# Friendship etiquette/manners **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 3, 2020, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065 "2020-05-03T13:56:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/21 "2020-05-04T00:12:45Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > I disagree. In modern American culture, when friends agree to meet somewhere the default expectation is that everyone bears their own expenses. American culture is full of diversity and nuances. Sent from my moto x4 using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![ISiddiqui](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/97f17d/32.png) [@ISiddiqui](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ISiddiqui)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/22 "2020-05-04T00:17:24Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > I disagree. In modern American culture, when friends agree to meet somewhere the default expectation is that everyone bears their own expenses. This is my experience as well. We pay for our own. But if we have a few drinks, I would expect my friend to allow me to crash way his place. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/53a042/32.png) [@cornflakes2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes2)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/23 "2020-05-04T00:39:54Z")
Thanks, great answers everyone. I’m sure there are many reasons which I won’t get into here, but for me, in almost all of my friendships, I am the one who always has to take a whole day off just to get to their location and get back home. The least I’d expect is a free meal. If and when someone ever visits me, I will always pay for them when I take them around my town because I would expect as common courtesy that they would treat me if I came all that way to see them in theirs. The other thing is, I get this sense of “expectation” placed on me as if I’m the one who is supposed to take an entire day out of my life to make the trip and somehow if I don’t, I’m the bad friend. I always asked myself in my head, why don’t they try and experience what I go through by coming all the way to my town? Let’s see how well they would handle that. I don’t accept the excuse that in the city there’s more fun things to do than in a small rural town, there are few reasons to visit. There are just as many fun things if not more, to do in rural areas, too. There’s a lot of beautiful things to enjoy, the natural landscapes, outdoor activities, and we do have shops, cafes, stores, attractions out here too. So, I don’t accept that it’s generally the rural town friend that needs to make the trip to the city friend because it’s more worth it. Also, same thing happens in my family. For 10 years, none of my cousins ever come to my town because it’s 1-2 hours away. But I always go to their city a couple times a year. I can tell it’s burdensome to ask someone to come to my town and visit me. But how is it not anymore burdensome for me to go there all the time? With traffic jams, it takes me 3 hours one way to get the city (normally only takes 1 hour and 15 min). So I’d spend 6 hours in traffic (3 on the way, 3 on the way back) and when I get home late at night, I’d be like, “dang, I literally had to spend the entire day just to visit someone”. The least you could do is buy me a meal. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/24 "2020-05-04T00:46:36Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > BUT, if a friend eats in my home, I will prepare the meal and pay for all the ingredients. (or vice versa.) Yes, the guest might offer to bring something, but it’s not necessarily expected, if it’s a small gathering. If it’s a big party, then there’s an increased expectation that each guest will contribute something, such as beverages or desserts. A couple of friends of mine were telling me recently about a mutual friend of theirs (let’s call him Jack) who is far wealthier than everyone else in the group, but is notoriously cheap. In their social group, they meet frequently, and everyone brings something to contribute to the expenses. If they’re getting takeout or delivery, they all chip in. All except for Jack. Jack never chips in and never brings anything. One time, Jack invited everyone to his house and specified that he would be cooking all the solid food himself at that the guests need only bring drinks. It’s a fairly large group and they are all enthusiastic drinkers and they brought a good amount of alcohol. At the dinner table, as they began to eat, Jack pulled out his phone and declared that everyone at the table should Venmo him $X for their share of the grocery shopping. They reminded him that they had together spent much more on beverages than he had spent on groceries and told him there would be no Venmo-ing. Apparently, Jack felt no shame and didn’t learn his lesson, but they still hang out with him because except for his cheapness, he’s a fun guy to be around. ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/25 "2020-05-04T01:37:37Z")
Are there better amenities in your friend’s town? Is there a favorite bar or restaurant that you like to go to or some other entertainment not available or not as nice in your town? If it is equal, I would expect the friend to be making the drive to your place about half the time, not expect that he pays for the meal. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/26 "2020-05-04T02:23:40Z")
You’re kind of going back and forth - in the OP you talk about deciding to meet up and it somehow always ends up in your friend’s city , but then later on, you talk about visiting your friend. And if they’re an hour away, why do you have to take the whole day off? And this happens with all your friends? Are you seeing them individually or are you talking about a situation where five of you are getting together and the other four all live in the city an hour away? There really aren’t any circumstances I can imagine where I would expect someone else to buy me lunch or dinner just because I traveled further to get to the meeting place (_maybe_ if we always had to get together in their town because they don’t have transportation and I have to pick them up at home and drive to wherever we are going and then drive them home) If you’re talking about getting together with one friend or relative at a time, then I would expect that roughly half the time they would drive to me - but if you’re getting together with a group of friends or relatives who all live in the same city, you’re almost always going to end up traveling to where the group is. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/27 "2020-05-04T04:37:06Z")
OP, you sound kinda cheap. Where I live it’s not at all unusual to drive for an hour to meet up with friends. Most of these meetups involve everybody paying for their own meal or drinks or whatever, no matter who had to drive the farthest. Why do you expect a free meal? I don’t get it. If I’m going to see friends, then my goal is to, you know, see my friends, sit around and talk with them for awhile. The idea is to hang out with them. I’m not in it for a free meal. If someone says up front, “I’ll buy lunch if you’ll come visit me,” then that’s different. ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/53a042/32.png) [@cornflakes2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes2)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/28 "2020-05-04T04:55:59Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > You’re kind of going back and forth - in the OP you talk about deciding to meet up and it somehow always ends up in your friend’s city , but then later on, you talk about visiting your friend. And if they’re an hour away, why do you have to take the whole day off? And this happens with all your friends? Are you seeing them individually or are you talking about a situation where five of you are getting together and the other four all live in the city an hour away? There really aren’t any circumstances I can imagine where I would expect someone else to buy me lunch or dinner just because I traveled further to get to the meeting place (_maybe_ if we always had to get together in their town because they don’t have transportation and I have to pick them up at home and drive to wherever we are going and then drive them home) If you’re talking about getting together with one friend or relative at a time, then I would expect that roughly half the time they would drive to me - but if you’re getting together with a group of friends or relatives who all live in the same city, you’re almost always going to end up traveling to where the group is. No, I’m only talking about meeting with one person. If it was a group meeting, I’m not expecting one person to pay for 10 people’s meals lol. In that case, everyone is sacrificing and giving something themselves and we will almost always pay our own meals. ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/53a042/32.png) [@cornflakes2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes2)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/29 "2020-05-04T04:57:38Z")
> [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](#): > > OP, you sound kinda cheap. Where I live it’s not at all unusual to drive for an hour to meet up with friends. Most of these meetups involve everybody paying for their own meal or drinks or whatever, no matter who had to drive the farthest. > > Why do you expect a free meal? I don’t get it. If I’m going to see friends, then my goal is to, you know, see my friends, sit around and talk with them for awhile. The idea is to hang out with them. I’m not in it for a free meal. If someone says up front, “I’ll buy lunch if you’ll come visit me,” then that’s different. You have completely misunderstood the question. I never mentioned ever this was a group meeting and never did I say one person should pay for 10 people’s meals. Never did I also say that I’m only meeting this person for a free meal. The only person that turned this into a cheap issue is you. You didn’t read what I wrote. ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/53a042/32.png) [@cornflakes2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes2)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/30 "2020-05-04T05:03:24Z")
> [@UltraVires](#): > > Are there better amenities in your friend’s town? Is there a favorite bar or restaurant that you like to go to or some other entertainment not available or not as nice in your town? > > If it is equal, I would expect the friend to be making the drive to your place about half the time, not expect that he pays for the meal. that’s my point. I agree, it should be close to 50/50 but it isn’t. It’s more like 95% to 5% to 100% to 0%. I’m almost always the one that has to go the extra mile to see people and visit them. But when it comes time to do it the other way, it’s too difficult or too inconvenient for them to come out and make the drive to my location. In the past 10 years, I’ve literally had only 1 friend who made a 2 hour drive to come to my location. No family (extended family that is) has ever come out to drive this far to see me, but I have gone about 2 times a year to see them. Also other people who live in another country ask me or expect me to come fly out and visit them all the time! I’m like, why is it only me that has to fly out to you? Why can’t you fly over to my country and visit me? LOL. Only 1 family friend a few years ago actually drove me all the way home at 11pm back to my house from his (a 2 hour drive each way). That was unbelievable even though we insisted we could just take the bus. I already know the answer or what it “should” be, but just wanted to hear what others experiences have been like. I’d like to hear from someone who is in the same situation where 95% of the time you are the one that has to go the distance to make anything happen and nobody wants to do the same and put the effort in the other way. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/31 "2020-05-04T06:09:48Z")
> [@cornflakes2](#): > > You have completely misunderstood the question. > I never mentioned ever this was a group meeting and never did I say one person should pay for 10 people’s meals. Never did I also say that I’m only meeting this person for a free meal. The only person that turned this into a cheap issue is you. You didn’t read what I wrote. Doesn’t have to be a group meeting. You said “I expect them to feed me.” ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/32 "2020-05-04T07:08:02Z")
@OP hanging out with a friend is supposed to be fun, not an “effort”. So, in that vein, if someone can’t ever be bothered to visit you, well, then, you are not going to insist. ---
**Author:** ![Novelty\_Bobble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Novelty\_Bobble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Novelty_Bobble)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 8:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/33 "2020-05-04T08:09:31Z")
I’m baffled by the concept of being unable/unwilling to have a clear conversation about this with that person, yet still being able to call them a “friend”. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/34 "2020-05-04T11:39:21Z")
> [@cornflakes2](#): > > I’d like to hear from someone who is in the same situation where 95% of the time you are the one that has to go the distance to make anything happen and nobody wants to do the same and put the effort in the other way. To be honest, I don’t think you’ll find anyone situation you describe, where you are always driving one way meetup with a single person and there’s just as much of the same things to do near your town as theirs ( it doesn’t count if your town has lots of hiking trails and theirs has lots of clubs-) Because there’s only one way that I’m ever going to be the one doing the driving every.single.time - and that’s if for some reason , I want to see the other person more than they want to see me. Because otherwise, I simply wouldn’t do it if it annoyed me. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/35 "2020-05-04T14:29:17Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > To be honest, I don’t think you’ll find anyone situation you describe Yeah. I’m not claiming I’m typical, but I don’t think I’ve ever done what you describe: traveled (or had anyone else travel) a significant distance just to meet up with one other person merely for the purpose of getting together (and not to do something location-specific). So maybe your original question shouldn’t have been “When people do this, should they expect to have their meal paid for?” but “_Are_ people expected to do this?” ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/36 "2020-05-04T18:00:46Z")
I have been in a situation in which I have a friend who lives about 50-60 minutes’ drive from my place and 80-90 percent of the time I drive up to meet him. If we are eating at his house, I might offer to bring something, but he supplies the food. If we are meeting at a restaurant or going to a movie, the default assumption is that we will bear our own expenses. It doesn’t matter who did the “inviting” or who traveled farther. Yes, occasionally one or the other of us will offer to treat, but it is not expected, it doesn’t happen every time, and it isn’t dependent on who travelled farther. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/37 "2020-05-04T20:43:41Z")
> [@cornflakes2](#): > > I’d like to hear from someone who is in the same situation where 95% of the time you are the one that has to go the distance to make anything happen and nobody wants to do the same and put the effort in the other way. As I posted above, I am in the situation you describe. But I don’t feel it means other people have an obligation to me. I’m driving that distance because I want to see people; if I felt the distance was too far (or their company wasn’t that enjoyable) I would be free to stop making the trip. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/38 "2020-05-04T20:51:10Z")
dupe ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/39 "2020-05-04T20:52:15Z")
> [@cornflakes2](#): > > Ok, we’ve all experienced this before. I don’t know which side of the fence you sit on but here’s the scenario: > > You and your friend live about an hour or more away from each other. You both decide to meet up but it ends being in the city where your friend lives and not your city (it always seems this way). > > So if you are the one that is going to travel 1 hour or more to see your friend, is not expected that the friend then should pay for the lunch/dinner when you eat out? > It’s not something I would expect one would have to mention or bring up because then that just makes you sound really cheap, “hey buddy, you pay for my meal since I drove all this way to see you and spent gas and time” lol. > > It’s just friendship etiquette that I’d expect you to be treated if you are the one that did all the work to see them. > > If my friend came all the way to see me and I just sat here comfortably waiting for him playing pc games or watching youtube while he’s spending hour or two and gas to get here, I’d certainly pay for his meal when we eat out. I would feel really bad if I made him pay for the meal, too, and drive all this way to see me. > What do you guys think? What has been your experience? I think you regard _all_ your relationships as transactional, not just [your relationships with women](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=895507). ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2020, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065/40 "2020-05-04T20:57:56Z")
> [@jnglmassiv](#): > > I’m often the one driving in to meet up but that’s because I chose to live in a less entertaining part of the city. I was just reminded of some old friends. They purchased a home and proceeded to outfit it with a pool and hot tub, 6 vintage pinball machines, a skeeball machine, a pool table, a foosball table and a professional karaoke system including a stage. Then they spent the rest of their lives bitching that they always ended up doing all the entertaining because everyone always wanted to go to their house. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-etiquette-manners/853065.md?page=3)