# Friends with Benefits -- WTF? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 17, 2013, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531 "2013-10-17T23:03:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/61 "2013-10-18T18:05:36Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I’m all for people doing whatever floats their boat, but the problem with the scenario you describe is it so often results in a power differential. I know a woman who had a FWB relationship with a guy for years. She was 100% completely up front about it the entire time, sometimes _brutally_ honest (‘‘the second I meet someone new, it’s over’’), but he was madly in love with her and followed her around like a lovesick puppy dog. She continued to take advantage of him knowing his feelings for her and he was quite miserable when she finally came to her senses and broke it off for good. Within a year of that, she met the love of her life and got married. So I actually think the situation was detrimental to both of them, in that it broke his heart and prevented her from actually finding someone she _did_ want to commit to. A complete waste of time for both of them. I wrote out the propositions the OP was offered shorthand in order to demonstrate why the OP might feel used by the proposals. I would never willingly warm someone’s bed until someone better comes along and I’d be mildly offended, too, especially if I’d made it clear I was looking for a long term thing. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/62 "2013-10-18T18:16:27Z")
I wasn’t really trying to single you out, **CLee**. I was just pointing out that even in the case of 100% honesty, things can still go sketchy. My friend was not intentionally trying to hurt this man, nor do I think she recognized that she was taking advantage of him. But to anyone observing it was pretty obvious, and sad. And even though I think he was a loser for a number of reasons, I was still kinda mad at her for letting it happen that way. As for the OP, the thing that struck me the most was the utter bullshit of ‘‘until I find someone who lives closer.’’ 45 minutes is nothing if you’re with someone you are really into. It’s inconvenient, but a deal breaker? ---
**Author:** ![ducati](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cc9497/32.png) [@ducati](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ducati)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/63 "2013-10-18T18:34:02Z")
> [@woodstockbirdybird](#): > > I’m surprised anybody over the age of 25 would even put forward the idea of friends with benefits. My wife has been best friends with “Jan” since kindergarten. That’s over 45 years. Consequently Mrs. has known “Jan’s” mom “Helen” for that entire time. Helen’s husband died over 30 years ago, while the girls were in high school. He died in the saddle, as it so happens. Turns out Helen has always had needs.:dubious: Some few years later, Helen met “Walter”, at say, age 55. They began to meet twice a week for coffee and some afternoon delight. Twice a week! For 30 years! Helen always referred to it as her “Walter time.” Nobody ever met Walter. It wasn’t even really FWB. Just Sanka, a quick poke in the whiskers, and off he goes! Walter died last year, and I’m terribly afraid this octogenarian serial sex fiend may strike again. The visuals are too frightening to consider!:eek: I hope I’m going strong at 85, but I wouldn’t involve anyone but my wife. She’s used to me, but I wouldn’t inflict a 70 or 80 year old me on a stranger! ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/64 "2013-10-18T18:45:22Z")
> [@SerafinaPekala](#): > > Please dont take this as criticism and of course I dont know your situation, but that (bolded) just seems a bit too available. Perhaps they took this as being needy. Why shouldn’t she do 50% of the traveling? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/65 "2013-10-18T18:51:11Z")
> [@SerafinaPekala](#): > > @ Ambivalid, Yes of course its thoughtful and courteous, but could be construed as being “overly available” in a dating situation. In the same way as “the man picks up the woman”, not the other way 'round, traditionally. And Im assuming most of these guys are from the “Traditional” Era. Its more like a Booty Call the other way. Seriously? The “Don’t Iron While the Strike is Hot” march was in 1970; I’m 54 and I was in 5th grade. Basic feminist ideas of equality and fairness have been prominent through all my life except early childhood. The OP is in her 50s not her 90s. Anyone of any sex who thinks potential dates who expect gender equality are uncourteous or sleazy or overly available or otherwise not doing it right is a bad idea themselves. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/66 "2013-10-18T19:03:03Z")
> [@CLee](#): > > But probably not cool with the OP, who is looking for a relationship. Right? Your paraphrase of the guy’s position implied some negative attitudes. > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by CLee View Post > > “Hey, I don’t see you as someone I could be with long term, but I’ll bang you while I continue to look for the love of my life. That cool with you?” I agree it’s not what the OP was looking for, and that’s fine. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/67 "2013-10-18T19:14:52Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > I’d be interested in seeing how many men our age prefer this (I don’t know, I’m just wondering). The OP is in her mid 50s, presumably the men she’s dating are somewhere around that age too. They, like many of us of “a certain age” do have more traditional ways of dating, so I don’t think she’s really doing anything all that wrong. > > 50s doper men, what do you think? 52 year old male. If a woman is interested in me, she should contact me, just as if I am interested in a woman, I will contact her. I’m not into gender games. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/68 "2013-10-18T19:49:41Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > A few months ago, the problem was a couple of super-needy, newly-single men who wanted to latch on to me like leeches. Sent them down the road. This time, I’ve met two men, both who say they really, really want long-term relationships but who have suggested that we be, essentially, friends with benefits. That is, they like me a lot and want to see me but want to keep their options open, in both cases, in hopes of meeting someone who lives closer to them (I’m about a 45-minute drive away and am willing to share in the traveling). As I see it, they basically want to have sex with me while they’re still shopping. I’m older than you and I commute 45 minutes to work every day, and there is no sex when I get there. 😛 When I was in college I drove 600 miles to see my girlfriend now wife. Geez, you youngsters have no stamina these days. My understanding of FWB is that it is sex with no romance and no even hope of romance. I bet these guys think they missed out on something, but I totally get your lack of interest. ---
**Author:** ![aNewLeaf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ac91a4/32.png) [@aNewLeaf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aNewLeaf)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/69 "2013-10-18T19:53:30Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > My understanding of FWB is that it is sex with no romance and no even hope of romance. Depends on who wants what. Sometimes a friendship develops, sometimes it become longterm commitment. Dating online is just like dating in real life. There are people who hook up in bars and don’t even get each other’s names. With an email situation, you at least have some idea of the person’s general intelligence and sanity before you ever meet. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/70 "2013-10-18T20:01:20Z")
> [@ducati](#): > > Just Sanka, a quick poke in the whiskers, and off he goes! This phrase will no doubt haunt my quiet moments, reverberating through the years. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/71 "2013-10-18T20:17:53Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > This phrase will no doubt haunt my quiet moments, reverberating through the years. I’m writing it down and putting into the book that I’ll never write. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/72 "2013-10-18T20:24:45Z")
What eactly DO you want, OP? Do you want to be in love before you have sex? Is there some time period where you administer some kinds of tests? How would someone pass, or fail? How long a time period? I’ve got lots of women friends WITHOUT benefits. While that’s great, I’m not looking for more of them. And I’ve encounter lots more women who seem to want to be just that and no more. OTOH, maybe they want to be just that and no more with ME, and would leap at some other “righter” guy. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/73 "2013-10-18T20:26:07Z")
This really isn’t surprising. A lot of the single people in their 50s have already had one or more long-term relationships and decided they don’t want another one. Nothing wrong with that. Just spell out your expectations as well as you can, and try not to get pissed off when people don’t pay attention to them. Online dating is a cesspool no matter whether you’re 20 or 60. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/74 "2013-10-18T21:45:20Z")
I can get on board with the OP’s desire to not be in a FWB relationship. Where I can’t agree with the OP is with the automatic pathologizing of people who would consider a FWB relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/75 "2013-10-18T21:50:58Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > Where I can’t agree with the OP is with the automatic pathologizing of people who would consider a FWB relationship. I don’t think that’s what the OP was doing. For further evidence, see Post #58. ---
**Author:** ![Fubaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@Fubaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fubaya)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/76 "2013-10-18T22:00:55Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > Sorry to say but it’s just you. Not to say that you’re a creep, but for some reason you might be coming off like one. No it’s not just me, I see a lot of people complain about it. But it may be the website, it may be better on other sites. ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/77 "2013-10-18T22:34:28Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > I can get on board with the OP’s desire to not be in a FWB relationship. > > Where I can’t agree with the OP is with the automatic pathologizing of people who would consider a FWB relationship. She didn’t. She said both guys stated they wanted a long term relationship initially, but later reneged and tried to negotiate a FWB instead. She’s insulted because they as much as told her that all they wanted from her was sex until they found someone more suitable. She is interested in something lasting rather than serving as someone’s plaything until something better comes along. I’m sure if she had advertised for a FWB she wouldn’t be insulted by such a proposal. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/78 "2013-10-18T22:39:05Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I wasn’t really trying to single you out, **CLee**. I was just pointing out that even in the case of 100% honesty, things can still go sketchy. My friend was not intentionally trying to hurt this man, nor do I think she recognized that she was taking advantage of him. But to anyone observing it was pretty obvious, and sad. And even though I think he was a loser for a number of reasons, I was still kinda mad at her for letting it happen that way. I don’t think that is particular to FWB relationships, though. Any type of human relationship brings this type of risk. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/79 "2013-10-18T22:44:17Z")
> [@aNewLeaf](#): > > Depends on who wants what. Sometimes a friendship develops, sometimes it become longterm commitment. > Dating online is just like dating in real life. There are people who hook up in bars and don’t even get each other’s names. > With an email situation, you at least have some idea of the person’s general intelligence and sanity before you ever meet. I have no problem at all with on-line dating. You can learn a lot about a person and get very close to them at a distance. I never lived closer than 600 miles from my now-wife before we got married, so I’m kind of an expert on this - and that was long before the Internet. We used the phone and real letters. My problem with FWB is that you hit one stage of a relationship without going through the intermediate steps - or even wanting to. If both people want to do this, fine, if they really do, but I totally get one person not wanting it at all. ---
**Author:** ![LinusK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@LinusK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LinusK)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531/80 "2013-10-18T22:50:25Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > Where on earth did you get this hare-brained idea? I’ve messaged a lot of men that “appear” – an important word! – to want what I want. Your assertion is impertient and baseless. > > What I’m finding is that, while I am very honest about my life situation in my profile, many, many men are not. They don’t tell you that they are separated but still married, or only a few weeks out of a long-term relationship, or unemployed, or really just looking for to score as much as possible. It’s imagine it’s only men who’re dishonest in profiles. I doubt there’s any woman who - for example - put the year old pictures in their profiles. Or subtract 30 pounds from their actual weight. I imagine such things are unheard of. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits-wtf/671531.md?page=5)