# "Friends with benefits" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 2, 2011, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133 "2011-08-02T02:28:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/21 "2011-08-02T04:47:29Z")
Interesting that so far, most people who have had FWBs thought it great plus no disasters voted, while half of those who have not had them think it would end in disaster. ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/22 "2011-08-02T06:14:27Z")
You have to actually try it before you can make a judgement. If you get along with the person and have a lot of common interests, it would be harder to separate emotions from the physical. However, if the two of you have very little in common besides having the hots for the other, then it becomes very easy to meet up, have sex and part ways. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/23 "2011-08-02T10:19:49Z")
Had one during a dry spell who lived in a town I’d go to for work. I’d stay over at his place, have some fun, eat breakfast the next day and otherwise not worry about it. I knew some of the other girls he had this arrangement with, and we’d tease him mercilessly about it. It was a fun casual thing that gave me something to look forward to. Yes, feelings do develop, but it is the same as it is with any other inapproprate crush- you feel mildly tortured for a bit, and then come to your senses and move on. If it stops being fun for you, you have to stop it. Feelings don’t have to mean a lot of drama. You just deal with them and make decisions about what is worth it to you, no drama need apply. Eventually I started dating someone in town, and he started getting serious with one of the other girls he was banging. They’ve been on and off, but I’m rooting for them. We have stayed pretty good friends, and anything sexual is far behind us. It was something that worked in a time and place long passed. I wouldn’t say it was “fantastic,” but it is fun enough. Better than watching reruns all day. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 10:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/24 "2011-08-02T10:27:58Z")
As for “What do you tell the kids?” what is wrong with “Your Mom and I were dating casually, and then we realized we really just wanted to be with each other. We stayed together and then we decided to have you!” Most relationships progress sexually before they progress emotionally, and many are non-exclusive in the first stages. Why would your kid need to know the exact pace? ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/25 "2011-08-02T10:41:02Z")
> [@YaraMateo](#): > > That’s kinda my point. If you have to hide (or leave out parts) how you met, maybe the way you meet wasn’t that great. It used to be horrifying in the US to have been pregnant before the wedding ceremony. Now wedding ceremonies may not be involved at all. I see nothing wrong with “we dated casually, dated other people too, and eventually figured out that we really were meant to be together.” ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/26 "2011-08-02T10:50:08Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > You have to actually try it before you can make a judgement. I don’t think I do. Heck, I get emotionally attached to people I hug. I cannot fathom being able to have sex with someone without having feelings for them. Even phone stuff was enough to make me feel overly attached to someone who was the wrong person (i.e., what you guys call “crazy”) I just cannot comprehend treating it casually enough for FWB, nor do I want to. On preview: **Ferret Herder** : that depends very much on your community. It’s still a big deal around here. Heck, I know parents who still lie to their kids about their age to avoid the stigma. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/27 "2011-08-02T11:07:39Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > On preview: **Ferret Herder** : that depends very much on your community. It’s still a big deal around here. Heck, I know parents who still lie to their kids about their age to avoid the stigma. “May not” was the important phrase; I realize not everyone is fine with that. ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/28 "2011-08-02T12:25:34Z")
I can think of two cases of friends with benefits that worked out well. One of them was with a very quiet guy, so we really didn’t develop a friendship and the fooling around was pretty emotion-free. The other one was with a friend who had broken up with his girlfriend a few months ago, and she was an intense ex who was desperate to get back with him. I was in the exact same situation, so while he and I were attracted to each other, we understood that our arrangement was not a blossoming romance but a way to get ass without introducing more drama in our lives. The other times I’ve had friends with benefits, I did run into issues of one person developing more feelings than the other person. And in both situations where I had a good thing going, we had to keep it an absolute secret because we could have gotten in trouble otherwise. So it’s usually not a good idea, but occasionally it works out. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/29 "2011-08-02T14:03:54Z")
I had a few back in the day, all before the FWB or ‘fuck buddies’ terms had surfaced. One was a girl who was a student (early 20’s) at a place I worked (mid 20’s). I was not in a faculty or supervisory position to her. We flirted a lot and eventually hooked up, and it was casual enough that either of us could make the booty call and there were no hard feelings. Another was a girl I met at a bar one night. What started off as a one-night stand became an “every couple of weeks hookup” sort of thing. Neither of us like the other enough to make a romantic relationship work, in fact neither of us felt any romantic attraction to the other. We didn’t spend a lot of time together out of bed, maybe a dinner or meeting in a bar for drinks and dancing before heading to one of our apartments. She was openminded and together we explored some kinks that up to that point, neither of us had the opportunity to explore. Eventually we just drifted apart. Another started off as an exclusive romantic relationship but after about a year things didn’t work out, but she didn’t want to completely cut the cord. She suggested we continue our relationship on a physical-only basis. I didn’t think it would work for her, but it seemed to. I met someone then she did, and we went to each others’ weddings with our new SO’s. Overall I’d say they were three successes. ---
**Author:** ![Student\_Driver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3da27b/32.png) [@Student\_Driver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Student_Driver)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/30 "2011-08-02T14:11:48Z")
My first sexual relationship was an attempt at FWB. I hadn’t wanted to actually get into a dating thing yet, we had fun hanging out or meeting for lunch, and we acknowledged a mutual physical thing. Within a day of starting our playing around, she began confessing her love for me, and I began trying to shut things down. She got really stalkerish, and life was hell for several months. I learned after that that FWB doesn’t work for me at all-- love and sex are inextricably entwined in my brain. So, my most recent ex pursued me for six months to be FWBs, and I kept her at arm’s length… which seemed to trigger something akin to love for her. We ended up getting into a relationship without passing through the FWB stage, that ended up one of the most psychotic, dysfunctional relationships I could imagine. Sometimes I think maybe FWB would have worked instead, but then again, “don’t stick your dick in the crazy,” so I was probably screwed no matter what. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/31 "2011-08-02T14:20:32Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > Never tried it, never had the interest. I’d much, much rather have a snugglebuddy. I feel the same way. I’m very fond of cuddling, and never thought of it as just a precursor to intimacy. A friend and I get together several times a week for dinner, after which we sit on the couch and watch TV. Sometimes we just hold hands but occasionally we end up snuggled together (with or without one of my cats joining us). Neither of us is interested in having sex, but we enjoy each others company. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/32 "2011-08-02T14:22:09Z")
Hasn’t worked out well for me with my soon-to-be-ex-wife. She’s too busy trying to detach from me as she had emotionally checked out of the relationship a couple years ago, and the pain of the separation is still relatively fresh (6 months) for me…and we have two young boys together…the couple times we had sex after our separation the sex itself was pretty good, but there are too many emotions about…too many issues… ---
**Author:** ![Jackknifed\_Juggernaut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de053/32.png) [@Jackknifed\_Juggernaut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackknifed_Juggernaut)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/33 "2011-08-02T14:36:07Z")
I agree that it works in theory (and temporarily) but someone’s inevitably gonna catch feelings. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/34 "2011-08-02T14:42:11Z")
I’ve been friends with my first FWB for 10 years. Oh, and no we haven’t been screwing for all those 10 years. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/35 "2011-08-02T14:53:56Z")
I had a FWB arrangement going with 2 ex-girlfriends and it was great. Then I met my now-wife and she made me give that up. 😉 Glad I did though. ---
**Author:** ![FrancisCastle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b4bc9f/32.png) [@FrancisCastle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FrancisCastle)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/36 "2011-08-02T15:17:55Z")
I had a FWB after my divorce. I really wouldn’t call him a friend, though. He was more of a booty call. We would sometimes hang out after, but we never really connected in a way that I would consider a friend. At that time, I was emotionally worn out so all I wanted was the sex. ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/37 "2011-08-02T16:52:35Z")
I have had several, and while I’m not physically involved with any of them, they remain friends to this day (and if I were single, I could probably hook up with at least one of them). The key for me is to have a friendship to build the FWB on. Without the F, there’s not much chance to get to know the person well enough to want to have WB with. At least for me. In theory, I could be a one night stand kind of guy, but the one or two times that has happend I have felt odd about it afterwards. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/38 "2011-08-02T16:52:40Z")
I have one, but he lives about 2.5 hours away. I think that’s the ideal for me. Any less, and it would get tricky because I think I’d get greedy or needy and ruin it. Any more and I wouldn’t be willing to travel for just that. ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/39 "2011-08-02T17:05:14Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > I have one, but he lives about 2.5 hours away. I think that’s the ideal for me. Any less, and it would get tricky because I think I’d get greedy or needy and ruin it. Any more and I wouldn’t be willing to travel for just that. You drove 2.5 hours just for no-strings attached sex? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133/40 "2011-08-02T17:30:51Z")
I picked other because I’ve had a FWB where it was awesome and where it was awful. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends-with-benefits/591133.md?page=3)