Everyone is going to these extremes of a physical illness or accident, mental illness, etc. And I get that, it fits into the framework of the OP but this idea that friendships need to be mutually beneficial isn’t wrong. As others noted, the definition of friend varies greatly person to person and probably culturally. I could probably segment my “friends” into 4 or 5 categories with subtle variations and vastly different outcomes should those relationships change for the worse. Some I would be devastated to lose. Some I would stick with through Hell and high-water. Others, I recognize there are boundaries and common ground that form our friendships (or acquaintance) and should any number of factors change I might miss aspects of their friendship but I’d move on without a significant amount of grief. If they were causing more drama than the benefit I get from the relationship then Bye Felicia.
That said, the term “friendship should be mutually beneficial” is something I really had to help my wife see when we first started dating. Like many people, she had a lot of friends from her late teens and early 20’s who were still in her life (she was 30 at the time). Most of their “bonding” moments that established their friendships were from partying together whether it was going out to bars each weekend, celebrating birthdays, or going on small trips involving partying (boat trips, Mardi Gras, etc.). As my then girlfriend was experiencing, her life was changing and the constant every weekend going out and getting drunk with that group of people was losing it’s appeal. At that same time, a few of that group of friends who I had not really known prior, were causing a great deal of drama all the time between the group of friends and several times directed at her. So when we started dating, my view of most of it was these are friends of my wife’s but all they do is cause shit and problems and stress her out and make her cry at the things they’re saying behind her back and this is childish high-school immature bullshit so why the hell are these people your friends exactly?!? The friendship was no longer mutual beneficial. She wasn’t as interested in partying and drinking every weekend with them as she used to be and all she was getting out of the friendship was the grief and drama of their social bullshit. Yet she would not just walk away from them and their past friendship. She kept trying, and trying, and trying to maintain the friendships. It took a long time for her to finally see that what they shared at one time will always be a fond memory but that the friendships themselves were one-way only to the detriment of her emotions and feelings.
Saying that friendship should be mutually beneficial sets up a framework of “I am friends with someone because I get something out of it.”
I argue that is a horrible reason to be friends. I am not friends with anyone because I want to get something from them. I am friends with them because I like them. They are decent people. We have common interests. We can easily talk to each other and understand each other. We care about each other’s well being. And, more mundanely, we have easy enough contact with one another to have formed a relationship in the first place.
Saying friendship should be mutually beneficial is changing it into some sort of contract. “If you do A B and C for me, I will do X Y and Z for you.” Friendship isn’t a business interaction.
Friendships drift apart all the time. And, yes, sometimes it’s because one friend was more needy than the other friend. But the issue is NOT “I wasn’t getting anything out of the friendship.” It’s more “They need more than I can give them.” It’s about what they need, not what they can give me.
What you’ve described there is getting something out of the relationship- conversation, especially about common interests, plus someone who cares about you.
As Filbert said, you’ve described nothing but benefits. If you don’t like someone, you don’t think they’re decent, you don’t have common interests, you can’t easily talk to each other or understand either, and you don’t care for them, then you aren’t their friend. Even if in some idyllic long-ago past, you did experience these things with them. If the thought of contacting an old friend fills you with nothing but dread and fatigue, then it would be wise to consider why you still consider them your friend. IMHO, it doesn’t make you a bad person to admit to yourself that the chemistry just isn’t there in the relationship anymore and to step back. You seem to be saying that a person should never do this because that makes them “horrible”.
And I say if the fear of being perceived as “horrible” is the only thing keeping you from walking away from a friendship, then you aren’t in a true friendship. You’re in some other kind of relationship. It isn’t one motivated out of love and care for another person. It’s just going through the motions because you don’t want anyone to think you’re a jerk.
I think most people would be OK having a friend who takes more than they give as long as that friend reciprocates in SOME way…even if it’s just being a listening ear during a minor personal crisis. But if a person feels like they are being used by someone else (intentionally or not), that’s a major red flag that they aren’t getting anything from the relationship. Would you advise someone to endure their feelings of exhaustion and resentment indefinitely in the hopes that things will get better, even if that person has been experiencing those feelings for years? Or would you advise them to consider if the relevant party meets the standard of “true friend”, using the criteria you laid out in your post?
I guess I shoulda checked into this thread sooner. Glad to see as the thread progressed more people have expressed understanding of/agreement w/ the OP’s sentiments.
Heck, marriages break up for all manner of reasons. Family members get estranged for reasons I well understand. Not sure why friends should be different.
I remember reading a novel a while back in which a young man became paralyzed after diving off a pier. His fiancé eventually broke up with him. She still loved him, but her idea of marriage and her future was not a lifelong commitment of caring for a paraplegic. I remember discussing this novel with several people, all of whom were quite critical of the woman. My wife and I understood her and respected her choice.
Can you list an example where you are friends with someone and get nothing out of it? I have no idea how this would work, and it sounds like just being a doormat for people you don’t like for no sane reason.
You say that it’s horrible to be friends with someone on the basis of getting something from them, but then list a bunch of benefits you get from being friends with people. You seem to be contradicting yourself, as it sounds like your friendships actually provide you significant benefits: being around people who you enjoy being around, talking about common interests, having people who care about you to help you out, having people to talk to who understand you. Can you give an example of a friendship with someone you don’t like being around, who’s not a decent person, who lacks common interests, who doesn’t understand you and is hard to talk to, who doesn’t care you, and who takes significant effort to stay in contact with? If you can’t, then you’re “horrible” by what you said at the start of the paragraph.