# Friends with benefits **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 15, 2004, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886 "2004-08-15T00:49:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/21 "2004-08-16T15:36:15Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > Ya know, **SHAKES** , I’ve never been clear whether you really are a total horse’s ass, or whether this is some persona you’ve developed as a form of message board performance art. I could not have said it better. I don’t have anything against you, **SHAKES** , but every time you post in “romance”-related thread, I brace myself. ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/22 "2004-08-16T16:34:22Z")
Nearly all of my adventures in “friends with benefits” (hereafter known as **fwb** s) have been very very successful. Of course, I’m the kind of girl who will look back years later and think “Ooops, he was actually in love with me.” So I don’t know if all of my **fwb** s would feel the same way. But probably. One thing you have to watch out for though, is people who fully intend to be **fwb** s, but then unintentionally get attached. And as for **SHAKES** ’s scenario, I really don’t think most women would agree to that sort of situation if they didn’t at least _think_ they were OK with it to begin with. One more thing: **fwb** s, IMHO, have to be honest with each other. As in, if you are fucking someone else, you should tell them. I recently ended a **fwb** relationship because I found out the guy was screwing someone else regularly and didn’t bother to tell me. In other words, he wasn’t being a friend, he was jsut enjoying the benefits. ---
**Author:** ![zephyrine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/35a633/32.png) [@zephyrine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zephyrine)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/23 "2004-08-16T17:22:34Z")
> [@phall0106](#): > > Sex without feelings attached is just…empty. But that is the whole point of having sex with **friends** : there are feelings, just not romantic ones. Lust and affection are good enough for me. So another vote for been there, done that, it all worked out fine. It IS important that both people are clear about what is going on, though, and that there’s plenty of mutual respect. **Ghanima** : if it’s not a romantic, exclusive relationship, it doesn’t bother me who else he’s fucking, and I don’t expect it to bother him who else I’m fucking. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/24 "2004-08-16T17:31:16Z")
I’m getting old. I thought this thread was going to be about insurance. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/25 "2004-08-16T17:33:58Z")
> [@zephyrine](#): > > **Ghanima** : if it’s not a romantic, exclusive relationship, it doesn’t bother me who else he’s fucking, and I don’t expect it to bother him who else I’m fucking. Yes but if someone I’m having sex with is having sex with someone else, I have a right to know that, for my own safety. And if that person isn’t comfortable enough to tell me that he’s spending time with someone else, then I couldn’t possibly be comfortable enough having sex with him. ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/26 "2004-08-16T19:30:46Z")
> [@SHAKES](#): > > I think what happens is, women like this will tell you “Oh, yeah sure baby. I’m not looking for anything serious.” meanwhile, the whole time they’re thinking “Yeah, first I’ll get’em hooked on the sex; then once he’s hooked I’ll tell him I want more…muwha-haha ha-ha-ha!!!” Funny, that’s how it happened to me, and I’m a woman. He fell in love, I fell asleep. 😃 He’d always want to stay the night, but I had to make him go home. I felt kinda sorry for him so I stopped it. ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/27 "2004-08-16T20:05:14Z")
> [@TellMeI'mNotCrazy](#): > > Yes but if someone I’m having sex with is having sex with someone else, I have a right to know that, for my own safety. And if that person isn’t comfortable enough to tell me that he’s spending time with someone else, then I couldn’t possibly be comfortable enough having sex with him. Exactly! For me, this is where the “friends” part of “friends with benefits” comes in. If I wanted to just hook up with someone who I didn’t know anything else about what was going on with them, I wouldn’t call it a “friend with benefits” I’d call it an"occasional fuck with a relative stranger." I’m not saying I need details, for example one of my former **fwb** s had another girl he was seeing, and all I ever heard was something vague like “I’m going to see whatshername this weekend.” I appreciated that he was being honest with me about what he was doing, when he wasn’t doing me. It’s not about possessiveness, its about respect. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/28 "2004-08-17T00:59:14Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > Ya know, **SHAKES** , I’ve never been clear whether you really are a total horse’s ass, or whether this is some persona you’ve developed as a form of message board performance art. Well what do you expect me to do? Lie to these women and tell them “Yeah, baby I want more too.” Knowing full well I don’t feel the same way about them as they do about me? Please give me a break. I’ve alway been upfront with EVERY woman I’ve been with. Well at least every woman I’ve been with since about 22 or 23 anyway. I’m 34 now. ---
**Author:** ![aaslatten](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f14d63/32.png) [@aaslatten](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aaslatten)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/29 "2004-08-17T01:40:08Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > Ya know, **SHAKES** , I’ve never been clear whether you really are a total horse’s ass, or whether this is some persona you’ve developed as a form of message board performance art. I’ve not followed his postings, but his statement didn’t sound like it came from a horse’s ass to me. He said he was upfront with these women and has been rewarded with manipulation and emotional chaos. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/30 "2004-08-17T01:44:17Z")
> [@SHAKES](#): > > Well what do you expect me to do? Lie to these women and tell them “Yeah, baby I want more too.” Knowing full well I don’t feel the same way about them as they do about me? > > Please give me a break. I’ve alway been upfront with EVERY woman I’ve been with. Well at least every woman I’ve been with since about 22 or 23 anyway. I’m 34 now. I can completely respect the fact that you’re up front with them. However, referring to that honesty as “kicking them to the curb,” to me, implies a lack of respect that doesn’t jibe with my definition of “friends with benefits.” You don’t kick a friend to the curb. You kick a fuckbuddy to the curb. ---
**Author:** ![buns3000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c89c15/32.png) [@buns3000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buns3000)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/31 "2004-08-17T02:01:26Z")
I had a **fwb** who was also my roommate. She was also best friends with an ex-girlfriend of mine with whom I was still friends. I guess this has a couple more variations on the usual theme so it probably wasn’t that hard to see it was gonna end in disaster, which it did. I wanted more from my roomie, but she didn’t. She was up-front with me. When it became clear I wasn’t going to be satisfied with just sleeping together, she called it off. I trashed my friendship with my ex, which was the worst part. I find it hard to accept that in any fwb situation there isn’t at least one person wanting more, even if they’re not admitting it and just pretending otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/32 "2004-08-17T02:04:35Z")
> [@TellMeI'mNotCrazy](#): > > I can completely respect the fact that you’re up front with them. However, referring to that honesty as “kicking them to the curb,” to me, implies a lack of respect that doesn’t jibe with my definition of “friends with benefits.” You don’t kick a friend to the curb. You kick a fuckbuddy to the curb. Ok I see now. It’s my vernacular that sends a chill down your spine. FWIW I don’t just tell them “What you want more? Get your ass to the curb bitch!” I’m very gentle I promise. I was just trying to convey that I used to feel guilty for even doing that. But just not so much so now a days. ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/33 "2004-08-17T02:11:16Z")
Data point: 2 in college. One where the girl was more into me, wasn’t honest about it, and got hurt. One other where we dated for a while, broke up, I wanted to get back together, wasn’t honest about it, and got _very_ hurt. 1 after college - turned into my now wife. Bottom line, be extremely honest about your intentions, be sure you’re getting honesty as a response, and make _damn_ sure you’re being honest to yourself. The power of self-delusion in these sorts of relationships is narcotic. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/34 "2004-08-17T02:39:56Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > Ya know, **SHAKES** , I’ve never been clear whether you really are a total horse’s ass, or whether this is some persona you’ve developed as a form of message board performance art. I don’t know if I agree with you but I have to say…you made me LOL! ---
**Author:** ![clayton\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c57346/32.png) [@clayton\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clayton_e)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/35 "2004-08-17T15:35:30Z")
Friends with benefits doesn’t work well… or at least hasn’t for me. Only time it happened she got overly obsessed with me and when I told her I didn’t want to go any further and wanted to stop what we were doing she got very attached to one of my good friends. Its still a bit of an akward situation. ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/36 "2004-08-17T15:58:13Z")
> [@SHAKES](#): > > Ok I see now. It’s my vernacular that sends a chill down your spine. FWIW I don’t just tell them “What you want more? Get your ass to the curb bitch!” I’m very gentle I promise. I was just trying to convey that I used to feel guilty for even doing that. But just not so much so now a days. What, you switched to masturbation? On behalf of females everywhere, thank you. **nonnative** , before anything (else) physical happens, talk to your friend. Make it very clear you want to keep her friendship, but you’re not interested in taking it any further, and sex would JUST be sex. **FWB** can work, but it takes a maturity level on both sides. ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/37 "2004-08-17T20:58:26Z")
> [@SHAKES](#): > > Welcome to my world dude. I’ve delt with this more times than I can count. > I think what happens is, women like this will tell you “Oh, yeah sure baby. I’m not looking for anything serious.” meanwhile, the whole time they’re thinking “Yeah, first I’ll get’em hooked on the sex; then once he’s hooked I’ll tell him I want more…muwha-haha ha-ha-ha!!!” > > I used to feel guilty about kicking them to the curb once they told me they wanted more. But screw it, not anymore, these women are full grown adults. They should know better than to try and manipulate a guy into a realationship… Actually, in the times that I have seen the “jsut sex, no relationship” thing happen with friends, or hearing about it from friends, if someone in the “sex only relationship” gets attached and wants something more, it’s more often than not the guy (in a guy-girl relationship, that is.) It seems to me that, as a whole, guys are more willing to want jsut sex, but usually it’s the women who want a relationship (or, at least society seems to tell us that.) So if a woman has her mind set on JUST SEX, then her mind is SET. She wants nothing but sex, or some fooling around. The guy, on the other hand, says he may just want sex, but many of them, when put into that scenario, start to get real feelings for the woman, maybe because they were already friends and this took it a step further, or he’s just not used to being in that kind of situation. Mind you, I’m not saying this always happens, but it’s jsut what I have seen. (note: this I am not talking from personal experience right now, only from a few cases I have seen and heard about) Now, as far as MY personal experiences go, I have had this type of situation anywhere between 1 and 3 times, depending on how you count. The first time was a formal I went to with a friend of a friend. We met the night before at a party, and during that time we started making out, and she basically told me we WOULD have had sex, but I was a virgin at the time and she felt I should lose it to a girl I had feelings for. However, on the bus ride to a binfire after the formal the next night, there was much making out, and some third base action going on. Over the next year, she visited a few more times, and some more fooling around happened, but no sex, cause of the same reason. So, HAD I not been a virgin, it would have been a sex only relationship. The second time is the iffiest of the three, because it was an ex-girlfriend. We broke up because mainly because she cheated on me, though honestly even if she hadn’t I would have ended it inside a month, because I was losing what feelnigs I had for her. So, in a period of about three months afterward we had sex a few times. As said, for me I just wanted the sex, but I think she may still have had feelnigs for me, but if she did, she never let it show. Eventually, I stopped the sex because I thought she still had feelings, and I felt I was being unfair to her. The last time was a “we both just wanted to have sex with each other” scenario. She used to date a friend of mine, but they broke up. I always thought she was hot, and her the same about me. However, we both knew that we could never work as a couple, just very differing personalities. So, we had sex a few times and that’s that. And I’m sure, given the chance, we’ll have sex again, assuming neither one of us is involved with someone else. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/38 "2004-08-17T21:41:57Z")
I had thought I could pull this off, but I was wrong. I had a fling with a woman I was friendly with while on vacation, but she clearly stated she did not want a relationship out of it. I figured, “Hey, I’m getting laid anyway, no problem!” but then after I slept with her a couple of times and started enjoying staring into her eyes in bed, or staring out at the ocean together in silence for an hour and other romantic stuff, I realized I was kind of attached to her and felt bad about it (since I knew it would go nowhere). I suppose the problem with that situation was that she was in love with some other guy and was just using me to have a little fun on her vacation, meanwhile I had been single/sex deprived for 6 years and learned how pleasant sex can be on an emotional level…in short the whole thing made me want something I couldnt have… ☹ ---
**Author:** ![bdandhr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9d8465/32.png) [@bdandhr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bdandhr)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2004, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/39 "2004-08-18T00:51:58Z")
I’m currently in a fwb relationship myself. It’s very difficult for me to keep myself at that level, because I had mistakenly thought we had changed our marital status for each other. That was until I showed my true psycho self, I guess. I am okay with introducing this person as “my friend,” but my feelings of wanting something more can be overwhelming at times. I entered this relationship with blinders on, and my eyes have been widened so very much. Just be careful to keep yourself healthy emotionally on all other levels. The sex in my current relationship is fucking incredible, but sex is only sex, and one can get that anywhere (although not anywhere near what I’ve been having). True relationships happen on a much deeper level than just sex, and that’s what I am looking for at this point in my life. ---
**Author:** ![nonnative](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/2acd7d/32.png) [@nonnative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nonnative)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886/40 "2004-08-19T00:51:49Z")
I guess results are all over the charts, though there seems to be a pattern, where the women sometimes can’t prevent their emotions deepening. I thought this would be the case , since men usually are not as selective in terms of sex partners. Something I’ve failed to mention before is the fact one of the reasons i do not want to date my FWB is that I want to try pursue a relationship with one of her friends, which would complicate the matter further. I can’t really think of a way to resolve this without something going wrong. Any advice would be appreciated. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/259886.md?page=3)