guys at the same time and then you balk when they want to do the same. Kind of hypocritical. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/48 "2013-10-18T15:23:09Z")
> [@Glazer](#): > > I’m in a FWB situation. It’s mostly because she has her life and I have mine. Her kid is grown but still at home along with her kids boyfriend. That’s not for me. > > It’s more like perpetual dating. And I feel it keeps things romantic. When we see each other it’s special. A break from the everyday. > > I know I’m not easy to live with. I like my alone time. I can sit alone reading or what not and be fine. I get easily annoyed with people talking just to talk. And it has ruined more relationships than I can count. I’m very lucky to have someone on the same page as me. You could be me, I like my alone time and I’m in the same situation except her kid isn’t grown yet. I think as long as you’re clear on what you want out of the relationship and your limits, then your potential partners shouldn’t hold your views against you. ---
**Author:** ![Fubaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@Fubaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fubaya)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/49 "2013-10-18T15:29:16Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > I am becoming more and more convinced that there are no decent, trustworthy, emotionally healthy single men left in the world. :(☹ Unfortunately, this screws things up for us good guys. I haven’t done the online dating thing much but from what I have done, it seems to be nearly impossible to actually talk to someone without them assuming you’re a creep. After a few times, I just give up for a while. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/50 "2013-10-18T15:40:23Z")
> [@LinusK](#): > > Maybe the part about feeling used is what threw me off. Anyway, if she puts her feelings about it, whatever they are, in her profile, she can avoid these indecent men, who are interested in sex, **without being married first**. I see what you did there. Have you always been this easily amused? ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/51 "2013-10-18T15:59:06Z")
> [@LinusK](#): > > It sounds like you just need to put it in your profile that you’re not interested in sex. I suspect that would cure the problem, completely. > [@LinusK](#): > > Maybe the part about feeling used is what threw me off. Anyway, if she puts her feelings about it, whatever they are, in her profile, she can avoid these indecent men, who are interested in sex, without being married first. I don’t think she said she didn’t like sex or had any moral qualms about FWB. But she did say that both these guys claimed to want an LTR, but she didn’t fit the criteria so they floated the idea that she keep them entertained until they found someone better. See? Bolding mine. That’s kind of demeaning. > [@jayrey](#): > > This time, I’ve met two men, b **oth who say they really, really want long-term relationships** but who have suggested that we be, essentially, friends with benefits. That is, they like me a lot and want to see me but want to keep their options open, in both cases, in hopes of meeting someone who lives closer to them (I’m about a 45-minute drive away and am willing to share in the traveling). \*\*As I see it, they basically want to have sex with me while they’re still shopping. \*\* Not a thing in the world wrong with those who prefer to stay single or state outright that they are just looking for a sex thing, but there’s also nothing wrong with someone who prefers to have sex with someone who may be interested in a long term commitment. “Hey, I don’t see you as someone I could be with long term, but I’ll bang you while I continue to look for the love of my life. That cool with you?” ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/52 "2013-10-18T16:01:52Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > . > > . “Hey, I don’t see you as someone I could be with long term, but I’ll bang you while I continue to look for the love of my life. That cool with you?” That would be cool with me, and probably a lot oif people. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/53 "2013-10-18T16:02:52Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > It’s obvious what the OP’s problem is: she is completely passive in her online dating: she waits for men to message her. Instead she should be searching profiles and sending messages to the men of interest. > [@CanvasShoes](#): > > I’d be interested in seeing how many men our age prefer this (I don’t know, I’m just wondering). The OP is in her mid 50s, presumably the men she’s dating are somewhere around that age too. They, like many of us of “a certain age” do have more traditional ways of dating, so I don’t think she’s really doing anything all that wrong. Here’s my crackpot theory: By the time you reach middle adulthood, most of the “good guys” are indeed “taken.” That is, a lot of the men who are both interested in being in a stable, committed relationship, and who are well-suited to one, have already found that relationship that they’re looking for, especially if they’ve been actively and aggressively pursuing women. Of the ones who _haven’t_ found such a relationship, but who don’t otherwise have anything really wrong with them, it’s likely to be because they aren’t as aggressive at, or as skillful at, or as interested in, the pursuit. This would include recent divorces, widowers, etc. who have a lot more (or at least a lot more recent) experience at being married than at meeting and dating. So a woman who’s looking for a good man may have to take more initiative than she’d like. ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/54 "2013-10-18T16:07:26Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > That would be cool with me, and probably a lot oif people. But probably not cool with the OP, who is looking for a relationship. Right? ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/55 "2013-10-18T16:36:08Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > It’s obvious what the OP’s problem is: she is completely passive in her online dating: she waits for men to message her. Instead she should be searching profiles and sending messages to the men of interest. Where on earth did you get this hare-brained idea? I’ve messaged a lot of men that “appear” – an important word! – to want what I want. Your assertion is impertient and baseless. What I’m finding is that, while I am very honest about my life situation in my profile, many, many men are not. They don’t tell you that they are separated but still married, or only a few weeks out of a long-term relationship, or unemployed, or really just looking for to score as much as possible. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/56 "2013-10-18T16:38:42Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > Men at that age are discovering they are the dating equivalent of a hot girl in their 20s and are starting to act like it. Hell yes! Life is good. A fit middle aged man with a reasonable amount of wealth is a kid in a candy store. > [@Fubaya](#): > > Unfortunately, this screws things up for us good guys. I haven’t done the online dating thing much but from what I have done, it seems to be nearly impossible to actually talk to someone without them assuming you’re a creep. After a few times, I just give up for a while. Sorry to say but it’s just you. Not to say that you’re a creep, but for some reason you might be coming off like one. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/57 "2013-10-18T17:16:45Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > Maybe you’re not clear up front about what you’re looking for. There are plenty of decent, trustworthy, emotionally healthy single men out there. Some are interested in casual sex, and some aren’t. But frankly (and I say this as a middle-aged man), I’d be more surprised that people of my age are interested in finding someone to settle down with long-term than learning that they’re interested in a FWB relationship. > > By this point in our lives, many of us have been married, raised kids, and been with someone we intended to spend the rest of our lives with. To have done that and now find ourselves single, I think it’s perfectly understandable to want to play the field a bit. And let’s face it- nobody’s trying to project an image of virginal purity anymore. We’re responsible adults, and a little harmless casual sex while we decide if you’re the perfect woman is perfectly normal. > > But to say that there aren’t any healthy, stable men out there just because the ones you’re meeting are OK with casual sex is a fallacy. I obviously was not clear here on my definition of FWB and why it bothered me. I have made it clear to the men I go out with more than once or twice that I am interested in a long-term, committed relationship. I do not need marriage, or even to live together if that isn’t right for both of us, but I do want someone who is interested enough in me, that is, in ALL of me, to want to see me exclusively. Of course we will be having sex. The point is, they need to be interested enough, mature enough, to be exclusive. The two men I’m complaining about both claimed they wanted a committed relationship, but it quickly became clear that they were enjoying playing the field. I don’t care if a man wants to play the field, but he’s not going to be having sex with me WHILE HE IS CONTINUING TO DATE OTHER WOMEN. I have no interest in being part of someone’s harem. A note on “trustworthy.” What I meant by that was a man whom I could believe what he said about himself and about what he wanted. There seem to be quite a few men who say they want x when they know perfectly well they want y. I’m tired of being lied to. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/58 "2013-10-18T17:21:52Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > I don’t think she said she didn’t like sex or had any moral qualms about FWB. But she did say that both these guys claimed to want an LTR, but she didn’t fit the criteria so they floated the idea that she keep them entertained until they found someone better. See? Bolding mine. That’s kind of demeaning. > > Not a thing in the world wrong with those who prefer to stay single or state outright that they are just looking for a sex thing, but there’s also nothing wrong with someone who prefers to have sex with someone who may be interested in a long term commitment. “Hey, I don’t see you as someone I could be with long term, but I’ll bang you while I continue to look for the love of my life. That cool with you?” **Clee** , I’m just going to let you write my posts for me in the future. You are spot on! Thanks for understanding. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/59 "2013-10-18T17:24:01Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > I obviously was not clear here on my definition of FWB and why it bothered me. > > I have made it clear to the men I go out with more than once or twice that I am interested in a long-term, committed relationship. I do not need marriage, or even to live together if that isn’t right for both of us, but I do want someone who is interested enough in me, that is, in ALL of me, to want to see me exclusively. Of course we will be having sex. The point is, they need to be interested enough, mature enough, to be exclusive. > > The two men I’m complaining about both claimed they wanted a committed relationship, but it quickly became clear that they were enjoying playing the field. I don’t care if a man wants to play the field, but he’s not going to be having sex with me WHILE HE IS CONTINUING TO DATE OTHER WOMEN. I have no interest in being part of someone’s harem. This is totally reasonable. Sex only happens if there is exclusivity first. > [@](#): > > A note on “trustworthy.” What I meant by that was a man whom I could believe what he said about himself and about what he wanted. There seem to be quite a few men who say they want x when they know perfectly well they want y. I’m tired of being lied to. Women do the same thing, but probably not at the same rate as men. I have had the “Oh, by the way, I am married but he’s totally cool with this” experience and I was not pleased. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/60 "2013-10-18T17:45:06Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > “Hey, I don’t see you as someone I could be with long term, but I’ll bang you while I continue to look for the love of my life. That cool with you?” I’m all for people doing whatever floats their boat, but the problem with the scenario you describe is it so often results in a power differential. I know a woman who had a FWB relationship with a guy for years. She was 100% completely up front about it the entire time, sometimes _brutally_ honest (‘‘the second I meet someone new, it’s over’’), but he was madly in love with her and followed her around like a lovesick puppy dog. She continued to take advantage of him knowing his feelings for her and he was quite miserable when she finally came to her senses and broke it off for good. Within a year of that, she met the love of her life and got married. So I actually think the situation was detrimental to both of them, in that it broke his heart and prevented her from actually finding someone she _did_ want to commit to. A complete waste of time for both of them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531.md?page=4)