# Frightening offer in mail **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 24, 2011, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822 "2011-03-24T10:13:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2011, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/21 "2011-03-25T11:37:44Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Seems to me that if you’re not sure you’re dead, cremation is an elegantly certain way to settle the matter. But what if I’m not really dead? Would the owner of the crematorium be charged with murder? I’ve got to consider all the angles on this one. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2011, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/22 "2011-03-25T14:10:05Z")
> [@LouisB](#): > > But what if I’m not really dead? Would the owner of the crematorium be charged with murder? I’ve got to consider all the angles on this one. What do you care - you’ll be dead. Again. StG ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2011, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/23 "2011-03-25T18:15:10Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > What do you care - you’ll be dead. Again. > > StG I just burned my thumb while lighting a cigar. I felt the pain so I must not be dead. I’ve been resurrected, I guess. I’ll forgo the cremation for a while yet. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2011, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/24 "2011-03-25T18:21:17Z")
> [@LouisB](#): > > I just burned my thumb while lighting a cigar. I felt the pain so I must not be dead. I’ve been resurrected, I guess. I’ll forgo the cremation for a while yet. Sounds like you’re trying a do-it-yourself cremation! Which is really, really dumb, in light of the fact that you’ve got a coupon for a free _professional_ job. I mean, if you _didn’t_ have that coupon I can see trying a do-it-yourself approach to contain costs, but you’re NOT saving anything and you won’t do the job right. ETA: Or maybe you really are dead and you lived a bad life but not too bad, so your eternal hellfires of damnation are limited to just a burned thumb once a day. Hence the comparatively localized pain vs. all-over agony. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2011, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/25 "2011-03-26T06:30:18Z")
You need to take preemptive action to make sure you aren’t cremated for free. You need to pay somebody to do it, and fast! I will cremate you for a very low fee plus expenses. And if you already have a wood chipper and a fireplace, the expenses will be only a few dollars for the gasoline. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2011, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/26 "2011-03-26T06:57:18Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > You need to take preemptive action to make sure you aren’t cremated for free. You need to pay somebody to do it, and fast! > > I will cremate you for a very low fee plus expenses. And if you already have a wood chipper and a fireplace, the expenses will be only a few dollars for the gasoline. I think I’m more afraid of you than the so-called “free” cremation. Do you live nearby? Should I arm myself? I think I’ll just burn my thumb once a day. Hell, I’d rather burn both my thumbs once a day. No offense intended. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2011, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/27 "2011-03-26T07:02:36Z")
> [@Mama\_Zappa](#): > > Sounds like you’re trying a do-it-yourself cremation! > > Which is really, really dumb, in light of the fact that you’ve got a coupon for a free _professional_ job. > > I mean, if you _didn’t_ have that coupon I can see trying a do-it-yourself approach to contain costs, but you’re NOT saving anything and you won’t do the job right. > > ETA: Or maybe you really are dead and you lived a bad life but not too bad, so your eternal hellfires of damnation are limited to just a burned thumb once a day. Hence the comparatively localized pain vs. all-over agony. I thought I was born to be bad; I’ve tried to live up to that all these years. Another failure, or two, actually. I haven’t been truly bad and I can’t even cremate myself. I’ll try harder in the future. If I have a future, that is. ---
**Author:** ![TravisFromOR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cc9497/32.png) [@TravisFromOR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TravisFromOR)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2011, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/28 "2011-03-26T07:25:11Z")
Just a word of warning, while this isn’t a scam (it could be, of course, but “free” cremation offers do exist), and the cremation really is free, you will be sold a funeral service with all the bells and whistles. I sold burial plots/funeral service “packages” for a short time during college. We were encouraged to upsell. Our commission depended on it. (The higher the cost of the package, the higher percentage we got.) I stopped because I couldn’t take advantage of the grief-stricken, and I wasn’t a good enough salesman to make very much with pre-need sales. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2011, 8:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/29 "2011-03-26T08:22:25Z")
> [@TravisFromOR](#): > > Just a word of warning, while this isn’t a scam (it could be, of course, but “free” cremation offers do exist), and the cremation really is free, you will be sold a funeral service with all the bells and whistles. I sold burial plots/funeral service “packages” for a short time during college. We were encouraged to upsell. Our commission depended on it. (The higher the cost of the package, the higher percentage we got.) I stopped because I couldn’t take advantage of the grief-stricken, and I wasn’t a good enough salesman to make very much with pre-need sales. I would be willing to bet that the “offer” exists solely to obtain my address and phone number----they “need” my phone number in order to notify me if I am a winner. While I am interested in prepaying my cremation expense, I don’t want to listen to some hard sell person trying to upgrade the service. I want to be put in a cardboard box and lit up; I don’t want an urn and I don’t want to burden others with trying to decide what to do with my ashes. As far as I’m concerned, they can burn me and flush the ashes. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2011, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/30 "2011-03-26T09:52:46Z")
Are you still dead? ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2011, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/31 "2011-03-26T11:19:07Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > Are you still dead? I still not sure; today is my 71st birthday and I sort of suspect that if I’m not dead, I ought to be. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2011, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/32 "2011-03-26T11:38:28Z")
However, here it is almost the day after your birthday and if we are still communicating you can’t have croaked. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2011, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822/33 "2011-03-26T12:39:32Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > However, here it is almost the day after your birthday and if we are still communicating you can’t have croaked. Maybe where you live it’s almost the day after my birthday but my birthday is just getting started here. I don’t feel all croaked this morning so I guess the miracle of life is continuing. For the nonce, anyway. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/frightening-offer-in-mail/575822.md?page=1)