# Friends? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 9, 2009, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467 "2009-01-09T02:24:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/1 "2009-01-09T02:24:10Z")
I logged on to the SDMB, and I see I have a notification. Someone has invited me to be their “friend.” I am flattered and touched. Deeply. I’m just not sure that I’m the “friend” type. I’m not exactly Barney the Dinosaur, or a teletubbie. What sort of rights and responsibilities do I incur if I accept and become a “friend?” Do we have to hang out, or I am obligated to loan you money? Nowhere on the screen does it tell me what happens if I become somebody’s friend. I am uncomfortable with “friends,” generally. I am a rogue, a lone wolf, an enigma. I am force of nature. Would you attempt to befriend the wind? Would you invite a waterfall to hang out and watch “How I met your mother?” Bad things happen to my friends. Back in Vietnam, my best buddy died in my arms. When I became a cop, my best friend and partner got killed the day before retirement, and the bad guys framed me. I had to become a loose cannon cop on the run and out for vengeance. I once tried to befriend a little, boy, the son of a beautiful widow woman I met while riding through a desolate western town. My horse was lame and she was the local healer. While she was servicing me… err my horse I mean I learned that some evil ranchers were trying to steal her land so the railroad could get through, so I beat up a bunch of them. As it turns out the leader learned I was “friends” with the little kid and kidnapped him. He ended up getting shot. Of course, I rescued him and he lived and all that, but I was forced to leave in order to protect him and his mother as I was marked man, and if I stayed they’d come for us all and they’d never be safe. I still think about them from time to time. This other time I tried to befriend this homeless guy. It turns out that he had this incredible gift. He was a genius/rocket scientist/violinist/dentist/or something. Anyway as I helped him out and he returned to normalcy it somehow uncovered this massive tragic thing in his past that had driven him to homelessness in the first place. The pain was so much that it was clear that I wasn’t doing him any favors. He was better off homeless. I kept trying to help him deal with the pain, but it was too much. He went beserk at the moment of his crowning achievement when he as about to prove a theorum/launch a rocket/play a concerto/ fill a molar/ or something. He returned to homelessness cursing me for having made him remember his past. Some friend I am. This other time, I was good friends with this guy but I fell in love with his wife and we had a steamy affair. We plotted to kill each others’ spouse in a “Criss-cross” so we could be together. What we didn’t know is that our spouses were having an affair and planning on killing us so they could be together. What an embarassing situation that was. That one didn’t work out too well, either. Even as a kid my friendships didn’t go too well, either. I met this little girl one summer and we imagined this incredible kingdom across the brook on a little island. It turns out she was being molested and she went to the island when she was upset to find some solace but drowned because I wasn’t there. Another time when my father was at war, I had to look after the house, and this mangy old dog showed up and became my best friend. He got rabies, so I shot him. So, before I answer this friend request you should know you are probably going to die in my arms, drown, end up homeless, get rabies, I’ll try to kill your husband, get shot by rustlers, or else I’ll end up shooting you myself. I think I’m better off being a loner, a renegade, an army of one. I don’t think I’m up to the responsibilities of internet friendship, and I’m not sure you’d still want me if you knew the history of my “friends.” I also noticed that I somehow managed to acquire “contacts.” There’s a whole list of them on the page where my friendship has been solicited. What a rogue’s gallery of ignominious fiends that bunch is! How’d I get them? Where did they come from? Why is this place suddenly making emotional demands and seeking a codified relationship with me? I just come here for a little solace as I walk the earth, alone, having adventures. Even a true loner renegade like myself occasionally needs to interract. What could be more anonymous and safe then an internet message board? The last person I met with from here, or interracted with personally was **Airman Doors** and you all saw what happened to him! Never again, I swore. I have no internet friends. I work alone. ---
**Author:** ![Euphonious\_Polemic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/euphonious_polemic/32/3002_2.png) [@Euphonious\_Polemic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euphonious_Polemic)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/2 "2009-01-09T02:27:47Z")
You sound a bit “Forest-Gumpy” to be a friend of mine. I hereby rescind my invitation. ETA: I have no “friends” I have no “contacts”. I am but a loser. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/3 "2009-01-09T02:28:52Z")
I’d never be your friend: prick. What happened to **Airman Doors**? ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/4 "2009-01-09T02:29:16Z")
> [@Scylla](#): > > I have no internet friends. I work alone. With rambling shitstorms of pointless words like this, I can see why. Did you mean to post this in your journal or some website for people who think they can be authors or something? MPSIMS? ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/5 "2009-01-09T02:30:42Z")
Okay, I got _Old Yeller_ and _Bridge to Terabithia_, but I’m blanking on the rest. Welcome back, \*\* Scylla\*\*. And **Sleeps** , you don’t know **Scylla**. Just roll with it. ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/6 "2009-01-09T02:32:34Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > With rambling shitstorms of pointless words like this, I can see why. > > Did you mean to post this in your journal or some website for people who think they can be authors or something? MPSIMS? No. I just posted it here from my iphone to distract you so I could sneak out of your bedroom without you seeing me. ---
**Author:** ![Nancarrow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c37758/32.png) [@Nancarrow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nancarrow)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/7 "2009-01-09T02:35:22Z")
I’ve just responded to the OP in the obvious fashion. But then I realised nobody would know, unless I EXPLAINED IN THE THREAD ITSELF THAT I’VE JUST ATTEMPTED TO BEFRIEND SCYLLA. So drama queen that I am, here we are. It’s also 2:30am here, I’m just getting around to starting the database design coursework that’s due in about, er… fourteen hours. I’ve come to understand I have no idea what is required in the ‘physical schema’ bit. So I NEED A FRIEND! ---
**Author:** ![Jeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/8 "2009-01-09T02:35:33Z")
The OP’s life is so like my own, it’s uncanny! ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/9 "2009-01-09T02:35:43Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > And **Sleeps** , you don’t know **Scylla**. Just roll with it. Very kind of you to defend him, but I’ve read plenty from him here. I usually come away feeling quite the same way as I do about this one. > [@Scylla](#): > > No. I just posted it here from my iphone to distract you so I could sneak out of your bedroom without you seeing me. You’d fit it in nearly any junior high in America with “jokes” like that. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/10 "2009-01-09T02:41:32Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > Very kind of you to defend him, but I’ve read plenty from him here. I usually come away feeling quite the same way as I do about this one. Don’t you see, though, that he did you a favor? By posting his rambling crap in the Pit, he’s given you the chance to tell him how much it sucks, which probably would have gotten you a mod smackdown if it were in MPSIMS. > [@Nancarrow](#): > > I’m just getting around to starting the database design coursework that’s due in about, er… fourteen hours. I’ve come to understand I have no idea what is required in the ‘physical schema’ bit. So I NEED A FRIEND! You don’t need a friend; you need a montage. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/11 "2009-01-09T02:47:53Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > With rambling shitstorms of pointless words like this, I can see why. > > Did you mean to post this in your journal or some website for people who think they can be authors or something? MPSIMS? Does this mean that if we don’t think it belongs in the pit then the best thing to do is report the post? ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/12 "2009-01-09T02:50:06Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > Very kind of you to defend him, but I’ve read plenty from him here. I usually come away feeling quite the same way as I do about this one. Then you never read [The Horror of Blimps](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=160851). ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/13 "2009-01-09T02:51:11Z")
/me huggles **Scylla**. ---
**Author:** ![Nancarrow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c37758/32.png) [@Nancarrow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nancarrow)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/14 "2009-01-09T02:53:02Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > You don’t need a friend; you need a montage. I’ve tried that sort of thing before. Putting on some energetic music, striking a variety of odd poses and furrowed brows that look as if I’m learning stuff really fast, doing all this in about one minute. And after all that, I STILL haven’t done anything. Don’t believe the movies, it just doesn’t work. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/15 "2009-01-09T02:54:41Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Okay, I got _Old Yeller_ and _Bridge to Terabithia_, but I’m blanking on the rest. I think the only other specific references are _Shane_ and (very loosely) _Strangers on a Train_. The others are just riffs on standard Hollywood cliches. Altogether, very amusing. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/16 "2009-01-09T03:03:36Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I’d never be your friend: prick. > > What happened to **Airman Doors**? He got a light pointed at him. ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/17 "2009-01-09T03:04:24Z")
> [@Scylla](#): > > So, before I answer this friend request you should know you are probably going to die in my arms, drown, end up homeless, get rabies, I’ll try to kill your husband, get shot by rustlers, or else I’ll end up shooting you myself. Nice to see you, **Scylla**! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/18 "2009-01-09T03:06:08Z")
Lately, the SDMB itself is deciding who should be friends here: [The Board is Becoming Sentient II: It's Starting to Hook Me up with Other Posters - Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share - Straight Dope Message Board](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=500810) ---
**Author:** ![Euphonious\_Polemic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/euphonious_polemic/32/3002_2.png) [@Euphonious\_Polemic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euphonious_Polemic)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/19 "2009-01-09T03:06:17Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Then you never read [The Horror of Blimps](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=160851). Not the fucking “horror of blimps” link! I beg you! It’s like saying, “ya, Orson Wells was fat and couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag, but CITIZEN KANE man!” ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2009, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467/20 "2009-01-09T03:09:22Z")
It was Scylla, the big one! He did this to me, and I have my rights!!! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friends/480467.md?page=2)