# Friends with benefits **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 15, 2004, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886 "2004-08-15T00:49:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![nonnative](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/2acd7d/32.png) [@nonnative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nonnative)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2004, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/1 "2004-08-15T00:49:12Z")
Near the end of the semester a few of my friends and i were discussing no strings attached sex. Well one thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with one of my friends a couple times. Actually she was more of an acquaintance. But after a week or so, after finals and whatnot, everybody went to their respective summer destinations. We kept in contact for most of the summer and it hasn’t escalated beyond simple friendship (i think), but from general looks of things we’re probably to have more sex when we both get back to town. The problem is, I get this strange feeling that she might want something more than our current arrangement. On my part, I do not want to pursue full fledged relationship with this woman. Of course I wouldn’t mind continuing to sleep with her, but if I have to commit in order to do so, I’m willing to let that go. I’m just afraid the whole thing will blow up in my face and our mutual friends will have to end up choosing sides and things will just get really ugly. Ever been in a similar situation? Had friends with benefits that worked out fine for both parties? Or one that ended screwing everything up? Share your stories and offer some advice if you have any. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2004, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/2 "2004-08-15T01:28:59Z")
I’ve had a couple. -Guy who relieved me of my virginity. Remains a good friend. -An ex of mine. We slept together for about two years; sometimes as boyfriends, though several times we broke up and continued having sex, though we got together again later. Finally, we broke up and stopped screwing definitively. Remains a good friend. -Several long distance friends. No real issues to report. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2004, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/3 "2004-08-15T01:56:35Z")
I’ve had one. My high-school girlfriend, and the first girl I ever slept with. We broke up after I graduated, but over the years, as we moved between relationships and between cities, we always seemed to every so often be both unattached and proximate. It was kinda nice having someone who knew you so well around. No strings, no expectations. Just good company…with benefits. No real issues here either. ---
**Author:** ![LibrarySpy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f9ae1b/32.png) [@LibrarySpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LibrarySpy)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2004, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/4 "2004-08-15T05:30:46Z")
I had a friend with benefits. She’s still one of my best friends, without the benefits. No issues. ---
**Author:** ![nonnative](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/2acd7d/32.png) [@nonnative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nonnative)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2004, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/5 "2004-08-15T05:44:38Z")
Well it’s nice to hear that everyone here didn’t have any problems arise. For some reason I thought having that sort of relationship would inevitable end with some kind of unpleasant complication. I guess I was wrong. Unless someone wants to add something, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2004, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/6 "2004-08-15T06:03:42Z")
I had a situation like that end badly because one of us became too attached. For once, I wasn’t the one. If both friends expect the same things from it, there shouldn’t be too many problems. ---
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2004, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/7 "2004-08-15T06:20:56Z")
Did it once, don’t plan on it again. I cared for him more than me (alright I fell in love with him, actually long before we had sex and he knew this and capitalized on it when he was between girls) It… just didn’t work out. At all. Unless you are damn certain of the person I would suggest against it. If you get the feeling she’s looking for something more I suggest laying things to rest before it gets ugly. Because if you continue she’s going to start thinking ‘Oh well he sleeps with me, he must feel _something_ I just have to get him’ and she’ll get hurt and it will ruin your friendship. This wasn’t the only thing that ruined my friendship with said friend with benefits, but it certainly had a part in it. My two cents. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2004, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/8 "2004-08-15T13:00:22Z")
It only works if both people are very, _very_ clear that that’s what it is, and both people _genuinely_ want it to be that way. If one person cares more than the other, it leads to hurt feelings, if not ugliness. Last spring I went through a thing with a guy, where I realized I wanted to make it exclusive and he didn’t. I broke it off with him, and though we’d say “hi” on IM, I didn’t see him for about three months. I finally got to the point where I thought we could resume the friendship, which I missed (in addition to being amazing in bed, he was also wonderful company out of bed), and we’ve seen each other a couple of times over the last month or so. He’s indicated his willingness to resume the “with benefits” side of things – I’ve indicated that that’s not a good idea – and we’re going to do platonic for now. BTW – I’m 49, he’s 56 – this would have been a hell of a lot uglier/more complicated if we’d been 30 years younger. ---
**Author:** ![Abbie\_Carmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@Abbie\_Carmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abbie_Carmichael)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2004, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/9 "2004-08-15T13:03:52Z")
Friend of mine in college had an arrangement like that with a guy. They ended up with a beautiful little girl. And married. And dropping out of college, IIRC. ---
**Author:** ![manx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@manx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manx)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2004, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/10 "2004-08-15T14:08:52Z")
I have a very, very informal sort of arrangement with a girl I’ve been friends with for a while, and have friends in other cities that I’ll hook up with if we meet up. The way I know it’s emotionally safe is that I have no interest in a relationship with any of them. Not even a little ‘well, maybe’ twitch. So I’m just backing up what other posters have said- if things get uneven, it’s a good idea to stop them. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/11 "2004-08-16T02:08:58Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > It only works if both people are very, _very_ clear that that’s what it is, and both people _genuinely_ want it to be that way. If one person cares more than the other, it leads to hurt feelings, if not ugliness. This is so important to state up front. I got into a relationship years ago with a coworker. I remember clearly saying to him, “There will be no falling in love, there will be no saying I love you, there will be no commitment.” It worked out really well. We didn’t actually sleep together, but did an awful lot of fooling around. Eventually we drifted apart and he move to a branch of our company across the US. Five years later he came back into town, and we ran into each other at work. He had a girlfriend and we would get together for lunch or whatnot. After he broke up with her we started sleeping together once in a while. It always stopped when he was in a relationship. Finally he told me that part of our relationship had to end as he felt it was ruining his chances for true love. I was totally understanding. It worked for us. It definitely doesn’t work for everyone. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/12 "2004-08-16T02:25:03Z")
Didn’t work in my experience. Got very very ugly. It’s too easy for one person to get more involved and hope for more. We were young, though. Maybe it’s easier when you’re a bit older and know yourself better. ---
**Author:** ![aaslatten](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f14d63/32.png) [@aaslatten](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aaslatten)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/13 "2004-08-16T02:50:20Z")
I had one that didn’t ugly and nobody fell in love, but we still somehow stopped being friends. We just weren’t as comfortable around each other anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/14 "2004-08-16T03:07:45Z")
I’m still friends with the people I’ve tried it with, but that dosen’t mean there weren’t any ugly aspects. I was sooo mad at myself for being such a female stereotype, but hey, it’s true - I couldn’t not get attached. We’re all extremely close friends now, and that’s great, but there’ve been a few tears and recriminations associated. YMMV, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/15 "2004-08-16T03:24:05Z")
I did the “friends with benefits” thing for the first time last year and it was hard at times, but everyone was honest and in the end, we were able to be really good friends. I have hung out with him and his now-girlfriend with no problems. The absolute key to this outcome was total honesty and openness. He never lied to me and I admired his sincerity enough to bother doing the work to stay friends. It was overall a great experience. Unfortunately, such candor is rare, so be careful. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/16 "2004-08-16T03:54:58Z")
Welcome to my world dude. I’ve delt with this more times than I can count. I think what happens is, women like this will tell you “Oh, yeah sure baby. I’m not looking for anything serious.” meanwhile, the whole time they’re thinking “Yeah, first I’ll get’em hooked on the sex; then once he’s hooked I’ll tell him I want more…muwha-haha ha-ha-ha!!!” I used to feel guilty about kicking them to the curb once they told me they wanted more. But screw it, not anymore, these women are full grown adults. They should know better than to try and manipulate a guy into a realationship… ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/17 "2004-08-16T13:21:40Z")
Ya know, **SHAKES** , I’ve never been clear whether you really are a total horse’s ass, or whether this is some persona you’ve developed as a form of message board performance art. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/18 "2004-08-16T13:52:10Z")
> [@nonnative](#): > > Well it’s nice to hear that everyone here didn’t have any problems arise. Looks like you’re about 5-5 now, with a couple undecided, so this was probably a bit premature. My experiences? Moderately successful. When it worked, it was with someone I had been with for a while and we decided the romantic/emotional side of the relationship wasn’t working any more, but the physical side was still going gangbusters. Once either of us found somebody else, that pretty much ended it. ---
**Author:** ![phall0106](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phall0106/32/5934_2.png) [@phall0106](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phall0106)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/19 "2004-08-16T13:55:44Z")
I tried it a couple of times. Once, I couldn’t handle it (fell for him) and the second time–different person–he couldn’t handle it (fell for me). I wouldn’t do it again. Sex without feelings attached is just…empty. (For me anyway.) ---
**Author:** ![badmana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@badmana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badmana)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/20 "2004-08-16T15:30:10Z")
This is how I started out with my (now) girlfriend. After highschool we started to fool around. I told her I wasn’t looking for a GF and, at first, she agreed (mostly I guess out of lust). After a while though she started getting hurt by my ability to treat sex and love seperately. I broke her heart at one point and she _almost_ hooked up with someone else before I realised I’d rather be with her than anyone else. Haven’t looked back since. I guess "friend’s with benefits can and does work. Just be careful with either your emotions or hers. My GF (I realize now) did not have the ability to have sex without the love part, unlike most men 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886.md?page=2)