# Frightening offer in mail
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [March 24, 2011, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822 "2011-03-24T10:13:23Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/1 "2011-03-24T10:13:23Z")
I received a thing in the mail a couple of days ago. It says right on the outside of it that I might be eligible to win a **FREE CREMATION**. I might actually be interested in the offer but the thing is, I’m not dead and I don’t want a cremation until I am, in fact, dead. And I want someone to be damn sure I am dead before they cremate me. Then again, maybe I am dead and just don’t know it. But if I am dead, how did these cremation people know it before I did?
I’m afraid to open the envelope because maybe it is printed on flash paper and I’m actually the winner and I’ll be cremated instantly.
I’m frightened and confused.
What should I do?
---
### Author:  [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 10:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/2 "2011-03-24T10:17:40Z")
What I want to know is, if the winner already has a paid-for plot/mausoleum, can their inheritors opt for a cash price instead?
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### Author:  [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/3 "2011-03-24T10:23:26Z")
Just don’t sign anything offering to donate your liver.
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### Author:  [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/4 "2011-03-24T10:47:37Z")
I would enter to win. Then if you do win you can give the certificate as a gift to your mother-in-law. Then you can deny giving her gifts from thereafter.
On the basis she did not even use the gift you got her last time. (how ungrateful of her)
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### Author:  [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/5 "2011-03-24T10:51:25Z")
> [@Gyrate](#):
>
> Just don’t sign anything offering to donate your liver.
I already am an official organ donor; it says so on my driver’s license.
Maybe our new Florida governor sold my information to these cremation people and the whole thing is a conspiracy just to get my liver. Maybe they just want to make me think I’m dead so they can have it.
Now I’m really frightened; if they come for my liver, what should I do?
---
### Author:  [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/6 "2011-03-24T10:53:50Z")
> [@Nava](#):
>
> What I want to know is, if the winner already has a paid-for plot/mausoleum, can their inheritors opt for a cash price instead?
I hope not; if my inheritors could get money from my death and if they learn about it, I’m not long for this world.
Unless I am, in fact, already dead and in denial about it.
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### Author:  [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/7 "2011-03-24T11:55:27Z")
> [@the lone cashew](#):
>
> I would enter to win. Then if you do win you can give the certificate as a gift to your mother-in-law. Then you can deny giving her gifts from thereafter.
Shouldn’t that be “gifts from hereafter”?
Maybe it’s a really cool (sorry, hot) offer from a place that offers [liquid cremation](http://www.aolnews.com/2011/03/23/ohio-says-funeral-home-cant-liquefy-bodies/). No messy ash sprinkling, just pour.
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### Author:  [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/8 "2011-03-24T12:05:51Z")
I shredded a holy relic paper cloth a couple days ago. I was supposed to donate money and send on the holy relic paper cloth. It’s the only mail I get that you can clean up spills with.
There is a company from a town near mine that constantly mails out stuff for hearing tests and hearing aids. You know it’s them if it looks like a wedding invitation or some other personal mail that doesn’t have a return address. It’s a game for me to always pick out their stuff and identify it before I open it. I haven’t lost in over 4 years.
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### Author:  [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/9 "2011-03-24T12:12:41Z")
> [@LouisB](#):
>
> Now I’m really frightened; if they come for my liver, what should I do?
[Hide your liver donor’s card](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tmLvzubP3I).
**(YouTube video - possibly very mildly NSFW)**
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### Author:  [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/10 "2011-03-24T12:19:19Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#):
>
> Shouldn’t that be “gifts from hereafter”?
>
> Maybe it’s a really cool (sorry, hot) offer from a place that offers [liquid cremation](http://www.aolnews.com/2011/03/23/ohio-says-funeral-home-cant-liquefy-bodies/). No messy ash sprinkling, just pour.
So instead of an urn, do you get a crock pot? :eek:
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### Author:  [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/11 "2011-03-24T12:27:26Z")
Incinerate it.
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### Author:  [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/12 "2011-03-24T14:10:29Z")
> [@Gyrate](#):
>
> [Hide your liver donor’s card](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tmLvzubP3I).
>
> **(YouTube video - possibly very mildly NSFW)**
Is that film clip a documentary?
That is exactly what I fear might happen.
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### Author:  [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/13 "2011-03-24T14:12:38Z")
> [@the lone cashew](#):
>
> I would enter to win. Then if you do win you can give the certificate as a gift to your mother-in-law. Then you can deny giving her gifts from thereafter.
>
> On the basis she did not even use the gift you got her last time. (how ungrateful of her)
I don’t have a mother-in-law.
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### Author:  [@Bewildebeest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bewildebeest)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/14 "2011-03-24T16:16:57Z")
> [@LouisB](#):
>
> Now I’m really frightened; if they come for my liver, what should I do?
Drink yourself stupid every night so your liver isn’t worth anything. 😃
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### Author:  [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/15 "2011-03-24T16:17:55Z")
> [@LouisB](#):
>
> …Then again, maybe I am dead and just don’t know it. But if I am dead, how did these cremation people know it before I did?..
Wow. This isn’t what we usually mean by “zombie threads” hereabouts. You’re confusing me :).
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### Author:  [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/16 "2011-03-24T17:02:05Z")
Those things burn me up.
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### Author:  [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/17 "2011-03-24T18:02:00Z")
Does the prize have an expiration date? That would be _really_ scary.
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### Author:  [@Death\_of\_Rats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Death_of_Rats)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/18 "2011-03-24T19:11:28Z")
I think you should just accept the inevitable and just use it.
Oh, and I can hold on to your liver, if you want. You know, so nothing bad happens to it…
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### Author:  [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/19 "2011-03-24T19:33:07Z")
> [@Death\_of\_Rats](#):
>
> I think you should just accept the inevitable and just use it.
>
> Oh, and I can hold on to your liver, if you want. You know, so nothing bad happens to it…
You work for the cremation place, don’t you? You’re just trying to trick me out of my liver. Or you’re trying to trick my liver out of me. Either way, I just ain’t going for it.
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### Author:  [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2011, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/20 "2011-03-24T20:31:57Z")
> [@LouisB](#):
>
> And I want someone to be damn sure I am dead before they cremate me. Then again, maybe I am dead and just don’t know it.
Seems to me that if you’re not sure you’re dead, cremation is an elegantly certain way to settle the matter.
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