# From the files of the Simpson-ian Institution--Bart & the Blackboard. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 6, 2003, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/from-the-files-of-the-simpson-ian-institution-bart-the-blackboard/211700 "2003-11-06T14:59:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/from-the-files-of-the-simpson-ian-institution-bart-the-blackboard/211700/1 "2003-11-06T14:59:00Z")
Bart gets endless hours of punishment, writing the same things 10,000 times on the chalkboard. Gleaned from the WWW, here are some, but not all, of those things. > [@](#): > > I will not waste chalk > > I will not aim for the head > > I will not skateboard in the halls > > I will not barf unless I’m sick > > I will not burp in class > > I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty > > I will not instigate revolution > > I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge > > I will not draw naked ladies in class > > I will not conduct my own fire drills > > I did not see Elvis > > I will return the seeing-eye dog > > Funny noises are not funny > > I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes” > > I will not snap bras > > Garlic gum is not funny > > I will not fake seizures > > They are laughing at me, not with me > > This punishment is not boring and meaningless > > I will not yell “fire” in a crowded classroom > > My name is not Dr. Death > > I will not encourage others to fly > > I will not defame New Orleans > > I will not fake my way through life > > I will not prescribe medication > > Tar is not a plaything > > I will not bury the new kid > > I will not Xerox my butt > > I will not teach others to fly > > It’s potato, not potatoe > > I will not bring sheep to class > > I will not trade pants with others > > A burp is not an answer > > The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy > > I am not a 32 year old woman > > Teacher is not a leper > > I will not do that thing with my tongue > > Coffee is not for kids > > I will not drive the principal’s car > > I will not eat things for money > > I will not pledge allegiance to Bart > > I will not yell “She’s Dead” during roll call > > I will not sell school property > > The principal’s toupee is not a frisbee > > I will not cut corners, " " " " " " " " > > I will not squeak chalk > > I do not have diplomatic immunity > > I will not charge admission to the bathroom > > I will not get very far with this attitude > > Goldfish don’t bounce > > I will not make flatulent noises in class > > Mud is not one of the 4 food groups > > I will not belch the National Anthem > > No one is interested in my underpants > > I will not sell land in Florida > > I will not sell miracle cures > > I will not grease the monkey bars > > Underwear should be worn on the inside > > I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment > > The Christmas pageant does not stink > > I will not do anything bad ever again > > I will not torment the emotionally frail > > I will not show off > > I will not call the principal “spud head” > > I will not carve gods > > I will not sleep through my education > > I will not spank others > > I am not a dentist > > I will not bribe Principal Skinner > > Spitwads are not free speech > > I will finish what I start > > Nobody likes sunburn slappers > > “Bart Bucks” are not legal tender > > High explosives and school don’t mix > > Hamsters cannot fly > > All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy > > I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause > > I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers > > My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man > > I will not go near the kindergarten turtle > > I am not delightfully saucy > > Organ transplants are best left to the professionals > > I will not send lard through the mail > > I will not use abbrev. > > Five days is not too long to wait for a gun > > Adding “just kidding” doesn’t make it okay to insult the Principal > > Indian burns are not our cultural heritage > > There are plenty of businesses like show business > > I will not dissect things unless instructed > > I will not hang donuts on my person > > No one wants to hear my armpits > > I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface > > I will not celebrate meaningless milestones > > I will not strut around like I own the place > > Next time it could be me on the scaffolding > > The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far > > I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist > > I am not a lean mean spitting machine > > The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan > > I will not whittle hall passes out of soap > > Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things > > I do not have power of attorney over first graders > > Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does > > I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr > > I am not certified to remove asbestos > > “Bagman” is not a legitimate career choice > > I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball > > I will remember to take my medication > > The boys room is not a water park > > Beans are neither fruit nor musical > > Nerve gas is not a toy > > “Bewitched” does not promote Satanism > > The First Amendment does not cover burping > > Ralph won’t “morph” if you squeeze him hard enough Do you know others? Can you _create_ new & better things for Bart to put on the Blackboard during the intro? Just remember–youdidn’tdoitnobodysawyoudoittheycan’tproveanything! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![St.Urho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8e7dd6/32.png) [@St.Urho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/St.Urho)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/from-the-files-of-the-simpson-ian-institution-bart-the-blackboard/211700/2 "2003-11-06T18:24:08Z")
My personal favorite, from _The Springfield Files_ The truth is not out there. Also, I did not learn everything I needed to know in kindergarten. I will not cut corners " " " " " " " " A fire drill does not demand a fire ---
**Author:** ![KGS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/90ced4/32.png) [@KGS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KGS)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/from-the-files-of-the-simpson-ian-institution-bart-the-blackboard/211700/3 "2003-11-06T19:13:14Z")
My favorite, on the eve of the 2000 election: **I WILL NOT PLANT SUBLIMINAL MESSAGORES** Then two weeks later, when we still didn’t know who won Florida: I AM NOT THE CURRENT PRESIDENT ---
**Author:** ![Chavardz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@Chavardz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chavardz)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/from-the-files-of-the-simpson-ian-institution-bart-the-blackboard/211700/4 "2003-11-06T20:11:34Z")
I will not show off, written in fancy letters. by the way, the simpson’s online database has all of them ---
**Author:** ![Raymond\_Luxury\_Yacht](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raymond_luxury_yacht/32/4099_2.png) [@Raymond\_Luxury\_Yacht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raymond_Luxury_Yacht)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/from-the-files-of-the-simpson-ian-institution-bart-the-blackboard/211700/5 "2003-11-06T21:01:33Z")
This gag will soon be no more apparently because more ad time has been sold. ---
**Author:** ![N9IWP](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/n9iwp/32/3154_2.png) [@N9IWP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/N9IWP)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/from-the-files-of-the-simpson-ian-institution-bart-the-blackboard/211700/6 "2003-11-06T21:19:46Z")
One that SHOULD have been done is “I will not make fun of Brazil” (after the show got sued about their Rio episode) Brian ---
**Author:** ![ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chockfullofheadygoodness/32/511_2.png) [@ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/from-the-files-of-the-simpson-ian-institution-bart-the-blackboard/211700/7 "2003-11-06T22:28:02Z")
Hahaha, the bogus chalkboard gag lives on!!!🙂 Back in the mid-1990s, a poster to alt.tv.simpsons was maintaining a list of blackboard gags, and he inserted a fake one so he could tell if other fan sites were compiling their own lists independently or just ripping off his. Looks like the OP stumbled across a list with the fake one on it. No, I’m not telling which one it is. The most up-to-date complete list I know of is [here](http://www.snpp.com/guides/chalkboard.openings.html) ---
**Author:** ![Jello](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f05b48/32.png) [@Jello](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jello)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/from-the-files-of-the-simpson-ian-institution-bart-the-blackboard/211700/8 "2003-11-06T23:08:29Z")
My favorite: My arm is oh so tired… ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2003, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/from-the-files-of-the-simpson-ian-institution-bart-the-blackboard/211700/9 "2003-11-07T07:40:10Z")
Nobody cares what the definition of “is” is