# friendship-rules of forgivness **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 11, 2000, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232 "2000-07-11T17:41:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![wacky\_ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/58956e/32.png) [@wacky\_ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wacky_ninja)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2000, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/1 "2000-07-11T17:41:55Z")
ok, all i am wondering is how you know when you are supposed to forgive…if someone is off running their mouth about you to whoever will listen and then all of a sudden wants to be your friend again, is it necessary to forgive? stupid question , i know, but i would still like to hear some opinions on what the rules are. ---
**Author:** ![manhattan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manhattan/32/7_2.png) [@manhattan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manhattan)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2000, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/2 "2000-07-11T22:36:47Z")
Questions seeking opinions such as this are best addressed in the forum **In My Humble Opinion**. But that’s OK. I forgive you. ---
**Author:** ![soulsling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@soulsling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/soulsling)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2000, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/3 "2000-07-11T22:55:35Z")
wacky kid, try being more specific. ---
**Author:** ![Nurlman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Nurlman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nurlman)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2000, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/4 "2000-07-11T22:57:49Z")
> [@](#): > > Then came Peter to him, and said, “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?” Jesus saith unto him, “I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” So I guess it depends on how many people this person bad mouthed you to: 1-77 people: yes, you have to forgive. Otherwise, Jesus’ll lay the cosmic smackdown on you. 78 or more people: no, you’re entitled to be a prick about it. Or try Nurlman 7:11-29 > [@](#): > > And the Lord spoke with such a thunder that Wacky Ninja did releaseth onto the ground the contents of his duodenum. From the sky, echoing through the canyons, or perhaps from the canyons in the first place, since it is hard to tell with an echo, came the booming voice of the Lord, saying “I have given you life, my child, but not so much of it that you can waste it hanging around with assholes.” > And Wacky Ninja did then resolve not to speak to his former friend anymore. But then the voice of the Lord continued, “And also not so much of it that you can walk around holding grudges every time someone pisses you off.” At this, Wacky Ninja was confused and meekly said unto the heavens, “But Lord, those two things are contradictory.” > And the Lord did shrug. ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2000, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/5 "2000-07-11T23:37:01Z")
If you have to ask us, you better start forgiving. When people are really nasty, you’d know the answer is no. ---
**Author:** ![Brunetter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/839c29/32.png) [@Brunetter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brunetter)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2000, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/6 "2000-07-11T23:45:31Z")
I am well-known for being way too much of a sucker. People can really hurt you with their words and actions, and there are people who, once they have discovered that you will let them get away with it, will hurt you over and over again. I had one “friend” who ripped my heart out over and over again, until I had to put a stop to it. Other people (including a man I’d been friends with for 15 years) asked me to put my feelings aside and try to remain friends with her, for his sake. I simply couldn’t do it. Please know that if someone is hurting you, you have every right to stand up for yourself and do something about it. If you feel that “forgiving” feeling, then act on it. If not, you have your answer. ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/7 "2000-07-12T00:43:14Z")
I think it depends on what they were running off at the mouth about. If it’s something small & petty I would probably let it go. If they were telling people that I sold my illigitimate children into white slavery & drank human blood under the light of a full moon I might not. Just for clarification, I’m single & have no children anywhere and I only drink blood under the complete darkness of the _new_ moon. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/8 "2000-07-12T01:07:35Z")
How much do you have invested in this relationship? I know people who gone way beyond the call of duty with some people, though sometimes to no avail. It is hard to tell someone to drop a friend like a bad habit, but there comes a time when you must decide whether or not YOUR feelings and well-being are the most important. I had people stick with me through the times I was a raging psucho who didn’t deserve friends, but not many. Most tire of the act rather quickly. Probably the healthy ones. ---
**Author:** ![tshirts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@tshirts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tshirts)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/9 "2000-07-12T05:53:10Z")
Life’s too short to hold grudges. ---
**Author:** ![Eggs\_a\_la\_Ted](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c68b51/32.png) [@Eggs\_a\_la\_Ted](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eggs_a_la_Ted)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/10 "2000-07-12T12:16:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nurlman \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > Then came Peter to him, and said, “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?” Jesus saith unto him, “I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” > > So I guess it depends on how many people this person bad mouthed you to: > > 1-77 people: yes, you have to forgive. Otherwise, Jesus’ll lay the cosmic smackdown on you. > > 78 or more people: no, you’re entitled to be a prick about it. > \*\* So “seventy times seven” equals 77, eh? Let’s hope no one took your advice, it’d be a shame to have to go to hell over bad math. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/11 "2000-07-12T12:36:27Z")
Well, it depends on whether or not he apologizes (and I mean a sincere apology, not lip service). If he doesn’t, then screw him. You friendship is obviously not that important to him. If he does apologize, and you really believe he means it, then forgive him - the first time. After that, it depends on how close a friend he is, as well as his basic character. If he’s a habitual screwup, the kind of guy who acts before he thinks, then you can give him a lot of leeway (of course, this gives you the right to tease him). If he’s in the habit of constantly hurting you on purpose and then asking for forgiveness, then he’s not worth your while. ---
**Author:** ![SwimmingRiddles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/12 "2000-07-12T12:59:40Z")
When a person stops giving you joy, when it stops being fun to be around them, when you can’t trust them, that’s when it stops for me. But this has backfired in the past, I tend to have a hot temper, and it has some back to bite me in the ass. Someone does something wrong (and I do mean seriously wrong), I blow up, they go away, I cool down and realise I miss them. So tread lightly. The real question is whether this person is worthy of your time and energy. ---
**Author:** ![Erika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/47e85d/32.png) [@Erika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Erika)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/13 "2000-07-12T13:14:58Z")
Hmm . . . I think there’s a difference between forgiving someone for what they’ve done and renewing the relationship. You’re always supposed to do the first, the second is optional. Not forgiving someone does very little to them, but holding a grudge is (after the fun of it wears off) rather draining. Hating (or strongly disliking, pick your own degree of intensity) someone is rather self destructive. There’s no point in not forgiving. But forgiveness is letting some one off for the debt (emotional, whatever else) they owe you. You’re not obligated, once someone has betrayed you, to resume sharing your deepest darkest secrets. ---
**Author:** ![wacky\_ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/58956e/32.png) [@wacky\_ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wacky_ninja)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/14 "2000-07-12T13:33:44Z")
there really is no one specific in mind here, i was basing this on a conversatoin i had with a friend about when it is ok to forgive…how much…stuff like that and do forgive me please if this is in the wrong section manhattan, i am still new ---
**Author:** ![soulsling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@soulsling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/soulsling)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2000, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/friendship-rules-of-forgivness/25232/15 "2000-07-12T13:41:07Z")
i believe you must always forgive. not for any moral or religious reasons. but holding a grudge, or any issue that causes stress within you is just plain unhealthy. and we are human, we make mistakes, we hurt one another some times, and we love each other at other times. if something was done maliciously, why bother holding a grudge, no need to not forgive, but no need to be best of friends either. letting go of the attachments you put on your friends in a situation where forgiveness might be an option might make it easier to choose that option. all in all, i would always forgive, even if i have decided a small bit of revenge came along with it. i know that’s wrong, but it puts a smile on my face sometimes. i’m bad like that.